by Ali Parker
"Chill out. Idiot." I put my earbuds in and took off, not warming up at all. I had to push myself until the anger burned out. It was toxic and left me feeling nothing like myself. "Change what you're thinking about."
I knew a million tricks to controlling my emotions thanks to being on stage for so long, but I rarely used them in private. It was nice to have a place to relax and simply be myself, whatever that meant, but not today. Being me sucked royally.
Pushing harder, I pounded the pavement and ran until my lungs burned. The light ahead of me turned red and I leaned over and pressed my hands to my knees, ignoring the honking cars as everyone drove by on the busy street just beside me.
Funny how everyone envied my life. "You guys got no clue."
By the time I turned and started to make my way back home, my thoughts were off the baby-daddy bullshit and completely on Riley. The beautiful girl had been struggling all her life in a different way than me, and yet we both found ourselves alone.
Maybe that's why I wanted to give her my heart. She was the only one that might treasure it, might understand all that I've been through and treat me with something more than unearned respect and false worship.
I could see her in my mind's eye in a white dress. Something simple and made just for her. Just a little bit of make-up, but not much. Her hair up with little pieces of it flying everywhere. We'd dance all night and tie ourselves together with wedding bands, but that would just be a symbol. The way we watched each other, laughed together, made love all night... those would be the defining factors.
The way we raised our babies together and grew old loving each other more than anyone else in our lives.
My heart ached for such a show. I pressed my hand to the front of my shorts as my cock woke up at the truth behind the lie. I didn't want a friends-with-benefits anything. I wanted full benefits that only belonged to a woman's man.
I stopped at the mailbox at the edge of my drive and pulled my earbuds out.
"Hi, Ethan. How are you, love?" The older woman across the drive waved as I smiled and turned.
"Good, Mrs. Thomas. Thanks for asking."
Her expression changed and I realized I was sporting a hard-on. "Nice seeing you."
"Oh, yeah. You too." I put my mail in front of my waist and walked to the front door, embarrassed for the first time in a long time.
It almost felt... good. Human.
Chapter 21
Riley
Sunday was nothing more than a waste. Charlotte and I swapped sex stories and made brownies. I'd considered calling Ethan a hundred times, but I figured he would call me if he wanted to see me. He seemed to be old-fashion like that. Sadly enough, he never called.
Monday morning came too early, and I realized I had no clue what the schedule for the week looked like. I grabbed my debit card and left the apartment to grab a gallon of milk from the corner store as Charlotte ran around, trying to get ready for her corporate job. If I was grateful for anything, it was that I didn't have to dress in a suit and sit in a cubical all day. We might have been slightly unorganized and completely dramatic, but we were free. At least most of us at Eon were.
I walked to the corner store, enjoying the early summer weather, and pushed the door open. The bell jingled above my head, and I made a beeline for the cold containers.
"Hi, pretty girl." A scruffy looking guy moved up beside me. "What's your name?"
"John. What's yours?" I smiled and got a gallon of milk, throwing the guy off. "Cat got your tongue? Shame really."
He didn't say another word, which was rather the point. I paid for the milk and glanced down to the magazines.
ETHAN LEWIS AND HIS BASTARD BABY.
ETHAN LEWIS, OUR FAVORITE SON HAS FALLEN SO FAR.
HAS OUR GOLDEN BOY LOST HIS SHINE?
Article after article of Ethan's demise. Sadness mixed with fury threatened to pull me under.
"Unbelievable." I picked up the magazine as the guy handed me my receipt.
"Yeah, totally." He shook his head, his eyes on the magazine in my hand. "You know the worst part?"
"What's that?" I glanced up as my stomach turned sour.
"He probably didn't even do any of the shit it says he did." He huffed. "People get famous or make some money and the world is suddenly after them."
"And if he did do it?" I wanted to slap myself for asking, but I was curious how the public saw Ethan's actions.
"Then he should make it right, but it takes two to make a little one, right? That lady suing him was involved too, and it wasn't rape." He shrugged.
I moved to put the magazine back.
He reached out. "No. Take it with you. Read it and come up with your own opinion."
"Thanks, but I don't think he did it. He's a good man. If he did, he'd make it right. However, maybe she didn't give him the chance to."
"That's true too. People are shit."
"Not all people." I smiled and tucked the magazine under my arm. "Not you. Not me."
He smiled. "That's right. Have a nice day, okay?"
"You too." I walked out of the store and let the severity of Ethan's situation set in. He had to be furious, no broken, no sad... he had to be a myriad of emotions. It wasn't right.
There had to be something we could do about it. He'd worked his whole childhood to build his name up. Someone had to do something.
I jogged upstairs and walked in as Charlotte was walking out. "Hey. Does your uncle still do that private detecting thing?"
She smiled. "Is he a private detective?"
"Yes, Miss Grammar. You knew what I meant." I walked into the house.
"Yeah. He does. He's really good at it. Why? You got a missing person or a cheating spouse?"
"No. I want to pay him to figure out what's going on with this Amber chick that's claiming that Ethan is her baby daddy."
"Oh." Charlotte walked back into the apartment and closed the door. "You don't think he did it?"
"You do?" I put the milk up and put my hand on my hip.
She lifted her hands as if in surrender. "I don't know what to think. I loved and supported Ethan Lewis before you did, remember? If anyone believes he's innocent, it's me. But... we both know that he loves sex."
"I know." I walked toward the counter and pressed my hands to it. "Let's just get your uncle to look into it. Okay?"
"All right, but it's crazy expensive."
"I don't care."
"You are in love." She turned and walked to the door. "I'll call him today on my way home from work."
"Thank you!" I waited until she left to let out a soft squeal of excitement. If I could fix this for Ethan, then he'd know that I loved him without me ever having to say it.
Maybe then saying it would be easier. Hell, maybe it would be possible.
***
I drove to the studio with the window's down and my hair flying around like crazy. It felt good. Freeing.
After parking near the front lot, I got out and tugged my bag over my shoulder. Most of the actors took three-day weekends, so there wasn't too much going on for anyone on Mondays. It was a nice change from the busyness that usually left me insecure. Maybe after years of being on set, I would feel like I belonged there.
Maybe.
I made my way through the main studio and down the hall to the conference room Clayton and I usually met in. We'd shifted our sessions to Mondays until the traveling back and forth to San Diego was over.
"Hey." I pushed the door open as he glanced up from his clipboard.
"My favorite pupil." He winked at me. "How are you, Riley?"
"I'm good." I let my bag drop to the floor and tried to still my racing heart. He was gorgeous and a master of the art. I'd studied him as much as I'd geeked out over Ethan on TV. I wanted to be a combination of both of them. Ethan's power and Clayton's skill.
"Your finals went well?" He stood up and put the clipboard down as he studied me.
"I hope so. I felt good about them." I moved to stand in front of him
. "I'm sorry about not getting to go to dinner in San Diego."
"Ethan needed you." His smile seemed genuine. Why would Ethan be so dead set on the fact that Clayton was a wolf in sheep's clothing? Maybe there was more to the story than any of us knew. He wasn't a silly boy, but a grown man, a well-known, well-respected, grown man.
"Something like that." I rolled my shoulders. "All right. What are we doing today?"
"We're going to walk through a few pieces on rejection. I want to prepare you for the moment you're on the screen, playing like you're someone's lover, but in reality, you're not. You're there to bury a hatchet in their chest, to end their lives, to bleed them dry."
"Wow. That sounds... horrible." I laughed, trying to ease the tension building between us.
"It is. Feels like hell is raining down on you when someone betrays you. It's a million times worse when it's a man or woman you're willing to give your heart to." He tilted his head to the side, his dark gaze driving into me.
"Is this about the stage, or my life?"
"Could it be both?" He rubbed his hands together. "I'm going to teach you how to manipulate on screen. If you use it off screen, more power to you, Riley."
"All right. Set it up."
"Good." His smile was addictive. "You're in love with me, as I am with you. We've made love so many times that I know you. Inside and out."
I swallowed hard as it felt like someone sucked the air from the room. "Okay."
"We'll improv. You're leaving for a long trip and want to make love one more time before you go, because you know that you're not coming back."
Fear pumped through me. I couldn't figure out why though. Nothing Clayton said so far had anything to do with me.
He continued. "I'm going to use this moment to tell you exactly how I feel about you. When I'm done... if you're convinced by my words, my actions, that I do love you, then ask me if I'm being truthful or if I'm just playing my part. My answer will be the key. Got it?"
"I think so." I was panting, which was embarrassing.
"It's just me in here." He chuckled and walked toward me.
"You being just you holds a lot of weight."
"Does it?" He reached out and gripped my shoulders. "Relax and play the part you've been handed. I think it will open up so many doors in your mind... should you need them to open."
"I don't understand, but I trust you."
"Good. Then my job is almost done." He winked. "Ready?"
"Yes," I whispered and moved closer to him. "I don't wanna go."
"I know you don't." His dark eyes filled with so much need it scared me. "You'll be home soon though. Don't miss your flight, Ri."
"One more night. I want one more night with you." I closed the gap between us and let him become Ethan for a minute. "You understand, right?"
"No. Not at all. Why only one night?" He leaned forward and brushed his nose by mine. The softness of his touch combined with the dark scent of his cologne was almost too much. My pulse pumped a million miles an hour, my stomach tight, my knees weak.
I pressed my fingers to his lips as he moved in to kiss me. "Because I need to feel you against me." I moved my fingers down his chin and leaned close, breathing him in. "I want to remember how good we are together."
"You're coming back, baby. Right?" He stood up and tilted his head to the side.
"Yeah. Of course." I backed up a little, offended by his question.
"Good, because you have to."
"I do?"
His arms were warm and strong as he pulled me into them, his smile loving.
"Yeah, you do. You're my everything, Riley. I think about you when I get up in the morning, baby. I want to be able to reach over and pull you in close, to make love to you and hear you cry out before the sun comes up." He kissed my cheek and pressed his mouth to my ear as chill bumps raced across my skin. Why did it feel like I was crossing an unseen line? "I want to steal your heart during lunch dates and bring you flowers on Thursdays." He brushed his nose by mine and gripped the sides of my face, his presence so fucking dominant. "I need to hold you at night, to find your center and drive into it until you recognize me as the only man that will ever exist in your life."
I took a shaky breath and nodded at him. "Clayton. Are you being serious right now? Or... are you just playing the part handed to you?"
He leaned in and kissed me the way Ethan would, stealing a part of me that maybe belonged only to him.
I pushed at his chest the minute I felt the pull not to. "Clayton. Answer me."
He chuckled as his features relaxed. "My name is Jonathan for this improv, silly. Of course I'm just playing the part."
A sigh left me as I ran my fingers through my hair and offered him a painfully forced chuckle. "Why aren't you acting? That was beautiful."
"Riley. If I had been able to believe for a moment that you really wanted me to be your man, perhaps my answer would have been different. See the manipulation? You believed you were testing me, but you weren't. I was testing you." He winked and walked back to his clip board.
I stood there, confused and slightly turned on, which left me feeling like shit. "Wait. I need you to go over that one more time."
"Sure." He turned to face me. "I asked you to assess whether I was playing a part or if I really wanted all of those beautiful things I mentioned in real life. Off the stage. That was the goal, correct?"
"Yes," I mumbled, breathless.
"Good. Just know that you weren't the only one making an assessment. I was making one too."
"So you do want those things?"
"Perhaps, but that's not the point of the exercise."
I pressed my hands to my face and groaned. "Then what is? I feel weird and jumbled up inside."
He put the clipboard down and gripped my shoulders, waiting until I moved my hands off my face. "Simply this. We all have to protect ourselves. Should you assess that the man standing across the dance floor from you, the one pressing you to a bed, the one offering his heart isn't genuine, but a fake, an actor of the highest caliber, then you have your out, little dove. You simply make the assessment and dismiss your own feelings for nothing more than-"
"Playing the part given me." I blinked a few times as realization set in. "What aren't you telling me? Is Ethan playing me?"
He shrugged and turned his back to me. "No clue what my protégé is doing. We don't talk much anymore."
"Clayton." I moved up to stand beside him. "Hey. Tell me what you know. I'm serious right now."
He glanced over at me. "Oh, I know you are. I don't have anything to tell you. Ethan is a great actor and he at times will confuse real life with what he's required to do on the set. Just be careful, Riley. I care about you and him both. Just assess, make your determination and act accordingly. Make sense?"
"Yeah." I nodded and walked to pick up my bag. "Anything else?"
He glanced over his shoulder. "No. That was beautiful."
"Thank you. Your performance was as well."
"If it was a performance at all, right?" He chuckled, leaving me more unnerved than I thought possible.
"Exactly." I opened the door and walked down the hall, making my way to the women's restroom as two women stood in the hall laughing.
"No, he didn't," one of them spoke softly.
"He did. I told you him and Deza had something going on." She glanced back at me. "Oh, hi Riley."
"Hey guys." I had no clue who they were.
"Did you see the latest from Ethan? I swear that guy lives for drama."
Sickness bubbled up inside of me. "Um, no. What's going on now?"
"This." She handed me her phone. The video was short and sweet. Him and Deza in a restaurant in the middle of down town. My lover, my agent and one hell of a kiss.
Assess, make the determination and act accordingly.
Right.
Chapter 22
Ethan
Every emotion possible raged through me on the way to the studio on Tuesday morning. Two days and
nothing from her. Were we back to playing hide-and-go-seek with each other? It sure as fuck felt like it.
I parked my Mercedes in my spot at the studio and got out. Anticipation swelled in my chest. Maybe she was there and just had a lot of shit going on. There was an explanation. There always was.
Trish stood beside the stage, facing me when I walked in. She gave me a weak wave and went back to talking to the girl next to her.
I glanced around to see if Riley was anywhere that I could get to her fast. Of course not. I walked toward Trish, knowing she would take it the wrong way if I didn't stop by and give my condolences on her divorce.
"Hey." I stopped beside her and a girl I'd never met before.
"Hey, Ethan. This is Patty."
The girl gave me a quirky smile and stuck out her hand. "I am by far your biggest fan. I've seen all your movies at least two million times."
"Two million? Really?"
She didn't pause while I spoke over her. "Your ads and videos. I've read your blog."
"Yep, don't have a blog. I hate commas, and they hate me."
Still didn't pause, not even to breathe.
"And those great commercials you did when you were a kid."
The best part - she did the rerun of the commercial on her phone.
Trish's eyes grew wide over the two-minute conversation, and she stepped in front of me and used what I could only imagine would eventually be her 'momma-voice'.
"Hey. Patty. Could you give us a second? I'm sure Ethan needs to get on set." Trish put her hands on her hips as I stood behind her. I almost felt blessed not to be the one getting her attention at the moment.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry." The girl laughed and rolled her eyes. "I just got wrapped up in Ethan, because, well, he's here and he's so beautiful."
She kept going, so I leaned around Trish and waved with a cheeky grin on my face. "I'm still here."
Trish glanced back at me. "You're not helping right now."