Chapter 23
A Word to the Wise about Body Wraps
Body wraps (where you get wrapped in bandages that are soaked in mineral clay) can help you lose inches. Here′s the bad news-it′s all water loss. Some salons claim that their wraps can zap away cellulite, but there′s no medical data to support that.
If you′re in the mood for some temporary tightening, however, you might want to try a body wrap.
– From The Little Book of Beauty Secrets by Mimi Morgan
Two hours later I was laid out on a table at a salon called Skinny Wraps. My body was wrapped from neck to toe in white bandage strips soaked in mineral clay. I looked like an escapee from Revenge of the Chubby Mummy.
″So, where′s your escape camel, Kate? Cooling its toes outside the pyramid?″ Frank called out. He was crouched in the corner of the room with his camera, getting a low-angle shot of me getting plaster-cast in a body wrap.
″You′re a funny guy, Frankenstein. Kiss my Irish ass.″
″You want to see funny, wait till you get a load of this shot on camera.″ Frank moved in for a tight-in of my mummified thighs-my punishment for calling him by his most-hated nickname, Frankenstein.
A ″reduction technician″ named Yolanda took my measurements with a tape measure. For this part of the show, I′d donned my bikini. Even though my measurements were embarrassing, at least the surfaces were smooth and tight, thanks to Evelyn′s stripper stocking. God bless her.
″We have an excellent result,″ Yolanda announced in a German-sounding accent that turned Ws into Vs. ″You′ve lost eleven inches total from your body measurements.″
Since I′d started with about two hundred inches total (counting practically every curved surface on my body), that was a five percent shrinkage. And even though I suspected that Yolanda might have taken some slight liberties with the tape measure to shave off some inches, secretly I was impressed.
Overall, the taping at Skinny Wraps had gone much better than I′d expected. That was a good thing, because my day was about to change direction in a major way. Everything about my life was about to go downhill.
Rapidly.
Chapter 24
The Best Foundation Starts with a Brush
Here′s a tip I learned from a makeup artist: The best way to put on makeup foundation is with a brush, not a sponge or-worst of all-your fingers. And you should make sure to use a well-tapered, synthetic brush. Natural brushes absorb too much foundation and skin oil and can lead to an uneven result.
– From The Little Book of Beauty Secrets by Mimi Morgan
″Come with me to zee casbah tonight, Kate. I have a sultan′s son I want you to meet. He has a magic flying carpet.″
″Evelyn, the last thing I want to do right now is meet someone new. I haven′t even officially broken up with Jonathan yet. I haven′t talked to him since I caught him in bed with Gi. Besides, I just made a fresh batch of sour cream onion dip.″
I was sprawled out on the couch in my living room, covered in sour cream potato chip crumbs, holding my cell phone to my ear. Elfie was perched in her favorite spot-atop my chest, purring, with her paws tucked underneath her.
Evelyn and I had just finished doing a sobby postmortem of all the recent developments of the week, including Jana′s murder. Now she had pulled out a bad Greta Garbo accent in an effort to lure me out of the comfy cocoon of my apartment on a Saturday night.
Over the phone, I heard Evelyn sigh. ″Okay, so maybe the sultan′s son I have in mind has a vintage Camaro, not a carpet,″ she said. ″But that doesn′t mean you should sit around the house on a Saturday night moping. Or eating.″
That little dig made me regret having confessed my plunge into the chip dip.
As I covered the phone to muffle the sound of my crunching down on another chip, Evelyn continued, ″Seriously, Kate-the ZuZubees are playing at the Metrodale tonight. I know the lead guitarist in the band really well. He′s dying to meet you.″
″I′ll bet.″
″Well, maybe I haven′t exactly mentioned you to him yet. But still, he′ll be thrilled to meet you once we′re there. So please come to the club tonight with Kyle and me.″
″Kyle? Who′s he? What happened to Liam?″
″Oh, Liam had major baggage,″ she said, dismissing the discarded Liam with a sniff. ″He couldn′t stop complaining about his ex-wife. He called her his ex-hole; can you believe that? How boorish. So I ended the evening early. I didn′t even let him see my new boobs.″
″Serves him right.″
Although I appreciated my friend′s offer of companionship, I dreaded the idea of becoming a third wheel in a new love formation between Evelyn and some guy. And no way did I want to be introduced to a lead guitarist who undoubtedly preferred his groupies googly-eyed and tramp stamped.
″Thanks, Evelyn,″ I said. ″But I think I just want to isolate tonight.″
″Watch out for that urge to be alone,″ she warned. ″You could slide into a depression.″
″I′m fine. Don′t worry.″
″No, you′re not. Anyone can have a few down days, Kate, but you′ve been stuck in this rut for a while. I′m no doctor, but I think you′re clinically depressed. I think you should go see someone.″
″I′m not-″
″No, really. I′ve known you a long time, and I′m worried about you. You′re eating your red-light foods again, you′re not going to the gym with me, and you never want to go out anymore. Those are the signs.″
When I started to protest that I didn′t have any signs, she cut me off. ″Yes, you do. You′re almost turning into a hermit,″ she said. ″You used to love going out clubbing with me.″
″We′ll go clubbing in the spring, okay? I really just feel like hibernating tonight.″
″Hibernating?″ Evelyn′s tone was skeptical. ″That′s only for bears. When you′re with a guy, it′s called ′cocooning.′ But when you′re by yourself, you have a tendency to put on back fat.″
″I′ll go to yoga with you next week, okay?″
After we said good-bye and clicked off, I detached Elfie from my chest and gently set her down on the floor. Then I heaved myself to my feet and made my way to the kitchen. A wave of fatigue washed over me, and I felt as if I could barely stay upright. Maybe it was sugar withdrawal. Or maybe Evelyn was right-maybe I was depressed. All I′d had to eat today were refined carbohydrates-the really evil ones that had nothing in them except major injections of high-fructose corn syrup; someone had once told me that that was what they gave to people in cults to get them to break down mentally. It was time to check out the kitchen for something green and healthy.
I was reaching into my refrigerator when Elfie froze. She scrambled for the bedroom. Before I could figure out what had startled her, I heard a light tapping at the door.
I opened the door and felt a cool rush of air. An angular, familiar silhouette was framed in the camphor-colored light of the shallow front landing.
It was Jonathan.
Chapter 25
Do a Once-a-Month Hair Rescue
To restore shine and smoothness to dull, lifeless hair, you need to give it an overnight deep-conditioning treatment every month. Ask your hairdresser or beauty-supply store for a high-quality deep conditioner. Work in the conditioner during a shower, and then press away the excess water. Don′t towel dry it, though. Then leave the conditioner in all night.
When you wash out the conditioner the next morning, your hair will be soft, sleek, and shiny…
– From The Little Book of Beauty Secrets by Mimi Morgan
Jonathan stood in the doorway cradling an enormous bouquet of burgundy roses in his arms.
″Hi, Kate,″ he said. ″Sorry to come by unannounced. I tried to call. Is it okay if I come in?″
Jonathan′s voice sounded weighted down. It was hard to register exactly how he sounded, because the sight of him had kicked up a sudden sandstorm of emotions inside me. A million tiny shards of feeling blew out of the desert, wiping out clear
thought.
″Of course you can come in.″ I swiped the back of my hand across my cheek to brush away any lingering specks of potato chips.
He still had those amazing back-lit blue eyes that I′d fallen for. The rest of his face looked worn and scruffy, as if he hadn′t slept or shaved. Normally Jonathan was perfectly groomed and dressed.
I backed into the living room and dropped onto the vintage bergère chair that I′d bought at a yard sale a few months earlier. Gripping its upholstered arms, I sat there like a woman who was waiting for someone to throw the switch.
Jonathan laid the roses on the coffee table, then took a seat on the couch. The sweet fragrance of the flowers wafted through the room. As we faced each other across the coffee table in silence, I decided not to go for a vase.
Jonathan′s unexpected arrival made me wish I could be teleported by some alien technology into a faraway galaxy-preferably a galaxy named Before. I yearned for that universe because it was the one that had existed before I learned that Jonathan had slept with Gi.
Elfie floated in from the bedroom with her tail rising above her like a plume. Approaching Jonathan cautiously, she took a probing sniff. Then her whiskers twitched, and she made a little purring sound of happiness.
″Hey there, beautiful kitty.″ Jonathan stroked the cat, who proceeded to jump into his lap. After making a couple of turns, she settled into a contented ball.
Elfie′s arrival seemed to put a tiny chip in the ice between us. Jonathan looked at me and said, ″Did you get my phone messages? I left several of them.″
″Four,″ I said. ″No, I didn′t get them. I mean, I did, but I didn′t listen to them. I deleted them.″
″Oh.″
The Adam′s apple bobbed up and down slowly in Jonathan′s neck. ″I wanted to tell you how sorry I was,″ he said. ″That episode with Gi-that never should have happened.″
″That episode? You′re right, Jonathan. It never should have happened. But it did. Why did it?″
″It′s a long, awful story. The bottom line is-I never wanted to hurt you, Kate.″
″You′ve more than hurt me, Jonathan,″ I said. ″You′ve destroyed everything we had together as a couple. I really thought we were special. To me, you were special.″
″Please don′t talk like that.″
″But it′s true.″
Closing my eyes, I heard the heat rise on each syllable as I continued, ″You′ve killed us, Jonathan. You′re a homicide cop, right? You know what murder is, right? That′s what you′ve done to us. Murder one.″
″Kate.″
I heard a commotion. When I opened my eyes, Elfie was scrambling to escape from the room again and Jonathan was bending over me; cupping my face with his hands; whispering urgently in my ear.
″Please. Please, love,″ he said, bending down with one knee on the floor. ″I wish more than the world that I could erase what happened. I know it′s impossible to ask you to forgive me. But please don′t ever think I don′t love you. Because I do. More than you can even know right now.″
He lowered his head onto my lap and rested it there.
With his voice muffled against my stomach, he continued, ″All I want to do is make it up to you. I want to make things right. Please, Kate. Let me make things right.″
Gently, I rested my hand on top of his hair. The hair felt soft, but my wrist was locked tight. I felt an eerie sense of detachment from what was happening.
Something about Jonathan′s head in my lap and his being down on one knee made it feel like we were acting out a tawdry scene from the life of Queen Elizabeth. Jonathan was playing the straying Sir Walter Raleigh, a supplicant waiting for the royal nod of forgiveness for the sin of bedding down a comely maiden he′d tripped across in a scullery. That made me the Virgin Queen, I guessed. My fingers went icy.
I couldn′t manage to connect any emotion to what was happening between us. I especially couldn′t connect to what was happening with Jonathan.
The man kneeling in front of me didn′t seem at all like the man I knew. This man wasn′t the emotionally reserved homicide cop I′d fallen in love with. This man was acting like someone who was veering on the edge of an emotional meltdown. What the hell had happened to him since he′d left the United States on his vacation? Had Gi cast some kind of bizarre sex spell over him? Clearly I was going to have to get to know my boyfriend all over again if we were going to put things back together. If I was willing to put things back together, that is.
Once before a boyfriend had cheated on me. At the time it hadn′t seemed like a difficult situation. Enraging and humiliating, yes, but not difficult. When that guy had confessed his betrayal to me over lunch, I′d blessed him and his new tramp with an Irish curse and never spoken to him again. I never even looked back. But I hadn′t been in love with him.
Jonathan was a completely different story. What was I going to do?
Jonathan says he loves me. Jonathan says he′s sorry. Jonathan is down on his knees. Jonathan is begging me to forgive him.
The phrases ran together in my head in an endless loop. It was a manic parrot song of love and remorse, sung in a British accent.
Forgive him. Was it ever going to be possible for me to do that?
It was much too soon to tell.
Chapter 26
V-necks for Large Busts
If you have a large chest, usually the most flattering neckline is a V-neck. Don′t be afraid to show a little cleavage. Hold the line at one and a half inches, though-an excessive cleavage line is matronly. And besides, you don′t want the girls to look like they′re going to fall onto the table.That′s just cheap.
– From The Little Book of Beauty Secrets by Mimi Morgan
An hour later Jonathan and I were lying on top of the duvet that covered my bed. Fully clothed and not touching, we were stretched out like two dolls that had been placed next to each other.
In halting sentences Jonathan began to reveal the story of how he′d met Gi. They′d met eight years earlier during a trip he′d made to China. She was working as a bar girl in Beijing. She′d escaped from North Korea, but she was being abused by the smugglers who′d brought her in. They were forcing her to work as a prostitute, Jonathan told me.
″For all practical purposes, Gi was working as a sex slave when I met her,″ Jonathan explained.
Staring up at the popcorn ceiling of my bedroom, he continued. ″What she was doing back then wasn′t by her choice. She was being threatened by the smugglers who got her over the border. I felt I had to get her out of there. I made arrangements to bring her home to England with me.″
″What arrangements?″
″We got married. I paid to have her paperwork doctored. It′s the only time in my life I′ve ever committed a crime.″
He closed his eyes. ″I was studying criminology back in the UK at the time,″ he said. ″I could have gone to jail for what I did. I′m not proud of that.″
″You must have loved her very much.″
″Yes, but what I felt for Gi back then was more than love. And less in a strange way. I can only describe it as a burning thing… as an obsession. For a while I think I really lost my mind over her. I was capable of doing anything for her back then.″
Each word that Jonathan was saying was dripping onto my brain like burning oil, causing incredible agony. But I was determined to keep listening. I had a ludicrous, sudden urge to grab a tape recorder to record our conversation because my brain was in too much shock to fully absorb everything he was saying. It was unbearable to hear more.
Gi had turned out to be dangerously unstable, Jonathan told me. ″She was-is-extremely insecure about money,″ he said. ″She kept incessantly looking for ways for us to become rich overnight. She thought we had to have pots of money, or else she′d wind up back on the streets, back in North Korea. That made no sense. I′m a cop.
″Gi couldn′t stand the thought that I′d never earn big money. In the end she found some bloke she thought could g
ive her all the material things she wanted. I came home early one afternoon and found them in bed together.″
″What did you do?″
″I walked out and never saw her again.″
″Until this week.″
″Until eight months ago.″
″You saw her eight months ago?″
″Briefly, when I went home for the Christmas holidays. Remember? You couldn′t come because you had to work.″
″Don′t you dare try to blame this situation on my work, Jonathan. You slept with Gi eight months ago? And you haven′t told me anything in all this time?″
″I didn′t know what to say at the time, Kate.″
Right. What could he have said? Our relationship would have been over eight months ago. Curling my hands into fists, I pressed them into my stomach. At some stronger time in the future I′d have to rewrite our emotional history as a couple. So many huge things had gone unsaid between us. How could I not have felt that something was desperately wrong on some level? For the past eight months, the only negative emotion I′d felt was insecurity about my body. Probably that insecurity had masked deeper worries running beneath the surface. A psychologist would have a field day with me.
After a painful silence, Jonathan resumed speaking. ″Gi has stayed close to my mum all these years,″ he said. ″Gi took care of Mum, and I guess she used her as a sort of refuge whenever she got in trouble. Last Christmas I told Gi to stay away while I was there, but one night she came over with some woolly socks and teas for Mum. I got drunk and-″
″And the rest I can figure out. And fuck you, by the way. Unless you care to describe how much you enjoyed your little Gi fling. Was she nice and tight, Jonathan? Is that what you′ve been missing all this time?″
″Please don′t, Kate. I hate to hear you talk like that. That′s not like you at all.″
″Spare me the language lecture, Jonathan. And don′t tell me what I′m like. Whatever I′m like, it obviously isn′t sufficient for you. You were in bed with Gi this week, right? When I called and she grabbed the phone?″
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