‘Deep breaths,’ he whispered, running his hands up and down my arm.
Trying my best to nod, I managed to jerk my head. My palms were pressed into the carpet like that would somehow ground me. If I could laugh, I probably would have. This was beyond a joke.
‘Is it always this bad?’ He moved closer to me.
‘Yes.’
He was doing a good job keeping his emotions at bay, but the long breath he expelled let him down. ‘I’ll get you some water.’
‘Thank you,’ I murmured, keeping my head safely inside the bucket.
A few moments later, he was back at my side and Daniel stood at the door with his arms crossed. He wanted to help but right now, he understood that Illarion was meant to be here. Illarion helped me to my feet and into the bathroom, bringing along the bucket.
He handed me a bottle of water and watched as I drank.
‘Do you want to try to have a shower?’
Cringing, I looked down at the clothes I was in. I was pretty sure there were chunks of toast from two days ago stuck to the fibres.
‘God,’ I hung my shoulders. ‘I’m disgusting.’
‘You’re not,’ he said, pressing both hands to either of my cheeks. ‘You’re perfect, like always. Maybe in need of a shower, but still perfect.’
Mortified, I stepped back. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘It was a joke, Ace,’ he whispered and then, I think the real heaviness hit him. I didn’t laugh, or even crack a smile.
Had this been six months ago… well things would have been different. Now, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.
Humiliation turned my cheeks red and all I could do without breaking down was step back and wrap my arms around my chest.
‘I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.’
‘I should shower,’ I insisted, pulling back when he tried to reach for me again. ‘It’s pretty bad, you’re right. There’s toast and soup, maybe even blood and I’m kind of smelly.’
‘Hey.’ He cut me off and pressed a gentle hand to my cheek. ‘You do not smell. And your clothes are fine.’
‘I do.’
He let out a long breath and his hand went to the back of his neck. As I stood in front of him, tears stinging my eyes, I found myself wondering about how we could ever just be normal again.
‘Do you want me to help?’
‘No,’ I said, shaking my head.
‘We’ll both stay in our underwear, I just, I want to help you.’
Considering his offer, I wordlessly nodded. He turned from me, giving me privacy to undress though it wasn’t necessary. He’d seen me naked before, but not like this and, as I heard his clothes come off, my heart thundered.
He cautiously turned to look at me and when I gave him the go ahead, he moved toward the shower. His eyes focused on mine but he never let his gaze wander and I was grateful.
When the water warmed up, he took my wrist and drew me to him.
He stepped into the warm stream first and then let me come inside. The shower was much larger than a standard one but not quite as big as his. It would serve the purpose.
Gently, he turned me around and guided us both down to the tiles.
Illarion sat pulling me against him. Carefully, he wrapped his arm around my waist and as each muscle unlocked from the tension, I relaxed.
The water cascaded over us and with each minute that passed, more and more pain was lifting. Illarion sat with his arms firmly holding onto me while he whispered soothing words into my ear.
When my body shook with tears, he brought me into his lap letting me curl into him. When those tears passed, he reached for the shampoo and gently washed my hair. As the scent filled the bathroom, I took a deep breath and let him wrap his arms around me. My hair fell over my shoulders in a heavy mass and he carefully smoothed it down my back.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered, turning in his arms when he helped me to my feet.
He brushed my hair behind my ears and smiled. A warmth spread inside my heart where it had been so cold for so long. His warm brown eyes closed for a moment and I reached up and grazed his cheek, smoothing his hair behind his ears.
‘We should dry off,’ he said, quietly and reached behind me to turn the water off.
When we were changed in fresh clothes, he led me back to the bedroom and I kept my eyes averted as Daniel looked over at us. I didn’t know what Illarion was feeling from Daniel, but I could feel his emotions flaring all over the place.
‘Do you want to lie down?’ Illarion asked, breaking the silence.
‘I don’t think I can sleep.’
‘Is it the dreams?’
I didn’t say a word, but I didn’t have to.
‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘I’m fine. Just give me a minute.’
He stood his ground, not moving an inch.
You can do this Ace. Just keep breathing. Keep fighting. I pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes and took several deep breaths.
Illarion shifted behind me, he was an emotional wreck. I could feel him a little more now. His emotions ran through him rapidly changing from concern to sympathy to rage.
‘I don’t know how I’m meant to get through this,’ I said, finally acknowledging how traumatized I actually was.
But the worst part was that I couldn’t even distinguish between the emotional pain and the physical. Everything was just hard.
‘I’m going to help you.’
He stepped closer, holding his hands out.
Slowly, I took them. God knew I didn’t want to do this to him but I couldn’t survive it on my own.
Together, we sat and a warm, calming feeling began to spread through me and the pain that was constantly present was starting to fade just a little. I winced when I saw the flare of pain in his eyes. A few minutes later, he dropped my hands and swayed on the bed.
A transfer of feelings like that was difficult at the best of times, but when it was taking pain, the way he’d just done, was intolerable. But he didn’t even flinch.
‘I’m so sorry, Ila,’ I murmured. ‘I’m so sorry you have to go through this.’
‘Don’t ever apologize for this.’ He managed, taking a deep breath. ‘I’d always do this for you, you never have to ask.’
There was agony in his eyes but he didn’t move any closer and he didn’t touch me.
Instead, I felt the hum inside me burn, the yearning to be near him to touch him, it was too much.
‘Try to get some sleep.’
He drew the covers over me and moved toward the small armchair by the window. When he sat, he blocked himself off from me.
There were two types of hell. The kind that waited for those who’d committed sin and then there was the hell you made for yourself. I curled up and buried my face in the pillow, letting silent tears fall, wetting the fabric beneath me. This was my hell, eternally emotional, forever dragged back to the nightmares.
Finally, like a light was switched on, I worked out why I was constantly feeling this way—I was broken.
***
Illarion
Darkness filled the room and only the smallest flicker of light, from the streetlamp outside, filtered through the dark blinds. Even in the still blackness I saw her, I heard her. She was crying. So much pain coursed through her, suffocating me.
It took everything inside me not to get up and go to her. I couldn’t. The pain inside me now was at its worst, my head was splitting and the shallow breaths I’d somehow managed to produce were spliced with pain.
If this is how I felt, and I’d only taken a fragment of it from her, I couldn’t fathom how much she was suffering, I gripped the edges of the armrests biting down.
Sobs wracked her body as she curled up and drew the covers higher, over her head.
The agony was torture. I couldn’t do a damned thing to help her. It was like seeing her in my dreams all over again only this was worse. Now I knew that she had been suffering, and she was here now, trying to deal with
it.
At that time, I’d been able to drink myself into a stupor, passing out, so I didn’t have to deal with the guilt. That was no longer a viable option.
I pressed a shaky hand to my face. However long it took.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, she fell asleep and the breath I’d been holding escaped. I took the few moments of silence to check my cell. Aurel had called at least a dozen times as had Michael and Elena. More than thirty emails piled up in my inbox and a few dozen texts. I switched the phone back off and placed it on the shelf closest to me.
Sometime through the night, Ace had kicked the covers off, and her back was exposed in the short tank top she was sleeping in.
When I saw the marks on her body in the shower, I had to stop myself from yelling out in anger. Now, it seemed worse. Her body was black and blue with dozens of bruises dotting her skin, some were welts, some were cuts, and most were from fists. I’d seen too many battered bodies in my lifetime to be ignorant to the sight.
I got up slowly and made my way over to her, a vice gripped my heart as the sound of her ragged, shallow breaths caught my attention. Her lungs sounded damaged.
What the hell did that asshole do to her?
I knelt beside the bed, resting my head on the mattress.
She whimpered in her sleep.
God.
Silence finally fell upon us and, slowly sleep seemed to find me too.
***
Ace
I awoke to the light creeping in through the small cracks where the blinds didn’t quite reach the edges of the windows. A quiet murmur beside me drew my attention.
My heart caught as soon as I saw him.
His dark lashes fanned across his cheeks while the dark strands of hair that escaped from the elastic fell cross his eyes. His fingers gripped the comforter as he murmured in his sleep.
I didn’t think it was possible for him to look more stunning, but right now he did. Last night’s conversation hit me; the cold, hard truth was spoken. I was broken. And I didn’t know whether we could ever work.
He would wait. God, he would wait for the rest of his life if that’s what I asked. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to do that to him. But could I let him in? After everything? My eyes were wet again.
He stirred, slowly, a moment of realization flashed across his eyes and he shot to his feet.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-’
‘It’s fine.’
He shook his head, and before I could say another word, before I could apologize he was gone, he slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.
I got up to follow but stopped myself.
Sitting back down, I pressed my hands to my face. We needed time. We both did.
A tap on the door caught my attention.
‘I have your pills for the day.’ Daniel announced, opening the door slightly. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Yeah.’
He walked over to me and dropped them into my hand.
‘How do you feel?’
‘Like I’ve made a mess of everything.’
‘What are you talking about?’
He sat down beside me.
I swallowed the pills and put the glass down on the floor beside my foot.
‘With you… with Illarion… he wants to be there for me, but I can’t....’
‘You need space. And don’t worry about me.’
Sighing, I got up. ‘How is pushing him away good for me? I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’
‘Nothing is wrong with you. You’ve been through hell, your reaction is normal, Ace.’
‘There’s nothing normal about this.’
‘No, but your reaction is.’
‘I can’t even be near him… God, Daniel, I want things to be how they were.’ I groaned and pressed my hands to my hips.
Dalca had taken everything from me: my confidence, my strength, my smile.
Daniel got to his feet and crossed the room coming to stand in front of me.
‘You have been through so much, you need some time. He gets that.’
‘I love him…,’ I whispered, barely recognising my own voice. ‘I don’t want to push him away.’
He pulled me against him, pressing a gentle hand to my back. ‘He knows that. Don’t push yourself too much, it’s too soon.’
‘What if I push him away? What if he…’ I couldn’t bring myself to finish the thought. I pulled back, turning away from him.
‘He won’t leave…,’ he said, softly. ‘He’d be crazy to.’ He tacked on at the end.
Suddenly, I felt like a real jerk. Daniel wasn’t an idiot, and I wasn’t ignorant.
‘Do you feel like going for a walk?’
‘Yeah, why not?’
He gave me some time to pull together a semi-decent outfit and once I was outside, he led me into the bright summer day. There were dozens of kids and their parents just like there had been yesterday and the little old lady walking on her own spotted us again.
I looked a little more presentable today though, thankfully and instead of the loose, oversized sweater, I actually had my own jacket on. It was still too loose, since I’d lost so much weight, but I still felt better than I did over the last few months.
The nausea hadn’t eased up much but that would take longer and, instead of feeling better that Illarion was here, I felt worse. Guilt gnawed at my insides and shame ate at me.
Dalca had seen to it that I’d never be the same person Illarion had known. The bitter taste of anger coated my insides. He’d taken everything.
‘Yesterday, when you were resting, I found a way down to the beach. I thought you’d like to see it.’
Silently, I followed him down the gravel path running my fingers across the overgrown ferns.
‘When I was a kid, my mom used to take me to the beach. When she died, I stopped going. It was too hard.’
His eyes were firmly locked on the horizon ahead of us.
‘We don’t have to go….’
‘You said once that you loved the beach, that it made you happy.’
‘Daniel-’
‘Let me do this for you.’
He stuffed his hands into his pockets and continued without giving me the option to argue further.
I followed.
We crossed a small, wooden bridge and, just ahead, the beach and the ocean came into view.
My heart caught, the beach did make me happy. It always did. Especially in the night when the sky darkened, and the ocean reflected a million stars and you couldn’t tell where the sea ended and the sky began.
The sun shone brightly above us, warming my skin.
Daniel walked up to the water pulling his sneakers off. He tossed them to the sand and rolled up his jeans.
A smile broke across my face. The beach clearly had a calming effect on him too.
I dropped to the sand and pulled my sneakers off, rolling up the cuff of my jeans. I dug my toes into the sand and looked around.
There was no one in sight. It shouldn’t have surprised me as we were pretty far from any major cities and, from what I’d gathered when we walked down here, most wouldn’t have even known there was a path leading down to the shore. A glance down the beach confirmed that. Not another soul was in sight. I braved the sun and slowly pulled off my jacket.
The welts on my arms had started to heal and, thanks to my healing genes, I didn’t look like a total freak. The welts on my back were a different story, which begged the question why…? Why had some of my wounds healed while others scarred up?
Tracing my finger along the thin line across my cheek, I thought back to Iraq - could it be? Every scar I now had, was when I was under the effects of something. In Iraq it was Grimes’ concoction, here it was Dalca’s Serum… but what was the deal with the cuts I’d sustained at the hands of Damon?
A thought popped into my mind; it was improbable but not impossible. I’d heard of poison tipped arrows and darts, what if the blades and bullets were dipped in Se
rum? It would make sense.
Letting a deep breath settle in my lungs, I shook my head. It didn’t really matter; the damage was done, and it wasn’t just on the surface.
Turning my attention down to the shore, I watched as Daniel walked up and down in the water, stepping over the small waves crashing at his feet. I laughed as he cursed when the water caught his jeans.
A less than amused expression crossed his face when he looked back at me. As quickly as it came, it was gone, replaced by a playful grin.
Before I could react, he was coming right at me, running from across the beach. Instinctively, I jumped up and shrieked, trying to dodge his attempts to drag me to the water. I laughed, trying to catch my breath as he finally caught my wrist.
‘Now you can get your jeans wet.’ He laughed, dragging me to the water.
‘Not cool!’ I laughed, continuing my fruitless attempt to pull free. I finally gave up as I tripped over my own feet and went face first into the water.
Not only did I forget to close my eyes, I didn’t close my mouth quick enough, and I swallowed a mouthful of water. I dug my fingers into the sand and pushed myself up, Daniel reached down for my arms to pull me up, but before he could, I kicked out with my leg, tripping him over.
A laugh was cut short as he went down.
Together we sat, in knee deep water, completely clothed laughing like two idiots.
My wet hair clung to my face, and every other exposed bit of skin while the longer bits in the water, fanned out around me. Ironically, it was the first time in a long time where I felt normal.
‘You’re smiling,’ he said, softly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
‘Thank you, Daniel,’ I said, dropping my gaze.
‘Don’t thank me,’ he said, quietly.
The waves continued to gently roll around us.
‘When can I thank you then?’
He shrugged, looking away from me to the sun on the horizon.
‘When I’ve done something worthy of your gratitude.’
Daniel looked up, and I followed his gaze, my eyes stopping on Illarion. He was standing on the shore, his hands tucked neatly into his pockets and his hair gently moved around his face in the breeze.
Daniel got up, helping me to my feet.
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