by Ariella Papa
I stared at the inside of the left boob. Someday an adult or at least a teen was going to look at what I was about to write. Jamie didn’t just have a big ol’ belly. There was a person growing inside there. Someday that person would have trouble believing its mother was ever this young. The life Jamie had had would kind of not exist. It was already changing. Jeez! It was nuts to imagine what was in store for this whole new life. We were traveling forward and soon the kid would be here. Why the hell had I drunk so much wine? I felt outside myself, aware of too many possibilities. I was afraid.
“And so that’s when I decided never to date anyone with brain damage again,” Crystal said.
If that wasn’t the end of an ex-lover story, I didn’t know what was. I picked up the Sharpie and wrote: “Hey, little baby. I hope everything goes your way. Let me know if you need anything. Aunt Voula.”
Jamie said she wasn’t going to read anything until the baby was old enough. So maybe I would have some time to sneak in with some white-out.
But after I wrote it, I couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather say.
On Monday I called Maureen to ask how the open house went. I had found myself thinking a lot over the weekend about how much I liked the idea of living in a carriage house. I liked that it was set back. I liked the courtyard.
“Well, Voula, as we know, it shows very well. There was a lot of interest.”
“But no takers, right?”
“No, Voula, but—” I heard her sigh. I think I had worn out my welcome. “I wouldn’t wait. I think you need to take the plunge. Are you really serious about buying a place or am I wasting my time?”
I hadn’t expected her to lay it on the line like that. I thought again about all of us careening forward. I could put my head in the sand but it didn’t mean I could stop anything. It was time to act.
“Bid the asking price.”
“Voula…”
“Okay, okay, twist my arm. Go up ten thousand.” Why not be proactive?
“Good job. I’ll call you on Wednesday.”
And because I was proactive (and also really nervous) I called her first thing Wednesday morning.
“Well, Voula, are you sure you know what you want to hear?”
“What do you think I want to hear?” What the hell was this?
“Well, I hope you want to hear that you got the place.”
“I do,” I said, though I have to admit my heart was beginning to race.
“Well, you did.”
“I did.”
“Yep. Now you just need to find a lawyer and…”
She started talking about the next steps, but I tuned her out. I was going to be a homeowner. This was commitment as I had never known it. This was real.
When I got off the phone I vowed to call a real estate lawyer.
First I left Paul a message on his cell. Whenever I didn’t get him right away I worried that he was out for a fire. I tried really hard to ignore the voice in my head that said he had a dangerous job, because that voice would remind that like so many things he could be taken away.
I felt my cell phone vibrating, and I looked down to see Jamie’s name come up. It struck me that I had wanted to let Paul know about the apartment even before I thought to call her.
I picked up. “Hey, J.”
“Actually, Voula, it’s Raj. I wanted to let you know that Jamie is in labor.”
Push, Push, Breathe
19
I waited around all day for Raj’s follow-up phone call, but it didn’t come. I couldn’t concentrate on any work. I didn’t want to call the lawyer in case I had to rush to the emergency room. The baby wasn’t supposed to be here yet. We were supposed to have a whole other month. I asked Paul to come over to my place after work. Instead of chaining myself to my laptop during the workday, I sat on the couch and waited.
Kelly came home and saw me looking anxious. She cocked her head. “Voula, are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m just waiting for Paul. Jamie went into labor.”
“That’s great. Are you going to the hospital?”
“I don’t know. I want to, but I’m waiting for Raj to call again. I don’t know what stage she’s at or if I need to go down there or what. No one’s told me anything.”
“Well, I’m sure she’s going to be fine.” She squinted at me. “But will you?”
“I don’t know. I feel kind of…helpless.”
“Babies are born all the time.”
“But early? A month earlier?”
“This set designer I know went two months early.”
“Did the baby live?”
“Yeah, he had to go to the ICU, but now he’s totally fine. Cries all the time. She’s pregnant again.”
I nodded, considering this. I knew she was right. I just didn’t know what I should do. I wanted Raj to call me with a name and a weight. I wanted pictures of the thing in a crib.
“Does Armando got any wine in this hizzy?” I asked.
“I’ll get you something stronger.” She went into the kitchen. “I’m glad to see you home. We’ve missed double dating. I guess we’re both kind of in the honeymoon phase, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said. She handed me a vodka tonic and I took a big sip. Kelly made a great vodka tonic. It was just the tartness I needed.
“So, you heard Armando’s news?”
“No.”
“He met someone. A woman.”
“What else is new?”
“No, she’s not a girlfriend. She’s a British restaurateur. She wants him to open a Southern Italian restaurant in London.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah.”
“Is he going to do it?”
“I don’t know. He said he hates the hours he’s been working. How can the economy be suffering when people are constantly ordering six-hundred-dollar bottles of wine?”
“A good question,” I said. “Perhaps a good article.”
“Always thinking. So do you think he’ll take it?”
“I don’t know. I mean, after all the work for his green card, I doubt it.”
“Well, you might have to do the roommate search again. This time, I’ll help.”
I appreciated that she was trying to take my mind off it. Unfortunately all the while we were talking, half my head was on when Raj was going to call. The other half was on the carriage house. I decided to come clean with Kelly.
“Kelly, I put a bid on a place and it got accepted.”
“An apartment? You bought an apartment? That’s great,” she said, getting up. She stopped in front of the coffee table. “Wait! That means you’re moving out too? When?”
“I don’t know that I would say ‘too’. I don’t know that Armando will wind up leaving, but usually it takes about two months or so to close. Maybe by May first.”
“Wow! May Day. Unbelievable. Well, I’m happy for you. I’ll miss you, though.” She continued over to give me a hug.
“Thanks. I mean it’s not like I’m moving out tomorrow.”
“I know, but I’ll miss living with you. You know, it’s not easy to find a man in this city, but it’s even tougher to find new girlfriends.”
“I know. I’ll miss you, too, but I’m only like ten blocks away. You can come visit. You can make me vodka tonics. There’s even a courtyard where we can drink them.”
“Stop bragging,” she said. “I might cry.”
The moment was interrupted by the phone. I leaped to answer it. It was only Paul. “Hey.”
“You don’t sound too happy to hear my voice. Still haven’t heard from Jamie, huh?”
“No, you’ve been through this. Is this normal?”
“Some labors take up to twenty-four hours.”
“Is that how it was for Angela?” I asked defensively. No matter how much Paul told me there was no relationship, I couldn’t help being jealous of the babymama.
“No, she had a C-section.”
“Oh,” I said, like it meant something, as if I
had any right to make any kind of judgments. I heard him laughing over the phone. He found my jealousy hysterical.
“You need to take your mind off Jamie and relax.”
“You’re trying to get me into the sack, aren’t you.”
“Absolutely.”
“How soon can you get here?”
It wasn’t until the next morning that Raj finally called.
“Ananda Maura Jacobs-Sarakanti. Five pounds, three ounces. She’s in the NICU.”
“What is that?”
“Intensive Care for babies. I’m not sure they really know what they’re doing.”
“Is the baby okay?”
“Yeah, I think they’re just observing because she was so early. The labor was awful. I think the doctors let it go too long. Assholes. They let her push for hours, because she really wanted to give birth vaginally.” Raj sounded spent, almost whiny.
I wondered how he had held up in the delivery room. I knew he was used to taking control of all situations. I could imagine him getting arrogant with the doctors.
“We were up all night pushing and then they decided to do the C-section. I pretty much told them I wasn’t pleased with the way they were treating my wife.”
“Is Jamie all right?” I knew she really hadn’t wanted a C-section.
“Yeah. She’s tired, though, and she doesn’t want to see anyone. Maura is going to come tonight. But other than that, I don’t think Jamie’s up for guests. We can’t really even hold the baby right now. Maura is going to go ballistic when she finds out she can’t hold her granddaughter.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sure she’s just glad they’re okay. They are okay?”
“Yeah, and I think Jamie will be able to see family tomorrow.”
“When can I come?”
“Tomorrow,” Raj said matter-of-factly, and I had never liked him more.
The next day all the Jacobses, Crystal, Paul and I were crowded into Jamie’s hospital room. I was searching her for signs of change, but she just looked exhausted. She had a roommate, even though she was supposed to have had a private room. The roommate, she whispered to us, had snored all night keeping her up. She also said in hushed tones, shushing Raj when he tried to add something, that Raj had thrown an embarrassing fit, apparently before we got there, but an effective one. Jamie was scheduled to move to her own room in an hour.
“You can go see Ananda through the partition if you want. I heard crying all night. I hope it wasn’t her.”
“She’s beautiful,” Maura said. “Just beautiful.”
“Just like her mother and grandmother,” Mr. Jacobs added.
“And aunt,” Crystal chimed in awkwardly. She was trying to protect Ana’s feelings. It was hard for them not to be the center of attention.
Mike stood in the corner of the room, uncomfortable with all the emotion. Mr. Jacobs had already reprimanded him for not turning off his cell phone.
“How are you feeling?” I asked Jamie.
“I’m okay.” She looked shell-shocked.
“How are the hemorrhoids?” Ana asked.
I wanted to kick her. I felt Paul squeeze my hand. I squeezed back.
“Okay,” Jamie said, looking embarrassed.
“Um, I’d like to see the baby.” These were Mike’s first words of the afternoon.
The Jacobses and Raj filed out of the room to check out the baby. I hesitated for a minute, and seeing that I wanted to stay behind, Paul dropped my hand and went with the others.
“So are you really okay?” I asked when we were finally alone.
“Well, I don’t really think Paul needs to know about my hemorrhoids. I just can’t believe my family.” She looked at the partition. “Thanks for the flowers and the onesie. It’s really cute.”
“You’re welcome.”
“It was nice of Paul to come, even if he does have to know about my ass.”
“I think he’s been curious about it for a long time.”
She smiled a little, then looked away.
“Do hemorrhoids hurt?” I asked after a few seconds of silence.
“Sort of. But I’ve had them for a while. It’s nothing new. What really sucks is all the stuff that keeps coming out of me when I get up to pee.”
I didn’t want to, but I made a face. Jamie appeared to take pleasure in grossing me out.
She continued, “It’s like chunks, bloody chunks.”
“Well, what the hell is it?” I asked, truly concerned.
“I don’t know, stuff from the C-section.” She closed her eyes and pressed back into the stacked pillows. “I really didn’t want a C-section.”
“It sounds like you didn’t have much choice.”
“I don’t know, it all happened so fast. Raj was freaking out because I was so early. I think he really just wanted me to do it that way so the baby would be out.”
Raj freaking out? The guy who talked about spooning bumps and episiotomies?
“I’m sure he just wanted her to be okay,” I said. I worried that she wouldn’t think I was on her side.
“Yeah, I know.”
“At least you didn’t have to get an episiotomy or whatever that thing is. At least your hoo-hah is still in top form.” I was waiting for a little “if only you knew how much I would have preferred vaginal birth but how can you know as you aren’t even sure you want kids?” laugh.
She just nodded. “Instead I had my stomach and intestines moved around, pulled out. Luckily, I didn’t see any of it.”
Unfortunately, I could visualize it. And it made me gag a little. I started to sit down on the chair near all the flowers. That smell made my nausea worse. I decided to sit on the bed.
“I guess I wasn’t crazy about being pinned to an operating table. You shake afterwards for some reason… Everyone says she is beautiful. She is, right?”
“I haven’t seen her yet.” I said. “But I’m sure she is. She does have a beautiful mother.”
“Right. Thanks for coming to see me.”
“Everyone’s here to see you,” I said.
She pursed her lips. “Tell me something normal. Tell me you had great sex last night. Tell me about something dumb Paul did. Tell me something you would tell me if I hadn’t just given birth.”
“Well, about the sex thing—I did.” Then, I worried that the snorer behind the partition could hear me.
“Showoff,” she said.
“And…”
“Oh, God, what have I started?” She snorted.
“I got an accepted bid on a place in Chelsea.”
“You’re going to move?”
“I think so.” I nodded.
“Did you tell Armando?”
“No. Not yet. But he got offered a job in London.”
“Is everyone moving?” Then Jamie started to cry. She cried like a baby who had missed its nap.
I handed her a tissue.
“I can’t let them see me like this,” she sniffled. “What are they going to think?”
“You can do whatever you want,” I said. “You just had a baby. You’re entitled.”
“Jeez, Morgan and Alice are coming tomorrow. I don’t know if I can take it. Alice said she was ready to have ten more after her labor.” She began to cry again.
Really, Jamie had never cried this much. It was sort of scary. I was more comfortable with her being slightly condescending than self-pitying.
“I’m sorry, Voul,” she said, suddenly composing herself. “I have to go pee before they come in. If they see that I’ve been crying they’ll never leave me alone.” She went into the bathroom.
I could tell by the way she walked that she was in pain.
When she came back she had put on some makeup. She had a deft hand and you would never know that there’d been tears.
“Your eyes look great,” I said.
“Yeah, luckily I went to Diane right before this happened.”
I stood up so she could get back into bed. She arranged herself on the plastic pillow and pulled u
p the covers. “You know, you really should see the baby.”
“I will,” I said. I sat down on the bed again. “I’ll see her on the way out. Now I want to see you.”
“Thank you,” she said. She took my hand and blinked.
“Don’t start again,” I said. I tried to be tough like I meant business. If she wanted to cry, I was going to let her cry. But I just didn’t like to watch her shuffle over to the bathroom or imagine the pain she was in.
“I know, I know.” She picked up our clasped hands and bit her own hand to stop herself.
The family came back in.
“Well, she is just about the most beautiful baby I have ever seen,” Ana said.
I couldn’t tell if she was admiring or jealous.
“They certainly make a good baby,” Mr. Jacobs said.
Jamie smiled, and I know that two people could tell she had been crying. Paul knew, because he could read people. He winked at me when I caught his eye. And Maura knew, because she knew Jamie. She patted Jamie’s hair for a minute, like Jamie was the baby. Everyone watched them.
“Well, Voula has some news,” Jamie said to take the focus off her.
Everyone turned to me expectantly.
“Oh, how wonderful,” Maura said, hugging Paul.
I realized that she thought we had gotten engaged. I started to explain, but Jamie did.
“Mom, Mom,” she yelled. “Calm down! She’s buying a place.”
“Oh, I thought…” Maura said.
“Yeah, we know what you thought,” Ana said, annoyed.
Jamie laughed, and I knew she was pleased that the attention had been diverted from her.
So I told the Jacobses how I had a bid on a place. I described the apartment in great detail, saying the words “carriage house” over and over for emphasis. I don’t like too much attention either. But I knew that not everyone was really listening to me. Mike was probably anxious to get back to work and nervous from just being around people. Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs probably wanted more info on their grandchild. Ana was just bitter because she never felt loved enough. Crystal didn’t like sharing the spotlight. Paul would later tell me that he was imagining the sex we had had that morning.