The Lies I've Told: A By The Bay Stand-Alone Novel

by J. L. Berg

  “Now, why does that sound like a lie?”

  Pressing my lips together hard, I thought back to our morning together as I tried to convince myself I could be in a relaxed relationship with no rules.

  No future.

  No feelings.

  But every glance, every smile, and brush of his body against mine had taken away another piece of me. Without even trying, Aiden Fisher was stealing my heart, and God help me, I was letting him.

  “I think I’m falling in love,” I said, his face still so fresh in my mind.

  “Are you sure?” my mom asked as my head fell to my hands.

  “No,” I groaned, making them both laugh. Lifting my head once more, I let out a frustrated breath and answered her question once more, “Yes. But how, Mama? It’s only been a few days. Love, real love,” I emphasized, “can’t happen overnight.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, there are no rules when it comes to love. Sometimes, it hits you like a lightning bolt in the middle of a summer storm. Other times, it develops slowly over time. But one does not outweigh the other. When it’s real, it’s real.”

  I nodded, feeling disheartened by my revelation. “It’s real,” I admitted. “More real than anything I’ve ever felt. And it frightens me.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m not sure he loves me in return,” I answered, suddenly remembering our conversation from earlier in the day.

  “Everyone handles grief in their own way. Some hold on, grasping at whatever they can, trying to keep a sliver of hope alive.”

  “And everyone else?”

  “They run.”

  “Or, if he does, there’s something in the way. I don’t know. I always feel like he’s running in a different direction than me. Why do you think I said it was complicated? He tells me nothing, but I see the pain in his eyes from a past he won’t share. He’s like a treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean with no key.”

  “So, be the key, sweetheart.”

  “What? Mom, it was just a stupid metaphor,” I said, feeling defeated.

  “No, it was actually quite perfect. Unlock the source of his pain, and then maybe you’ll find the way to heal the man you love so that he can love you in return—the way you deserve to be loved.” She paused for a split second, a small smile on her lips. “Because I won’t settle for any less, and neither should you.”

  “No, I shouldn’t,” I agreed.

  I deserved more.

  I deserved love.

  The wholehearted, all-consuming kind.

  The trouble was? My heart currently resided at the bottom of the ocean with Aiden.

  “Be the key,” my mom had said.

  Sure, no problem.

  “Hey, Mom? Could you maybe write out some directions on this key thing before you leave? Like a treasure map for snagging your man?”

  She laughed.

  Trouble was, I kind of wasn’t joking.

  Aiden,

  I don’t know a thing about love, but I’m fairly certain, if I were lucky enough to find it, I wouldn’t let a damn thing stand in my way.

  Especially this.

  And, if Ben were here, I know he’d agree with me. He always did. So, listen to your brothers and wise the fuck up.

  I’ll be here when you come to your senses. I’d love to meet your Millie.

  —James

  With the stone bird my brother had carved lying on my chest, I read the note James had left on my coffee table—the one I’d managed to snag just moments before Millie’s eyes descended upon it.

  At least, I thought I had.

  Her mood had been different since then. It’d felt almost erratic. Every touch had felt deliberate, as if she’d timed it down to the second. I’d catch her staring at me in the mirror at one of the stores she’d dragged me into, and the moment our eyes met, she’d smile and turn away. But the smile had felt forced.

  She’d enjoyed herself, picking out things for both of us in the short time we had before our flight back to Ocracoke, but I could tell there were other things on her mind.

  But what?

  When she’d been in my arms last night, I’d thought, surely, this was what it felt like to make love. She’d cradled me, cherished me, as I buried myself in her, using her body as the ultimate remedy for my grief. I had known it was selfish when I promised her nothing, but my conversation with James combined with the anniversary of Ben’s death, it had all been too much.

  I’d needed her.

  It was that sad realization that had me slumping in defeat.

  Just like that selfish little boy who had asked his little brother to teach him how to carve his own stone figurine, I would stay here as long as I was able, soaking up as much of Millie as I could.

  Because I couldn’t imagine spending another day without her.

  Feeling out of sorts with too many thoughts swirling around in my head, I decided a walk might be just the thing I needed. Snatching the tiny bird from his perch on my chest, I rose to my feet and placed him on the nightstand next to the bed.

  Heading toward the door, I opened it and found Millie with her hand raised to a fist.

  “Oh!” she gasped. “I—sorry! I didn’t expect you to answer before I knocked!”

  I shrugged. “We Brits are known for our punctuality.”

  It was a cheesy joke, but she laughed all the same.

  “I was just heading out for a walk. Care to join me?” I offered.

  “Actually…” she said, turning her head to gaze down the hall.

  I followed her lead and found two women standing near the foyer. One was Millie’s mother, whom I remembered from breakfast a few days earlier, and the other, I guessed, was her older sister, judging from how closely she resembled the other two women.

  “My family invited you to dinner.”

  A large lump formed in the dead center of my throat. “Oh.”

  She pushed me back inside my suite and promptly shut the door. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Please don’t hate me, or think I’m one of those women who is trying to force you down the aisle. But my family is a little crazy, and…well, Southern.” She said the last word like it was supposed to explain a lot. Like, Meet Sally. She’s blonde, blue-eyed, and oh yes, Southern. And everyone would immediately nod and understand the plethora of traits associated with the word.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  “Okay, when do we leave?”

  She suspiciously eyed me, so I did the same in return.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use the word okay. It’s weird. It’s more than weird. In fact, I don’t like it. Take it back.”

  “I can’t take it back.” I laughed. “I’m not allowed to say okay?”

  She shook her head with vigor. “No. Nope. It sounds horrible when you say it.”

  “It does not! Lots of Brits say it. Hell, I was watching Jessica Jones the other day, and the journalist character said it. Didn’t sound weird then.”

  Her eyes glassed over a little. “Oh, yeah, him? Yeah, he’s hot.”

  I gave her a pointed stare, causing her to blush.

  “But still, no. Uh-uh. Not for you. It’s like when your parents try to say something trendy. Like, just last week, my mom and I were on the phone, and she said she and my dad were going out to dinner. Then, she paused and said, ‘It’s gonna be lit.’ It was horrible. Like nails on a chalkboard horrible.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “All right, I would be very pleased to accompany you to an enchanting evening with your family tonight. Is that better?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “That will do. But I feel like you mocked me a little at the end there.”

  I grabbed her hand and headed for the door. “Well, you might have deserved it. Remind me to use the word okay at least half a dozen times tonight in conversation, okay?”

  “Oh my God,” she groaned.

  “This is going to be fun.”

  Letting out a snort, she
gave me an eye roll. “You say that now, but I don’t think you’ve fully realized what you’re getting yourself into.”

  We stopped just outside the entrance of my suite as I gave a brief glance down the hall before turning my attention back to Millie. “I’ve met your parents,” I said. “I seem to remember your mother having a particular fondness for me.”

  Millie rolled her eyes as I grinned. “Yes, but now, they know.” She put emphasis on the last word.

  “Know what?”

  “That you and I are…” Her voice dropped down to a whisper.

  “Doing it?” I said softly, making her giggle under her breath.

  “Shh! Yes! And it will be like the Spanish Inquisition at dinner tonight. I tried to talk my mom out of it, but she was adamant. She wants to get to know you. I hope it’s not too much.”

  I shook my head, placing a tiny kiss upon her nose. “I’m honored to be at your side.”

  She blushed, looking rather pleased as she pulled my hand down the hallway, toward the foyer.

  Try as they might, her mother and sister were doing a piss-poor job of minding their own business. I smiled to myself, wondering what it must be like to have such a caring, devoted mother like Millie’s.

  “Mom, I’m sure you remember Aiden,” Millie said.

  I began to hold out my hand to the beautiful older woman but was instead pulled into a giant hug.

  “So nice to see you again, Aiden.”

  “Mama!” I heard Millie and her sister say in unison.

  “Sorry! That’s just how we greet people around here,” she said before letting me go.

  I couldn’t help but chuckle as Millie rolled her eyes and introduced me to Molly.

  “This is my sister,” she said. “The older, wiser version of me.”

  “Some would say hotter,” Molly interjected.

  “Some,” Millie said. “But not most.” She gave me a quick wink before taking my hand.

  “Where are we headed?” I asked, wondering which of the three restaurants in town we’d dine at tonight.

  “Oh, we’re not going anywhere. Why go out when we have two of the best cooks right here?” Millie said, pointing to her mother and sister. “Plus, you can’t beat the view outside on the patio at sunset.”

  “Sounds like a fantastic plan to me,” I said. “How can I help?”

  “Well, I like him already,” Mrs. McIntyre said. “How are you with a knife?”

  I gave Millie a waggle of the eyebrow, making her laugh. “Better with a chisel, but I can hold my own.”

  “Think you can handle chopping some veggies?”

  I nodded, squeezing Millie’s hand in mine. “I think we can handle that just fine.”

  “Great! Then, follow me.”

  We did as we had been told, following closely behind Millie’s mom, who seemed like she was a take-charge sort of woman. I guessed running an inn and raising a family inside of it would require nothing less.

  “We’ll be on our own for the time being. Jake is on his way with Ruby, and she’s in dire need of some mom time. Once she’s fed, then I’ll have Molly back in here to help me with the harder stuff.”

  “It’s really no trouble,” I said. “We can help while she rests for the evening.”

  Both Millie and her mom burst into laughter.

  “What?”

  “This is Molly’s idea of resting,” Millie explained. “Baking, cooking—it’s like therapy or yoga for her. If she doesn’t get her daily dose, she’s off. And, believe me, it’s not pretty.”

  She’d already pulled out several different kinds of veggies for an appetizer, and Millie and I jumped right in, helping her chop through all of them. I took my time, careful not to lop off any of my digits, while Millie went to town with her knife and veggies. Obviously, this wasn’t her first rodeo at being her mother’s assistant.

  “Why so many?” I asked after a while, looking over the large piles we’d made. “Isn’t it just your family and me? Or am I underestimating the size of your family?”

  Millie, who’d helped herself to a carrot, made a face the moment she bit down. “Impromptu dinner for the inn. It’s something my sister started a few years ago. She’ll throw dinner on the grill and invite all the guests—no charge, of course. It’s become a huge hit on her reviews. People love it because they say it feels like they’ve come home, you know?”

  “Yeah,” I answered, but really, I had no idea, because to me, the idea of home was still a mystery. It was the childhood dream I used to talk about with my brothers under our worn sheets while our foster parents sat in the living room and pretended we didn’t exist.

  “Any more veggies, Mom?” Millie asked, handing over her half-eaten carrot to me.

  I grinned and took it from her as she began pilfering through the large pantry. Ten seconds later, she came back out with a marshmallow and several chocolate chips in her hands.

  Now, it was me who was rolling my eyes.

  “Nope, that’s it. You’re free to go,” she announced from the counter, her arms elbow deep in oysters.

  “Actually,” Millie replied, “I was thinking I could teach Aiden how to make hush puppies.”

  That seemed to catch Mrs. McIntyre’s attention as she turned to look at us. “Are you sure? You haven’t made them in ages, and last time you did, they came out all—”

  Millie’s eyebrows rose in response. “I got it Mom, really.”

  “Okay,” she replied, a warm smile spreading across her face as she returned back to her work.

  “What was that all about?” I asked as I followed Millie into the pantry, helping her grab several items - flour, cornmeal, and salt.

  “I might have burned a few things growing up. There’s maybe a lack of trust associated with my baking abilities.”

  I grinned. “And so you thought testing them out on an inn full of guests would be a great idea?”

  She turned to me, the once spacious pantry feeling quite small with us so close together. It gave me wicked ideas of what we could do in here with the door closed.

  “Did you really try to impress a girl with baking?” she asked, her big blue eyes staring up at mine.

  “What?”

  I could see she was almost annoyed by the words coming from her mouth, but she went ahead anyway.

  “The morning after we first slept together,” she explained, “I asked about your expert egg-cracking, and you said you’d learned it to impress a girl.”

  A smug smile formed on my lips. “You’re jealous?”

  “What? No! Maybe. A little.”

  I pulled her closer, the heat from her body doing things to me that probably shouldn’t be thought about in a place where flour was stored.

  “It’s just that there are all these things I want to do with you—like bake my grandma’s famous hush puppies—but then I wonder, Does he even like baking? I don’t know. Maybe this girl dumped him, and now he actually hates all things baking-related. The point is, I don’t know anything about you, but I want to.”

  My heart had quickened as she rambled.

  Have you even told her?

  No.

  Why? Don’t you think she deserves to know? To have the choice?

  She’ll stay…and maybe it will be great for a while—really great—but eventually, I’ll just become that mistake she made, and I can’t be the reason she ruined her life.

  A vision of us in the future, making dinner with her family suddenly came to mind. Her mother would ask me to chop the vegetables, and the room would go silent because, all at once, they’d realize the grave error in her words.

  Mother, Aiden can’t do those things anymore, remember?

  And then the sad stares would come, and though she’d try to hide it, I’d see Millie’s eyes flash with disappointment.

  Because I’d failed her.

  Oh God, what was I doing?

  Meeting her family and having dinner like I belonged?

  “I’ve got to go,” I said, causing her
eyes to widen. “Headache. I can’t.” I reached for my temple. “I’m sorry, Millie. Give my apologies to your parents.”

  I left her there, standing in the pantry, as I avoided her mother’s gaze and made a beeline for my suite.

  I never looked back.

  The room was dark. The house had been quiet for hours, and still, I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling of the old cedar house. I thought about that first night with Millie and how she’d seemed to be a gift from heaven, sent just when I needed her most.

  But I’d been in an alcohol daze, so drunk on the idea of her that I hadn’t been able to think clearly.

  And wasn’t that the exact definition of love?

  It made you crazy, impulsive, and completely irrational.

  That was how I felt around Millie McIntyre.

  I knew I should go. I knew I should pack up my things this very night and walk away from this tiny town and all the people in it.

  It would be the right thing to do.

  For everyone.

  But I couldn’t do it. My body was tied down to this bed, chained to this room, tethered to this woman so tightly, I didn’t know how to let go.

  The sound of the lock being turned jolted me upright as my eyes tried to make out the intruder making their way into my suite.

  It didn’t take long.

  Even in the darkened room, I could spot those long, sexy legs from a mile away.

  She didn’t say a word as I watched her set the key on my dresser, which I could only assume she’d stolen from her parents since her overseeing days for the inn had long since passed.

  Wearing only a thin slip of a nightgown, she walked over to the bed and pulled the covers back. I slid over, her eyes on mine as she found her way back to me. Her hand cradled my face as she leaned into me. Her eyes were swollen, most likely from tears she’d shed.

  Over me.

  I swallowed hard and tried to look away, but she wouldn’t allow it.

  “I’m not giving up on you, Aiden Fisher,” she whispered, her lips quivering with meaning. “Not now, not ever.”

  “I told you I couldn’t give you more,” I said, feeling like the worst kind of fraud. “I warned you to guard your heart.”