With that, I will sign off now. Please remember that I love you all. Stick together because, in this fucked -up world, we can only rely on ourselves and each other. Please, don’t blame yourselves for what I’ve done., tThis was my choice,, my demon to vanquish. Maybe now I’ll be able to find the peace that has eluded me for so many years.
Love, Damien
***
“Keets!”
I glance up as I shove the letter I’m writing into a plain white envelope. “What’s up?” I ask, sealing it and writing on the front before putting the pen down. Taking off my glasses, I lay them on the desk. It’s been a long day, and I’m exhausted. “What’s that?” Shannon asks, gesturing to the letter as she steps into the office and closes the door quietly behind her.
“Nothing,” I say, stuffing it inside my leather jacket pocket. The last thing I want is for her to read what I just wrote. No one can know what I’m planning until it’s too late to stop me.
She raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, she states, “Nat’s going to be here any minute,” referring to her little sister. Natalie Harper has been away at college for the past few years, but with Shannon leaving for Hawaii with her stepson, Zeke, and husband, Stone, Natalie is coming back to help run their late father’s bar, Saddles. I don’t know much about her, only that she’s six years younger than Shannon. Which, if I’m not mistaken makes her about twenty-three, much younger than my almost forty. “Keets? Did you hear what I said?”
I snap out of my thoughts and smile at Shannon as I stand. “Sure,” I say. “I’ll make sure Natalie runs the bar properly.” I know how much Saddles means to her.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Shannon asks, her brow creasing with concern.
“I’m fine,” I reply, plastering a fake smile on my face as I drop a light kiss on the top of her blonde hair, draping a heavily tattooed arm around her shoulders. “Stop worrying so much. You’re gonna go to Hawaii and you’re going to have an amazing time.”
She sighs and drops her head on my shoulder. “I know you’re right,” she groans. “I just don’t know if we should be going right now.”
“Why not?”
“Well, for one thing, Zeke is—”
“A typical teenage boy,” I interrupt her. Shannon married my best friend, Stone, about three months ago, but their relationship has been anything but easy. Stone’s first wife, Grace, was diagnosed with a brain tumor and sent Stone the son he never knew he had. For the longest time, Zeke refused to speak to anyone, but Shannon was finally able to get through to him and the two of them formed a close bond. Then there were the financial issues with Saddles. Stone thought he could make the situation better by marrying Shannon and paying off her debts, and it would’ve been a perfect plan. However, Shannon was arrested for murder at their wedding reception. I knew she’d been abused by her ex, Troy, but I hadn’t known the true extent of his depravity until that day. When Shannon was jailed for the murder he framed her for, no one knew what to do… least of all her brand new husband. It’d taken some pretty harsh words from his son, but thankfully Stone was able to get himself sorted out and prove Shannon’s innocence, and Troy was put on death row. We thought things would get back to normal, but lately, Zeke’s been acting out, talking back and generally being rude. I suspect it has more to do with him hitting puberty than anything else. But I know Shannon and Stone are worried. “He’ll be fine,” I insist, squeezing her shoulders once before releasing her. “When do you guys leave?”
“In about ten minutes,” Shannon laughs, smoothing her blonde curls back over her shoulder and pulling them up into some kind of low twist. She’s a beautiful woman, and for a short time I thought maybe she and I… but Shannon’s more like a sister to me, and I couldn’t betray Liz’s memory by starting a new relationship with another woman. “There you are,” Stone’s voice booms as the office door slams open and he strides in wearing a black T-shirt and blue jeans. His short hair is slicked back as though he’s just had a shower, and a strong smell of musky aftershave follows him into the room. I chuckle as he leans over and presses a long, hard kiss against her lips, his hands roaming down to her pert ass covered by a pair of tight blue jeans. Discreetly clearing my throat, I raise my eyebrows and bite my bottom lip to hide my grin. When Stone growls and pulls away from his wife, annoyance is written on his face. “Can I help you?” he snaps at me.
“Oh, no.” I laugh, hooking my thumbs through the belt loops on my jeans as I lean back against the wall. “Just enjoying the show.” I’m rewarded when Shannon flushes a pretty shade of pink.
“Enjoy it all you want,” he says. “Because looking’s all you’re gonna get.”
I laugh out loud at that. I never imagined I’d see Stone so hung up on a woman, but Shannon’s had him wrapped around her little finger since day one. I’m happy for him; he’s been through Hell and back, and he deserves love and happiness. “Hurry up,” he says, his eyes softening as he looks at Shannon. “Zeke’s waiting for us outside.”
“I’ll be there in just a minute,” she promises, watching as he walks out of the office and through the bar, out the front door. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” she asks, turning back to me, giving me her undivided attention. “Of course,” I answer, walking with her into the main bar area. She seems a little distracted, but I just put it down to pre-vacation jitters. Rummaging through her pockets, she pulls out a set of keys. “For the bar,” she explains, passing them over to me. I nod silently and pocket the keys before following her to the front door. I see Stone waiting impatiently outside, leaning against his truck as he jiggles his keys in his hands. Zeke is in the back seat with his headphones on, clearly not interested in speaking to anyone. “Have a great time,” I say, wrapping my arms around her in a warm hug, grinning over the top of her head at Stone’s scowl. He hates anyone’s hands on his woman. She nods silently and pulls away, but not before I notice the telltale sign of tears shining in her big blue eyes. “See you later,” she whispers, hurrying out of the bar. I watch through the window as she stops by Stone, who wraps his arms around her. Even from here, I can see how much they love one another and it’s almost sickening.
After they leave, I busy myself tidying up the bar. It’s a rustic-looking place, with wooden furniture and a large moose head mounted on the wall above the bar. A mechanical bull sits on the opposite side of the room and looks like it’s rarely used. I’ve often spoken to Shannon about renovating Saddles, but she always shuts me down before I even finish. I get it, though; this bar belonged to her father, and she doesn’t want it changed.
Taking my leather jacket off, I leave my grey tank top on and get to work. As I wipe down the tables, my mind drifts back to the letter burning a hole in my pocket. If you’d told me fourteen years ago that today I’d be wiping down tables and planning my suicide, I would have laughed at you. In my early twenties, I had it all; there was no reason to think the way I do now. It’s funny how things change so quickly. I can’t help but wonder if any of them are actually going to miss me when I’m gone. I know they say I’m their friend, that I’m like family to them, but am I really? If I just disappeared, would they try to find me and bring me home safely? I briefly dated Shannon’s best friend, Ruth. I thought she cared about me, and I guess, in her own way, she did. But, like me, her life was complicated, and when things got rough she high-tailed it out of town as fast as she could. I guess I don’t blame her, I’m all kinds of fucked up. I probably would have destroyed her life... just like I destroyed Liz’s. Dropping the rag on the table, I walk behind the bar and pull out a bottle of whiskey and a glass. Not bothering to measure it, I slosh the alcohol into the glass and throw it straight down my throat, grunting at the burn. My eyes immediately begin to water, but I already start to feel better. Is this what it was like for Stone? Maybe I should have become an alcoholic, too. Grabbing a shot glass, I measure it out properly this time, and add three ice cubes. They clink together as I walk over to the office and step
inside. I’ve been staying here while my house is renovated, and while it’s not much, I’ve tried to make it as homey as possible. There’s a couch on the far side of the room, across from a double bed, with a television set up at the foot of the bed so I can watch movies... or porn. Taking a seat at the table, I grin as I pick up a pen with a large white feather on the top. Shannon’s father made it for her years ago, and it’s been a running joke ever since she and I met because she refuses to part with it. I can’t count how many times I’ve come into this office and seen her bent over the desk, writing in the ledger with this ridiculous pen. Pulling the note from my pocket, I stuff it in the top drawer beneath some old paperwork, certain that no one will find it before it’s time. A knock on the door surprises me, and I quickly shove the drawer closed as the door opens and our newest bartender, Lance, walks in. “Hey Keets,” he smiles with perfect white teeth as he drops a stack of papers on the desk. “These are the new employee contracts, they came in a little while ago.”
“Thanks Lance,” I smile, picking them up and thumbing briefly through them. My eyebrows shoot up into my hairline as I see my new salary. I’ve been promoted to Manager? Pity I won’t be around long enough to make good use of that new title. “Everything seems to be in order,” I tell Lance, putting the contracts into the tray on Shannon’s desk. “What are you still doing here, anyway? I thought you clocked out an hour ago.”
“I was just clearing some stuff in the back,” Lance says, pulling his oversized white sunglasses down over his eyes. They stand out in stark contrast against his dark skin. His smile touches the rim of his glasses. “What do you think?” he asks. “I got them on eBay last week.”
“Nice, man, but don’t you have a pair already?” I laugh. Lance is always wearing ridiculous white sunglasses, how can he tell them apart?
“You can never have too many pairs of white sunglasses,” he says in mock indignation. Laughing, I adjust my glasses as I push the chair back and stand up. “Are you heading home now?”
He shakes his head, smile still in place. “I’m heading into town. My friend and I are going to try out this new club, maybe pick ourselves up a couple of girls. You want to join us?”
I’m so tempted, but I shake my head. “Sorry man, not this time. Shan’s sister will be here any minute, and someone needs to show her around.”
“Cool,” he says, looking distracted. Probably thinking about the pussy he’s going to get tonight. “I wonder if she’s as hot as her sister.”
“She’s probably very nice to look at,” I laugh. “But she’s also your boss’s sister, so remember, she’s off limits.”
“Hey man, that’s cool, I get it,” Lance says, throwing his hands up in surrender. “But there’s no harm in looking, right?”
I snort, “Of course there’s no harm in looking,” surprised he’d even have to ask such a stupid question. I’m only male, after all. “Now go on, get some pussy for the both of us. I have work to do.” He laughs as I follow him out into the main bar area. I watch as he grabs his jacket hanging on the hook behind the bar and shrugs it on. “Man, you’re missing out,” he tells me as he grabs his keys. “I hear the booty is fine at this new bar. They’ve got bitches in cages, man.”
My cock stirs at the thought, and I remove my glasses to rub my eyes. It’s been a few weeks since it got wet and the bastard seems to have taken on a mind of its own. “I can’t,” I repeat firmly, putting my glasses back on. “Not tonight.”
“Suit yourself,” Lance shrugs, walking over to the door as he pulls his motorcycle helmet on. “Just remember,” he says, looking back over his shoulder at me, “If the booty’s fine, take it from behind.” His laughter echoes through the bar as he slams the door closed behind him.
I chuckle as I walk back to the office and grab my glass before returning to the bar and dumping the contents down the sink. Placing the glass on the rack ready for the dishwasher, I grab the rag I discarded earlier and proceed to wipe down the tables. The place definitely needs an upgrade; the lacquer has peeled away from the tabletops, leaving bare wood exposed. When she gets back, I really need to talk to Shannon about it. I know she’s keeping it for nostalgia’s sake, but we’re going to start losing customers if they start getting splinters.
A noise from outside rouses me from my thoughts, and I look through the window to see a cab pull up in front. That must be Shannon’s sister, Natalie. I drop the rag on the table and wipe my hands on the back of my jeans as I walk over to the door of the bar and pull it open, ready to help her with her bags. But what I see when I step outside will be stuck with me for the rest of my life. The most perfectly molded ass I’ve ever seen is sticking out of the back seat of the cab as she gathers some bags from the floor. The short skirt is stretched impossibly thin, and as she reaches over even further, I glimpse a scrap of white lace and creamy flesh. My jeans grow uncomfortably tight and I resist the urge to adjust my cock in my pants. It really has been too long since it slid inside a tight pussy.
Then I see it, so small I almost think I imagined it. Realization hits me like a bullet, and for a moment, it’s hard for me to breathe. There, just on the inside of her right thigh, is a small cluster of raised scars in perfect lines.
She’s a cutter.
Natalie
Never indulge in sex with a stranger. Isn’t that something they teach you in high school? Now it looks as though my drunken night with Mel has left me with a lot more than I bargained for. My hands shake as I stare at the little stick. Bile rises in my throat and I force it back down as I watch the two pink lines appear.
I’m pregnant.
How the ever-loving fuck did that happen? Okay, I know how it happened, but seriously? I’m not cut out to be a mother; I’m not mature enough for that kind of responsibility. I’m barely in my twenties. I’ve never even babysat before. Standing up, I wash my hands before I exit the bathroom and head straight for the fridge. Pulling it open I grab a bottle of water and drink at least half of it as I stand there with the door open. I take a deep breath and lean heavily against the door, squeezing my eyes shut as I will this all to be just some really bad dream. It has to be, right? I’ve never had ‘drunk sex’ before, I’m not that sort of girl. I’m always the designated driver, I wouldn’t even dream of hooking up with a guys I’d only just met. And yet, you did it, my mind taunts me as I put the bottle of water back in the fridge and close the door. Pulling my shoulder length hair up into a ponytail, I walk to the living room where my suitcase sits open on the coffee table. My eyes fall on the pile of Luke’s clothes and my heart breaks all over again. I don’t understand how he could just leave me after three years together; did he ever love me at all? I saw a side of him I didn’t like that night at the restaurant, a side of him I’ve never seen before. He was so cold… distant. Forget him, Nat, I scold myself as I shake my head. He’s nothing but a jerk. Scooping them up, I march outside and dump them in the trash, feeling a smug sense of satisfaction as I slam the lid closed and brush my hands clean on my skirt. I know it’s probably a shitty thing to do and I’ll probably regret it later, but right now it feels pretty damn good to me. I hear my cell phone ringing inside and rush to answer it. “Hello?”
“Hey, Bitch,” Mel yells in my ear. “What are you doing tonight? I heard there’s this great new bar opening.”
“I can’t, remember?” I laugh as I walk back through to the living room and close my suitcase. Checking the clock on the wall, I note that the cab will be here in about five minutes. “I’m looking after my sister’s bar for two weeks.”
“Boo,” Mel says, slightly slurring her words. I grin as I shake my head, she can’t be drunk already, it’s barely four pm. “I’m sorry,” I tell her, resting the phone between my cheek and my shoulder as I chuck my phone charger in a duffel bag and spray deodorant beneath my arms. I can hear her talking in the background to a man, ordering another drink. “I’ll catch up with you when I get back, I promise.”
“You better,” she says, “you owe
me.”
After hanging up, I walk through the house, checking all the locks. Pausing in the bedroom, I lean against the door and stare at the bed where Luke and I slept just a few short weeks ago. Somehow though, I’m not hurting as much as I thought I would be. What’s up with that? A car horn awakens me from my thoughts, and I walk back through to the living room. Peering through the curtains, I see a yellow cab waiting out front. Zipping up my suitcase, I grab my duffel bag and shove my phone in in my bra as I walk out the door.
***
We’re driving into the small, Texan, countryside town when the cab driver glances at me in the rearview mirror and, for the hundredth time, I wish I were wearing a longer skirt. My hand rests lightly on my stomach that’s just beginning to curve; so far, I just look plump, not pregnant. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with motherhood. Is it even something I want at this stage of my life? Abortion is something I’ve never considered, but I’ve just finished college and haven’t even had the chance to use my degree yet.
The cab pulls up outside Saddles, and I pass the money over the driver’s shoulder and tap my fingers impatiently as I wait for the change. I wish I had my own car, but with college fees taking up most of my money I just couldn’t afford the upkeep. He finally hands the change over, his fingers brushing against mine in an almost intimate caress. Snatching my hand back, I push open the door and step out before turning and leaning back inside to retrieve my bags, pressing one knee into the seat as I bend over. I freeze when someone clears their throat directly behind me, and in my haste to get out of the car, I bump my head on the doorframe. “Fuck,” I curse, rubbing the top of my head as I turn with a scowl of annoyance. But immediately, I feel as though the air has been sucked from my lungs as I stare at the man... no, beast, standing in front of me with a wry, lopsided grin. He’s tall—I would barely reach his shoulder without heels—and his shoulders are broad, at least twice the width of mine. I’m suddenly made aware of my tiny stature, but I still force myself to throw my hair back and square my shoulders as I meet his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes, framed by dark-rimmed glasses. When did the geek look become so sexy? When it’s on a tall, buff beast of a man, my mind taunts. His large, tattooed arms are bare under the tank top he’s wearing, and the low rise of his jeans leaves nothing to the imagination. Is that a hard on? He clears his throat again and my eyes fly up to meet his, a dull flush crawling up my cheeks at having been caught openly ogling him. Way to go, Harper. Let’s all just stare at the sexy man like we’ve never seen one before.
Flawed (Blaze of Glory #2) Page 4