by Mark Tufo
“Well, if we can save it shouldn’t we?” I asked. No sense in killing something just to make something else easier.
“Jesus, Flexy, don’t you think we’ve tried bottle feeding? We weren’t sacrificing the poor boy.”
I laughed, and it was a quiet, insincere sound. “I know better. Sorry. I suppose little Beaker better figure out which way to go fast, then. I can’t allow Jamie this existence much longer.”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to commit. It was like not wanting to say you’re full because the dinner tastes so good you want to keep eating. Or not telling anyone you’re quitting smoking because you know you won’t be able to do it. I didn’t want to say I would end my sister’s life tonight, because I knew there was a damned good chance I’d fucking chicken out. But I steeled myself and formed the words anyway.
“Tonight, Gem. I want to let her be at peace tonight.”
Gem’s eyes welled up and she stared at the faded boards of my porch deck. She didn’t look up. Then she stood from the bench swing and went back in the house. She wasn’t mad. I knew she was thinking about her little Rabbit, her little Jesse, buried in that godforsaken hole at the only home she’d ever known. She was thinking about that little girl’s father, whom she’d also known and loved, and she was thinking about all the other horrors we’d faced.
And now I was forced to vocalize that I had decided to kill my baby sister. Gem knew more than me.
She realized what making that decision would do to me even more than I did.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
We could all feel it. It was palpable, like a putrid scent in the air or a low-hanging mist would be impossible to ignore. The solemnity of the task that lay ahead had us all on the edge of tears.
Even Hemp couldn’t be consoled. He’d treated Jamie with a respect that none of us would have afforded to any of the other infecteds. He considered pain a factor when he poked, prodded, or attached things to her skin, or when he removed them.
He treated this thing like she was a member of the family, because she was.
I knew this. I’d seen it. And I appreciated it.
But how to do it; how to take her life, for as much of a life as it was. How to make sure it was clean and effective. Hemp had some ideas, but I needed to make sure it would be fast.
Our guns lying in the grass beside us beneath a 12’ x 12’ canopy set up with aluminum poles and thin guy wires, Hemp and I reclined in the grass watching the girls – and I mean all of them – working some target practice.
As they watched, Charlie walked to the target with a hammer and three nails. She hammered in a nail at the top of the plywood backboard, and two at the bottom left and right. Then she pulled a ½” diameter rope from around her waist and tied it around all three of them, essentially drawing an isosceles triangle.
She walked back and pulled an arrow from the quiver on her back.
“Ready?” she asked Trina.
Trina nodded.
“Don’t blink.”
“I won’t,” said Trina. Gem stood beside them and smiled.
Flex watched with intensity.
And Charlie counted quickly to three. One arrow flew, then another, and another. That fast.
And in each section of the triangle, the arrows pierced the center of the rope.
“Holy shit!” said Hemp.
“Took the words right out of my mouth,” I said.
“Nice,” said Gem. “I gotta learn that shit.”
And so the girls continued practice.
Yes, even Trina. She had become excellent at holding the Taurus .22 steady, and her trigger pulls were almost tender for a child of her years. What none of us knew was if she would be prepared for the kick and the bang of a live round.
“I’d like to put a round in there for her,” Gem called to me.
I nodded and held a thumbs up, then said, “Trini, this is a big deal, now you listen to Auntie Gem very carefully, okay?”
Trina had been listening to the heftier booms that the other guns made, though she was wearing ear protection as well as eye protection. She whipped off the earphones and said, “I get to shoot it? Really shoot it?”
“If you listen to Gemmy you can do it more than once,” I said.
She leapt in the air again and again, and I did notice that as she held the gun, it remained pointed away from everyone. If she could do it at this excitement level, I think she was about trained.
Gem knelt down and slid a bullet into the cartridge. Then, looking quickly at me, she slid another in and snapped it closed again, spinning the cylinder around to take advantage of the loads. She then handed the gun back to Trina and turned her gently by the shoulders toward the nearest target.
“Now you NEVER shoot while someone is down range. If you see anyone who is not a bad person in the direction of your gun, keep the barrel down, away from them, and never shoot it. Now. Think you’re ready to put a hole in that target?”
“Ready!” she shouted.
I could not wipe the smile from my face. This is exactly what I needed. Hemp was in a similar state. I slapped him on the arm, and we both smiled bigger.
Trina raised the gun with both little hands. She pulled back the hammer with both thumbs working together.
Her arms straight out, she held the gun steady.
“Trini, I want you to aim for the center dot. It’s red. Just do the best you can, and remember how I told you to use the sights, okay?”
One eye was squeezed shut. “I got it in there now,” she said. “The stick thing is balanced in the V thing. Can I shoot?”
“Remember the kick, baby,” I said.
“Okay. Shoot,” Gem said.
She fired the gun. A hole appeared two inches from the center of the target, and Trina staggered back one step, like an Olympic gymnast who’d just missed her landing with a slight over rotation.
“Did I hit it?” she asked?
Gem applauded, and Charlie laid down her weapon and did the same. Hemp and I stood and gave her the ovation she deserved.
“Yes! You nearly hit the bull’s-eye!”
Trina knelt down, put the gun on the ground, then stood up, raised both hands in the air and jumped up, screaming, “Fuck yes, I did! Yay!”
And we all looked at each other and laughed our asses off.
After a few more shots and more respectful handling of the .22, we felt comfortable that Trina was getting the hang of it. Turns out she wasn’t as good as her first shot, but her little arms were getting tired. She’d been playing with the empty gun long before she’d been allowed to load it, so we gave her some slack.
Gem, Charlie and Trina packed up their weapons and started talking about dinner and picking up some more fuel the next day. Waving at us, they headed for the house.
We waved back, but as Hemp started to get up, I took him by the arm, holding him there. The evening was fading to dusk, and Jamie wouldn’t leave my mind.
“I think I’d like to do it, Hemp. No fanfare. A bullet to the brain. We know it works, we know it’s quick. I don’t want to try anything cute that makes her suffer in any way.”
“Understood,” he said. “Maybe let Gem say a goodbye, first?”
“I’m sure she’ll come in with me. You don’t have to. I think I’d actually prefer it be just me and Gem with her.”
“I don’t have any opposition to that, Flex. You both loved her. Makes sense. Charlie and I will stay with Trina, and you can have your talk with her after.”
“I understand Beaker died about an hour ago,” I said.
Hemp nodded. “Yeah. We didn’t tell her yet. Thought we’d just remove the pup and tell her when she noticed. She knew he wasn’t doing well, so we tried to prepare her by explaining that especially in dogs, with such large litters, it’s quite common for some not to survive.”
“And did she grasp that?”
“She got into the whole heaven thing, and of course we explained that all good people and animals go there when they die. Seem
ed like a good lead-in.”
“Right. You’re right. It was.”
I looked at my watch. “I don’t think I want to eat before I do this,” I said. “I’m hungry, but so is she. The difference is, I’ll get to eat eventually – if I can. She’ll never get what she wants.”
“I get it, Flex. Want me to send Gem out?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Please. Make sure Trina doesn’t leave the house, and ask Gem to bring the .44 Magnum with her, if you would.”
He nodded and stood, patted me on the shoulder, gave it a squeeze, then began walking toward the house.
I had my K7 with me, but whatever gun I used would be of no use to me anymore. And I loved the Daewoo, so I couldn’t render it useless. All I needed was one good, well-placed round. The .44 would do the trick.
Hemp disappeared inside the house and I waited a moment in the fading daylight before mounting the steps to the lab.
*****
Gem came in a few moments later, the .44 tucked in her waistband, her Uzi in its usual position over her shoulder, held there by the new brightly colored and beaded strap she and Trina had worked on.
She put down her gun, took out the .44 and put it on one of the stainless tables, then she came to me and put her arms around my neck. She pressed her cheek to mine and we didn’t say a word.
I realized I was shaking. The moment had come, and there was no backing out. I’d put if off for weeks, and some good had come out of that decision; all we’d learned, watching her progression and recording it so that we wouldn’t forget.
I’d never watch the recordings again, but Hemp would find cause to, most likely. Good. The record of Jamie’s last days should be of some use to humankind. The old Jamie would have wanted to do good. Only good. It was who she was.
I thought of being there with her in the room when Trina was born; she knew I had no kids and wasn’t likely to, so she asked if I’d like to watch my niece come into the world. I’d never been present during a birth, and it was the miracle of life – and one I was grateful to see.
For that reason, Trina was special to me. I saw her just as the light of this bright world touched her for the first time, and at that moment, she touched my heart forever. I’d never known I had enough love inside my heart for this child too, as I’d already been surprised once with Jesse.
And now, as Gem pulled away and looked into my watering eyes, I knew the time had come and I needed to say my goodbyes.
I took Gem by the hand and we walked to the back room and opened the door. Hemp had re-secured Jamie’s head, so she could not turn it. There were no lights on in this room, as the generator would continuously run out of fuel if we kept too many things running, so I took two candles from the nearby counter and lit them with a fireplace lighter kept with them for that purpose.
We went inside and placed one on each side of the table upon which my sister was strapped. The light flickered back and forth, its dimness mercifully concealing much of the deterioration of my sister’s face and skin.
I moved beside her and without hesitation, rested my hand on her bare arm. She was cold; her skin rough and dry beneath my touch. But I slid my thumb over it just the same, and stroked her as tenderly as I could manage.
“Jamie . . .” I began. “It’s me, Flex. Your brother. I’m the one who used to chase you with lizards when we were kids, who protected you when you felt threatened, and who loved you more than I believe I ever told you. I’m the one who you made so happy when you married Jack. I could see the love in his eyes and in your eyes, and I longed for that. And when you had Jesse, I fell in love with her. She was beautiful like you, and Jamie, she’s at peace. You’ll be with her real soon.”
My eyes welled up and I had to stop. Gem took my other hand and held tight to me. I was shaking, and my watering eyes had become rivers. I was starting to sob, but I bit my lip and continued, as best I could.
“And your little Trina is just inside the house over there, my house. And Gem is back now, and I think we’ve got what you and Jack had, Jamie. We’ve got that kind of love, and we’re taking good care of Trina. We plan to raise her just as you would’ve done.”
“Except we’re letting her say fuck,” Gem said, smiling.
“Yes, except we’re letting her say fuck,” I repeated, and my laugh broke my sadness. “But she’s a smart little one, Jamie. Like her mama. Smart. And beautiful, too. So I want you to go to sleep tonight, Jamie, and I want you to take Jesse’s hand and be her mama again. She knows so well that you never meant to harm her.”
Gem leaned forward and released my hand. “Jamie,” she said. “I always loved you. I wanted to be a mommy like you someday . . . I just didn’t realize I’d be called to be a mommy to your Trina. But Jamie, I promise you with everything in me, I’ll always talk about you as an angel in heaven, and I’ll let her know you’re looking down on her, watching after her, and making sure she’s safe. I promise you that, Jamie. And for that, I only want you to promise me one thing.”
And Gem’s tears began to flow in a torrent. I didn’t think she’d be able to say the one more thing. But she closed her eyes and put a hand on Jamie’s shoulder.
“You take good care of my little rabbit, okay? Take good care of her, please? And remind her how much your brother and I love her.”
And with that, we both stood back. I went to the counter and picked up the gun. Gem took a thick sheet from the shelf against the wall and opened it into a quarter square, and laid it over Jamie’s face, already dim in the candle light.
I placed the gun against her head, made sure I would hit her brain, and without hesitation, I fired once.
Then I fired again.
The echo of the .44 would stay with me forever.
The thing that had consumed my baby sister was dead.
And my Jamie was at peace.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Within fifteen seconds of the sound of the gunshots, the door to the lab opened, and Charlie came in with Hemp behind her. I looked, and saw Trina standing just outside at the bottom of the stairs.
Gem saw her too, and went to her and took her hand. Hemp came to me and put his hands on my shoulders, facing me.
“I’m sorry, mate. I know you loved her, and because you did, it was the right thing to do. Now you and Gem take Trina inside, and Charlie and I will prepare her body for burial.”
I nodded. I thought I should say thank you, but I didn’t think I could utter anything without breaking down. As I walked by her, Charlie held her hand out and I took it briefly. The small squeeze told me everything I needed to know and feel. I was so glad we found her and made her a part of our little family.
I took Gem’s other hand and the three of us made our way back to the house. I’d forgotten my gun, but in typical Gem fashion, Suzi was hanging off her shoulder at ready.
It was more than three hours before Charlie and Hemp came back in. I didn’t realize it had been so long until they returned. My mind was far away, and Trina had long gone to bed, leaving Gem and me in a comfortable silence – the silent thoughts of those we loved and would never see again.
“We dug the grave for a service tomorrow morning, Flex,” Hemp said. “At the back of the yard.”
“Near the tree line,” Charlie added. “It’s shady and beautiful there, so . . .”
“It’s perfect,” I said. “Thank you both so much for doing that for her, and for us.”
They sat in the arm chairs opposite the sofa and leaned back, the sweat still glistening on their skin. It was now September in Georgia, and the nights were hot, too. Digging in this weather was not an easy task.
“We’re a family,” Charlie said. “I’ve felt it since I first arrived here at this house. I loved the two of you immediately, but meeting Hemp and Trina just drove it all home for me. I lost my blood family, but I’m not without.”
Gem stood and went to Charlie. She held her arms out.
“Get up, you sweaty mess. I need a hug.”
Charlie couldn�
�t suppress a smile, and she stood with a grunt, and put her arms around Gem’s neck, as Gem’s arms wrapped tightly around her.
“This is going to sound really stupid,” Gem said. She pulled away, put her palms on both of Charlie’s cheeks, and said, “You’re fucking awesome, and I love you, too.”
Then she put her cheek to Charlie’s, closed her eyes, and eventually pulled away and went back to her seat. Charlie fell back into her chair smiling.
“So tomorrow, then,” I said. “First light?”
Hemp looked at me and nodded. “Sure. Let’s get up early and dress in our Sunday best, for what they are. A light breakfast, then we’ll have a service.”
I smiled. “Tomorrow is Sunday, isn’t it? That’s appropriate. Jamie would’ve taken the girls to church while Jack would’ve played pool with his friends. She didn’t care, though. She told me once that he worked so hard during the week that if he wanted to play pool rather than sit in a pew, then he deserved it. He loved her all the more for it.”
“I’m exhausted,” Gem said. She looked at her watch. It was 11:30. “Flex and I didn’t even think about food tonight, so we’ll look forward to that breakfast, light or heavy.”
She held out her hand, and I groaned myself to my feet. “Night, guys. Thanks again. Love you both.”
They both waved at me, and I let Gem pull me toward our bed.
Then she stopped short, pulled me back in the living room, grabbed Suzi, and proceeded back toward the bedroom, me in tow.
“I’m slipping. Getting too comfortable,” she said.
As Gem and I lay in bed, my arm over her shoulder and our bodies tucked together, I said, “I never thought much about that Springsteen song, Atlantic City. But there’s a repeating verse that I can’t get out of my head.”
“What’s that, baby?”
“Now, baby, everything dies, honey, that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back...”