by Joe Jackson
Kari had a laugh at Erik’s expense. It was the first time she could remember seeing anyone have him at a disadvantage. His siblings laughed at him more openly, and even Eryn and the twins got a good chuckle out of his reaction.
“Twenty gold? She’d have to be coming to Tsalbrin for that kind of money,” Typhonix commented, which drew further laughter from the others. “Hey Grakin, how do you get a woman without having to pay her?”
The question hardly seemed to catch Grakin off guard. “Well, I believe you start by making her think it is not simply sex that you are after,” he answered with a smirk.
“So you lie?” Ty returned in a serious tone. Kari put her hand over her face and shook her head while the rest of the table erupted in further laughter. “Hmph, I thought honesty was supposed to get you somewhere.”
Kari half-shrugged and leaned her face in her palm. “You’re a big, strong, dangerous-looking man, Ty. You’re going to scare most of the girls you ever try to talk to. The way you talk doesn’t help, either: you’re not afraid to say what’s on your mind, and that’s going to turn a lot of girls away, too. If you want to find a woman, honestly…you need to make sure she’s not going to think you might hurt her.”
He seemed surprised by her candor, but Ty nodded after a moment. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said quietly.
“And don’t be such a jackass around them,” Sonja added evenly. Ty gave her an impatient look, but the others laughed again at the exchange.
“There’s one thing I want to add before dinner is finished,” Erik said. “I don’t want anyone walking the streets of this city alone. If you go out to visit another tavern or a shop or what-have-you, make sure you go with someone else. I know all of us are war veterans with the exception of the twins, but we can’t afford delays or accidents. Make sure you’re safe at all times, and the best way to do that is to travel in pairs or packs.”
Everyone nodded their agreement, and once they finished their meals, they all headed upstairs to check their rooms. Kari and Grakin’s dormitory was nearly the same size as the suite Kari had stayed in at the Bloodied Blade, with a private tub and a double-sized bed. Grakin turned up one of the bedside lanterns, undressed, and lay down on the bed with his book, and he looked up to Kari as she stood beside him, still armored. “I’m going to look around the city a little,” she said. “Probably with Sonja or Eryn. Maybe we can share a bath when I get back.”
Grakin smiled and bid her farewell, and when Kari met Eryn in the hallway, the two women descended to the common room and then headed out to the streets. Quiet blanketed the city like a burial shroud, and Kari was immediately put on her guard by the utter lack of activity. The night was still fairly young, and it was hard for her to imagine that the streets emptied out so thoroughly after dusk. Two of the moons were high in the sky, illuminating the city in a bright heavenly glow while their darkened sibling lagged beyond the horizon, and yet the shadows seemed deep and dangerous. Kari found that tinge of fear she’d felt on the boat sinking in again.
“It’s all right,” Eryn said after a minute, her glowing crimson eyes taking in the entire square. “This is eerie, but the streets really are as empty as they seem.”
Kari nodded and fell into step beside her companion. Though Kari could see well in the dark and especially in strong moonlight, her eyes were nowhere near as sharp as those of the half-brys woman. While all rir had the ability to see in low light much like a cat, the half-brys could see body heat when the light was insufficient for hunting; it was nearly impossible to hide from their all-seeing gaze. Still, Kari had lived for years on the streets of Solaris, and even so many years removed from that life and with her memories jumbled, the instincts remained just below the surface, keeping her alert and vigilant.
The two walked the city, crisscrossing the lower district, and noted where all of the shops and taverns were, where to find the stations of the constable and city watch, and where the other inns were. Eryn was insistent on stopping at every other inn they could find, merely having a glass of water at each while she watched what kind of traffic they saw. She explained that how crowded the inns were could tell one much about the city, whether there was excitement, danger, or even civil unrest coming. Kari took the lesson in attentively, appreciating the older woman’s willingness to share some of her experience.
Eventually the friends ventured into the middle district farther up the hill, and as Kari had suspected, the streets were cleaner, as were the homes and the gardens. Eryn was not so intent on visiting the inns there, and she further explained that the middle and upper classes generally didn’t head to inns and taverns when there was trouble. Instead, she explained, they barred themselves inside their homes and convinced themselves that nothing could touch them within their little fortresses. In the nicer district Eryn was more intent on finding clothing shops, food stores, and other businesses whose quality would meet a much higher standard in the classier neighborhood.
The two walked up the main avenue that led farther north to the zigzagging roads, but Kari stopped suddenly as something caught her eye. She looked up to behold a wooden sign that swung lightly in the ocean breeze. It was perched above the door of a school, intricately carved to read The Apple and the Tree, and was further marked with a picture of an apple tree with several loose fruits around its base. Eryn was staring at her, but Kari hardly noticed.
“Did you go here when you were a kid?” the half-brys woman asked at last.
“Yes...I think so, but…they never listened to me,” Kari said. She wasn’t even sure what she meant with her own words, her memories still cloudy.
Eryn touched Kari’s shoulder briefly and Kari flinched and backed away a step before she regained her composure. There was something about the city and the school sign that pierced the foggy veil of Kari’s distant past, but she was still having a hard time piecing it together. She shook the thoughts away after a moment and motioned up the road with her head, and Eryn fell into step as Kari continued along.
“Did the other kids make fun of you when you went to that school?” Eryn guessed, but she didn’t wait for Kari to answer. “I got picked on all the time as a kid. The other half-demon children were all bigger and stronger than I was, so even they picked on me.”
“I tried to tell the teachers...but they never listened,” Kari said quietly. She scratched the side of her head and cast one last glance back at the school and its wooden sign. There was a vague sense of anger that simmered below the surface, as though whatever hurtful shadows were concealed in the hazy recesses of her mind involved the teachers and administrators of the school. Eryn’s suggestion of bullying didn’t seem to fit, but Kari still couldn’t remember fully. She sighed and went quiet again, and she and Eryn quickened their pace.
“Teachers never wanted to hear it from me, either,” Eryn said. “They always insisted that being picked on and hurt made you stronger, so it was good for you. Even my father’s status as head of the Five Clans never seemed to make them think twice about it. I sure didn’t feel bad when that whole city was burned to the ground.”
Kari stopped and turned to look at the school once more. Eryn’s mention of her father disrupted the waters of Kari’s hazy mind like a brick being tossed into a puddle. When Kari looked at the school again, she recalled what it was she’d told the teachers, and the fact that they’d never listened struck her so much more poignantly. Kari was acutely aware of Eryn’s stare and worked hard to keep from breaking down. She fought with every ounce of her will to keep herself together, afraid to break down in front of her half-brys companion and end up the target of far too many questions from her other friends. “I shouldn’t have come back here,” Kari said steadily. “Let’s go back to the inn.”
It was clear Eryn wanted to see the higher-class neighborhoods of the city while it was night and few were out and about, but she seemed to understand that Kari was uncomfortable and needed to see Grakin. Eryn kept silent as they walked back through the city, showing once a
gain that though she was perceptive toward others’ thoughts and feelings, she simply lacked the ability to properly express sympathy. Kari remained completely silent as they passed along the slightly dirty streets to the inn. Eryn offered to share a drink with her once they returned, but Kari waved her off and simply asked the innkeeper for a double-godhammer. Once she had the drink in hand, she retired to her room.
Grakin was still reading when Kari entered, but he smiled, closed his book, and put it on the night table. His face took on a look of concern when Kari swallowed the entire glass of liquor in a single long swig. “Is everything all right?” he asked. He sat up on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch her elbow.
Kari shied away from his touch and placed the empty glass on the night table. She still struggled to keep herself together. Despite the love between her and Grakin, she found she didn’t want to talk about what she’d felt with him, either. “I’m not feeling well,” she said. “I think I’m just going to try to get some sleep.”
Kari undressed and crawled past Grakin to lay down on the other side of the bed with her back to him. Grakin simply brushed her hair away from her cheek and kissed her softly. He lay down beside her, but Kari kept her wings slightly fanned, so he kept his distance. As the alcohol settled into her, Kari drifted into a troubled sleep. The night was quiet, but the alcohol only kept its grip on her for so long before the memories of her childhood smashed through the barriers that had kept them at bay since her resurrection.
Kari sat upright in the bed and looked around in a panic. Grakin startled awake at her sudden motion and reached up to lightly touch her elbow. “No!” Kari cried. “No, no, no, no...” Grakin sat up and put a hand to her shoulder, but before he could even say a word, Kari ducked away, jumping awkwardly to the side, and she fell out of bed and landed on her rump. Grakin moved to the edge of the bed and started to sit up, but Kari pushed herself away from him, shuffling to put her back to the wall below the window. For years she had been unable to tap into her memories, but now she was caught in the worst of them.
“Karian?” Grakin asked gently, moving toward her slowly.
Kari put her hands to the side of her bed as the bell tolled the fifth hour. She kept saying don’t each time the bell tolled, trying to push herself away from Grakin, even with her back to the wall. She curled into an upright fetal position as he got close to her and he stroked her face gently. “It is all right, Kari, you are all right.”
She punched him, sending him onto his side, and she screamed, “MAMA! MAMA!” Kari sprang to her feet, ran to the door, and put her back to it. There was nowhere to run; she was trapped, and despite crying out for her mother, she knew the woman wouldn’t come. Kari slid down to a crouch and wet herself, completely terrified as years of abuse flooded to the surface of her mind. Grakin rose to his feet unsteadily, rubbing his aching jaw, but as he started to approach, Kari bared her teeth in a snarl.
Someone banged on the door and Kari perked up with a small glimmer of hope. “Mama? Mama, help me!”
Someone hit the door from the outside with their weight, and it nearly came off of its hinges but for Kari leaning against it. The shock of the pain clutched her like a clawed hand, dragging her further into the nightmare and refusing to relinquish its hold. “NO! Mama, help, please...mama....”
Wild panic overtook Kari and she sprang to her feet again. In the span of a heartbeat she opened the door and rushed out, pushing near-blindly through the strange forms gathered in the hall. She paused at the top of the stairs, but when she turned back to the door of her room and saw the people approaching, her eyes widened in terror and she panicked again. “No, no, no!” Kari shouted, and she rushed down the stairs and out the front door of the inn before anyone could even yell for her to stop.
Kari sprinted down the long, near-deserted moonlit streets of Flora, oblivious to the fact that she was still naked or that there were people who stared after her as she ran. Her heart was pounding but she kept her pace, putting as much distance between herself and her attacker as she could. She ran until she came to the edge of the city, her breathing and her pulse heavy as she crested the hill that separated the city from its cemetery. She glanced across the tombstones, but her gaze whipped back over the city, trying to discern movement or any pursuit. In the light of the moons she couldn’t see anyone approaching. She had escaped.
Her heartbeat eventually slowed and her breathing did so as well, and Kari’s mind cleared when she realized she was cold and naked and standing on a hill outside of town. She put her hand to her temple, trying to figure out if what she’d just experienced was real or if she’d run out here in the haze of a waking nightmare. Far in the distance, Kari could just barely make out the masts of Karmi’s Sword sitting in the harbor, and she realized it had been a dream – a very real, very wakeful one, but a dream nonetheless. She wondered why she was alone, though, and how she had gotten so far from the inn without at least Grakin following after her.
Kari considered what she had just gone through, and she turned and walked into the graveyard. The short, dew-laden grass was cool under her feet. She followed the tombstones, arranged by year, and she was able to find the area she was looking for. The moonlight filtered in between the trees, illuminating even those headstones that stood under the shelter of the branches, and within minutes, Kari found what she was looking for. The tombstones were all in one place: the entire family’s except for Kari’s own. Her breath was shaky as she read the inscriptions, and when her eyes passed over the words beloved husband and father, Kari put her hand to the end of her snout and sobbed.
She wasn’t aware of the two people that approached, too wrapped up in the pain of her past which, though it had subsided a bit, still stabbed deeply when she read the insulting epitaph on her father’s grave. When she realized she was no longer alone, Kari turned and saw Eryn and Typhonix through the blur of her tears. The two seemed unsure of how to approach, and only then did it occur to Kari what she’d done: she’d struck her mate forcefully and fled. Her heart skipped a beat as she considered that having hit him would only compound the darkness of her past, and she wondered: would he ever accept her again?
“Help me,” Kari whispered. “Please, help me.”
She sank to her knees, and the last thing she remembered was Typhonix picking her up.
*~*~*~*
Kari slept until midmorning. When she sat up in bed, Grakin ran his hand gently down her arm. She tensed up at first, still not completely free of her nightmares, but Grakin took up her hand and interlaced his fingers with hers. He didn’t try to hug her or get too close; he gave her some space, and Kari sighed quietly as she considered what to say. She took some comfort in the fact that he’d apparently slept beside her throughout the night, and even now was making an effort to get close to her. Had she woken up alone, she wouldn't have been surprised.
Kari turned to look at him at last, and he stared at her in his loving, gentle way to let her know he was worried about her. She reached toward him tentatively and Grakin happily rubbed his face in her palm. “I hit you last night, didn't I?” she asked, nearly choking on the words.
Grakin sat up beside her and maintained strong eye contact. “Do not concern yourself with that,” he said with a shake of his head. “You were scared; I know you did not mean to. Do not concern yourself with it.”
Kari began to cry, and Grakin pulled her into his tender embrace. He held to her tight but didn’t ask any questions. He made soft sounds to hush her and soothe her, and the soft caress of his hand stroking her cheek helped ease her tensions and her fear. He had not forsaken her, and he was trying to bring her out from her private hell. Kari wasn’t sure he understood, and was even less sure about how many of the others would know or suspect what had broken her. She decided after several long, comforting, quiet minutes that Grakin deserved to know. She rose up to a sitting position again, and though she had a hard time maintaining eye contact, she began to tell him what had happened.
�
��It was a sign,” she said quietly, and she closed her eyes and blew out a sigh. “A sign outside the school I went to when I was a little girl; it was still there.” Grakin stayed silent but held her hand in his with the fingers interlaced. “I told the teachers there. I told them all the time, but they never listened,” she said. “No one believed me. They all knew, but they pretended not to. So I had to run away.”
Grakin let out a short sigh, and Kari lay down with her head in his lap. He stroked her hair softly and she put her hand on his thigh. “What did you have to run away from, my love?” he asked. “What happened?”
“I was dia…diagnosed with Dracon’s Bane when I was a little girl,” she said. “My parents never told me. But my father took out his frustration on me…I remember now, he used to beat me when I was little. But after a while, beating me wasn’t enough anymore; he said he wanted to break my heart the way I’d broken his.”
Grakin cocked his head and Kari paused, closed her eyes, and let out another sigh. “I was nine the first time he raped me,” she said, and it almost sounded like someone else had spoken. She had never told anyone before, not in her past life and not in this one. She had buried that ugly truth for years, but the confusion and disorientation that had come with being resurrected had fractured her will. The broken shards of the memories stabbed ever more painfully, and despite her fear that Grakin would reject her, Kari felt like she needed him to know, needed his strength and his comforting love to quell the pain and the fear. And if he wouldn't give it….
It wasn't often that Kari saw Grakin at a complete loss for words. “Your father...molested you?” he practically hissed. “Gods, Kari…I had no idea.”
She shook her head, trying to dislodge the memories’ grip on her heart, but still she continued, “When I was fourteen I ran away. I hitched a ride with a wagon train headed up to Solaris and never looked back. I had forgotten it for a while...after I spent the time as Suler’s mistress” – there was an unmistakable look of shock on Grakin’s face, but he didn’t interrupt – “I was happy for a time, and I’d pushed the memories down. After I was brought back, I had the shadows in my dreams, but they were never real. But when I saw the school sign, it all came flooding back. These aren’t just nightmares, Grakin: they’re memories. Now I remember: this is why I didn’t want to come back. I never should have come back here, and I...I shouldn’t have deceived you.”