* * * * *
Everybody and their momma was at the funeral. All the Smiths came out to pay their last respects to Grandmomma. I saw cousins, aunts, and uncles I hadn’t seen in decades. The ceremony went very well for an African-American funeral, partially due to the fact that it was a closed-casket ceremony. Daddy and the rest of my aunts and uncles agreed it would be too heart-wrenching to have the casket open. I, for one, was happy about that because once one person loses their composure, it’s on at a soulful funeral.
The family was dressed in white to celebrate her full life. A few of my younger cousins pinned red corsages on the children, grandchildren, and great-grands. I was proud to be a Smith that day, for all it was worth. Despite the ugly things that happened in my family’s history, we were still standing. I only wished Stelson could have been there.
Daddy didn’t say a word to me all morning. He would not even look my way.
I sat on the third pew, between Jonathan and Peaches. Quinn accompanied her and ended up helping the ushers pass out programs. I never did figure out how that happened.
Peaches’ mother came to the funeral, too. We had a few words in the church parking lot after the ceremony.
“Shondra, I’ll tell you, I’ve never seen Peaches so happy,” said Mrs. Miller. Her deep brown skin showed tear traces along her cheeks, but she was smiling now. “Since she’s been with Quinn, you’d think she’s found a pot of gold. I told her, it probably won’t be long before they jump the broom.”
“You think so, Momma Miller?”
“A mother knows these things.” She winked at me. “He’s really good for her, and I think Peaches finally knows how to appreciate a good man. I told her from the very beginning Raphael wasn’t no good. But sometimes it takes a few heartbreaks before you know how to spot a good one. Speaking of good ones, where’s Stalton?”
“Peaches told you about Stelson?” I crossed my arms and rested my weight on one leg, wondering what else Peaches had told her.
“Told me he was white, too.” She smiled, no hint of an attitude. “Where is he?”
“Stelson is in Chicago.”
“Well, the both of y’all need to quit playin’ hard to get. Me and Joe got married the minute we knew we couldn’t live another day without each other, and we’ve enjoyed every minute of it. You put God in your marriage and you ain’t got to worry ‘bout too much else. You’re gonna have your ups and downs, but the ups are higher and the downs don’t go so low or last so long when you got Jesus right in the middle of it.”
After the burial, we all went back to Grandmomma Smith’s house to eat. The house smelled of food and incense that was intended to cover up my uncle Fred’s cigarettes. Daddy and the rest of his brothers and sisters ate in the front dining room. Momma and a few others squeezed in, but there wasn’t much room for the rest of us. The children ate out in the backyard, and most of the young men plopped themselves in front of the television in the den.
I ate in the kitchen and listened to the women talk about things I wouldn’t otherwise have found out. My cousin April was pregnant again by that married man. Cousin Beatrice would soon be finishing law school. Uncle Willie’s ex-wife won a trip to Hawaii, and she was taking a twenty-five-year-old man with her.
My cousin Jessica was in the kitchen, as usual, sopping up every bit of gossip she could. I started to tell her how much I did not appreciate her blabbing to the whole family about Stelson, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. She’d been blabbing for as long as I could remember.
Besides, it wasn’t her fault that I hadn’t had the courage to stand up to my father before then.
When the kitchen cleared a bit, Aunt Ruth asked me, “Your daddy approve of this thing between you and the white man?”
“You’ll have to ask my father that question.”
“I ain’t askin’ him; I’m asking you,” Aunt Ruth fussed. “Me and your uncle Fred always taught our kids against marryin’ outside the race.”
Jessica sat down to grill me, too. She was well into her forties but always thought she was my age—whatever I happened to be. Leave it to Jessica to put on a spaghetti-strapped halter top over an industrial-strength full-support bra. Like that was okay.
One glance at her feet told the rest of the story. Looked like she’d been out on the highway bustin’ rocks with her heels. She pushed her braids from her forehead and asked, “What did he say, girl?”
I just smiled and shook my head. “There’s not much to say. I’m a grown woman. I can date whomever I please.”
“But what does he think about it?” Jessica gave me that sister-girl smile, fully expecting me to go off about my daddy so she could in turn bring tidings of our family’s turmoil to the rest of the house.
“Aw, shoot. . .” Aunt Ruth got up from the table and talked like I wasn’t even in the room.
“Jonathan’s kids always did think they was better than the rest of the Smiths.”
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what color a person is,” I said, glad to get that off my chest. “If you like someone, their race is not important.”
“Not in la-la land.” Jessica joined her stepmother at the counter and made herself a second plate of chicken and baked beans.
Finally, my great-aunt Catherine spoke up. She held her beer bottle up in the air as though toasting. “I, for one, am glad to see a white person. I’m tired of looking at y’all bull-lack behinds all the time.” She laughed out loud and winked at me. I felt like toasting with her.
“Really, Aunt Catherine.” Aunt Ruth shook her head. “Do you always have to be so rude? We can’t even have a decent funeral. You and Bessie—always actin’ up and cussin’, too!”
“Well, my cussin’ partner is dead and gone now.” Aunt Catherine wiped the sweat off her nose. “I sholy am gonna miss Bessie.” She took another drink of her beer.
Jonathan and I got back to my house just after seven. In my bedroom, I kicked off my shoes and listened to my messages. I guess I didn’t realize how loud my answering machine was, because Stelson’s message was heard all through the living room. “Hey, LaShondra, it’s Stelson. We got the deal! I thought about you the whole time I was there. Well, it’s a little after five-thirty now. I’m gonna work out for a little while, but I should be finished by seven. Call me at home.” I felt the corners of my lips turn up as I listened to his message.
“So, that’s Stelson, huh?” Jonathan asked, standing in the doorway of my bedroom.
I tried to sound nonchalant, but my face gave it away. “Yes, that’s Stelson.”
“Ol’ Shondra,” Jonathan teased me, “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“What day?”
“The day you stood up to Daddy about racism and prejudice.” He folded his arms and leaned against the frame of my bedroom door. “It’s been a long time since anybody challenged him about it.”
“I didn’t know anybody ever had,” I said.
“I did. It was a while back, right after I got into the service.” Jonathan came and sat next to me on the bed. “We had a long, drawn-out talk about one of my comrades. His name was Blake Uretsky. I called Daddy once to tell him that I had leave for a weekend and that I was going home with Blake to check out San Diego. Daddy pitched a fit— told me that I was selling out. All kinds of stuff.”
“Did he tell you that he wasn’t proud of you?” Those words still pinched me.
“No. He told me I was letting him down. And that hurt. It really did. But I prayed about it, and you know what I asked myself?” He waited for my blank stare. “I asked myself, who am I, if I’m not black?”
“I don’t understand.” I shook my head, shaking up some of the last remaining doubts in my head. “We’re always gonna be black, Jonathan.”
“Who are you, aside from being a black woman? What is your character? In your life, in your identity, what takes precedence over the color of your skin?” he asked me, looking sincerely into my eyes.
“My relationship with God,” I
said quickly.
“Exactly. And if your duty, as a child of God on this planet, is to love everyone, then you must do so regardless of what color you are. Your first allegiance is to God. You can be black and be proud of your heritage all day. But you can’t love God and hold these grudges against white people at the same time. That’s contrary to His Word.”
“It’s not so much a grudge as it is a. . . a resentment. I can’t help feeling that they have an obligation to us, you know? They mistreated us; they snuffed out nearly every ounce of our identities and then promised us things that never came to pass. Deep down inside, it still hurts to be black in America.”
“I feel you, Shondra, but everything that I am is because He lives in me. I am proud of my natural heritage. Our ancestors did a lot with a little, and the strength of their character inspires me, makes me want to celebrate what we as African-Americans have overcome. But I cherish my spiritual heritage even more because that’s where I’m free.”
My heart received that. “And you told Daddy all of this?”
“No, he wasn’t trying to hear all that. But I realized then, Daddy hadn’t been right about everything. I know he loves me and he’s only acting out of fear. But if the hate he has for white people is strong enough to surpass the love he has for his children, something is way out of line. I’ve been praying for Daddy ever since, and I think this relationship between you and Stelson might be the answer to those prayers.”
“Okay, do you think maybe you could let me know the next time before you start praying for a change in our family?” I slapped him on the back of his neck. “You’ve prayed up a big mess for me.”
“But it’s a good mess, right?”
I stopped trying to hide the smile. “Yeah, it’s a good mess, when I think about it.” He left me alone to call Stelson.
“Hey, LaShondra. I’m so glad you called.”
“Congratulations on the deal! I’m so happy for you.”
“Oh, it was great. God was so good to us in Chicago. It was uncanny. Cooper and I sold it, no problem. . . Can I see you tonight?” His voice was filled with anticipation.
“Well, I guess so. But I’m not up to doing too much. I’ve had a pretty draining day,” I told him. Truth was: I would have gone anywhere with Stelson if he’d asked.
“Pizza? A movie maybe?” he suggested.
“Well, actually, my brother is here. We could do pizza and a movie here if that’s okay with you. I’m sure Jonathan won’t mind hanging out with us, and I’d love for you two to meet.”
We watched Cooley High and Stir Crazy, rewinding the funny parts and saying every line we knew out loud. Stelson sat at the foot of the chaise, and I propped myself up on the pillows at the head. Jonathan sat on the sofa, and we all took turns lifting pizza and drinks from the end tables.
Between movies, we got into a conversation about ages, and Jonathan exposed that I had recently turned thirty- one. “You’re not supposed to tell a woman’s age.” I pinched his arm.
“Oh . . .” Jonathan winked at me. “Sorry, sis. Don’t worry, you’re still young.”
“When was your birthday?” Stelson asked.
“Several months ago.”
“Oh.” Stelson smiled. “Happy belated birthday.”
“Thank you.”
Around midnight, Jonathan said he was ready to hit the sack. Stelson and I took him back to my parents’ house. Jonathan hugged Stelson and told him he liked knowing that his sister was in good company. “Take care of her, now,” Jonathan charged Stelson.
“Will do,” Stelson agreed in all sincerity.
Like I’m some kind of child. When Stelson got back into the car, I asked him, “What was all that ‘take care of her’ stuff about?”
“It’s a man-of-God thing,” he assured me.
Stelson and I returned to my house and claimed our places on the big country porch’s swing. After such an emotional day, it was nice to come out and take in fresh air.
In good company.
“Thanks for the pizza and the movies. I didn’t think I’d ever find somebody who loved those old school movies like I do,” I shared with him.
“I didn’t, either.” He looked into my eyes. Then he leaned toward me, cupping my chin in his hand. Gently. His soft lips pressed against mine once . . . twice . . . and again. My eyes were closed, and I didn’t want to open them. I just wanted Stelson to keep on kissing me over and over again.
The heat of that moment hit me like two tons of bricks, and I wanted to go back in my house and get it on. We’d kissed before, but never like this. Every nerve in my body stood at attention. His hand slipped down my face to my neck. I knew where he wanted it to go. For that matter, I knew where I wanted it to go. I wanted more of him. More of his touch and his kisses. Stelson was absolutely, completely intoxicating.
I pulled back from him just a bit. Our eyelashes tickled each other. His breathing was faster than mine. I opened my eyes and backed up a little more. Stelson looked at me, still holding my chin. We looked at each other for a moment more. Then a smile appeared on his face. I didn’t see anything funny, but I reciprocated.
“You’ve got to stop doing that to me, you know.”
“Me! You started it!”
“Let me finish it, then.” He kissed me again, less intensely this time. We laughed through it, stealing our last pecks at each other before leaning back into the swing.
“You’re somethin’ else, Stelson.” I laid my arm across his chest.
“You, too, LaShondra.”
He kissed me again. “Good night.”
“You’re leaving already?”
“I’m leaving while I still can.” He smiled wearily. “I’ll see you later, love.”
Awww. He called me love. “Good night.” I hugged him and sent him on his way.
I raced back into the house to call Peaches, feeling like a teenager in love.
“Peaches!” I yelled to her.
“What?” she answered in a groggy voice. “What time is it?”
“It’s after midnight, but I need to talk to you.”
“Girl, we ain’t on college time! We are grown. We need to start these heart-to-hearts before the news comes on,” she fussed.
“Stelson called me ‘love’ tonight.”
“Girl, you are in there,” she yawned.
“You think so?”
“People don’t just call people ‘love,’ LaShondra. A man can have about fifty girlfriends, but he’s only got one ‘love’ in his heart. I believe it was Houdini that said it best: ‘One love, one love, you’re lucky just to have.. .“
“Peaches! I am serious.”
She laughed. “I hear you, girl. But seriously, ‘love’ is right up there with ‘baby.’ He’s one step away from telling you he loves you, girl. I’m tellin’ you.”
“Oh, Peaches, I love him. I really do.” It popped out of me. “Not because he’s perfect or fine or any of that. Stelson is. . . he’s just got the love of God in him, and it overflows. It spills over into everything he does and everything he touches.”
“Touches? Okay, have we left out a few details here?”
“Naw I ain’t left out no details.”
“Just wanted to make sure.”
“It’s just that he’s so perfect,” I told her.
“And the problem is.. . ?“
“I’m just saying, he’s the type of man every woman says she wants but runs away from when he actually comes into her life. I almost pushed him out, you know? I almost thought he was too good for me.”
“The devil is a lie. There’s nobody who’s too good for you, LaShondra. Period.”
“Hmm. So I guess you’re not still trippin’ about Stelson being white, huh?”
“I’m coming around,” she said. “It’s not what I’d choose for myself, but your life is your life. As long as he treats you right, you go, girl. You’ve got my blessing. It might take me a while, but I will get over it. Besides, you’ve never listened to me before.
Why start now? Just keep praying for me, Shon. You know I can be a little throwed-off sometimes.”
“Right, right,” I agreed with her.
“Whatever! And don’t call me no more after midnight ‘less you got a ring on your finger or you’re about to deliver,” she laughed. “I’m talking about some carats or some contractions five minutes apart, okay? Girl, I am too sleepy!”
“Thanks, Peaches.”
“Anything for you, ‘love’!” she shouted.
“I’m getting off this phone with you.”
“You go, girl. Bye.”
“Bye.”
As I lay in bed that night thinking about life, my mind drifted to Grandmomma Smith. I know that as a child I feared her. But as an adult, and knowing what I knew then about what happened with my father, I respected her more. She had loved my father through all that, as only a mother could. Maybe that’s why Daddy held her so near to his heart. Maybe that’s why she was so tough on all of us. She wanted us to do what Daddy hadn’t done. I flipped my pillow over to escape the cool wetness of my pools of tears.
Chapter 21
I’d curled, modeled, and primped in front of the mirror for two hours. I needed the perfect outfit, the perfect hairstyle, and perfect makeup to create the perfect ambience for my debut on the campus of Jarvis Christian College. But after the two-hour ride and several sweltering treks up and down two flights of stairs to my dorm room, I looked like broke-down Shondra, minus one penciled-in eyebrow.
Daddy sat down on the slab of hardened cotton that I would soon call my bed. He wiped his forehead and announced, “Whew, Shondra, you need to hurry up and put that egg crate on this bed.”
“I will, Daddy. As soon as you all leave,” I hinted. I loved my family, but I was ready for them to leave so that I could be freeeeee! I’d waited eighteen years and trudged through twelve years of school in anticipation of this great day.
“Well, I see we’ve worn out our welcome,” Momma said, looking at Jonathan and Daddy. She sat at the desk where I would spend countless hours in years to come, writing, reading, thinking, growing. “You got all your paperwork?”
Boaz Brown Page 26