I’d ruined her life. She’d ruined her life by having me, she’d tell me. Wasn’t that enough? I’d go away, whether it was a toddle when I was a small child, or I'd walk away with a broken heart, but eventually I stopped asking for her attention. I’d stopped asking for anyone’s attention, outside of business.
Even my adoptive parents found it hard to get me to take part in activities with them for a long time. I called them now, and went back to see them, but I never asked for their attention for myself. I thought it still sometimes bothered them, and I knew Mom worried, but I was a grown man now.
Well, I was until Stephanie came along and turned me into a puddle of mud. She’d taken all of my will it seemed, and now, when I was at my weakest, was the wrong time to make decisions.
I’d work more on the contract tomorrow and have it ready for the following day. Then, I’d give it to her. She’d either sign it or she wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if she refused to sign it or tried to avoid it. I didn’t want to end what we had, but I needed that solid wall between us again.
I already had a feeling it was too late to build a wall around my heart. I’d wanted that piece of paper in place so that neither of us would fall in love, so that we would know where we stood with each other. I had to get that back in place or else we’d both fall. If it wasn’t already too late.
As couples gave us compliments when we left the dance floor, and I saw her beaming face, I had a feeling it was far too late. The horse was already out of the barn, as my dad would have said. Both of them.
Emily
Dylan was still asleep when I got up the next morning, and I let him sleep. I’d noticed last night he’d started to look tired well before his normal bedtime. I knew he had a lot on his plate right now, though I didn’t dare ask for details. He’d gone to sleep almost as soon as we got home, and now, he was still asleep.
I hoped he wasn't coming down with something. I went into the kitchen to find something for breakfast and found some orange juice, a couple of frozen waffles for myself, and fried up some sausage while the coffee did its thing. I glanced through the paper that always appeared at the front door every morning.
Nothing new there, the same old misery, doom, and gloom. I rifled through it until I found the comics and the daily word cross and sat to eat and fill in the puzzle.
By the time I finished, Dylan was stirring around in the bedroom. I heard him cry out in pain and ran into the bedroom to check on him. “What’s wrong, Dylan?”
“It’s just my back. I guess last night’s dancing aggravated it. Can you get me an ice pack? There’s some in freezer.” He had been trying to get out of bed, I could see that, so I pushed his legs back up onto the mattress and went to fetch the ice pack. I soon had it wrapped in a towel and pushed it behind him.
I put some extra pillows behind him and looked down at him with concern. “Do you need a doctor?”
His back had really been giving him trouble lately, and it was starting to worry me.
“No.” He shook his head and spoke again. “There isn’t a lot they can do it for it. It’ll ease off in a little while. Don’t worry. Is that coffee done by any chance?”
“Just a second. Do you want something to eat?” I paused at the doorway.
“Not just now, no. Just some coffee would be good.” His smile was tight but grateful.
My poor man, in there hurting. “Do you have any pain pills, Dylan?”
“Yes, in the bathroom. I’ll get them in a few minutes. As soon as this eases a little.”
I poured coffee in to a mug, added some of the hazelnut liquid creamer he liked, and took it to the bedroom. Once he’d taken the cup, I went into the bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet. I found the pills he needed and brought him one.
“Should you take this on an empty stomach?” I asked as I held the pill out.
He just shook his head and swallowed the pill down with a drink of his coffee. I couldn’t do that, take pills with hot drinks, but he didn’t seem to choke at all.
“No, probably not, but I need it. This isn’t easing off.”
“I’m going to make you a hot pack to put on there. Maybe that would be better.” I went in and wrapped a dish towel into a pad, soaked it with water, put it in a plastic zipper bag, then heated it up in the microwave. I wrapped that in another towel and took it in to him. “Maybe we should alternate.”
He looked miserable, and my heart broke for him. He didn’t deserve this, not when things were going good. He’d seemed so happy lately, much less broody and stony than he used to be. He didn’t say much about what was going on with the resort, but I knew it must be good. He never came home angry or resigned, like he’d used to.
His phone rang just as I took the ice pack to the freezer, and I carried it in to him. I knew he’d want to answer it, whoever it was.
“Hey, John. I can’t make that meeting today. Tomorrow maybe? Yeah? Good, thank you. I really appreciate it.”
I wandered off, determined not to listen. I didn’t want any ammunition to be aimed at me when, and if, he finally found out who I was. I’d managed to distract him for the last couple of days, and he’d managed to keep the word ‘contract’ out of his mouth with great care. He hadn’t said it, and there was only three days left.
I thought about the words of one of my favorite songs. If I could go back to the night I’d met him, I’d tell him my real name. I wouldn’t admit who my family was because it was a common enough name, but I would tell him my real name. I’d started to hate ‘Stephanie’. Even if Stephanie was me. That wasn’t my name. My name was Emily, and the secret had started to burn like a destructive fire within me.
I had to get past this contract thing, then, somehow, I had to tell him who I was. Right after, if I was to salvage any of this. Until then, I’d keep my real identity a secret. If we made it past the point of no return, then I’d tell him.
Guilt ate at me, and I poured my attention into making some lunch for him. He’d fallen asleep after the phone call. Around eleven he woke up and tried to get up to go to the bathroom. I had to help him get out of bed, but once he was on his feet, he seemed okay, even if he was bent over a little.
I knew he wouldn’t want further help, so I didn’t argue with him. He came back to bed, and I kissed him as he settled onto the pile of pillows.
“Thank you, babe,” he whispered with a smile. “I’m sorry I’m so useless today.”
“No, don’t be! You need help, and I’d be a troll not to help you.”
“Thanks.” He squeezed my hand, and before I knew it, he was asleep again.
Now, I had a light soup simmering for him, for when he woke up. He needed to eat something, or those pills would make him sick. They were prescription pain killers, not just a little dose of aspirin.
Whatever it was, it was something his doctor knew about. I’d seen a row of boxes in that medicine cabinet. I didn’t recognize most of the medicines, but I saw one was for neuropathy and another for muscle spasms. Maybe that would do him better, I thought, and got up to get one of those for him.
I put it on the tray I arranged for him once he’d woken up again. He started to binge watch a new show on Netflix by then, and I didn’t want to interrupt him, but he paused the show.
“I can’t believe this is how I’m spending my day, but I’m damn glad you’re here to help.”
“I’m glad I can be of help to you, sir.” I gave him a wink and smirk, and he cringed with a smile of his own.
“Oh, don’t get me started. I can barely stand up right now.”
“I can’t help it if having you helpless in bed is sexy.”
“Oh, here comes the dom streak! Are you going to tie me down and use me then, Miss?”
I felt my eyebrow lift and my lips twitched as I tried to hold back my amusement. He’d given me such a naughty schoolboy look!
“I will spank you, you know, sir?” I held my hand up as if in warning, and he rolled his eyes and shuddered.
&
nbsp; “Oh no, please, miss! I’ll be a good boy.” He even had the nerve to put on an English accent. The bastard!
I laughed out loud and pecked him on the forehead. “You’re too feeble to spank right now anyway. Eat your soup and be a good boy.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he grumbled, and I kind of liked this pouty side of him.
As he’d said, I did feel a little dominant right now, and I was surprised to find I liked it. The role reversal wasn’t something I’d want to continue, but for now, it was fun.
I left him to eat, and when I went back a half hour later, I found his bowl empty, the show had moved on to the next episode, and he was fast asleep. The pain pill must be really strong. Of course, the muscle relaxer would probably make him sleepy too.
I ordered some groceries with a delivery service then made roasted garlic chicken and pasta alfredo, from scratch, with some sautéed asparagus to go with it for dinner. He was fed, at least, I thought, but he was soon asleep again.
He hadn’t had more medicine, and that made me wonder if this was more than just a back ache. Although, pain could make you sleep.
I thought about those other pills in the medicine cabinet and looked them up. One was for tremors; the other was for inflammation. Well, obviously, he had something going on. I just wasn’t sure what. He’d tell me if he wanted me to know, I decided. Or if it was something that would be a problem for me. Meaning, if it was something that I could catch, he’d have told me a long time ago.
It was his business, I concluded. Even if I didn’t like the secret. I had my own, though, so who was I to raise hell about one? No, it was better to leave it alone and just take care of him. It seemed he’d already been to a doctor about it, so there wasn’t anything more I could do. Unless he became worse.
I spent the rest of the evening in bed with him, watching a few movies I’d wanted to see. He slept through most of it, but he woke up once to go to the bathroom and again to ask for something to drink.
I changed his packs from hot to cold and kept him as comfortable as I could.
Sometime in the middle of the night, he woke me up. He was wrapped around me, and I didn’t think he’d quite realized that I wasn’t asleep. Or maybe he was still asleep, I didn’t know, but I held still.
“I’m nothing without you, Stephanie,” he said when I first woke up. His head was right behind mine, his arms tight around me. “Please, stay with me.”
It was a weak moment for him, and I didn’t want to say anything. I knew he thought I was asleep, otherwise he’d never admit to something like that. It made my heart race, though, and my skin went hot all over.
Maybe this could work out. One day, we might be past all of this. We’d have no more contracts, no more secrets, and we’d be at peace. Maybe, one day, we’d even have a family of our own, one that we both planned and wanted.
I’d go off my birth control, and we’d just make babies and raise our kids. I was kind of shocked I’d even considered it. I’d spent most of my adult life taking care of my brothers and then their children. I’d thought I hadn’t wanted a child of my own, but with Dylan snuggled up behind me, well, I kind of liked the idea.
I wasn’t really interested in marriage, but if I could spend the rest of my life with him? Well, that would be nice too. I felt him relax behind me, and before long, he’d started to snore again.
Through the night, he got up a few times, and by the time morning came, he was almost back to himself. I woke up and found him in the living room, the television on and coffee ready in the pot.
“Hi, babe. Thank you for taking care of me yesterday,” he said as soon as I walked in. “I bet your beat!”
“I’m alright. How are you?” I snuggled into this side, and he pulled me in close. It was incredible how much this felt like home. Here, against him, was my home now.
“What are you plans for the day?” he asked, and I leaned back to look at him.
“I have a function to go to around lunch for the charity, and I need to go and check my mail, see if the house has been ransacked. I need to pick up a few things there too.”
“Okay. Well, I’m going to be around here if you need me. My back is better, but I’m not sure I can manage a lot of walking around today. You okay by yourself?” He kissed my forehead, and I grinned.
“Of course, I am. I always am. I’ll probably be gone most of the day, so if you need to have a meeting here, don’t worry that I’ll interrupt.”
“Alright. Keep your phone charged. I might need you.”
“I will, don’t you worry.” I kissed him on the cheek, got up, and went to have a shower. I was glad he was feeling better, but at the same time, couldn’t help but wonder if he was really better. I knew Dylan enough to know the man had a will made of iron, and he was likely just pushing himself to get up.
He wouldn’t let someone wait on him for long, I knew that much. That was probably a good thing, I decided as I dressed a little while later. Whatever was wrong with him, he wouldn’t complain about it for long.
I dried my hair, dressed, did my face, and left to head to my home first. I needed some papers from there and gathered my mail. I’d go through that later this evening, before I went up to see Dylan. I couldn’t take the mail in because he’d see my real name, and down in the parking garage, I could throw away what I didn’t need to keep so he wouldn’t see it.
By the time I made it to the charity event, a luncheon for local women getting back on their feet, I was focused on what I needed to do. I’d donated a large sum of money to the group and wanted to see how things were working out. Some of the women had needed money for new work clothes and clothes to go to an interview, others needed a grant for babysitting, and others had used some of the money to take classes. Each one was flourishing, but I spotted one off to herself.
I hadn’t dressed too swanky, a pair of slacks and a soft white sweater seemed like a comfortable and neutral choice.
“Why are you off to yourself over here, Melissa?” I asked the woman with curly dark hair. Around my age, she had been homeless six months ago, but now, she had a home, a job, and a direction to head in.
“I knew you’d be busy with the others, I didn’t want to intrude.” She was also very shy, this pretty young woman.
“Melissa! Don’t be silly. Tell me how you are!” I smiled at her and pulled her down to a table for a chat.
“I’m good, Emily. Really good. I can’t thank you enough. Really.” Her smile was as bright as the morning sun, and I felt pride in making sure that smile beamed once again.
“I’m glad to have helped, Melissa. Now come on, stop being so shy, and make some friends.”
I pulled her into the group of other women, and before long, she was smiling and laughing, just like the rest. This was why I hadn’t totally let my responsibilities go. People depended on me and needed me. I could lose myself in Dylan, but I would always have one foot on the ground for this. It was vital, and I knew I could never let them down.
Dylan
Symptoms that was all it was. I reminded myself of that as my lawyer left the apartment. The deal was almost done, and I’d had to sign a few other papers for the business, so he’d come to pay me a visit. I shut the door, my hand gripped at the spot that ached on my back. It felt as if the muscle was hard spasm and wouldn’t loosen.
I’d gritted my teeth to get out of bed early that morning and make some coffee, but I’d managed it. The doctor I’d seen a few months ago had said things would probably get bad, but I hadn’t known it would hurt like this. The good news was, if I kept on the medication and exercised, then I could hold it off. Most of the time.
I went to the couch and sank down; a sigh of relief escaped my lips as I did so. It hurt so much less when I sat. I’d enjoyed Stephanie’s brand of nursing and thought how nice it would be if I needed her to care for me again in the future. Not that I’d wish that on her, but if I needed it, I knew she’d be there. She’d still be here today if I hadn’t pretended to be perfectly fine
.
A new twinge of pain reminded me that love was pain, and pain came with love. Which made me cringe, poetry? That was where I was now? Poetic thoughts?
I found a show on Netflix and turned it on, but time after time, my thoughts turned to the incredible woman I now called mine. I’d really liked how she’d been with me. Would she always be that way? Kind, gentle, and caring? She’d even made my favorite soup, when I told her about it.
I could have it all, maybe. If I played this right. A beautiful resort here in South Carolina, a beautiful woman by my side, and something I’d never had from a woman before. Romantic love.
Alright, so that last part was my own fault. It wasn’t that I blamed a woman for not loving me, but I’d built walls around my heart. Miss Stephanie had just smiled them all down was the problem. That smile of hers was infectious. It had been like a virus that infiltrated my heart and had slowly torn pieces out of that wall, until it was gone.
All that was left for me to do was to admit to myself that what I felt for her was far more than lust, or even affection. I cared for her. Deeply.
That shook me, as it always did, when I allowed myself to think about it. I wasn’t the kind…
“It seems I am,” I said to the empty room.
This could be my life, I thought: empty rooms, depressing quiet, and loneliness, if I played it all wrong. Or it could be the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced. Could I keep without losing my heart, though?
Or had I already lost that?
I turned the show off and ran my hands over my face. Music. Maybe that would help. YouTube opened, and the first item on offer was Bruce Springsteen’s I’m on Fire. Fucking hell.
I scrolled past it and glared at the screen. I loved all genres and eras of music, but that song hit too close to the bone right now. I found some country music to play and tried to go back to writing up the contract. I’d had it out before the lawyer arrived and now took it back up.
Dark Secret Page 10