by Marni Mann
***
“Saint’s out there tonight,” Gianna said from the kitchen window.
Since she’d arrived in Maine, I’d completely avoided taking her anywhere near the Trap House. I wasn’t ready for a face-to-face conversation with him just yet. I had sent him a text after our phone call, letting him know that I was dealing with a lot more than just his ties to Rae. His reply said he would give me the space I needed and he had.
But I missed him terribly.
It wasn’t just the way he kissed me or how he made my body feel. I missed his presence, the intensity of his stare, the comfort of his darkness, the way he watched over me protectively and made sure nothing became too much. I didn’t think it was fair to keep hanging out with him and letting our feelings grow if I wasn’t going to stay in Maine. That didn’t seem fair to either of us. And the next time I was with him, I wanted to be ready to give him a definite answer, one way or the other.
My uncertainty didn’t stop Gianna from constantly mentioning his name. It seemed that every evening around his swim time, she just so happened to be near the window, and she never failed to make a comment. But her words weren’t necessary; Saint was always on my mind. I didn’t know how he didn’t freeze in that water. A part of me believed he only swam because he was hoping it would get my attention.
It absolutely did.
She glanced between me and the windowpane, her mouth slightly open. “I know it’s late and my eyes are tired…and I’ve had a few glasses of wine so everything looks better to me right now, but holy hell.”
I laughed.
We had just returned from The Brewery. For every glass of wine she had drank, I matched it with a soda. Someone needed to drive. And I wanted a clear head. For a while I had just wanted to bury my thoughts and silence them. But now I wanted to listen to what they were saying and I wanted to be in control instead of letting them control me.
I rested my chin on my palm and crossed my legs. “I know how good he looks. If the spotlight from his boat was on, you’d be able to see a lot more.”
“Oh, it’s on.” She faced the window again. “It’s shining right on him. And the wetsuit is clinging to every single—”
My heart fluttered at the thought. “I know.”
She smiled as she walked to the table. “Oh, my Roo…” She took the seat in front of me. “You know I’ll listen to anything you have to say, even if it’s a continuous repeat of what you said the day before.” Her red lips smirked. Nearly every conversation we had about Saint was identical. I didn’t realize it until she pointed it out. That made me smile. “But it’s time you give me a solid reason why you two aren’t together. So far, I haven’t heard one. And knowing how you feel about him—and after seeing that body in the ocean, close enough to be able to touch it wherever and however you want—I don’t understand what’s stopping you.”
I shook my head. “I’ve given you more than one.” I thought of all the talks we had at night, while we were walking Bella and during the meals we hadn’t eaten with Shane. I’d been giving her solid reasons all along. But the overriding reason was right in front of us both. “He lives in Maine, and I live in Florida. How about that?”
“Wrong. You lived in Florida. Past tense.”
“Lived? My whole life is there.”
Her voice turned soft. “No, it was there. It isn’t there anymore.” I felt tears sting my eyes as I realized how right she was. “I’m there and my parents are there. It’s warm and comfortable all year long and it doesn’t have any of those flying pterodactyls that love sucking the fuck out of me and leaving welts all over my body.” I was laughing and crying at the same time. “Those aren’t reasons enough for you to give up what you have here.”
It wasn’t just my past I would be leaving behind if I moved. It was the memories of my parents, of my childhood. Of the beautiful life they’d made for me beginning under the worst of circumstances. “What about them?”
“Drew…”
I leaned back in the chair, pulled my knees up to my chest, and wrapped my hands around them. “I can go to the park and the beach and remember being there with them. They’re in the air…in the sunshine. They are Florida, and Florida is home. I don’t have anything like that here.” I took a breath and raised my hand in the air, stopping her from interrupting because that’s what she was going to do. My vision drifted toward the window and the knowledge of Saint on the other side. “Maine doesn’t feel like anything but lies to me.”
She slid closer and rested her hands on my knees. “Then give it truth and make it your home. Make this house yours. Take out your camera and your computer—because you know I brought them with me—and start a career here. Your love for photography is still in there…it’s just been clouded over by pain.” She squeezed her fingers around mine. “I know how much they meant to you. But Roo, they’re gone. You can’t let what happened to them stop you from living. You’ve done that. It didn’t work. Maybe this will.” I couldn’t see her through my tears. “You have a father here, and a brother…and him.” She pointed out the window. “Holy fuck…you have him, and he wants you.” Again, I was laughing and crying. Only Gianna could do that to me. “Life is coming back to you…so let it. Don’t give up this home; don’t give up the chance for new memories. Your mom was born here; this is where you learned the truth about her, and about yourself.” She looked around the kitchen, with its renovations and its new finishes. “The flesh may have changed, but the soul is still hers.”
I glanced down at our locked hands. The only time we’d ever been apart was for college, and even then we’d visited often and spent every break together. Moving to Maine was such a permanent disconnection from her. She was the only stable force in my life and I’d just gotten her back. Could I really leave her again? “I don’t want to be away from you.”
Tears filled her eyes now, too. “I don’t want that either. But more than that, I want you to be okay again. So you can’t let that stop you.” I knew she was right. “You have Shane and Saint. They’ll always be with you.”
My back straightened; I felt the furrow between my brows. With the people I loved, there was never an always. My parents were gone; my newly-discovered brother had already disappeared. “You can’t say that—it’s not true.”
“And you don’t know that it isn’t.” With Gianna here, I’d finally been able to sleep more. But there had been a few times in the last several days when I’d woken up to find her gone. She’d said she was taking Bella for walks, but now I had a sneaking suspicion that she was out talking to Saint.
“Is that what he told you?”
She shrugged. “Maybe.” The gaze from her green eyes deepened and her hand tightened around mine. “So tell me, my dearest friend, what are you going to do?”
My heart was racing again, and my breathing felt challenged.
The answer to her question was clear; I just wasn’t ready to share it. Having the words come through my lips would make it more real, more definite than when they were just thoughts in my head. I knew I wanted to be with Saint. I knew I wanted to spend more time with Shane. I knew I wanted to be close to Brady and help him through his addiction. But as long as I didn’t tell anyone, I could still change my mind. I could still go back to Florida and figure out what was there for me, though I knew the answer to that too.
There was nothing but memories.
“I don’t know,” I said eventually.
“I think you do.”
She really did know me too well.
When I was finally able to calm myself down, I went into the laundry room and grabbed Bella’s leash. I handed Gianna a jacket and took one for myself. “You’re right…I do know. But I’m not ready to say it just yet.”
She smiled. “All that matters is that you know.”
And I did. Finally, I did.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
ANDY WALKED AROUND THE KITCHEN, examining the cabinets and drawers, looking over the backsplash for chips in the tile. He
scrutinized the corners of the walls to make sure the paint had been cut perfectly. He opened all the new stainless steel appliances one at a time, studied the flooring and the molding, testing the spaces where the hardwood met the lower cabinets to ensure there were no flaws or warping. The final set of finishes had arrived the day before, so Shane was finally able to finish all the work on the kitchen. This was the first time Andy had seen it completed.
After his thorough inspection, he leaned across the counter opposite us. “Excellent job, Shane,” he said. “I’m highly impressed with what you’ve done here. The investors will be, too.”
“I appreciate that,” Shane said. He winked at Josh who stood in the doorway, thanking him for stepping in to help finish the work. Brady wasn’t here so there was no one else to share the credit.
Gianna nudged me. “Don’t you…” she whispered, “…you know… have something to tell Andy?” She wiggled her eyebrows in his direction.
“So what’s the status on the rest of the repairs?” Andy asked.
“Thanks to Josh’s help, we’re ahead of schedule,” Shane assured him. “A few more weeks tops, before it’s all done.”
“Can you email me a completion date by tomorrow?” Andy asked.
“Shouldn’t be a problem,” Shane said.
Gianna’s stare intensified. She cleared her throat very loudly.
Andy smiled. “Perfect. I’m going to have my stager come over in the afternoon to take some measurements so she can have everything ordered and ready by your date. We’ll get the photos taken once the house is all dressed, and then we can have it listed on the MLS immediately.” He turned toward me. “Drew, the paperwork will be ready for you to sign in the next few days. Once I have your signature, you’re free to head back to Florida. In fact, I’d prefer you to move out before we start staging because the house will show better and stay cleaner if it’s vacant.”
“Drew…” Gianna whispered. It was sort of a growl too.
I said nothing.
Shane caught her tone and looked at us both. “I’ll email you the date in a little bit, Andy,” he said.
“Very good,” Andy said.
Josh left the kitchen with Shane following behind him, but not before Shane cast one more sideways glance at me.
Andy put his things back in his briefcase. “Any questions, Drew?”
Gianna looked at me again.
“No, I think we’re good.” I smiled as best as I could. “Thank you, Andy.”
He said good-bye and left.
I grabbed my jacket and slipped out the back before Gianna could call me out. When I reached the peninsula and took a seat, I realized how much I missed the water. I missed its coolness and the pressure of the wetsuit against my skin, the way I could lose myself in the waves. Those waves had given me so much support when I needed it…and I still did. But I hadn’t found the time to get in since Gianna arrived, which was a good thing, since I didn’t want to face Saint yet and certainly not in what had become our sacred place.
I’d heard Gianna walking behind me as soon as I’d left the house. Now she was at my back. “Roo, what the hell? Why didn’t you say anything about not selling the house?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. I thought she would have given me a few minutes to breathe before bombarding me with questions. I was wrong. I tried to ignore her along with the boat that was parked behind me by keeping my eyes straight ahead. I focused on the trees surrounding the water. The branches were becoming bare, their trunks wedged into the sides of the hills. It was as if those trees knew where they belonged and they weren’t letting go for anything. I felt something similar. I would never see any of this in Florida—no changing leaves, no fall, no mountains. No freshness.
No Saint.
The scenery offered a calming silence. I felt filled by my surroundings, and I didn’t want to give it up. I didn’t think my mom would either, but I just needed a little more time before I could speak my answer.
Since she hadn’t said another word, but she still stood at my side, glaring down with her hands on her hips, I added, “I don’t have to sign the paperwork for a few more days.”
“I thought we had this all settled—that you’re staying and keeping the house.”
I nodded. “We did.”
“So why didn’t you tell him?”
I glanced back toward the water. Her perfume and lotion were mixing with the freshness. It still smelled good; Maine smelled better. “Because I need more time.”
“Roo, Roo…Roo.” She sighed her feelings into the ocean. It echoed over the water. “You needing time makes me need a drink.” She turned and left me and Bella on the rocks.
***
I was awakened by an emptiness, a wave of anxiety filling my chest. My eyes popped open; my hand reached behind me to feel for Gianna. It grabbed nothing but a handful of blanket.
She was gone. Bella, too.
Something had felt off between us since she had left me on the peninsula. We hadn’t spoken much in the hours that had followed. I was beyond grateful to have her here, but we’d been together non-stop since she’d arrived in Maine. Now that I was making decisions that would alter my life forever, maybe we both needed some time to ourselves.
But I still wanted to make sure she was okay so I checked for her in the bathroom and all the rooms upstairs. She wasn’t in any of them. I passed the kitchen sink on my way to the back door and I glanced through the window. The light from Saint’s boat caught my attention. Gianna was kneeling on the peninsula with Bella next to her and Saint was in the water. I was too far away to see their expressions or to hear what they were saying.
I hoped to hell she wasn’t telling him I was planning on staying.
That wasn’t her place.
But I wasn’t going to march down the lawn and interrupt their conversation. That seemed a little crazy. So I patiently waited for her at the table, dwelling on each thought like I always did. I even sat in the darkness, as I didn’t want to draw their attention and cut their conversation short by turning on the kitchen light.
Finally, the back door opened. “Good girl,” Gianna said. The door creaked as it closed. “Let me get you a treat.” She stepped into the kitchen and moved over to the cabinet not far from where I sat.
“Are you and Saint all caught up?” I said loudly.
She jumped and screamed. “You scared the shit out of me!”
“That’s what you get for being sneaky.”
She glared and continued past me, pouring herself a glass of water. “I wasn’t being sneaky. I was doing what you should have been.”
I rubbed my eyes. “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?” I knew it was around midnight because that was the time Saint went swimming. But the few hours of sleep I had gotten felt like a full night’s worth. I was awake and alert, and there was plenty of snark in my tone.
“It means that someone had to say something to him, Drew, and you didn’t seem to want to. So I took it upon myself.” She moved over to where I sat. Apparently she was feeling just as snarky. “You’re acting like a complete idiot and it’s driving me insane.”
“Gianna Rossi—”
“Let me finish.” She took a deep breath and shifted her weight. Gianna was anything but subtle, so I tried to prepare myself for what she was about to hit me with. “I see how you look out the window toward his boat, how you check your phone to see what time it is, wondering if he’s home or working or swimming. I see the expression on your face every time his name comes up. I see you looking around this house, asking yourself if this could be your home because I know that’s what you really want. And I know you want to be with him; you’ve just got your reservations. And that’s okay. But I’m not going to let you fuck this up. He’s too special, Drew. He gets it—all of it. He knows what it’s like to lose a parent.”
An odd sense of relief poured through me. My body stopped shaking and my stomach settled. “You talked to him about all of that just now?”
“Oh, please. You know me better than that.” She smiled, the sound of her voice finally returning to normal, and she twirled a chunk of my hair between her fingers. “I’ve been secretly talking to him since I got here.”
I smacked her leg. “I knew it.”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t drill the man my best friend is in love with?”
“In love with?” It sounded so stark and definite.
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Drew. In love with.”
I felt my cheeks blush. I glanced away from her and over to the sink where I had spent so many nights watching Saint in the water. In love with Saint. It didn’t sound wrong at all.
Then my eyes dropped to the countertop that I had helped Andy choose, and the furnishings Shane had so expertly installed. Shane…
My father.
Andy was right; a buyer would be impressed with the kitchen because it was perfect. The house was, too. And it was mine.
And then my thoughts drifted to Brady…my brother.
I had a brother.
My family wasn’t in Florida anymore. My family was in Maine.
“So what am I supposed to do now?” I asked.
“Oh. My. God.” She dropped my hair, grabbed my fingers and lifted me off the seat. “You’re supposed to get your ass out there and tell him how you feel. And that you’re not leaving Maine. I can carry you if you need me to…I’m stronger than I look.”
I stopped chewing the inside of my cheek. “I need to get dressed.”