“No, I mean about saving our lives…mine and Liv’s.”
“Of course,” he says as he stares at me again with that intensity that grips my soul.
I stumble to think. “Umm…so how long will you stay…here…on earth?”
He sighs. “As long as I am needed,” he says. I stare at him intently, allowing the words to soak through me. There is a quiet between us, a space where we say nothing, but I continue to stare like a foolish girl. Giving a short and somewhat awkward wave, he begins to walk away. He glances back to see if I am going inside.
I shake myself back to my senses. “Of course, I need to get to bed.” I fumble through the doorway.
I spend the rest of the night in thoughts about him. Tossing from my back to my side, I cannot shake the image of his eyes staring at me and through me. I move from sheer joy of our meeting to anger that it should one day end to fear that he will never feel anything for me, a mortal. Then I scold myself for being so stupid. It’s probably just because he is an angel that I am so drawn to him. Still, even on that day when I saw him on the street, before I knew him as an angel, didn’t I feel that same pull.
He is the essence of stillness, a rock of certainty in the storms that surround me and I am a lost ship pulled toward him, unable to escape, destined to be broken on his shore. But nothing in me wants to escape it. And even as it passes, I feel a loss. He is an angel. He doesn’t belong here. Sooner or later he will leave and I will again be alone. My heart resists, pulling back. I can’t fall in love with him. It is forbidden. Still, the nature of the heart is always to the forbidden. Toward that which we cannot have. It is our misery and our ecstasy.
Flipping to my back, I scrunch up my fists at my side, cursing my heart for feeling anything. Why am I doing this to myself? Why can’t I control it? I will not fall in love, I say over and over again. But even as I say it, I do not believe it. It’s as if I am sitting on the train tracks, seeing the train coming, but I am unable to do anything to avoid it. In my mind, it’s as simple as stepping off the tracks, but in my heart I am chained to the tracks and the more I resist, the greater I am trapped.
Unable to resolve the emotions, I close my eyes and give into them. My resistance is gone and I am plunged into the uncertainty of it all. Fear pours through me and I want to push back, but then it settles and I am left there in that sacred place, that empty temple of serenity. There I am with him and no one else. It is still and I am at peace. His face is glowing out of the darkness and my heart burns with its intensity. I feel as though I am no longer in my body as if ‘I’, a separate being, no longer exist. It is only us. We are all that exists here.
I laugh with joy and it echoes through the halls of my dream. He takes me by the hand and leads me down the corridors of the temple to a room cast in shadow, with the exception of a slight crack of light, which reveals a group of circles, etched into the floor, and a woman sitting in the middle of them, her face hidden. There is one ring surrounded by six other rings. Ashur leads me up to the center ring, until I am standing in the middle of it. Then, letting go of me, he falls back into the shadow where I can no longer see him.
I want to go and look for him, but I can’t seem to leave the spot I am in. Next to me, the woman writes in chalk on the stone floor. A green velvet cloak covers her and all I can see is her hair spilling out the corners of the hood. She is writing letters in the circle, the same three letters in my locket. When she is done she slowly straightens, raising herself off her knees. Taking the hood with both hands, she pulls it back revealing her face. It’s my mother.
Around us, the shadows begin to mutter and hiss. “Do not speak.” “Not the words.” No mother, do not speak.”
My mother seems not to take notice of them. Instead, she begins chanting. “The Mother letters: Aleph, Mem, Shin. A great mystery covered and sealed with six rings. And from them emanated air water and fire. And from them were born the Fathers, and from the Fathers, descendents.”
The shadows begin to moan and gnash at the sound of her chanting. Their hissing grows louder and with greater intensity. “Do not speak, mother. Must not speak.” They try to move closer but cannot pass into the light. They are angry.
Still, my mother does not take notice. She continues to chant the three letters over and over. I want to tell her to stop, but I cannot speak. It’s as if I am not here. Her words become louder and I soon realize that they are no longer her words, but are mine. I am chanting them and she is gone, or I have become her. Nothing is clear to me here.
I only hear the words of the chant. “The mother letters: Aleph, Mem, Shin. A great mystery covered and sealed with six rings.”
A great rumbling comes from the earth and the shadows scream out. “Do not look into the face of the Black Sun.” I don’t know what they mean. Above me the sun shines brightly. The shadows continue to wale. “The Black Sun is risen.”
Another rumble comes from the earth, nearly toppling me over and then blackness settles over me. I look above me as the sun blackens almost like an eclipse, but instead of the sun being blocked out, the sun is emitting the darkness. “Behold the black sun,” the shadows echo as they enclose over me.
Where is Ashur? Why isn’t he protecting me? I am alone here. A feeling comes over me that this is not true. I hear a heavy breath in the darkness and the quick beating of a heart. There is a stirring among the blackened shadows and red embers begin to glow in the distance. They grow brighter as if being kindled from some unseen fire until they glow with a blood red radiance. They move in the darkness and I am aware that they are not embers at all, but eyes—eyes of some creature among the shadows. It is staring at me, seeing me. Though I cannot see the creature, I know that it is moving closer. I can feel its breath on me. It continues to stare. As my eyes adjust to this new light, I see its head lumbering over me. It is large with a hideous face like that of an ox. Horns pour from its temples reaching up to the sunless sky.
The shadows whisper, “In the darkness he is the light. The light of the black sun.”
The creature looks menacingly at me. I want to run, but I can’t. I am chained here by my own fear. My heart races. The creature reels back like an animal readying to strike, but instead of leaping, it emits a ferocious roar that rattles through me, completely unnerving me. In that instant, I am sure of my death. Then I awaken in my bed to the sound of a lawn mower. Ethan must be working on the yard with my dad. One thought crosses my mind. The shed.
Chapter 11
I spring from my bed with no thought of what I am wearing and race down the stairs, around the corner and out the back door. All the while, thoughts race through my head of Jeff, or worse Justine, discovering a strange man in their shed. I think of possible excuses. He is a transient I found on the street. No one would believe that, looking at him. He is an ex-boyfriend come to stay. More believable, but would certainly buy me a one way ticket to Juve’. No it’s best to completely deny any relation to him. I don’t know where he came from. The nerve of some people. Of course, the next obvious question is how he got Jeff’s clothes. This too I would deny.
I run down the stairs and through the kitchen. Justine is there reading a book. She is startled and quickly puts away her book, tucking it under the table. She begins to greet me, but I am already out the back door. As I step outside, I see that neither Jeff nor Ethan have entered the shed. I am relieved but only momentarily as I see Ethan crossing the lawn in its direction. No time to think, I have to cut him off. Running up beside him, I call out, “Ethan.” He stops and turns, presently excited to see me. However, that soon changes to a look of confusion as he sees me run up in my pajamas.
“Umm. Hi, Kyra,” he says with a slight uncertainty. “How are you, this morning?”
“I’m great,” I say, settling between him and the shed. I am out of breath from the burst of exertion. I lean over, placing my hands on my knees. “Just wanted to catch you before you left.”
“We just got started,” Ethan says. He starts again f
or the shed, but I quickly cut him off.
I try to think of anything to get a conversation going. “So what are you up to?”
He looks at me curiously. “Right now, I’m helping Jeff with the yard. Remember, I told you I would be coming by to do that.”
“Of course, silly me.” I am really blowing this, but how am I supposed to think when I just woke up and dashed out here. I’m light headed and not able to focus on anything intelligible. That is until I see a bright white bandage on Ethan’s tanned arm. “What happened to your arm?” I ask.
Ethan pulls it back as if he expects me to touch it. “Cut it on a lawnmower blade.”
“That sounds serious,” I say.
“It’s not as bad as all that,” he says. “I should be fine.” He again makes an attempt toward the shed, only to be blocked in his path. He says nothing, but smiles and tries another angle. I again move in his path. This time he is not smiling. He tries again with no success. At this point he has obviously lost patience. “I don’t mean to be rude, I would love to spend time with you, but Jeff’s paying me by the hour.”
Great, now what do I say. “What do you need out of the shed? I can get it for you.” He must think I am the neediest girl he’s met.
“I’m good,” he says, shortly. “I can manage on my own.” He fakes one way, but darts the other, passing me by. Before I can turn around, Ethan has his hand on the handle to the door of the shed. “Stop!”
He pauses and turns to me. “What is it now?” he asks in desperation, completely confused. “We can talk after I’m done working.” He steps back from the door. “Look, I’m sorry I’m a little grumpy. It was a hard night last night. I…” He hesitates to tell me more.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I just…missed talking with you.”
“How about this afternoon I’ll take you out somewhere? We can talk then?”
Why does he have to be so nice? Most guys would have completely blown me off as the crazy girl by now, but not Ethan. He is patient. “I would love to,” I say.
I hug him, holding tightly. Reluctant at first, he embraces me back. How long do I suppose I can keep him here? Sooner or later the hug will have to stop and he is going to open that door. And then what? Oh by the way, while you are being such a nice guy to me, I am stashing men in my foster parent’s shed. Still embracing him despite the fact that he is trying to pull away, I look over at the shed door to see Jeff opening it.
“No,” I scream, letting go of Ethan. I race pass him, leaving him standing there with a look of pure astonishment. Grabbing Jeff by the shoulder, I rip him back.
“What is it?” Jeff asks almost as if he is frightened by my antics. “Are you feeling alright?” He examines my eyes, apparently thinking I am on some sort of drugs.
“I…umm…I saw spiders in there,” I say. “Yesterday, they were big…black. Black widows.”
Jeff looks at the shed, dismayed. “I just had the bug man come out and spray. There shouldn’t be any spiders.”He takes off his hat and beats it across his knee. “They’re going to get a call from me. That’s for sure.” Pausing a moment in thought, he eventually asks, “Why were you in the shed?”
“In the shed?” Now I’ve done it. I’ve talked my way into a lie that I can’t possibly get out of. Thinking like I have not thought before, I finally say the first thing that comes to mind. “Weeding.”
“Weeding?”
Might as well go with it. “Yes. I really want to weed. It’s how I think. Very relaxing.”
He considers it for a moment. “Hmm. Well if you decide to do anymore thinking,” he says. “I have plenty of weeds along the garden plot that need to be pulled.” He laughs to himself, slightly, and then walks in the shed.
My heart drops like an anchor sinking in the ocean. I can almost feel it as it hits the bottom. I am so dead. I watch as Ethan walks past, shaking his head, nearly laughing. They must both think I’m crazy or at least doing some pretty heavy substances. In either case, it will all become apparent in a moment when they find Ashur. I wait with nail biting anticipation. Then I hear Jeff.
“Kyra,” he exclaims. “Come here.”
I slowly walk to the entrance and to my inevitable doom. “I know what it looks like, but…”
“Know what it looks like,” Jeff says. “It looks like you have just organized my entire shed.”
Shocked I look around. The shed has been cleaned from top to bottom. Everything is neatly assorted and put away in its proper place. Even the dust has been swept away.
“You polished the lawnmower,” Ethan says with disbelief.
I shrug. “You know me. Love to clean. Love to weed. Very therapeutic.”
Ethan has no idea what to say to me, he simply stands there and stares. Jeff, on the other hand, has no problem expressing himself. He gives me a big hug. “Just when I…” He pauses a moment, looking at me. His bottom lip scrunching as if he is about to cry. “I thought after last night that there were hard feelings between us, but then you go and do this. I’m sorry. I just…I want you to know that I do trust you. And anytime you want to go out with Liv or any other friends you go right ahead. Just no late nights, alright.”
I nod my head. “Okay.”
Jeff gives me another look over. There is a slight awkwardness in the moment as he realizes that I am in my pajamas. Eyeing Ethan, standing next to him, he says, “Maybe you should get some clothes on.”
“Of course,” I say. “I was just a little excited.”
“Fine,” Jeff says, holding his hand up. It seems he desires no explanation and so I go back in the house.
After getting showered and dressed, I sit down to breakfast. Justine has made pancakes, no bacon. She has already eaten with Jeff and Ethan and so she sits down and watches me. My hunger overcomes the awkwardness of having someone stare at me while I eat. She smiles at me.
I decide to try to clear the uneasiness of the moment by striking up a conversation. “These pancakes are great.”
“Thank you,” she says. “I make them the same way my mother taught me. Perhaps I can teach you sometime.”
“That would be nice,” I say between bites.
Justine sits for a minute as if to muster up the nerve to say something. Just as it seems she is going to explode, she says, “About Liv…”
“It’s fine,” I interrupt, not wanting to get into it.
“I want you to know that I think you’re right,” she says. “We do need to do something about it.” She nervously paws at the table cloth. “Jeff and I have decided to sit down with Roger and have a talk with him about the situation. Hopefully, he will agree to get help. If not, than we will talk to the State. Our hope is that maybe she can stay here with us for awhile. Just until Roger gets the help he needs.”
I stop eating. Never have I had an adult listen to me. Mostly, they see me as someone who doesn’t know what they are talking about. The only sort of communication we ever have ends up in a shouting match and me being sent to another foster home. Jeff and Justine really are good parents. It’s a shame they can’t have children. It seems like a dark irony of God that the people who would make the greatest parents are unable to have them, while those who could care less, won’t stop.
“Thank you,” I say. “It means a lot to me.”
Justine perks her nose up, trying not to cry, but it’s no use. The tears come anyway. She gives a sagging grin out of the corners of her mouth. I lean over and put my arms around her. “You would have made a great mother,” I whisper to her.
She places her hand on my arms and leans her head on mine. “You would have made a great daughter.” We sit in a satisfied silence as I finish my breakfast.
Soon the doorbell rings, interrupting the moment, and we are awakened to the realization that there is a world outside of this. “I’ll get it,” Justine says, standing from the table. She disappears out of the kitchen and I hear her open the door. There is a conversation outside of my earshot, but soon she returns. “There is someone at the d
oor,” she says to me. “He says he is a friend of yours and Liv’s. Says you met yesterday.”
I nearly choke on my milk. Regaining my composure, I say, “Yes. We met him on the way to the cemetery.”
Justine seems a little concerned.
“He’s Liv’s cousin,” I say to reassure her.
She thinks a moment. “I didn’t know Roger had any siblings.
“Distant cousin,” I correct. “He’s Liv’s distant cousin. Like third, fourth…I don’t know.”
“Oh,” Justine says with a shrug. “Well he looks pleasant enough.”
I go to the door with Justine trailing behind me. Ashur is standing there with Jeff’s old clothes on. I can only hope that Justine doesn’t notice. Without waiting for a conversation between the two of them, I grab Ashur by the arm and drag him down the steps. He resists, trying to wave to Justine. “Thank you,” he says. “It was really very nice meeting you.”
Angel Realms 01 The Dawn of Angels Page 11