Losing Hope: A Novel

by Colleen Hoover

  “You think I’m having a hard time with this because I don’t want you?” I walk to the bed and kneel next to her. “Sky, I’m having a hard time with this because everything that’s happened to you is breaking my fucking heart and I have no idea how to help you.” I climb onto the bed with her and pull her to a sitting position with me. “I want to be there for you and help you through this but every word that comes out of my mouth feels like the wrong one. Every time I touch you or kiss you, I’m afraid you don’t want me to. Now you’re asking me to have sex with you because you want to take that from him, and I get it. I absolutely get where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t make it easier to make love to you when you can’t even look me in the eyes. It hurts so much because you don’t deserve for it to be like this. You don’t deserve this life and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do to make it better for you. I want to make it better but I can’t and I feel so helpless.”

  I take her in my arms and she wraps her legs around me, hanging on to every word I’m saying.

  “And even though I stopped, I should have never even started without telling you first how much I love you. I love you so much. I don’t deserve to touch you until you know for a fact that I’m touching you because I love you and for no other reason.”

  I press my lips to hers desperately, needing her to know that I’m speaking nothing but truth now. Every word I speak and every time I touch her, there’s nothing there but honesty.

  She pulls away and kisses my chin and my forehead and my cheek, then my lips again. “I love you, too,” she says, proving to me that words are yet another characteristic someone can fall in love with. But I’m not falling in love with her piece by piece anymore. I’m in love with the whole girl. Every single piece of her.

  “I don’t know what I’d do right now if I didn’t have you, Holder. I love you so much and I’m so sorry. I wanted you to be my first, and I’m sorry he took that from you.”

  “Don’t you ever say that again,” I tell her. “Don’t you ever think that again. Your father took that first from you in an unthinkable way, but I can guarantee you that’s all he took. Because you are so strong, Sky. You’re amazing and funny and smart and beautiful and so full of strength and courage. What he did to you doesn’t take away from any of the best parts of you. You survived him once and you’ll survive him again. I know you will.”

  I place my palm over her heart, then pull her hand to my heart. I lower my eyes to her level, making sure she’s completely in this moment with me. “Fuck all the firsts, Sky. The only thing that matters to me with you are the forevers.”

  She releases a breath of relief, then completely kisses the hell out of me. I grab her head and lower her back onto the bed, climbing on top of her. “I love you,” I say against her lips. “I’ve loved you for so long but I just couldn’t tell you. It didn’t feel right letting you love me back when I was keeping so much from you.”

  She’s crying again, but she’s also smiling. “I don’t think you could have picked a better time to tell me you loved me than tonight. I’m happy you waited.”

  I dip my head and kiss her. I kiss her like she deserves to be kissed. I hold her like she deserves to be held. And I’m about to make love to her like she deserves to be loved. I untie the robe she’s wearing and slide my hand across her stomach. “God, I love you,” I say to her. My hand moves from her waist, down her hip and to her thigh. I can feel her tense up, so I pull back and look down at her. “Remember . . . I’m touching you because I love you. No other reason.”

  She nods and closes her eyes and I recognize the nervousness seeping off her. I pull her robe closed and bring my hand to her face.

  “Open your eyes,” I say. She opens them and they’re full of tears. “You’re crying.”

  She just nods and smiles up at me. “It’s okay. They’re the good kind of tears.”

  I silently watch her, gauging if we should even be doing this right now. I want to show her how much I love her and I want to erase what happened between us an hour ago, because it never should have happened. I want to make it right for her. It’s always been so ugly for her, but she deserves to see how beautiful it can be.

  “I want to make love to you, Sky,” I say, lacing our fingers together. “And I think you want it, too. But I need you to understand something first.” I lower my mouth and kiss away a falling tear. “I know it’s hard for you to allow yourself to feel this. You’ve gone so long training yourself to block the feelings and emotions out any time someone touches you. But I want you to know that what your father physically did to you isn’t what hurt you as a little girl. It’s what he did to your faith in him that broke your heart. You suffered through one of the worst things a child can go through at the hands of your hero . . . the person you idolized . . . and I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have felt like. But remember that the things he did to you are in no way related to the two of us when we’re together like this. When I touch you, I’m touching you because I want to make you happy. When I kiss you, I’m kissing you because you have the most incredible mouth I’ve ever seen and you know I can’t not kiss it. And when I make love to you—I’m doing exactly that. I’m making love to you because I’m in love with you. The negative feeling you’ve been associating with physical touch your whole life doesn’t apply to me. It doesn’t apply to us. I’m touching you because I’m in love with you and for no other reason.” I kiss her softly. “I love you.”

  She kisses me harder than she’s ever kissed me, pulling me down to the bed with her. We continue to kiss and she continues to allow me to explore every single part of her with my mouth and my hands. When I ready myself against her after putting another condom on, I look down at her and she’s finally looking up at me with a serene expression. The love in her eyes right now can’t be mistaken, but I still want to hear her say it.

  “Tell me you love me.”

  She tightens her grip around me, looking me hard in the eyes. “I love you, Holder. So much,” she says firmly. “And just so you know . . . so did Hope.”

  As soon as the words leave her mouth, I’m completely consumed by a sense of peace. For the first time since the second she was taken from me, I finally know what forgiveness feels like. “I wish you could feel what that just did to me.” I claim her mouth with mine at the same time she completely consumes my heart.

  Chapter Forty-three

  * * *

  When I turn my phone on, I’m flooded with texts. Several from Breckin, several from my mother. There are missed calls from Sky’s phone, so I can only assume they’re from Karen. I don’t listen to any of the voicemails, though. I know everyone’s just worried about us, especially Karen. I’m still not sure how what she did fits into the picture, but I find it hard to believe that what she did was done from a place of evil.

  Sky rustles in the bed, rolling over. I look down at her and lean forward to kiss her but she turns her face away and I kiss her cheek, instead.

  “Morning breath,” she mumbles, sliding off the bed. She heads for the shower and I check the time. Check-out is in an hour, so I decide to gather our things.

  After I’ve got most of our things packed, she walks out of the bathroom. “What are you doing?” she asks.

  I glance at her. “We can’t stay here forever, Sky. We need to figure out what you want to do.”

  She rushes toward me. “But . . . but I don’t know yet. I don’t even have anywhere to go.”

  Her voice is full of panic, so I walk to her in order to ease her mind. “You have me, Sky. Calm down. We can go back to my house and figure this out. Besides, we’re both still in school. We can’t just stop going and we definitely can’t live in a hotel forever.”

  “One more day,” she says. “Please, let’s just stay one more day, then we’ll go. I need to try to figure this out and in order to do that, I need to go there one more time.”

  I don’t know how she can possibly think going back to that house is in any way a good idea. Th
ere’s absolutely nothing she needs from there. “No way. I’m not putting you through that again. You’re not going back.”

  “I need to, Holder,” she says pleadingly. “I swear I won’t get out of the car this time. I swear. But I need to see the house again before we go. I remembered so much while I was there. I just want a few more memories before you take me back and I have to decide what to do.”

  Jesus, she’s relentless. I pace the floor, not knowing how I can get it through her head that she can’t do this.

  “Please,” she says again.

  Ugh! I can’t say no to that voice.

  “Fine,” I groan. “I told you I would do whatever it was you felt you needed to do. But I’m not hanging all of those clothes back up.”

  She laughs and rushes to me, throwing her arms around my neck. “You’re the best, most understanding boyfriend in the whole wide world.”

  I hug her back and sigh. “No, I’m not. I’m the most whipped boyfriend in the whole wide world.”

  • • •

  We’re sitting in my car across the street from her old house and I’m gripping the steering wheel so hard I’m afraid I might break it. Her father just pulled up into his driveway, and as mad and outraged as I’ve been in the past, I’ve never had the urge to actually kill someone until now. Just seeing him makes my stomach turn and my blood boil. I lift my hand to the ignition, knowing nothing good can come of this if I don’t drive away right now.

  “Don’t leave,” she says, pulling my hand away from the ignition. “I need to see what he looks like.”

  I sigh and fall back against the seat. She needs to hurry up and get what she needs because this is bad. This is bad, bad, bad.

  “Oh, my God,” she whispers. I turn to her, wanting to know what made her just say that. “It’s nothing,” she says. “He just looks . . . familiar. I haven’t had an image of him in my head at all but if I was to see him walking down the street, I would know him.”

  We watch as he ends a conversation on his cell phone and walks to the mailbox.

  “Have you had enough?” I ask her. “Because I can’t stay here another second without jumping out of this car and beating his ass.”

  “Almost,” she says, leaning across the seat to get a better look. I don’t understand why she would even want to see him. I don’t understand how she’s not jumping out of this car in order to rip his balls off, because that’s the only urge I have right now.

  After her father finally disappears inside his house, I turn and look at her.

  “Now?”

  She nods. “Yeah, we can go now.”

  I place my hand on the ignition and crank the car, then watch in horror as she swings open the door and rushes out of the car.

  What the fuck?

  I turn the car off and swing open my door, running after her. I chase her all the way across the front yard and halfway up the porch steps. I wrap my arms around her and lift her up, then turn back to the car. She’s trying to fight me and kick me and I’m doing everything I can to get her as far away from the house as I can so he doesn’t hear her.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I say through clenched teeth.

  “Let go of me right now, Holder, or I’ll scream! I swear to God, I’ll scream!”

  I let go of her and spin her around to face me. I grip her shoulders tightly and try to shake some goddamned sense into her.

  “Don’t do this, Sky. You don’t need to face him again, not after what he’s done. I want you to give yourself more time.”

  She looks at me and begins to shake her head. “I have to know if he’s doing this to anyone else. I need to know if he has more kids. I can’t just let it go, knowing what he’s capable of. I have to see him. I have to talk to him. I need to know that he’s not that man anymore before I can allow myself to get back in that car and just drive away.”

  I take her face in my hands and try to reason with her. “Don’t do this. Not yet. We can make a few phone calls. We’ll find out whatever we can online about him first. Please, Sky.” I turn her toward the car and she sighs. She finally relents and begins walking toward the car with me.

  “Is there a problem here?”

  We both spin around at the sound of his voice. He’s standing at the base of the porch steps, eyeing me carefully. If I wasn’t having to physically prevent Sky from falling to the ground right now, I’d be rushing him.

  “Young lady, is this man hurting you?”

  She grows limp in my arms the second he speaks to her directly. I pull her against my chest. “Let’s go,” I whisper. I turn her toward the car. I need to get her away from him. I just need to get her to the car.

  “Don’t move!” he yells.

  Sky freezes at the sound of his voice, but I’m still trying to urge her toward the car.

  “Turn around!”

  I can’t force Sky forward at this point and there really isn’t a way out of this situation. I begin to turn her around with me and keep my arm wrapped around her. She looks into my eyes and there’s more terror in them than I ever imagined a single person could feel.

  “Play it off,” I whisper in her ear. “He might not recognize you.”

  She nods and we both face her father now. I’m not concerned with the fact that he may recognize me. Other than the day Hope went missing, he never spoke to me. I’m just hoping to hell he doesn’t recognize her, but I know he will. A parent would recognize his own child, no matter how long it’s been.

  He’s making his way toward us, and the closer he gets, the more I see the recognition in his eyes. He knows her.

  Shit.

  He pauses when he’s several feet from us and tries to look her in the eyes, but she presses herself against me and looks down at the ground.

  “Princess?” he says.

  She begins to slide out of my arms and I look down at her. Her eyes have rolled back into her head and she’s falling. I keep a tight grip on her and ease her to the ground completely so that I can get a better grip on her. I need to get her out of here right now.

  I slide my hands under her arms and try to pull her up. Her father comes closer and grabs her hands to help me.

  “Don’t you fucking touch her!” I scream. He immediately backs away, looking at me in shock.

  I look back down at her and grab her head, trying to bring her back to consciousness.

  “Baby, open your eyes. Please.”

  Her eyelids flutter open and she looks up at me. “It’s okay,” I reassure her. “You just passed out. I need you to stand up. We need to leave.” I pull her to her feet and steady her against me. I give her a second to regain her strength. Her father is right in front of her now.

  “It is you,” he says staring at her. He looks at me, then back to Sky. “Hope? Do you remember me?” His eyes are full of tears.

  “Let’s go,” I say to her, attempting to pull her with me. She has to know how much I’m trying to refrain from attacking him right now. We. Need. To. Leave.

  She resists my pull as her father takes another step toward her, so I pull her a step away from him.

  “Do you?” he says again. “Hope, do you remember me?”

  Sky’s whole body grows tense. “How could I forget you?” she spits.

  He sucks in a breath. “It’s you,” he says, fidgeting his hand down at his side. “You’re alive. You’re okay.” He pulls out his radio, but I take a step forward and knock it out of his hand before he can report it.

  “I wouldn’t let anyone know she’s here if I were you,” I say. “I doubt you would want the fact that you’re a fucking pervert to be front-page news.”

  The blood drains from his face. “What?” He looks back at Sky and shakes his head. “Hope, whoever took you . . . they lied to you. They told you things about me that weren’t true.” He takes another step forward and I have to pull her back again. “Who took you, Hope? Who was it?”

  She begins to shake her head back and forth. “I remember everything yo
u did to me,” she says, taking a confident step toward him. “And if you just give me what I’m here for, I swear I’ll walk away and you’ll never hear from me again.”

  He’s shaking his head, not wanting to believe that she remembers. He watches her for a minute. I know he’s just as caught off guard as we are.

  “What is it you want?” he asks her.

  “Answers,” Sky says. “And I want anything you have that belonged to my mother.”

  Sky reaches down to my hand, which is wrapped around her waist, and she squeezes it. She’s scared.

  Her father glances at me, then back to Sky. “We can talk inside,” he says quietly. He looks around the neighborhood nervously, making sure there aren’t any witnesses. The fact that he’s even looking for witnesses lights up a huge caution sign. There’s no telling what this man is capable of.

  “Leave your gun,” I demand.

  He pauses, then removes his gun from his holster. He lays it on the porch.

  “Both of them,” I say.

  He reaches down and removes the extra gun from his leg, laying it on the porch right before he walks into his house. I spin Sky around to face me before we walk through the door.

  “I’m staying right here with the door open. I don’t trust him. Don’t go any farther than the living room.”

  She nods and I give her a quick kiss, then watch her turn and step into the living room. She walks to the couch and takes a seat, eyeing him guardedly the entire time.

  He raises his eyes to hers. “Before you say anything,” he says. “You need to know that I loved you and I’ve regretted what I did every second of my life.”

  “I want to know why you did it,” she says.

  He leans back in his seat and rubs his hands over his eyes. “I don’t know,” he says. “After your mother died, I started drinking heavily again. It wasn’t until a year later that I got so drunk one night that I woke up the next morning and knew I had done something terrible. I was hoping it was just a horrible dream, but when I went to wake you up that morning you were . . . different. You weren’t the same happy little girl you used to be. Overnight, you somehow became someone who was terrified of me. I hated myself. I’m not even sure what I did to you because I was too drunk to remember. But I knew it was something awful and I am so, so sorry. It never happened again and I did everything I could to make it up to you. I bought you presents all the time and gave you whatever you wanted. I didn’t want you to remember that night.”