“You mean you’re not angry at me?” I ask hopefully, paling when she gives me a level stare.
“I’m fucking furious,” she admits, smoothing her hair out of her face. “But what’s done is done, and despite everything you’re still my sister. This family needs to stick together, or we’ll all fall apart.”
I nod my agreement as Stone braces his hands on the table and gives me a hard look. “We won’t let him touch your baby,” he promises.
I look at my sister and her husband, my heart overflowing with love for the both of them. “So what do we do?”
KEETS
They say when you die that you see your loved ones and a white light at the end of a long tunnel. It’s meant to make the transition easier, I guess. I have no idea what’s waiting for me, but somehow I don’t think it’s a chorus of angels. I’m too fucked up, too flawed to deserve any of that shit. I take my time unpacking my few belongings in the hotel room. I didn’t bring much; what would be the use in that? It’s not as though I can take any of it with me where I’m going. As I reach into the bag, my fingers touch something cold and hard. Pulling it out, I touch the frame that holds the last photo I have of myself and Liz, right after she accepted my marriage proposal and told me about our child.. We were so happy that day, and I thought nothing could ever come between us.
Sitting back on the bed, I kick my shoes off and lift the open bottle of Jack to my lips, my eyes never leaving her face as the familiar burn winds its way down my throat. Grimacing at the feeling, my eyes sting and start to water, making it hard to see. I’m already through half the bottle; I would’ve thought I’d be passed out by now. Apparently, my body seems to think I can take even more punishment.
As I stare at the photo, it starts to blur, and Liz’s face morphs into that of a beautiful blonde. Squeezing my eyes shut and opening them again, all I can see is Natalie Harper’s face staring at me. Dropping the frame on the bed in disgust, I swallow another mouthful of whiskey and groan, tears streaming down my face as I sit alone in the room. On my last night alive. I always thought that I’d die in battle, surrounded by my army brothers as I save their lives in some stupidly heroic act. I never imagined I’d die alone, surrounded by nothing by pain and regret. My thoughts flash to Nat, and fresh tears stream down my face. Will she ever understand why I need to do this? Could she ever possibly comprehend the price I have to pay for failing to save my fiancée and unborn child fourteen long years ago?
What the hell is wrong with me? I’m betraying Liz with thoughts of Natalie. Is it even possible to have feelings for two women? I’ve felt nothing but guilt for years, but she somehow made me forget that for a time. What does it mean?
It means you need to hurry up and follow through with your promise, I scold myself. You owe your life to Liz. Nothing can ever change that, not even a blonde who makes you forget your own damn name.
Standing on unsteady feet, I make my way out to the balcony and stare out at the site of my death. Ground Zero. I knew it would end here; somehow, I think I’ve always known that. My destiny was set the moment that tower crumbled in front of me, stealing my fiancée and unborn child. An image of Natalie pregnant with Troy’s baby flashes in my mind, and I let out a roar of fury that echoes across the night. Turning back into the room, I throw the bottle with all my might, watching with sick satisfaction as it smashes against the wall, alcohol exploding and raining down onto the grey carpet, staining it a sick sort of brown. How dare she fuck that pig, Troy? Who the hell does he think he is, taking Natalie and her child away from me? Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Natalie’s crying face, broken because of what I did to her, what I continue to do. I’m so fucked up; why do I always hurt the people I love? It’s like the tower is crumbling in front of my eyes all over again, only this time the tower is Natalie Harper, and I’m the plane that drove straight into her heart, dooming her to a fate worse than death… A life without love. Dropping to my knees, I let the tears fall freely, not caring who can hear me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I need help.
I need her.
Grabbing the phone from the desk, I blink a few times as the keys seem to move in front of me. Punching in her cell phone number I listen to the phone ring. Then…
“Hello?” her soft, sweet voice sounds in my ear, and fresh tears fall.
“Natalie,” I sob.
“Keets?” I hear her audible gasp through the phone. “Keets, are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m so sorry,” I slur. “I should have treated you better. I think I love you, but yo-you deserve better.”
“Keets, are you drunk? Where are you?”
“I’m with Liz,” I say, flinching when I hear her sharp intake of breath. “No, please, Nat. Listen to me. It’s not what you think.”
“Then what is it?” she asks, her voice cutting through me like ice.
I sigh and lean back against the bed, sitting on the floor. “Liz was my fiancée,” I tell her. “She died on 9/11.”
“Oh, my God,” Natalie gasps, her voice muffled. “Keets, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
I nod even though I know she can’t see it. “I know,” I tell her as the tears come again. “I tried to save her, Nat, I really fucking tried. She told me to get out, to save everyone else. I-I watched the tower fall, I heard her scream. She told me to live, but I can’t…” I pause as I hear Natalie openly crying. “Please, don’t cry for me,” I tell her.
“How can I not?” she asks, but I hear her trying to calm down. “How can I help?”
“You can’t,” I tell her honestly. “I just wanted to hear your voice one last time.”
“One last time? One last time before what?”
“Listen, Nat, there’s a letter in the top drawer in the office at Saddles. I left it there before I came to New York. I need you to find it, and give it to Stone and Shannon.”
“What letter?” she asks. “What’s going on?”
“Did you know I turn forty tomorrow, Natalie?” I chuckle, not really hearing her. “Forty years old, that’s practically an old man.”
“Keets!” Natalie shouts in my ear. “Whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t do it. Just come home, okay? We can talk about this.”
I shake my head sadly, even though I know she can’t see it. “I can’t,” I tell her. “I think I’ve always known it would end this way. I owe my life to Liz, and I plan to give it to her tomorrow.”
“You can’t be serious,” she cries, but I force myself to turn a deaf ear to her.
“Will you tell me now, Nat?” I ask her. My voice is so quiet that I’m not even sure she heard me.
“Tell you what?” she echoes through her tears.
“Why you cut yourself.”
I hear her sharp intake of breath, and I almost regret asking her. Almost. But there’s a stronger part of me that needs to know the truth. That needs to know why she harms herself the way she does.
She takes a deep, shuddering sigh before speaking. “I was eighteen,” she says quietly. “Daddy kept telling me how good Shannon was, at everything. I was always under so much pressure to do better, no matter how well I did. Then I met Luke, and-”
“Who’s Luke?” I demand harshly, a burst of jealousy shooting through my veins at the idea of another man touching Natalie.
“He’s my ex,” she explains. “He taught me how to release all of the fear, the frustration… the anger.”
“By cutting.”
“Yes,” she says brokenly. “Don’t you understand, Keets? I had nothing else. I was young and fucking worthless. My daddy didn’t need me, my sister sure as hell didn’t need me. I had no one.”
My heart is breaking for her. I know all too well what it’s like to be alone, and my arms ache to hold her, to let her know that she’s safe and warm and… loved?
“Luke made me feel special for the first time in so many years,” she cries. I can hear her tears through the phone and each sigh is like a bolt of awareness straight at my
heart. I wish I could be beside her, to show her how beautiful she is to me, scars and all.
“Natalie,” I say in a gruff voice, forcing back my own tears of pain and frustration. “Listen to me. You are not worthless, okay? Far from it, in fact. You are so beautiful, and generous. You got through to Zeke when I couldn’t.”
“Thank you,” she sniffs, and I can tell she’s trying to smile. “When are you coming back?”
I wince in pain at her words. No matter what’s happened, nothing has really changed. I can’t go back. Not now, not ever. “I can’t,” I tell her sadly. “Don’t you see? I have my own burden to bear. Liz sacrificed her life, the life of our child, to save me. Her death will be in vain if I don’t repay the debt somehow.”
“Don’t do this,” she begs, openly weeping. “Please, Keets. I need you, we all need you.”
“I can’t,” I repeat, pleading with her to understand.
“You don’t have to do this,” she tells me, and for a brief moment I almost believe her. What would be the worst that would happen if I didn’t go through with this plan? Liz and our baby would still be dead, and I would still be wracked with guilt over not being able to save them both. Could I really live with that knowledge? Deep down, I already know the answer to that question.
“Goodbye, Natalie.” I say softly. “Don’t think too harshly of me.”
“Keets, no, don’t do this. I love-”
I hang up the phone, unable to hear those words from her. It’s too little, too late. I’m not deserving of her love, of anyone’s love. Tomorrow, this will all be over, and she will be able to move on and find love with someone who truly deserves it. The pain in my chest grows and spreads as I think of Natalie kissing another man, his hands running all over her creamy skin. My nails dig into the palms of my hands until they pierce the skin, but I barely notice the drops of blood that stain the grey carpet. I stand and open my bag, retrieving the gun I put in there yesterday. It feels light in my hands, as though it knows the burden it will take away from me. My heart is filled with doubt but a smile spreads across my face as I think of Liz.
I’m finally ready to repay my debt.
NATALIE
I sit staring at the phone for a long minute after he hangs up, tears streaming down my face. I can’t believe he’s talking as though he’s going to kill himself. Does he not realize how much we all need him to live? How much we all love him?
I blanch at that, pondering my own words. I’d almost told him that on the phone. I’d thought to comfort him, but is it true? Do I love Keets?
Jumping into action, I call Shannon and Stone, briefing them on the situation. They find the note and read it out loud to me, and I hear their tears through the phone. It breaks my heart to finally understand the depth of pain that Keets has been forced to endure for fourteen years. Honestly, I’m more than a little surprised that he’s still here with us.
“I have to go get him,” I say firmly, determination in my voice.
“You can’t leave town,” Shannon reminds me, and I curse loudly. I’d forgotten all about that. Our relationship is definitely still strained after Shannon learned of my pregnancy, but at least we’re talking and I know she still cares. I know I’d deserved everything she said, and I’d just sat there and taken every curse word, every insult, and then I’d taken a razor blade to my inner thigh. This time, the cut was so deep I’d needed stitches. Shannon came to see me in the hospital, and through our tears we finally began to understand one another. We’re a far cry from being best friends, but at least I know that my sister understands that I had no idea who Troy was when I met him. Families stick together, she’d said.
“I have to,” I tell her. “They’ll understand. It’s a matter of life and death.”
“I don’t know that they will, Nat,” Stone says, indicating that I’m on speakerphone. “These are the courts we’re talking about. They’re usually pretty rigid in their rulings.”
“I don’t care,” I insist.
“Let us go with you,” Shannon says, and I shake my head. “No, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to be the one to speak to Keets.”
“Okay,” Stone agrees. “But we’re still coming. We’ll stay away unless you tell us not to, but you can’t stop us from going to New York.”
“All right,” I snap impatiently. “Be ready, we leave in an hour.”
Hanging up the phone, I spring into action and pack a bag. Within twenty minutes, Stone, Shannon and Zeke are on the doorstep, ready to go. Throwing my bag in the back, I climb into the back seat with Zeke and stare out the window at the dark sky as Stone flies down the highway. It’s a twenty-four-hour drive, but I know we’ll make it in half the time at the rate Stone is driving. I think briefly about telling him to slow down, but quickly decide against it. This is Keets we’re talking about. His life is hanging in the balance.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I silently berate myself. You shouldn’t have fucking left him, Natalie. This is your fault. You should have fought harder, should have stayed with him. Why didn’t you tell him the truth sooner?
My nails dig into my hand, breaking the skin as I make no effort to wipe away the tears.
A hand pries open my fist and slips into mine. I turn my head to see Zeke’s encouraging smile. Squeezing it lightly, I manage a small smile in return before turning to look out the window again. I can’t lose Keets, not now when I’ve only just found him. He’s put everything on the line for everyone, never asking for anything in return. It’s our turn to be there for him.
If we’re on time.
KEETS
Although I approach Ground Zero with my head held high, my heart is heavy, dragged down by a myriad of emotions and doubt. For years I thought about how this would end up, but now that the moment is finally here, I’m no longer one hundred percent certain that I’m doing the right thing.
My steps falter as I realize I’ll never see Natalie again, but I force myself forward, nodding as I approach the memorial wall. I know deep down that I just have to get this over and done with. Within the next ten minutes, my life debt to Liz will be repaid and it will be as though I never existed. Running my fingers over the wall, I walk the entire length of it, looking at each and every name. So many people lost, so many lives destroyed. All this senseless violence; when will it ever end? I pause as I see the one name I’ve been searching for: Elizabeth Zaina. There she is, like a siren beckoning for me to go into the light.
Tears well in my eyes as my fingers lightly trace over the letters of her name, forever engraved in this plaque alongside the hundreds of others who perished that fateful day. It seems so little. It’s not enough. Never enough. She deserves so much more than her name on a fucking sheet of metal; where’s the statue they should erect in her honor? Do any of these people know that my fiancée paid the ultimate price for their lives? For their loved ones lives? If I were to tell them she laid down her life, the life of our child for complete strangers, would any of them care? Somehow, I don’t suspect that they would. They’re safe, nothing more than tourists. Chances are, they probably have no idea of the hell any of us went through that day.
Dropping to the ground beside the wall, I pull out her photo in its frame from my leather jacket pocket and set on the concrete next to me. “Here we are, Liz,” I murmur, looking at all the people as they pass us by. “Back where it all began. I’m sorry I didn’t come back before now. I guess a part of me just wasn’t ready, you know? It’s like, if I came back, this would be real, and you would really be gone. I wasn’t ready for that truth, I wasn’t ready to give you up and say goodbye. I know it’s probably too late to tell you this, but I did this for you, you know. I never wanted to leave that day. Why did you make me leave?” Tears of anger build up inside me and I lash out at her photo. “This isn’t my fucking fault, this is your fault. You’re the one who made me walk out of the tower. You’re the one who insisted I leave you and save everyone else. Was our life that terrible together that you would r
ather die than be with me?”
Tears fall from my eyes and I dash them angrily away, glaring at curious onlookers. “Got nothing better to do?” I yell, laughing maniacally as they scurry away like cockroaches when you turn on the light. This whole thing would be funny, if it weren’t so fucking tragic. These people are about to witness a public execution, and they don’t even know it yet. If nothing else, my death will make a sensational YouTube video. I can just see the title now: Man fails to save family, kills himself in remorse. There’d be multi-million dollar movie deals for miles. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I mock quietly to no one in particular. My death on the big screen; how ironic for a man who just wanted to disappear quietly, to be forgotten. What would happen if Stone and Shannon saw it? Christ, what would happen if Natalie saw it? A video like that would destroy her. I know I should still be angry with her for keeping her baby a secret from me, but now that I’m literally sitting at death’s door, I can’t stay mad. In a strange, sick, twisted sort of way, I understand. I understand why she felt like she had to keep her pregnancy a secret from me, a secret from her sister. I may not agree with her decisions, but I get it. And who knows? If the roles were reversed, I probably would have done the same thing.
A rumble above me catches my attention, and I glance up in surprise as the first raindrop hits my cheek. I touch a hand to my skin, wiping away the moisture and looking at it closely. What a strange thing, to have water falling from the sky. I chuckle as I see a young woman screech in horror and hold a newspaper above her head as the rain begins to bucket down, seeing people scramble for cover. Millions of people and animals all across the world die every day from famine and drought, and these people are afraid to get wet. Turning my face to the sky, I allow the rain to wash over me and reach deep down into my darkened soul. For a moment I can almost believe that it works, but then, like always, the darkness comes rushing back, pushing me further down than I’ve ever been before. It sucks my soul free from any light, any happiness. Despair settles heavily on my shoulders and I start to shake. My hand reaches into my jacket and fingers the butt of the gun tucked safely inside. I grip it tightly, ready to end this…
Flawed (Blaze of Glory #2) Page 13