Chapter Five
Ace
As much as I could fall asleep every night, it didn’t bring me any peace. Whatever took place during the day came flooding back when I closed my eyes, whatever he’d done, somehow starting to creep back up on me when it was still and silent. And then there was the night I’d completely blocked out, the night he brought his friends over. I had no idea what else took place after they’d watched me drain another Sensitive, and, the logical part of me which seemed to drive most of my higher reasoning these days, told me I was grateful for it.
Running my hands over my hair, I sighed and turned on my side.
Two weeks had passed since Daniel brought me new letters from Illarion, two weeks since I killed another one of this idiot’s victims and two weeks since I stopped crying when he came to me in the night. I sat on the edge of the proverbial fence, weighing up whether I should just try to make a run for it, or whether I listened to Daniel.
He’d done the math, there was nothing miraculous he could do to speed up the process. Simply put, I was too reliant on the drug and I was still too dependent on daily doses to be able to safely go without.
That and the fact that whatever we tried would alert his father. Whatever we planned needed to be done in a way in which we were both assured semi decent odds of survival. The most he could do was round it up to an even one percent. I wasn’t about to complain since it was still an improvement to my current, shitty situation.
It was day twenty. We’d be hitting eighty-four percent and the last few weeks had been hard to say the least.
Master Jackass had me suck information out of more than fifteen former and current employees of the Agency and, eventually, when he was sick of doing that he’d take me back to my room and lock me up and come back for me when he was bored.
I knew what happened every night he came to my bed. I wasn’t an idiot. Marks on my body told me infinitely more than my hazy, clouded mind did.
But the survival mechanism inside me did wonders, it blocked everything out. Every painful moment, every terrifying touch, every agonising hour. I couldn’t remember any of it.
But the hours when I was lucid, were the moments I feared the most. I remembered those moments and they’re the ones that would stay with me forever.
Those were the days I’d look outside the window and push myself inside the broken and shattered shell that had become my body, as he breathed heavily into my ear while his hands roamed across my skin. Those were the days I squeezed my eyes shut while I waited on my knees, in the dark, for the heart stopping sound of the lock turning.
Those were the days I’d pretend that the trickle of light which found its way through the window offered me a solace that I knew was unfounded, there was no way out. There would be no way out.
I kicked off the covers and sat on the edge of my bed, ignoring the newly formed bruises on my wrists. Time had become of little importance to me. I rarely knew whether it was night or day as he increased the amount of people he had me drain, effectively draining me to the point of passing out.
There wasn’t much to look forward to, meals had become an impossibility. I’d eat at six, go back to my room and throw it all up. My own body was betraying me in a sick twist of irony.
Burying my head in my hands I took a deep breath and sat there, just breathing, just letting it all sink in. I was still here. I was still alive.
All of this, everything that was happening to me wouldn’t kill me. I wouldn’t let it kill me.
I could do this.
The itching was getting worse, and I looked like hell. I ran my hands up and down my arms, I’d lost so much weight I barely recognized my own body.
Kneeling beside the bed, I reached for the letters, hopeful that at least they would chase away the ever-present pain on the forefront of my mind.
Twenty-Ninth of February
I keep dreaming about you. But these dreams are different now. They terrify me, Ace.
Every night I see your face, you’re always in pain, you’re suffering. You cry but no one comes to you. You call for me, but I’m not there.
The suffering is too much, Ace, it kills me. It’s killing me every night.
I’ve been spending time with a woman. She’s been around a lot since you left. I don’t know what I’m doing, Ace. I feel like I’m making a mess of everything.
She works at the Agency, she’s so kind, she’s a good friend, God knows I need one right now. She listens, and I talk. Always about you. That’s all I can do, that’s all I have. I have to keep talking, thinking about you.
Illarion
What the hell?
It couldn’t be. And who was the girl? Jealousy began to form in my stomach. A heavy knot, weighing down inside me. I should have been happy, that he was talking, speaking to someone. But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help the pain that to settle and burn inside.
Tears pricked my eyes and my breath stopped short. My hand instinctively went to my heart—did he care about her? Did he hold her the way he held me? I was alive, I was right here. Going through a hell I wasn’t sure I’d survive. Stopping my faltering breath, I tried to breathe in deeply and blink through the haze.
Taking a moment to contain the panic, I swallowed the dryness in my throat, and read over the letter again and each time I read it, the words cut me a little more. I shook my head. And the dreams? How could it be?
I couldn’t use any of my abilities in this house, Dalca must have had some serious shields up. But I’d broken through, somehow, right? Through the dreams. It’s why I felt our connection spark to life when I saw his face through that agent’s eyes. It’s also why Dalca freaked, he saw it and panicked.
And then there were the dreams he’d mentioned about the cabin; I’d been dreaming them and he’d been seeing them through me. The pain I was going through here was in my head but… could I be reaching for him somehow? It would make sense. We were connected on a deeper level, a level that transcended the normal emotion of love. He was a part of me. His soul was a part of mine. But had he moved past that?
Quickly I folded the letter and reached for the next one.
Fourteenth of March
The pain is worse now, Ace. I can’t sleep anymore. I haven’t slept properly in days. I feel your pain whenever I close my eyes.
Even Anna can’t help now, she tries. She wants to help me grieve. I can’t, I feel like you’re not really gone.
Where are you, Ace? Are you suffering somewhere?
Please find a way to tell me.
It took me all this time to tell you about Troy…I went to see him, maybe the look on his face is what shattered me.
He thought you would be saved, we all did. I went back again, he doesn’t want to talk to me, I don’t blame him. I failed you.
Illarion.
My eyes filled with hot tears and I choked back a sob. He was feeling me. Everything I was going through somehow made it to him and some woman named Anna was trying to get through to him, to comfort him and be there because I couldn’t. It should’ve been me there. It should’ve been me holding him. Not Anna.
A shattered sob broke free. I could do this, I had to. I was fighting the Serum. If only there was a way, I could tell him if only I could speak to him.
A quick flurry of footsteps drew my attention. They weren’t king jerk off’s footsteps; I knew the difference so my body relaxed when Daniel stepped inside.
‘I have the information for you.’
My eyes shot up.
‘Vanessa already came through?’
Nodding, he handed me a folder.
‘She said she can’t wait to see you when you get out.’
I smiled, I really missed that girl. She had become the sister I never had and the sister everyone would have loved to have. But a small frown on Daniel’s face made my heart stutter.
‘What is it?’
‘She said there was heavy surveillance on Illarion’s house.’
‘He wasn’t bluffi
ng.’
‘What?’ Daniel asked.
Shaking my head, I grit my teeth.
‘No one followed you?’
‘I checked, I did all the things you told me.’
‘Tell me again.’
‘I didn’t use indicators; I took extra turns, stopped at the store and waited an hour.’
Relaxing, I took the folder to the writing desk and sat down, Daniel stood beside me.
‘What are you looking for in there?’ he asked, leaning against the desk.
‘Honestly? I’m not sure.’ I said, quietly, flicking through the mass of paper.
‘But you’ll know when you see it?’
‘I hope so.’
‘Anything in particular?’
Casting my eyes over the papers, I drew my fingers over the sheets.
‘There was a prophecy, something about the Divine Sensitive and the Celestial Beings—I think it may have something to do with what Dalca’s planning, something to do with both Divines.’
‘You don’t think it has anything to do with the Agency, do you?’
‘No.’ I said firmly. ‘I think whatever he’s trying to do with the Agency is a means to an end. He’s planning something much bigger than that.’
‘You really think you’ll find that in there?’
‘I don’t doubt it, but the information will be hidden, maybe encrypted.’
Daniel nodded looking over my shoulder.
‘The papers look a century old.’
‘They are.’ I turned another page and let out a long breath when I didn’t recognize anything.
‘And they could encrypt stuff back then?’
‘Yeah, with codes and things like that.’
‘That’s crazy.’
‘Well it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve seen.’ I raised my eyebrow at Daniel earning an amused smirk.
When I closed the folder, and tucked it under the magazines, I pressed both palms on the desk and inhaled sharply.
‘Ace….’
The tension was rolling off him, you’d think he was about to take the Bar Exam or something.
‘I’m alright,’ I said, not letting him go any further. I sat down and looked up at him.
‘You’re not alright.’
Leaning back in the chair I chewed the side of my lip and scrubbed my face.
‘You’re right. I’m not.’
‘I try to stop him.’
I nodded. ‘I know that.’
My foot tapped restlessly on the rug beneath me. I tried my best to ignore him, he was suffocating me, all this emotion was going to kill me.
‘The addiction is taking hold,’ he said, pressing a hand to mine, stopping me from scratching myself.
‘It’s been a long time.’
‘Lowering the dose only helps take the veil off, the addiction will still stand.’
‘Can I ask you something?’ I asked, abruptly changing the direction of the conversation.
‘Sure.’
‘Do you know much about the Serum?’
He shook his head, ‘I’ve only heard rumors, no idea if any of it’s true.’
‘Do you know where it came from?’
‘Apparently some crazed ex-marine or something created it.’
My breath caught, and I reminded myself once again that I didn’t believe in coincidence. Isn’t that what Dalca said? When he first dosed me.
‘Why are you asking?’
‘Luke Grimes.’
‘What?’ His eyes narrowed.
‘That’s the soldier’s name. The one you’re talking about.’
‘You’re serious?’
Nodding, I folded my arms across my chest, stopping myself from scratching my arms. ‘I’ve been drugged with it before.’
‘What?’ His eyes shot up to mine. ‘Who drugged you?’
‘It’s a long story, but to cut it short my last operation in Iraq as a sergeant was to infiltrate an insurgent camp and look for survivors of the previous attack. Our convoy was ambushed, and I was taken along with my unit. We were there for three months, tortured, beaten, questioned, you name it. Luke Grimes was the one who tortured me. He created it.’
‘Oh man.’
‘It was a different version, I think he’d just begun working on it but the effects were the same.’
‘What is it?’
‘He told me it was sodium pentothal and rohypnol.’
‘What the hell is that?’
‘Well you’d know it as truth serum and date rape drugs. But Dalca’s version is refined, it contains heroin.’
A pregnant pause settled between us. He looked away momentarily before he focused his attention on me again.
‘And you came off it?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Just like now.’ He bowed his head. ‘Ace I’m sorry.’
‘You need to get me something else.’
‘What?’
‘Anything, just, I need something else to compliment the Serum, get me something to make it stay in my system.’
‘You want me to get you something to keep the Serum in your system?’
‘I need you to trust me.’ I managed through shaky breaths. ‘My body doesn’t hold onto drugs, not for long anyway.’
He shook his head and crouched down beside me. ‘Ace, another drug won’t make things better.’
‘It will.’ I chewed on my lip, clenching my fists until I drew blood. ‘I could handle what that soldier did to me, I could live through that but this…’
‘Ace-’
‘You don’t understand. I am lucid when he comes to me. I know everything he’s doing to me. I can’t… I can’t do that anymore.’
There were things I was afraid of and then there were the things I knew would kill me if I stopped fighting. I found his eyes and a second later, I lost it. Tears began rushing out of me and I was afraid I’d never be able to stop them.
‘Did you know that he brought friends one night? I have no idea what they did to me, I can’t remember anything, but I can only imagine the twisted shit that went on.’
Every word was getting stuck in my throat and every word sliced me with a fresh pain. Just because I couldn’t recall any of it, it didn’t mean it didn’t scare me.
‘I know.’ He ground out. ‘I know because after he left you there, I carried you back to your room. I was there to pick you up. I know what he does, but Ace, I cannot do this! I cannot do what you’re asking!’
When my resolve died, and I broke into breathless sobs, he moved to take my hand but I pulled away. I pushed out of the chair and rushed back, tripping over my own feet.
‘Don’t touch me!’
‘Ace, I’m sorry. It’s okay, I’m sorry.’ He stood back holding his arms out. ‘I won’t touch you, it’s okay, easy.’
The air was punched out of my lungs and I dropped to my knees.
‘Get me something to make me forget, I don’t care what it is.’
He didn’t protest. He didn’t try to talk me out of it. He simply nodded.
‘I’ll have something for you tomorrow.’
Nodding, I dropped my head into my hands, hoping that he would just leave. A few minutes later, he did.
That’s when I eased myself onto the floor, in the middle of the room, and cried. I let everything out, all the pain and suffering, all the agony, all the torture I was putting myself through, all the thoughts of Illarion and how much I missed him.
***
The next day when Daniel came there was no banter, no jokes, no McDonald’s, there was nothing that made me look forward to seeing him.
He pushed past me after he locked the door and sat on the edge of my bed and he held out a small parcel.
‘Heroin, it’ll match the effects of the Serum but it’ll block your memory receptors. Same composition. You won’t remember anything. At least until your body starts to flush it out.’
I swallowed hard, walked over to him, and sat down. Heroin. That was a new, all-time low, even for me.
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He didn’t look up to meet my eyes, instead he only shook his head slightly as he prepped the syringe.
‘How did you get it?’ My voice was barely a whisper.
‘Perks of being his son, I get to know some pretty fucked up people.’ He responded without looking at me.
Sadness overwhelmed me. He was hurting, he was afraid, and I was making him do this. But as much as I loathed what I was asking of him, this was the only thing that would keep me alive. The only thing that would help me survive this.
He gently pulled my arm into his lap, he fixed the rubber tourniquet around my elbow and a few agonising seconds later he’d pressed the needle into my skin.
I leaned back on the bed, gently letting my body fall into the softness beneath me.
‘Thank you.’ I managed to whisper, letting my hand fall free.
He shook his head. ‘Don’t thank me for this, Ace. don’t ever thank me for this.’
I reached up and squeezed his hand. ‘Thank you for helping me forget.’
A muscle in his jaw worked, he hated this as much as I did. But there was nothing else. We both knew it.
‘We’re down to sixty-eight percent tonight.’
I nodded against the pillow.
‘Before you go, please give me the letters.’
Quietly, he handed them to me and left.
I was alone with Illarion. I smiled.
Eleventh of April
I cannot handle the dreams anymore, Ace. They’re so real. You’re clearer in my head now. I see you, all of you.
You don’t look like you did when I saw you last. Something about you is so haunted. Your expression… it kills me.
What’s happening to you?
I feel the hold of something over you. Like a vice around your heart. You’re trying to break free but it’s too strong. You’re suffering, and I can’t do anything to help you.
Who is he? The man I keep seeing? His face is always veiled by something, but he hurts you. I can see that. I can see the blank expression on your face when he touches you but I can see the pain in your eyes.
King of Hart Page 6