by M Dauphin
He clears his throat and clenches his jaw as another tear streams down his face. His features that are normally clean, shaven, and tight look nothing less than ragged right now. He’s been through so much, and I haven’t thought one bit about his feelings today. I didn’t just lose a boyfriend, he lost a best friend.
A brother.
“Shit, Braydon.” I hug him tighter, and even though it makes everything in my body hurt I can’t let go. I feel so fucking selfish… he’s hurting just as bad as I am.
“He made me promise to look after you, Al. You… you were on his mind. In the last moments, you were the only thing he was thinking about. Just you.” He sniffles and I feel a tear hit my cheek.
“Oh my God,” I whisper through the tears. The endless stream of sorrow spilling from my eyelids is starting to feel typical. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop crying.
“He loved you, Al. He’s loved you for so long, even if he just told you a few months ago. I remember the night we met… and the way he looked at you. He’s loved you since day one, Al. He never stopped loving you, until the second he left us… He never stopped. I’m so sorry, Alexis.”
Braydon’s words break the dam again so I let the sobs escape me. I lost my Lane. My love. Right when I thought things were looking up, everything is destroyed by some careless driver.
“I’m so sorry, Braydon.” I whimper into his chest, hating that he’s hurting. Hating that I’m hurting. Hating everything.
“For what?” His hand comes to my head and pets my hair again, finally starting to calm me. This is how we would sit when I just couldn’t take being in Lane’s apartment anymore. During the day, when Lane would sleep the sickness away, I would sneak upstairs to let him rest. I’d cry my tears to someone that completely understood and never judged.
“I’m sorry I tried pushing you away. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry you had to watch… that…. I’m sorry you lost your best friend. I should have made him slow down. I should have made him drive slower and safer. I should have been able to stop him,” I cry.
“No… no Alexis. Don’t you dare put this on you. It was a fucking accident.” He lifts my head gently with his finger on my chin and his pained eyes find mine. Red rimmed, shiny still from the tears, he silently watches me for a reaction.
I know it was an accident, but accidents don’t happen unless people are being careless. I was being careless. It’s my fault he’s dead. Maybe not all my fault, but some of the blame has to lie on my shoulders. He’s watching me, his lips so close and wet from the tears streaming down his face. Even days unshaven, not primped, Braydon is sexy as hell.
Then I realize where my mind is going, I look away. Ashamed.
I want to vomit. I want to scream. I want to kiss the sadness away from him.
And that makes me cry even harder.
What’s wrong with me?! Braydon’s my best friend. He’s my dead boyfriend’s best friend… practically brother! Who the hell has a thought like that in the middle of all this shit that’s happening?!
“He was at peace, Al. It was an accident; so don’t you dare blame yourself.” His hand cups my cheek, I turn into it, closing my eyes and letting the tears free fall.
I curl into Braydon, letting every emotion roll through me as I fall asleep on his chest.
Braydon
I never thought my heart could break again like it did the night of the accident.
I was wrong.
That was the longest, hardest conversation I’ve ever had to have. With anyone. And I lost my mom when I was nine years old. Maybe it’s because kids are able to compartmentalize things easier than adults. Maybe it’s because I knew my mom was going to die eventually and all signs pointed to it being her time when she went. That’s not what happened with Lane. Lane was getting better. He had a fighting chance to have a normal life. He was going to propose to Alexis, I could feel it. He was going to up his modeling game. He was going to connect with his family and make up for lost time. Whatever the case, I feel like I was able to come back from my mom’s death a lot easier than it’s going to be coming back from this.
Now everything is just… gone.
All I’m left with is a very fragile, beautifully sad woman that can’t stop crying for more than a minute at a time before something brings the stream back. I’m not saying I’m any fucking better at this point, either. I’m also not saying I really care about it. We’re both heart broken and need to mourn. I’ve cried in front of so many people lately that if I cared enough I’d be worried that my reputation as LA’s hometown band bad boy would be tarnished, but I don’t. I can’t. I watched my best friend die. I watched the only woman on this earth that I love with my whole heart almost die. I watched as they had to literally cut her from the car, ripping her world to shreds.
It’s going to be a while before I care again. Hopefully I can pull my shit together before the band meets again, but they aren’t pushing anything. They’ve been a huge support system these last few days, and the other managers at the bar have stepped up to cover for me in my absence. I just can’t seem to wrap myself around the fact that he’s not coming back. That I’m not going to hear his TV on from my apartment anymore. I’m never going to get used to it.
Never.
It’s been about a half hour since she fell asleep on me, I wouldn’t even try to move if the nurses came in now and asked me. I’ve watched her sleep with assistance for the past three days. I’ve watched them have to calm her down just to get her to rest. I’ve seen her unrest even in the middle of a deep sleep. I know she’s struggling a lot more than I’m seeing. She fell asleep on me with no help. She’s finally comfortable, and she needs rest.
So I’m not going anywhere.
To make the time go, I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes, drifting to sleep in no time.
***
“You see her?” Lane asks, nudging my arm. “That girl. See her?”
He’s eyeing a brunette across the crowded college cafeteria. She’s just like any other girl here. Nothing outstanding about her. Good body, good style, laughing with her friends like any other college girl... nothing I haven’t already had. Not from far, at least.
“Yea,” I mumble, shoving fries into my mouth, worried about the meeting tonight. I finally took the step when I moved here and put an add out to start a band. I know it’s what I want to do. I don’t really need the business degree. My family wants me to have it, and I guess it’s a good thing to fall back on if the music gig ever fails, even though I don’t plan on it failing.
“You know who that is?” He takes a drink of his soda, his eyes not leaving her direction.
“Nope.” Shoving more fries into my mouth, I take a drink and wash it down, finally really looking at the girl that has my best friend’s attention. Her hair’s long, flowing down her back. Her curves are pretty typical of any athletic girl. She looks familiar. I think I have class with her. I do! She’s in my business 101 class!
“Dude,” I say, kicking his foot, suddenly remembering how she looks familiar. “That’s Allen Rosenblum’s girlfriend, Alexis!” Allen is the school’s biggest jock, football supreme, and could have any girl he chose.
A year ago, at freshman orientation, he chose Alexis. I still remember the thrones of boys depressed for the next few weeks. What I didn’t realize, until now, was just how beautiful she really is.
“I’ve never talked to her, man she’s in one of my lecture classes so we’ve seen each other in passing, but I definitely know not to mess with his girl.”
Lane’s a pretty boy he’s majoring in education, but I know he’s never planning on using it. He moved out here to chase his dream, but he’s also in the middle of making a safety net for himself. He’s had a few modeling contracts for super small companies, but has yet to hit it big.
One day he will. Then he’ll get all the pussy he wants.
“Yea,” he sighs. “I guess you’re right.” He stands and throws his trash away, coming
back to the table to pick up his bag. “Let’s get out of here.”
***
“Braydon,” her whimper wakes me up, I have to stop myself from jolting up, remembering last minute that she’s on me. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt her.
“You ok, Al?” I whisper, bring my hand instinctively to her hair, smoothing it down. I don’t care that it hasn’t been washed in days. I just need her to stay calm. Things aren’t going to get any easier in the days and weeks to come. She needs to stay strong and calm. I’m not used to her being fragile, I hate that my heart breaks a little more every time I see her strength slip and the real devastation of the wreck takes over her.
She doesn’t respond and soon her breathing levels out again, leaving me wide awake in a dark as hell room. I can’t reach my phone, the only thing to keep my mind active, and not flash back to that night, is the TV tuner on the side rail on the bed. Hitting the power button, I find the local celebrity news channel and leave it on, blankly staring at it.
I used to like watching these channels to keep up with artist trends and musicians on the rise. At one point my band was shown as an up and coming artist on this program, but that feels like years ago. That was right before the cancer. Things haven’t been too great since then, but we’re still holding strong… just not moving forward.
“The car of Lane Sheridan, local model well known for his work with Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger, was towed from the garage it was being held for further investigation to a junk yard nearby this morning. Sheridan was killed in the crash caused by 35 year old Thomas Route Tuesday night.”
Jesus Christ. There’s nothing left of his car. I… I shouldn’t be watching this. It’s like a train wreck, though. I can’t fucking look away. It was dark that night. So fucking dark. I haven’t seen the damage yet… And seeing it first thing when I turn on the TV makes me want to hurl.
“Sheridan’s girlfriend, Alexis Grant was a passenger in the car and is still in critical condition at Allmands hospital in LA. A private visitation is being planned for family and friends and public arrangements are in the works. We’ll be updating our website as soon….”
I can’t listen to her anymore. I shouldn’t have listened to that. I shouldn’t have seen that. Especially with Alexis in the room with me. What if she…
“Who’s making those plans?” Her voice is weak, but it sounds more like the professional tough Al we know and love.
But that means she just saw all of that.
Fuck.
“I’m not sure. I’m sorry… I didn’t think you were awake…” I feel like such a fucking dick.
“It’s fine. You can’t shelter me from it, Bray.” She struggles to sit up, so I gently take her elbow and help straighten her as she sighs heavily. “I’m fucking useless.” She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. She always does that when she’s getting upset or angry.
“You’re not, though. You’re so fucking strong, Alexis.” She huffs and looks away, I let her, but I don’t stop talking. I can’t let her feel like any of this is her fault, or that she’s useless. I can’t. Because she’s not. “Al you’re going to come out of this stronger than you thought you were going in. You’re going to rock the rest of your life, whatever it is you chose to do, and you’re always going to have that memory of the best friend that loved you so much it hurt.”
“Yea,” she huffs, tears streaming down her face. “I’ll constantly have that reminder, Bray. Have you seen me?!” She yanks the blanket aside, reminding me of what I had to watch them do to her to save her life. “I’m fucking broken for the rest of my life, Braydon. You’re able to walk away from this on your own two feet. I’m not even able to walk.”
“You can learn, Al,” I whisper, feeling my soul shatter from seeing her leg like it is. She’s been covered with a blanket since she got here. I haven’t seen it… like that. Wrapped in bandages. It’s just… gone. “Jesus.” I huff, putting my hands over my face. “Fuck, Al I’m so fucking sorry.” Lifting my head, I find her eyes staring at me blankly.
No emotion.
“I’m broken, Braydon. I’m never going to be that same girl. I’m sad, I’m depressed, I’m angry, and I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken to me, Al. Just because I’ll have to push your ass around in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you’re any less awesome.”
“Not funny, Bray,” she sniffles and starts absentmindedly picking at the blanket corner.
“Too soon to joke?” I try to grin, to lighten the mood, and I get a slip of a smile out of her. That’s what I’m looking for. A small sliver of hope that she’s going to get past this.
I need her to. She’s my rock, she just doesn’t know it. She’s the only constant I have anymore. I can’t let her crumble.
We sit in silence for a little while longer, her fingers never stop playing at the small rip in the blanket. She’s deep in thought when the nurse comes in to check her vitals.
“How are we doing today, Alexis?” Wheeling her cart over to the bed, I slip off and sit back in the chair when I get a look from the nurse like I’m committing a crime. I want to say something to her about how I needed to comfort my friend, but she looks like a ‘no nonsense’ nurse. It’s best just to sit back, hold on to Al’s hand while the nurse starts to poke, prod, swipe, and write. Jesus I’ll be glad when she’s home with me so I can be the one helping her.
“I’m okay.” Alexis tries to smile, but it falls flat. I know she’s strong, and this right here is just one shining example. The nurse has to check the wrapping on her leg, when she does Alexis doesn’t start crying. She doesn’t close her eyes. She turns her head to me and locks eyes with me, my hand on hers the entire time the nurse changes gauze and reapplies bandages.
I have an urge to tell her I love her; to make her a little less sad. Not that I’m in love with her, but she’s so fucking close to me I do love her in a way. Not a sisterly love, but a best friend love. A love that’s stronger than sister love, but not quite as involved as girlfriend love.
That makes sense, right?
As she checks the rest of Al’s vitals, the nurse asks the same questions she probably asks every other patient when she enters a room. Alexis answers all of them with ease and no outbursts. She hasn’t cried a tear since the nurse entered. It’s not until she mentions something about getting up and moving around do I see the mask slip and fear shine through.
“What?” Al’s whisper breaks my heart, because I know this is going to be a bigger battle than the nurse expected.
“You need to move around, sweetheart. You’ve been laying in this bed for a couple days. Now that you’re awake, once we get food in you, we’ll get you some crutches and you can start moving about the room.”
“I can’t… I can’t there no… I don’t know-”
“It’s ok. Let’s just start with food. You need your strength, first.” She smiles as nicely as nurse Bertha, as I’ve nicknamed her, can.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Al,” I warn. “It’s been days since you’ve eaten.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You need to eat, Al.” I need her to be strong. I need her to get out of this hospital.
“I’m not hungry,” she says again, this time more forceful. She’s as stubborn as a mule when she wants to be. When she wants to get her way.
I’m fairly certain this is a lost cause.
Alexis
He keeps saying I need to eat, but I can’t find any type of hunger in me. Nothing even remotely sounds good. I also don’t want to get up and walk, the nurse said once I eat I’ll have to get up and walk, so my mind has been made. I don’t eat, I don’t have to walk.
Simple as that.
“You’re being stubborn, Alexis.” Braydon practically growls which makes a very slight grin play on my lips. There’s something coming back. A feistiness that I thought I had lost. The longer I’m awake the more I feel parts of who I was before the accident returning. I always loved messing with t
he boys. The only thing that’s different now is I only have one to drive nuts.
“I’m not certain what you’re talking about.” I say, grinning and looking back at the nurse. “I’m just not hungry.”
She’s tight lipped, looking at me like I’ve lost my damn mind. When she speaks it’s with authority and a positivity that she’s going to get her way.
“Ok. I’m going to do my rounds, you can think about just how hungry you aren’t. Then when I’m done I’ll be back. If you haven’t found your hunger by then I’ll have to put in for a feeding tube.”
I gasp and she raises her eyebrows at me.
“It’s been three days. Your body needs nutrition. Your choice. I’ll be back.” She grabs her cart and wheels it out the door, giving Braydon a look as she leaves that tells me they are about to gang up on me. Once the door shuts he sighs and runs his hands over his head.
“I can’t eat, Bray,” I start, but he stops me.
“You’re going to, Alexis. You have to. I’m not watching them put a feeding tube in you because you’re too fucking stubborn. You’re going to eat, even if it’s just a few bites, and you’re going to get out of that bed and start your life. You can’t stay in the bed, and I need to get you out of here.” He sighs and curses, standing up.
“You have to get me out of here?” Is he for real? I’m not his! I don’t need someone taking care of me like I’m a child.
“Yes. I need to be able to take care of you and it’s fucking ridiculous how often these nurses come in, wake you up, make you uncomfortable… I just need to know you’re safe, happy, and healthy. Being here I know you’re not comfortable. Being back at ho-” he stops himself, eyes widening. “Shit, I mean being out of here…” he pauses, cussing again under his breath.
Home.
I don’t have a home.
I mean… I have Lane’s place, but I gave mine up a few months back, and there’s no way I’m living in my dead boyfriend’s apartment. I can’t do that. That’s just not… right.
Oh shit.
“Shit,” I whisper, realizing I have nowhere to go. “I can’t go back there.” I try to stop the tears that threaten again, but I can’t. I fucking can’t stop! “What the fuck is wrong with me?! What did I do to deserve this!?”