by Jemma Forte
‘Do you think about me?’
‘Oh yes, I do,’ I say with a start. I’m happy and yet for some reason this whole chat is feeling surreal, though I don’t know why. After all, this is exactly what I’ve longed for. ‘Look,’ I say eventually, ‘I’ll have to talk to my mum but I’ll email you straight away and let you know what she says.’
‘You’re the best,’ he says.
Five minutes later, I put down the phone feeling a mixture of things. I’m flattered and pleased by how much he’s obviously missing me, but a bit fluttery with nerves too about the whole ‘him coming to stay with us’ situation. Still, I shove these doubts away. After all, this is Andy, who I spent every minute of every day with for months, during which time we didn’t row even once. So what could go wrong? It’ll be so great to see him and what else had I expected? He’s a traveller who’d never be able to afford London hotel prices. I was being inhospitable. Besides, who knows? If things go well between us, maybe I’ll even end up going back to Australia with him eventually. Briefly I wonder what Ray would make of him, but it’s a thought too far, so I focus my attention back to what today holds.
For today is the day Hayley gets to see her baby for the first time and I, Aunty Marianne, am going to be there too, due to an amazing lack of interest from the father.
In fact, Gary’s absence from today’s scan is bothering me so much, that this is one of the first things I say to Hayley after I’ve picked her up in Tina.
‘So how come Gary doesn’t want to be at the scan again?’
‘He does want to be there,’ says Hayley, sounding very defensive. ‘But he’s got a meeting he can’t get out of. He was gutted when he realised there was a clash.’
‘But he’s his own boss,’ I state.
Hayley glares at me.
‘What?’ I ask innocently.
‘Nothing,’ she scowls.
‘No, go on, what?’ I persist. ‘I can tell there’s something you’re annoyed about so you might as well just tell me.’
‘Seriously, it’s nothing,’ Hayley replies before finally letting out a huge defeated sigh. ‘It’s just … I don’t know. Gary’s very … traditional and I think he thinks it’s a bit weird for men to be at these things. Like he wants to be there for the birth, but he said he’s probably going to wait outside if it gets really hardcore.’
‘You what?’ I laugh, flabbergasted by this new insight into how shallow my brother-in-law is. ‘You are joking aren’t you? Aren’t they supposed to be there for you because it might get hardcore and you might want them to be around to comfort you?’
Hayley shrugs, refusing to look at me. ‘I don’t know. It is a bit weird … but maybe he’s right. Loads of people say it ruins their sex life once their man has seen them in that state.’
I despair. ‘Well he should stay up your end then.’
‘That’s what I said,’ agrees Hayley, but then she checks herself. ‘Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I don’t know why I’m even thinking about all that now. Need to make sure the baby’s all right first.’
‘Course it will be,’ I reply. Then, to change the subject I add, ‘Hey you’ll never guess who’s coming to London in a couple of days?’
Hayley stares blankly out of the window, not looking remotely interested.
‘Andy from Thailand.’
‘Oh. That’ll be weird, won’t it?’
‘No,’ I say, feeling annoyed. By this point we’re approaching the hospital so I drop Hayley off and go to park, which takes about forty minutes – Hayley’s insistence on leaving so early was wise. By the time I find Hayley again, sitting in the waiting room of the antenatal department, flicking distractedly through a seven-year-old copy of Take a Break magazine, it’s already time for her appointment, but they’re running late.
I can tell Hayley’s nervous, which is probably entirely natural. I am too in an excited sort of way and am dying for them to call her name so we can get on with it. I feel quite envious of the couples we see coming out, clutching scraps of curly paper that have pictures of their babies on. Couples who have already had that first glimpse of their little ones.
‘Hayley Evans,’ calls someone finally.
Hayley and I leap to our feet. ‘Thank god for that,’ giggles Hayley. ‘I’m bloody desperate for the loo.’ As she’s been instructed to, she’s been dutifully glugging back water to make her bladder full, which will apparently help see the baby more easily. I imagine it floating around, doing backstroke on a sea of Evian.
Inside the small scanning room the nurse is blasé and calm, having done this a thousand times or more. We, on the other hand, are positively jittery and at one point Hayley even turns to me and whispers, ‘Glad you’re here.’ I squeeze her hand, too sentimental to reply. My sister can be such an old bag but I love her dearly really.
‘This is your first baby, Mrs Evans?’ asks the nurse, as she checks Hayley’s notes.
‘Yeah,’ confirms Hayley.
‘Well, just hop on the bed if you would, then if you can undo your jeans a bit and pull your top up that would be great.’
Hayley does as she’s told and I notice her hands are shaking as she fiddles with her belt.
I smile at her in as reassuring a way as possible and give her a little wink.
‘There we are then,’ says the nurse in a soothing voice. ‘So, I’m just going to put some gel on your tummy, which will feel a bit cold.’
‘OK,’ says Hayley and my heart goes out to her. She looks so vulnerable and for once there’s no hiding how she really feels. This baby means the absolute world to her and it’s been so long in coming she’ll probably end up spoiling it rotten. It’s so exciting I think as a new wave of emotion hits me. I reach for her hand, half-expecting her to bat me away but she has no qualms whatsoever about taking it in hers and gripping it hard.
The nurse finishes squirting gel onto Hayley’s tummy and then picks up the device that will see into her belly. She places it on her skin and immediately a shape of some sort can be seen on the screen next to us and a sort of thumping whooshing sound is picked up.
‘Oh my god,’ cries Hayley ‘Did you hear that, Marianne?’
‘Yeah,’ I nod, grinning.
‘That’s the heartbeat isn’t it?’ said Hayley, tears pouring down her face. ‘That’s my baby. Is it all right? Does it look OK?’
‘There it is,’ says the nurse, reaching over for some of the hospital tissue that’s usually used for wiping gel off stomachs, but handing it to Hayley so she can wipe her face. She’s obviously entirely used to dealing with overwhelmed mums.
‘Now, just let me have a proper look for a minute and then I’ll turn the screen around again.’
‘OK,’ says Hayley full of sentiment. By now she’s squeezing my hand so hard it’s starting to hurt, but I don’t mind at all. ‘Did you see it?’ she gushes. ‘Did you see it Marianne?’
‘I certainly did,’ I smile back at her. Then my heart sort of lurches in my chest because suddenly I’m not so sure I like the expression on the nurse’s face. I could be wrong but it seems to me that she’s looking concerned.
‘What?’ says Hayley, and I realise that in turn she’s scrutinising my face, at which point I immediately try to cover up any sign of worry.
‘Nothing,’ I say brightly, rearranging my expression.
‘Why were you looking like that? You looked worried.’ To my horror Hayley swivels herself around on the bed so she can stare at the nurse who’s still busily moving the camera around Hayley’s belly with one hand, while using the other one to tap buttons on the keyboard in front of her. Her face is very concentrated and unfortunately Hayley also seems to pick up on whatever it was that I had, for now I can hear panic in her voice, ‘What is it? Tell me, is something wrong?’
The nurse looks at us both but her face is studiously impassive and she seems determined not to give anything away at all. ‘I won’t be a minute,’ she says lightly, turning the screen further towards her so we can no longer see it at all. ‘
I just want to get the doctor and ask him to check something for me.’
‘But what is it?’ says Hayley, who is starting to sound a bit hysterical. Not that I’m feeling particularly calm myself. What the hell was going on? I’m suddenly overcome by a terrifying sensation that I think is probably dread.
‘Don’t worry,’ says the nurse. ‘I’ll be right back.’
As she heads out the door, Hayley turns to me, looking desperate, ‘Please Marianne, make her tell us what’s going on. Go and ask her for me.’
So I let go of my sister’s hand and rush into the corridor feeling a bit sick and wishing Gary was there. He’s an idiot but he’s also her husband and should be here supporting her. She needs him, and his absence, given that he’d had the choice, seems so wrong. Especially now it seems things might not be entirely straightforward.
‘Excuse me, my sister’s just a bit worried. Is everything OK?’ I call after the nurse who’s already halfway down the corridor.
She turns but merely smiles and nods in a way that tells me precisely nothing before carrying on. It’s so frustrating.
‘Try not to worry, I’ll be back in a minute,’ is all she’ll say.
The next seven minutes feel like years. Hayley just lies there weeping and I don’t know what to say, apart from to try and comfort her with platitudes, which deep down I feel probably aren’t true. ‘It could all be fine,’ I keep saying. ‘Maybe she’s new and just isn’t sure about something? Maybe it’s twins?’
This is the one thing I suggest that makes Hayley briefly look quite hopeful to the point where I almost feel sorry I said it, for of course there are probably so many other reasons the nurse could have gone to get a doctor.
Finally she comes back, with a reassuringly professional looking, middle-aged doctor in tow. I’m glad he isn’t really young. Somehow the situation seems to require his age and experience. Still, I tell myself, it could still all be OK. Maybe it is twins?
‘What is it, doctor?’ begs Hayley, who by this stage has got herself into a complete state.
‘Let’s just have a look and then I’ll be able to tell you a bit more,’ he says calmly.
His unruffled, kind manner seems to do the trick. Hayley stops crying for the first time since the nurse left the room and as he squirts yet more gel on her belly and starts having a good look at the contents of her tummy for himself, she stays very, very still. He seems to be concentrating on the area almost at the top of her bikini line and at one point is pressing in so hard I can tell Hayley’s finding it quite uncomfortable.
‘Sorry,’ he says but Hayley doesn’t reply, clearly too numb with fear. I feel sick and wish there was a chair I could sink onto. I stare hard at the doctor, willing him to look up with a reassuring smile, to tell us everything’s OK.
During this whole process however his eyes never leave the screen and only after a good five whole minutes of looking at whatever he’s looking at, by which point he’s sure of what that is, does he turn to Hayley. Looking directly at her he says softly, ‘I’m very sorry to have to tell you this Mrs Evans, but I’m afraid your baby isn’t developing as it should be at this stage.’
I can’t bear it. It’s just too awful.
Hayley lets out a low moan of distress. Then, looking panicked and utterly broken at the same time she says, ‘But … what do you mean? We heard the heartbeat. Didn’t we Marianne? So it’s alive isn’t it? And isn’t that what you want at this scan, to hear the heartbeat?’
‘It is,’ agrees the doctor. ‘But unfortunately there are many other things to look at too and I’m afraid it looks like your baby is missing a chromosome.’
‘Well can you do something about that?’ she says, her voice a broken whisper. ‘I don’t mind if the baby’s disabled or something. I don’t care,’ she says and dissolves into sobs that rack her whole body. ‘I’ll love it anyway.’
I can’t bear to see my sister in so much pain and by now I’m crying too, silently wishing I could make it all go away. This is beyond a nightmare and so unfair. Why her baby?
The doctor shakes his head and grabs some tissue so he can wipe the gel off her belly. ‘I’m afraid, Mrs Evans, that your baby hasn’t formed properly at all. In fact, the likelihood of your baby making it to full term is extremely unlikely,’ he says gently, yet in a way that offers no window of hope for her to latch on to. ‘Even if it did survive the full nine months, which I don’t believe it would, it wouldn’t live for very long after it had been born. It has a very rare condition. However, what I can tell you is that there’s absolutely no reason it should ever happen again in subsequent pregnancies. Though for this baby I can only stress that there really is no hope.’
‘So, what are you suggesting?’ wails Hayley. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Well,’ says the doctor, ‘I would strongly recommend that we book you in for a procedure within the next few days.’
‘You mean an abortion?’ Hayley whispers, as the total horror of the situation starts to sink in.
My heart drops to my boots.
‘Yes,’ he confirms.
Hayley starts crying again, but for a long time no sound comes out of her mouth. When it does, it’s the most wretched noise I think I’ve ever heard. ‘Hayley I’m so sorry,’ I say, wrapping my arms around her and stroking her hair, wishing I could make it all better but knowing I can’t.
We leave the hospital utterly shell-shocked. Unlike the happy couples we saw earlier, we leave that room looking and feeling devastated, which can’t help the nerves of the poor couples waiting to go in. Hayley can’t stop crying and I don’t know how I get us home in one piece, but I do.
‘Stay with me,’ she pleads as we walk into her house.
‘Of course,’ I say, immediately. I notice Hayley hasn’t taken her shoes off. Not that I’ll be pointing that out but it shows how upset she is. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘How am I going to tell Gary?’ she says suddenly, a fresh set of tears streaming down her face.
‘I don’t know babe, but why don’t you do it soon. Get it out of the way. Apart from anything else he’ll want to look after you.’
She nods and I fetch the phone for her. She dials the number but then bottles it. ‘I can’t do it,’ she says, handing me the phone. ‘I can’t say it.’
I shake my head, not feeling it’s my place to break such dreadful news, but she looks so pitiful that in the end I take it from her. It’s already ringing.
‘Babe,’ Gary says, thinking it’s Hayley. ‘Hello darlin’, how did it go? Has he got a big schlong like his dad?’
‘Gary it’s me, Marianne. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.’
To his credit Gary’s home in twenty minutes. We hear him speeding into the cul-de-sac like a deranged boy racer, and when he charges into the house I feel really sad for him too. It’s only just occurred to me that of course today, he’s lost a baby too.
The minute he sees Hayley he scoops her up into a big hug and she sobs into his shoulder.
‘I’m so sorry Gary,’ she keeps saying.
‘Don’t be silly babes,’ he says, stroking her blonde hair off her puffy, devastated face. ‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.’
Relieved to hear him saying the right thing and happy that she’s with the person she’s supposed to be with, I leave the sad couple to it and make my way back home wondering why life can be such a complete and utter bitch sometimes.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Hayley is naturally shattered and grief stricken by the loss of her baby. Though somehow having to face an abortion seems the cruellest part of it all and I lose count of how many times she asks me whether she should ignore the doctors and try and keep it, no matter how severe the baby’s disabilities. Later that afternoon she’d phoned the hospital and got the news that she was scheduled in for a termination on the following Monday morning, meaning she had another four whole days to get through before it would all be over. It’s all so horrific.
Try as sh
e might, Hayley simply can’t wrap her head round the idea that, in a few days’ time, she’ll be required to sign a form, effectively agreeing to kill her beloved, much wanted child. Logic’s no replacement for feelings and although Gary and I have tried to make her see, in the gentlest way possible, that she has no choice, she’s still torturing herself about it.
Of course Mum was horrified to hear what had happened, but because she made the mistake of not being wholly enthusiastic from the very beginning about this poor little mite who’ll never be making it into the world, Hayley’s refusing to see her. In fact, she’s refusing to see anyone other than Gary and me. Hayley doesn’t have many friends and the ones she does have aren’t the kind she feels comfortable seeing in such a vulnerable, raw state. So she’s locked herself at home, refusing to eat or do anything except lie listlessly on the sofa. When I turned up unannounced the day after the scan I was shocked by her appearance. Hayley’s usually so groomed and immaculate, but right now she was a mess. Her hair was lank and greasy, her face was bloated from crying, and she was wearing her pyjamas in the middle of the afternoon.
I agreed to take another Monday off work so that I could take her to the hospital, despite the fact I’d bunked off last Monday and that I’m also taking Friday afternoon off so I can pick Andy up when he arrives. At this rate I’ll be lucky if Roberto doesn’t fire me, but I don’t really care. If the worst comes to the worst I’m sure I can probably find a job in another salon. This time I also decide not to question why the hell Gary isn’t going to be there to support his wife when she goes in for the procedure. Pointing out that he’s a spineless twat isn’t what Hayley needs right now, though when he took me to one side and asked whether I would go instead of him, at the time I could have cheerfully throttled him. His flimsy excuse was that girls were better in ‘these sorts of situations’, which is pathetic.
Gary’s the worst kind of coward as far as I’m concerned but I’m not going to cause any fuss. All Hayley needs right now is for us all to be there for her and for histrionics to be kept to a bare minimum.