“It’s because you’re aroused. Sexually aroused.”
Her eyes shot open and her jaw dropped with a sudden intake of breath.
He took a step back. “Adara?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t touch yourself tonight. Don’t give yourself release. Good night, sweetheart.” He dotted her nose before turning on his heel and walking out of the room.
His groan echoed hers.
He caresses me like…a lover, and then doesn’t kiss me? Then just—leaves? Damn!
Adara woke up screaming, the remnants of her nightmare holding her in a state of terror. Imaginary whips inflicted pain while the echoes of sadistic laughter filled her mind.
“Adara? Adara! It’s just a nightmare. You’re all right. You’re safe.”
Strong hands held her snugly against a warm, lightly furred chest while hallway light created shadows over the arms binding her to the muscled frame. She struggled in vain until the sound of his soft crooning cut through the haze in her foggy mind.
Julien.
Her heart shattered, the sobs wracking her body. Tears streaked her face.
“Shhh, sweetheart, it’s all right now. No one’s going to hurt you.”
With a forwardness unknown, she wound her arms around Julien’s waist and pulled him tight. With his bare chest against her cheek, the scent of aftershave curled around her chest to shed light on her nightmare.
The smattering of hair, soft against her skin, and the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat against her cheek lulled her into a sense of security where worries washed away the tide of terror threatening her sanity.
“Hey, babe. You all right now?”
She nodded, his hair tickling her chin. The deep rumble of his voice soothed her fears, yet shadows lingered in the corners of her room. “Can you stay for a few minutes?”
“Sure, sweetheart, want me to lie beside you? I’ll stay above the covers so you can relax.”
He offered comfort. She knew in her heart, he wouldn’t take advantage. Of all the clients who’d walked into his office, she’d never known him to use his knowledge or position for personal gain. “Can you hold me close?”
“Sure. Lie back and put your head on my shoulder. You can tell me about your nightmare. This time we’ll put a different spin on it. Eventually it won’t bother you.”
“Thanks, Julien.” In that moment, she knew she could tell him anything.
Chapter Nineteen
Last night’s intimacy surpassed anything Adara had ever experienced. To realize it came without pain demonstrated another life-changing event. True to his word, Julien had held her snug, crooning softly in her ear or stroking her arm or hair every time she stirred.
The warmth of his body curled against hers inspired an inner peace and security. When his fingers rested under her breast, it made her long for this peculiar life to last forever. An image popped to mind, unbidden, where decades in the future, they lay entwined and satisfied. Her inner demons didn’t refute the possibility. The fact he provided comfort instead of rekindling her arousal spoke to his integrity and honor.
Disappointment surged to the fore when she woke up to find him gone, yet the lingering scent of his aftershave on the other pillow confirmed the night entailed more than a dream.
Light sleeping and early rising was a habit of circumstance, the cold reality of daylight normally shedding light on new bruises or remembered terror. Now, the sun streaming through the window warmed her soul.
Concern over going to work after Jackie’s fiasco at Joe’s seemed trivial compared to the security of staying with Julien. Though the office bitch wouldn’t be there, it didn’t mean the other girls wouldn’t pick up where she left off. Except for Maura. Either way, the old Adara was emerging and would survive. I’ve always been a survivor.
Plush carpeting on the stairs cushioned her steps as she headed toward the kitchen. The open floor plan looked even more impressive in the light of day. The gourmet cook’s dream included granite countertops that shone under glass-fronted cabinets and an L-shaped island that sectioned off the kitchen from the dining area and great room. A large pot rack held an assortment of gleaming copper and stainless steel pots and pans.
It occurred to her that the openness of the layout was antithesis to its owner’s personality. Mysteries and secrets cloaked the essence of Julien. How had he developed the arcane knowledge that let him anticipate her thoughts?
He’d given her the choice to strip and trust him, or revert to her old ways. In the end, he’d respected her boundaries. He worshiped her with his gaze but only touched where she allowed, giving her power over her body, if not its response.
Damn it. Years of living in fear hadn’t wiped the memories of loving parents, content and unashamed to share affection. I will have what they had.
It was time to take what he offered, grab it with both hands and hang on for dear life. What she couldn’t fathom was his ultimate goal or how long their interlude would last. In the end, it didn’t matter since it wouldn’t change her mind.
Still, he withheld something of himself each time they shared a quiet moment, a vital part, the vulnerable part. He’d given her the bare bones, structure of his life since the Special Forces, yet not opened his spirit. In remaining aloof he relegated her to something like a science project.
He brought her body to a fever pitch yet never took anything for himself. Secrets wrapped in a puzzle. “Oh, hi.” The object of her desire melted her heart with a smile. “Can I cook you breakfast?”
At the counter sipping coffee and gazing out at the turbulent ocean sat a man used to controlling his environment. What would he think while contemplating the untamable ocean? Nika sat at his feet.
An open window brought in the slight salty breeze. Without experience, she had no clue what to expect after sharing a bed, if not her body. He makes me strip and then drives me crazy for the want of his touch, brings me to the point of madness, yet denies himself. He’d recognized the desire written on her face—and refrained from further exploration. He held her after night terrors assaulted her dreams, comforted her in the dark, again without touching her sexually. His actions induced emotional whiplash.
“That would be great, kitchen’s well stocked, anything you’d like to have.”
The idea of serving him made her smile. When she turned from the fridge to face the counter, he stood in front of her, taking the eggs and setting them near the cooktop.
Uh-oh.
Not a whisper of sound had he made, silent as a jungle cat, which made her prey. Her heart beat triple time and a trembling began deep in her mind. She gulped, wondering about his next move.
“Adara?” His voice equaled a gentle caress, so at odds with his shoulder-width stance and imposing appearance.
“Yes?”
“Do you have confidence in me and do you still want to move forward?”
“Um, yes…and yes. I do, Julien.” Oh God, where’s he going with this?
“Take your clothes off. Now.”
“Um, okay.” After a night of restlessness and want, a little mental preparation put her in the right frame of mind. A reassuring glance to the side of the house—the living wall of timber provided seclusion and gave her comfort despite the many windows providing a fishbowl effect. Her slacks pooled at her feet before she nudged them to lie beside her shoes. Shirt, bra and panties followed. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
His gaze burned a path from her head to her feet. Please, please touch me.
“Do you know why I’m doing this, Adara?”
“Yes. You’re desensitizing me. Getting me comfortable around men, comfortable with my own body.”
“No. Not men—me. Now. What parts of your body are off-limits to my touch?”
Oh God. “Um, none?” She stood naked in front of him, in his kitchen, praying he would make love with her. Her hands rested at her sides, the need to cover herself gone. Just his presence made her feel alive, his touch—cherished.
“It’s an answer—none. You have access to touch wherever you want.”
“Touch with what?”
She paused—frowned before dawning occurred. “Um, anything but your—um…”
His arched brow told her he’d wait for an answer.
“Um, your penis.”
Though she’d watched him slowly raise his hand to cup her cheek, she startled at the electric jolt arcing between them.
The slight air current of the air-conditioning across her nipples made them hard, aching. Her whole body tingled with excitement. She stood frozen, her mind whirling with possibilities. What else would he use to touch her?
“Mmm, your breasts like the AC.”
Through a haze of pleasure, she watched his hand drift down the curve of her neck to cup her breast. She flinched with contact.
“Easy, babe, not gonna hurt you. Just relax and enjoy—or tell me to stop.”
As he slowly kneaded her breast, she arched into his palm to give him more. The exquisite thrill rushing through her bordered on pain, and her eyes drifted shut on a sigh.
“Nice. Very nice. Tell me, does this make you wet?”
“What?” Her eyelids flew open. Surely he wasn’t referring to the dampness between her legs.
“You know what I’m talking about.” His gravelly voice made her legs wobble.
* * * *
“Um, yes.”
Her body swayed toward him as he rolled first one nipple, then the other, between his fingers. Nothing could stop the lust surging through his veins. “How about my mouth? Do you mind if I touch you with my mouth?”
Her back arched again, pressing her breast farther into his palm.
“Yes. Please, Julien.”
“Please what?”
“I ache, please…make it stop.”
“Where do you ache?”
“Down—there.”
Shifting weight and bunching muscles attested to the inferno scorching her body while a slight twist of her hips signaled the natural responses asserting dominance over uncertainty. From what he understood of her history, the stirrings were not entirely new, but still unsettling. In spite of her terrible history, there existed an innocence in her offering.
“Be glad to help, sweetheart. All in good time. All in good time.” With a gentle glide, he let his hands drift from her breast in a feather-light touch across her abdomen, her muscles twitching under his fingers.
The slight ridges of scar tissue on her torso brought a clenching in his gut. Though it didn’t detract from her beauty, the unusual deformities would be another obstacle she’d face in reconciling her self-esteem and new life. Most were faded, a few held the pink tinge of healing.
When he let his left hand skim around to her lower back, chills flowed under his touch. Her nipples rubbed against the soft material of his shirt. She moaned.
Soft, thick curls at the juncture of her thighs soothed his need to touch her in an intimate caress. She tried to slam her thighs shut—reflexive action.
He wedged his knee between. “Nuh uh. This is mine, sweetheart. Unless you tell me to stop. Is that what you want?”
“Oh, God. Please, Julien. I need…”
“Tell me what you need, Adara.” He palmed her mound, let one finger slide along the length before parting her slick folds to enter the haven within. Her hips bucked into his hand. “God, you’re so wet, so hot. Jesus, even with just one finger, you’re tight as hell.”
“I want you.” Her eyelids fluttered, her hands clutching his shoulders, shaking.
“Where?” He wanted pleasure to drive all thoughts of anyone else from her head. Her mindless bliss would sustain him, for now.
“Inside me.” Her arms slid up to grip his shoulders and hold on as if for dear life. Her legs shook.
“I am inside you. It’s wonderful, by the way.” To spread her juices around the nub of raw nerves and gently rub back and forth revealed her physical proof of arousal. Then an in-and-out slide produced a constriction in her sheath that clutched his finger. Again her thighs clenched and her hips tilted, adding friction to her core while his palm pressed a little harder. “Tell me exactly what you want, explicitly.”
“I want your cock inside me.” Her body rode his finger, her sheath milking him. When he inserted a second finger, she groaned and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him tighter.
“I’ll give you release, though not with my cock. That’s a decision you’ll have to make when you’re sexually sober.” Damn morals.
Her whimper supplied the only warning before she sagged against him. Scooping her up, he laid her down on the kitchen island, knowing the cool stone would add another sensation against her bare skin. Before him lay an innocent, offering herself, and he couldn’t refuse, even though he’d stay within her limits. His need consumed him, yet also held him in check.
Spreading her thighs, he stepped between to pull her forward against his groin, his shaft demanding the friction. His passion-addled mind recorded all thoughts centered on her body, her responses, and her pleasure.
When he bent to take an erect nipple into his mouth, she arched into him. His body was rock hard, yet he wanted to give this to her, needed to give this to her, to let her experience without the excess stimulation of his naked frame.
He hadn’t defined all her triggers, things that would sap passion out of the moment like the vacuum of deep space. For now, he’d send her to heaven with his mouth, carefully watching her responses, which told him she’d never experienced release. After all, sadists wouldn’t care enough to see her experience pleasure.
As he suckled one nipple and kneaded the other, her hips rocked against the bulge in his jeans, testing his restraint.
To step back for just a moment and drink in the sight of all the beautiful expanse of creamy, soft skin made his breath hitch. What she offered, her very soul, could never be taken. The fact others couldn’t understand that fact bewildered him. He could feel her passion blossom despite her inexperience, carnal hunger overwhelming her. He’d see her beg for release, let her know he could control her body while giving only pleasure. No fear. He watched her face, full of passion, and knew it hummed throughout her body. She squirmed under his hungry gaze.
Her folds glistened with arousal, her nub swollen and begging for his kiss. Jesus, he’d keep the mental snapshot front and center in his thoughts till the end of time. The sun streaming through the windows bathed her in soft golden light, a goddess offering nirvana. Shadows concealed her most treasured prize.
He trailed light nips followed by soothing kisses down her belly and she sobbed, her head whipping side to side. Well-toned stomach muscles constricted tighter when his tongue delved into her navel. His shaft tightened in response.
“What are you doing, Julien?” Her hands flexing in his hair drove him on.
“Gonna take care of you, sweetheart. Watch you fly to heaven.”
An attempt to shift away as he approached her core necessitated a firm grasp on her hips.
“No. Julien. What are you doing?” Confusion infused her tone.
He trapped the growl in his chest, then prayed he hadn’t scared her. His attention centered on her core and the need to taste her offering. With a dishtowel, he bound her wrists together and held them against her belly, his inner brute demanding control.
The ear-piercing scream splitting the air was born of a tortured animal. Her entire body convulsed, then thrashed without coordination. He released her hands immediately.
“Adara.” Her previously lust-glazed eyes now shone with terror. Shock at his lack of thought mobilized him—he’d gone too far, too fast. In self-disgust, he tossed the towel aside. This was something she’d already experienced…and not in a good way. Shit! “Look at me, Adara.”
Grasping her shoulders, he lifted her upper body and held her close, lightly rubbing her back. With gentle strokes, he let his fingers glide from shoulder to elbow and back. “Ad
ara. Look. At. Me. Now.”
“I’m sorry, I just freak out when anyone binds me.” Tears slid down her cheeks before he wiped them away. Anyone?
Minutes passed before she nestled against him.
Her small hiccup and defeated expression firmed his resolve. If he backed off now, the experience would be relegated to equal that of her family. It would add to her list of horrors and justify in her mind more emotional space between them. This called for a little innovation, to reassure her of control and grow in confidence. “Adara, I’m not going to hurt you. Let’s use this as a learning experience.”
“Learning experience?” She squirmed when he used the pad of his finger to softly scrub over her nipple.
This time, he began by drawing her lower lip between both of his and gently nibbling the soft flesh with his teeth. When he used his tongue to coax her mouth open, she didn’t resist.
No demand, just an insistent invitation.
Her body leaned forward into his, accepting. When he probed deeper and pulled her tighter, she melted against him. He groaned as she explored his back with her hands. Her touch was tentative, curious.
He hadn’t planned on going far enough to encounter triggers yet, but since his thoughtless actions activated one, he’d use it to her advantage. Time for a little show and tell. Julien rocked her gently, back and forth, crooning in her ear. “Tell you what, let’s try this a little differently.” Within seconds, her tremors stopped. “Take this towel, hold on to it with both hands, and put your arms above your head. Keep them there.”
“Yes, Julien. Please…”
“It’s alright, sweetheart. Believe that I only want you to feel pleasure.”
“I do.”
That shone from her gaze, too. As if handling a most treasured prize, he laid her down and kissed a trail from her neck to one erect nipple. Her entire body tensed when his finger circled her clit and then thrust gently into her tight sheath. When her thighs clenched against him this time, he wedged his shoulders in between. “You said I was free to touch, everywhere. Do you want me to stop?”
Carnal Beginnings: A dark romantic suspense (Carnal Series Book 1) Page 13