by Kris Holt
My mom pursed her lips. 'Earlier, back when you were climbing on that warehouse roof, you looked at your friends and you called them family. Think of that, and then you tell me you ain't found anything worth having.'
I had a rare moment of joy right then, just thinking of Rat's tiny, earnest face. Cass's skillful athleticism. Gregor's permanent anxiety. Mar's grim determination. Jayci's kooky grin, smoky eyes and hair-trigger temper. I wanted that. I wanted more of all of it. But I wanted acknowledgement too.
'Mom, I don't want to argue. I don't know how long we'll get to talk here. But you can't really go lecturing me on leaving people behind. I deserve to know what happened to you, but now I guess I never will.'
'Sometimes,' my mom said, 'sometimes, things just are the way they are and that's that. But if you want to talk about how it makes you feel, I'm ready to listen. Right here and now. You're my boy, and I'll listen to you forever.'
I knew that she would, without question, and I was left humble by the gesture. It was enough, enough for me. We embraced again, stayed that way for a while, and when I let go, things had changed. Before she came, I'd wanted to scream at her, to shout, but now she was here, I wasn't angry any more.
'Padre Reyes tried to get me to change my name,' I said.
'What?' She sounded annoyed for the first time. 'But I chose that name special.'
'You named me after a place that sank into the Sands.'
My mom gave me a stern look. 'You know that Phoenix isn't just a place, right? It's a mythical bird. When it died, it was consumed by the flames and born again - over and over and over. As many times as it took to fulfill its purpose.'
'All I wanted was to find you, find out what happened to you. I guess if you're here, now, I fulfilled my purpose. There's nothing to go back for.'
My mom set her jaw and flicked her hair back. 'That sounds like defeatist talk to me. You've still got a family to fight for, and every minute you stay here is another minute you're away from them.'
I shrugged my shoulders. 'It don't seem like it matters.'
My mom took my hands in hers. 'I'm not sure I believe what I'm hearing. You had to die to see me, and now all of a sudden you're saying family don't matter?'
Put like that, it did sound pretty dumb.
'They're gonna need your help again, very, very soon,' she said, and all at once I was aching, nearly sick, from the desire to see them, to be back among them again.
I stared into my mother's huge eyes, and it was like staring into deep water. 'I don't know how to get back,' I said.
The pressure from her hands grew tight, then warm, and then hot. 'I gave birth to you once,' she said. 'Such is my love for you - my boy, my Phoenix - that I'll help you be reborn if that's what it takes to get you back to them.'
Fire licked out from her hands and spread over my skin. It should have been terrifying, but with each passing second I was growing stronger. The flames grew. My flesh went black, hardened, peeled away under the golden light of the inferno. Soon there was nothing but the flame and three voices, forever in my head.
'This virtuous son. This southern boy. This burning man.'
---
A bright streak of desert light cut across my chest. I was lying in some sort of tent, underneath a loose woollen blanket. The air was warm and in the distance, I could hear the noises of people talking and see trees moving in the breeze.
I shifted and realized Jayci was cuddled up beneath my arm. From the top-down, her narrow head looked like a jackrabbit's, with her braids tucked in and hanging loose like ears.
With my movement, she woke up too. When she saw my eyes were open, she stared at me for a few seconds like it was the last thing she'd ever expected to see again. Maybe it was.
'Are you in there?' she breathed. 'Can you see me? Understand me?'
I nodded. It was all I had strength for.
Jayci turned to someone outside the tent and said excitedly, 'Go fetch Rat. Tell her to come quick. Tell her her brother's awake!'
Chapter 28 – Talk of the Tent
I could hear movement outside the tent but Jayci stayed within, staring at me through pinprick pupils, like she still couldn't quite believe I'd come back to her.
Girl had swapped her long, dark coat for a short, white cotton dress with a brightly-colored trim sewn into the hem. It looked handmade. Also, it looked good on her, real good. It just looked entirely unlike her.
I tried to say her name, tell her everything was gonna be okay, but my tongue was swollen, sitting in my mouth like I was trying to swallow something dead. I coughed, and she quickly came to me, holding my hand, offering me water from an old-style skin. The liquid trickled down my throat, slow and cool.
'Take your time,' she said.
She didn't let go of my hand until I stared down at hers. Maybe she thought I felt she was taking liberties, but really I was just marvelling at the feel of her palm. Her skin was warm, rough textured, cross hatched. It felt like my mom's hand had felt in my dream.
She adjusted the pile of cloth beneath my head, fussing, all efficient, while I stared past her through the entrance to the tent. Beyond that I could see the heat haze rising off the sand. Outside, the air wasn't just warm, it was hot, scorching hot. Two minutes out there and you'd be glad you had shade to come back to.
'Y'all comfy?' Jayci settled back to what to her passed for a modest sitting position.
'I guess.'
'You've been out a while.'
'I saw my mom,' I said.
Jayci's expression was already soft, but it got more so. 'For real? What'd she say?'
'Nothing much.' She set me on fire and that's what brought me out of my coma. Her hands felt like yours, the pile of cloth beneath my held felt like the one put there by Padre Rayes and now I'm wondering what that all means and everything is so damn confused, I don't know what to think.
Jayci wiped her brow. 'You probably noticed the heat. I'm doing everything I can to keep you cool. G is still doing his research out on the outskirts. He says we're past the point at which we can do anything to stop the peri-whatsit. He says all we can do is take cover out of the sunlight - somewhere underground, the darker and deeper the better.'
My brain was slower even than usual. 'There ain't nowhere close like that except for-'
'The Mount.' Jayci nodded. 'So we've got to get in there somehow, and soon. It's our only option.'
I tried to think of an idea but my brain was fried and that was that. Instead, I asked, 'How long you been sitting there?'
'A while.'
'I was dreaming,' I said.
'You were talking to yourself.'
'Yeah?'
'Mouthing words, occasionally yelling stuff about God. I been feeding you water. Though half the time you spat it back up over me.'
'Oh,' I said, not knowing what else to say. 'Sorry.'
'Don't apologize. This is what you expect when you start up a posse. At some point, some dumbass is gonna get hisself shot and then dribble spit and blood all over you.'
Her face was hard to read. I couldn't tell if she was angry or concerned or both. We sat in silence for a little while, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Jayci and I hadn't ever just sat together before without talking. Something had changed between us, I could feel it. I wondered what I'd said to her when I was in my fever.
'I thought about cutting my braids,' she said finally.
'Why?' I asked.
'Because.' When I didn't say anything, she quickly tried to fill the quiet. 'Because I wanted to do something...offer something. I don't really have nothing else.'
I was amazed. 'But your braids are what make you you. You said before. It's your gimmick, right there.'
'What good is a gimmick if your closest friend is dying and there's nothing you can do to help?'
I was surprised, but I shouldn't have been. It's not as if I was closer to anyone than her.
'You still have Gregor.'
'Yeah, well, he's banned from the encampmen
t. No men allowed, remember, except for the nearly dead ones. They set him up a tent a mile out, on their patrol route. And you're getting sent out there the minute you stand upright.'
'They take this place pretty damn seriously.'
'I got a potted history a few days ago. There's been a colony of female hunters and outcasts sheltering here for nearly forty years. They've done a lot in that time, like setting up a tent for field surgery. You should probably save your thanks for Mama Smokes. Turns out she used to be a military surgeon a few years back.'
I'd already imposed on Mama Smokes to find out about my mother, now I'd owe her another favor and these kind of debts would be the ones that racked up quick. I did a quick mental calculation of the chits I had, and then it came home that the only thing they'd want would be help breaking into the caves. That's why me and Gregor were tolerated. We were extra guns.
Another thought then occurred to me. I said, 'So wait. You said days ago. How long have I been out?'
She looked uncomfortable. 'I don't know for sure. I stopped counting time after a while. Like, two weeks?'
'Two goddamn weeks?'
'You got an infection. That's gonna happen when you do life-saving surgery in a hurry in the middle of a desert. Rat sent Cass and Mar out to get pills for you.'
Ugh. I was going to end up owing my life to everyone. Years of returning favors loomed ahead of me.
'I prayed too,' Jayci said, in a smaller voice. 'To a God I don't believe in. For you.'
I smiled then, because I knew she was every kind of uncomfortable with that, and it was all too funny not to. 'Really? What did you say to Him?'
'I told him that I didn't know him but that he'd know you, and when you got there he'd better damn well send you back here straightaway or I'd be directing everyone that I met from that point on to the other guy down below with the fire.'
I grinned. 'We got you, so we got plenty of fire right here.'
We were silent again right after that, but this time it was nice, something shared. I wondered what she'd have done when the heat got too much. Would she have taken me along when they went to storm the caves, even though I'd have been dead weight? I wanted to ask, because I felt like she would have, like she'd have never left my side.
My posse of two. Well, two and a few.
She stole a glance at me, lifted her arms, stretched and yawned. I said what was on my mind because it didn't seem like there was gonna be a better time to say it.
'He threw away the mold when He made you. Just so you know.'
Jayci turned away quickly towards the entrance, but her smile was just about quicker than her turn. 'Nobody made me. I made myself.'
'Then I appreciate the work you put in,' I replied. I could still feel her smiling as she gazed out at the oasis. I gave her a few more moments and added, 'You know, the only thing worth looking at is in here.'
'Is it now.'
'Hell yeah!'
'The first thing I'm gonna do when I get you upright is take you over to the water and hose you down,' she said, laughing.
'Hey, you don't smell so great yourself. Though if you've been sitting by my side for two weeks, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.'
She kicked me with her trailing leg. 'As it happens, I've actually been out making myself useful. I just pop in from time to time to make sure they don't toss you out with the trash.' I trailed a path down her bare leg with my eyes, only to stop when I reached the foot resting on me.
'Jayci,' I said, 'are you wearing...nail polish?'
'What?' She pulled her foot back out of the light like it was lava. 'I reckon you're still having fever dreams.'
'Two weeks in an all-girl encampment and Little Miss Badass Bounty Hunter is getting in touch with her feminine side.'
Jayci stretched and poked me again with one cherry-colored toe. 'I've always been in touch with my feminine side, I just ain't never been inclined to show it to you before.'
'So now we're taking things to the next level?' I grinned.
'Don't go straining that tiny brain of yours, now. Take it easy. You won't get your strength back for a while. Plus if it was possible, you're even skinnier now than you were before we started this shit.'
'So what now?' I asked.
'Like I said, we have to move and soon. The girls are back and forward to the town, picking up info. Gregor's quite happy out in the wastes. Rat is spending a lot of time out there, kinda to keep him company but also because she likes learning about the science. We're tooling up as quiet as we can. Di Vio's little party in the Sands is this weekend. We think he's going to use that as a distraction - when people are out there having fun, he's going to take the mountains into lockdown.'
'And leave everyone to die,' I said. 'That son of a bitch.'
'Yeah, well, you're gonna get a chance to piss on his parade.' Jayci looked up and over her shoulder and scowled. 'I was kind of thinking Rat would be back here by now.'
I was keen to get what I had to say out of the way now. 'Jayci, thank you. For everything you've done. Basically since we met.' I felt like there was more I wanted to say, more that she wanted to hear, but maybe that could wait till later.
For her part, my one-of-a-kind girl stared back at me, hiding something behind her eyes. 'It's okay. I'm pleased you're feeling better.' She leaned over me again, adjusting what passed for my pillow one more time, but this time her dress hung a little low, and I couldn't help but look down. She followed my eyes, grinning all the way, and when I saw her looking at me, I instinctively looked away.
'See anything you like?' She was still leaning over me, loving my discomfort.
'Oh, I didn't see nothing.'
She gazed down into my eyes, tempting me something fierce now. 'Sure about that?'
'Damn sure.'
'For a holy man, you lie like a sinner.'
No one feature made Jayci's face special, but all together they were way more than the sum of their parts. She was tanned like she hadn't been before, and then there was the dress that showed a different side to her. Right there and then, she was stunning to me. I might have been every kind of weak at that moment but something stirred within me nonetheless. Reaching up, I lifted a heavy braid away from her face. 'You'd know sin, Jayci Clemence.'
She stroked my cheek with the tips of her fingers and lowered her lips so they brushed against mine. 'When you get your strength back, maybe you'll know it too.'
Chapter 29 – The August Cannon
Things were just starting to get interesting when there was a rumbling beneath us, and a hum we'd heard before. Jayci's eyes widened, and she flipped herself up onto the balls of her feet in a single movement. Her trailing braids fell loose. The heat gathered as she gazed through the flaps of the tent and I could see movement outside as the camp's residents assumed defensive positions.
'Di Vio?' I said.
'He knows we're coming for him,' Jayci murmured. 'Makes sense for him to get his reply in first.'
I sat upright, my stomach stinging. 'How does he know where we are?'
'There've been skirmishes out in the desert while you were out. They've been trying to find us since we fled the town.' She opened the tent just enough for me to see the dust cloud boiling on the horizon. 'And now they have, and they're sending in the cavalry.'
Girl pulled up her hat in one hand and her gunbelt in the other. She placed the former on her head with no small degree of ceremony and wrapped the belt round her hips, clipping it tight over a stomach so flat you could have played cards on it. The black accessories looked stark against the white cotton of her dress, like they were from an alien world.
'Take these,' she said, dropping a radio and a small set of military binoculars next to me. 'This way you'll be able to see and hear what's going on.'
'What about you?' I asked.
'I'll be fine. I'm going out on my own anyways.'
I'd rolled onto my side and was already regretting it when Jayci pointed a spindly finger at me. 'Don't even think about it. Yo
u stay,' she commanded, and slipped out.
I lay back down into a prone position and stayed there for a minute or two, panting with heat and exertion. Maybe Jayci was right and I was still feeling the fever. My head felt like it was floating, pain raged inside of me and it was like the flames from my mom's fire were still burning. The rumble from Di Vio's distant army grew all the time, stirring the very sand I was lying on, and all I could do was turn side-to-side beneath my blanket, useless when it mattered.