Penny immediately liked Alyssa’s warmth. It made her feel this whole experience was less foreign. Exchanging sex for money. It didn’t seem very feminist. Or, alternatively, it was very feminist, she wasn’t sure which.
“What time is it?” Alyssa asked.
“10:30,” Davis said, looking at his watch.
“How long would you like?”
“All night?”
He slid a white envelope down the console table under the Franz Kline painting where he was standing. Penny knew there was $1500 cash in there.
“Perfect. All night,” she smiled.
She slipped her trench coat off, revealing a little black dress. It hugged her curves.
Penny tilted her wine to her lips and fought off every inner thought that said, “You’ve lost your mind.”
An experiment? Yes. An adventure? That too. Something to add some life to their marriage? Definitely that.
“Alyssa? Is that right?” Penny said politely.
“That’s right.”
Everyone knew it wasn’t Alyssa. But oddly, there was comfort that there were no names.
“How would you like to begin?” Alyssa said.
Davis handed her a glass of wine.
“Thanks,” she smiled, flashing those dimples.
Davis looked to his wife. “Darling?”
He knew not to use names and to let her say what she wanted. Those were ground rules they figured out.
Penny had already downed a gin and tonic as they waited for her to arrive. Now she still felt nervous. She wanted it done already. Kiss a woman.
Alyssa walked over and sat down next to Penny. She had a sip of her wine and placed it on the table.
“Do we talk first?” Penny said. “I’m new to this.”
Alyssa smiled. “Whatever you’d like.”
“I don’t know… Let’s just jump in.”
Penny spotted Davis in the background grin and nod. And all sexual desire left her body.
She rolled her eyes. “Davis… please keep the enthusiastic nodding and face-making to a minimum. It’s a huge turn off.”
“Of course, darling.”
Penny turned to Alyssa, who smiled. The dimples were a nice touch. Her mouth was very sensual. Penny ran her eyes along Alyssa’s mouth, imagining the kiss that was coming.
“So, do you like books?” Penny said quietly.
“Very much. I’m getting my Ph.D in literature.”
Penny leaned in. “What’s your thesis?” she whispered.
Their lips were almost touching. Alyssa whispered her answer. “George Eliot and the new wave of feminist thought…”
“Good enough,” Penny whispered.
Alyssa leaned in and kissed her. Penny felt Alyssa’s soft lips caress hers. All softness. Almost too soft. No scratchy roughness around the lips. Not what she was used to.
Maybe this wasn’t for her.
Good, she thought. The less she liked it, the less what she felt for Jamie Brennan was real or dangerous.
Alyssa finished the kiss with a gentle brush of her lips along Penny’s cheek.
Davis stood on the side of the room, leaning against the bar with a scotch in his hand and his arms crossed. Shirtsleeves rolled up. He smiled. Then leaned over the oak console table and snorted one of the lines of coke he’d laid out on a small silver serving tray.
He held up the rolled up $50 bill.
“Would either of you like some?”
Penny didn’t bother answering. They had already bickered over his bringing coke to the evening.
“Why would you possibly bring coke?”
“Because it’s fun. Why not?”
Alyssa leaned in and let her lips brush Penny’s ear.
“You’re incredibly beautiful…” she whispered.
Then she leaned in and kissed her again. Alyssa’s tongue slipped into her mouth. It was very sensual and different. Maybe too different.
As they kissed, Alyssa’s gentle and insistent touch slid skillfully up Penny’s body to her breasts.
Penny heard Davis murmur something enthusiastic and have a sip of his drink.
This felt ridiculous. Kissing a woman but for him. What the bloody hell?
But she needed an answer. And she would get it tonight.
Am I attracted to women? If not, get this thing for Jamie Brennan out of my mind once and for all.
Alyssa took Penny’s glass of wine and placed it on the coffee table. She turned to Penny, her lips pursed into a sexy smile. Her gaze suddenly penetrating Penny’s armor. She took Penny’s hand as she stood up.
“Come with me…” she whispered.
Twenty minutes later, Penny, now naked and having had every inch of her body caressed and teased by this young woman, was lying on top of the crisp white sheets of the king-sized hotel bed. Her head on the pillow.
Davis, she noted, had missed most of the action, running back and forth to the living room, doing coke bumps and refilling his scotch glass. And now she and Alyssa were alone again.
Penny held Alyssa’s gaze as she reached back and unzipped her black dress. Sliding it down her body and over her hips. Revealing expensive lingerie that Penny couldn't help but admire. A silky green lace bra and matching panties.
She leaned over Penny and stared into her eyes. She parted her lips. The whole move was wordless and sexy.
Penny realized she had never had such an interesting and probably sexual conversation with someone’s eyes before.
Davis had missed a lot of the action. Having spent the past twenty minutes running into the other room to do coke.
And now he’d just stepped out of the bedroom again to refill his scotch glass.
Penny reached up and stroked her fingers along the curve of Alyssa’s breasts. The softness of the silk from her bra and the willing mound of flesh beneath. Alyssa moaned which was a nice touch. And Penny could feel the heat and wetness from between Alyssa’s legs pressing against her own thigh.
It felt like desire. Actual desire. Not $1500 a night desire.
Alyssa leaned over her. She whispered.
“What do you want?”
“Take your bra off…” Penny whispered.
Davis voice cut in with a husky, hurried mutter.
“Yeah… Nice. Tell her what to do…”
He was suddenly back and standing at the edge of the bed.
Penny closed her eyes then opened them. “Oh my God, Davis,” she said calmly. “Will you please stop instructing? I don’t need the carnival barker.”
Alyssa’s mouth curled into a suppressed smile. Her eyes met Penny’s, clearly amused.
“Understood, my darling.”
Penny could hear the coke sniff. Davis darted out of the room again.
She looked up at Alyssa. “I’m sorry about my husband. I’m not sure where the whole coke idea came from.”
“Forget about him. Just you and me…” Alyssa whispered to Penny. “Anything you want…”
Penny gazed up at this beautiful woman leaning over her. The curvy, very sexy body, the sparkle in her eyes, the elegant emerald-green lace and silk lingerie.
Penny’s body felt turned on. But her mind kept traveling. This experience was sensual. But was this sexy? Was this desire?
Something was missing.
Maybe women really weren’t it for her. Thank God.
Alyssa leaned in and gently ran her tongue up the side of Penny’s neck. It felt hot and wet and sensual.
But Penny’s mind took off again.
“I should really call Joan Sussman about changing the marketing meeting to Tuesday. Tell Cathy to pick up an extra box of pens at Woolworths…” A to-do list filled her mind.
Penny brought herself back. This evening wasn’t over. She had to give it her all.
She felt Alyssa’s palms caress her breasts. Her fingertips swirling across her nipples like a whisper.
Things in Penny’s body were springing to life. Everything was sensual. Alyssa was so different touching he
r body. Not taking, just giving.
Davis was standing at the corner of the bed watching. She blocked him out with her knee as she saw him sip his scotch and cross his arms.
This wasn’t for him, it was for her. But she couldn’t say that.
Meanwhile, she kept her eyes on Alyssa. Who leaned one knee on the bed and now gently swung the other one over Penny’s body so she was straddling her.
Penny felt the silky softness of Alyssa’s thighs hugging her own naked hips.
Alyssa arched her back and stared into Penny’s eyes. She reached behind and unfastened her bra. Sliding it off her shoulders and off the side of the bed. Revealing her, something like 34D, full, high, perfect breasts.
Penny watched her. But her mind wouldn’t stop talking.
“Am I admiring her breasts because they turn me on or because I’m just admiring them? Do I feel anything? Am I sexually aroused here?”
Alyssa unclipped her hair and let her chestnut waves fall over her shoulders and down her back.
She was definitely lovely, Penny thought. But it was like it was someone else’s beautiful. Penny knew what she got turned on by. A quick mind? Good vocabulary? The soul inside someone? So this curvy goddess, this was someone’s sexy but perhaps not hers.
“That bra she had on before was pretty, though,” Penny thought. Her mind taking off again as she stared at Alyssa’a breasts. “Expensive. For sure Sak’s Fifth Avenue, not Bloomingdales. Although, Bonwit’s had some nice stuff lately.”
Alyssa gently stroked her fingertips across Penny’s breasts. Skillfully teasing her nipples to perky erection.
But despite Penny’s body’s reflexive enthusiasm, she had her answer. Women are not for me.
Her mind wandered again. “Call Bob about that book launch at Elaine’s. Finish reading the manuscript from that new author. Get caught up on reading-”
Alyssa leaned forward over her. Penny felt the soft warmth and caress of Alyssa’s exposed full breasts against the swell of her own as they kissed. It was sensual. And ridiculously soft. Softness blurring into softness. Nipples tickling against nipples. Alyssa’s tongue slid inside Penny’s mouth, warm and wet. She was a great kisser.
Now Davis was off in the living room again. She could hear him on the phone with his voicemail service. Amazing what coke reminds you to get done.
“Are you nervous?” she heard Alyssa whisper.
“Maybe,” Penny said.
Alyssa brushed her soft lips right next to Penny’s ear. And whispered. Just for her, not for Davis.
“Look… “ she whispered. “This isn’t about money right now. You turn me on… I want to make love to you.”
Penny closed her eyes and imagined they were alone. And everything in her felt alive.
She opened her eyes because they weren’t alone and thinking that was something she needed to not do again.
Her gaze found Alyssa’s and something in that look held Penny in place.
Alyssa smiled and took Penny’s hands. She slid them up onto the pillow, holding them above Penny’s head like surrender.
Alyssa stared into her eyes. No one needed to say anything. It was sexy.
The edges of her lips curled into a little smile. Their eye contact was deeper, longer, more intense than Penny had ever had with anyone in her life. The last time she had her eyes open this long with another human being was probably the Ophthalmologist on East 68th Street.
Alyssa leaned in. Her soft lips brushing Penny’s ear.
“I feel who you are.”
Penny felt her stomach drop. Everything in her exposed and caressed.
“…What?” Penny whispered.
Alyssa kissed Penny’s neck softly. Then raised her head and gazed into her eyes again.
And Penny felt more seen that she had in fifteen years.
“I want to taste you…” Alyssa whispered.
“Oh my god,” Penny thought. “So this is fucking sex.”
And suddenly she knew - it was better without him.
24
“So… Jamie.”
Jamie glanced around the small office of Dr, Dave Keegan. Mid-40’s. Boyish. Youthful. A Psych Prof at NYU. A friend of Lynette’s. Offered to help her for free.
The clock on his desk said 12:20 pm.
She had dashed from the bookstore down Broadway to his office on West Fourth Street at lunch.
“FINE, I’LL GO,” she had finally said to Lynette.
Lynette had grinned. “Good. If you hate him or hate it or freak out, just leave.”
“Oh, I will.”
Now Jamie was sitting in a 1960’s style Danish teak lounge chair with yet another shrink. But this one was different. He didn’t look like a shrink. More like a cute college guy.
And he was smiling at her warmly. Sitting across from her in his rickety looking black desk chair with a notebook on his lap.
He smiled an encouraging half smile.
“Lynette tells me you’ve gone through some stuff.”
Stuff? Was he trying to sound easygoing? Was he trying to be an Afterschool Special? After two terrible shrinks, Jamie was cynical.
Jamie let her mind fill with a whirlwind of irritations to keep from being present.
She glanced down at her black converse sneaker. A lace had come undone.
“Yes, I have,” Jamie said. “Gone through some stuff.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Jamie felt herself bristle. “Can we talk about other things for a bit?”
His eyes twinkled as he let a smile cross his lips. His sandy hair flopped in his eyes. He looked like such a college kid in his Lacoste shirt. Gay? Maybe.
“Sure,” he said. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Anything else?” she laughed.
“Cool. Let’s start from today.”
Jamie didn’t feel like starting from any of it. She glanced around his office. Small. Academic. Paneled. NYU.
“How do you know Lynette, doc?”
“My wife owns a gallery in Soho, they’ve worked together.”
Wife. Oh. Okay. Not gay. Still could be gay.
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say, Doctor - ”
“Dave”
“Dr. Dave.”
His eyes sparkled and a smile appeared. “There’s no pressure… just tell me anything - like - what did you do yesterday?”
Jamie laughed. “This is therapy?”
He shrugged. “It’s talking.”
“Well…” she said. “Get ready to be riveted. I got up about 8:15. Went to the deli and got a bagel shmear and a coffee with milk…You sure you want to hear this?”
He nodded. “I do.”
“Then I walked the block back to my apartment and enjoyed my breakfast at my desk where I write. And I stared out the window as the sun was coming through the blinds and I wished I didn’t have to go to work at the bookstore.”
“What would you rather be doing?
Jamie laughed. “Anything else?” she said. “Writing? Reading up in Central Park?”
“I see. Hanging out with friends?”
“I don’t have a lot of those - Lynette…. And my sister lives out in Rye.”
“Why don’t you have friends?”
“When I was at NYU I had a ton of friends. But they all moved out of the city or got married and had kids. Just the luck of the draw. I stayed.”
“Why did you stay?”
“Where was I supposed to go?”
“Never wanted to get married?”
“Um… you do know I’m gay right?”
“Yes - right - I just mean, did you not want to settle down with a partner?”
“Sure, I did.” Fuck. That’s all I wanted. “I lived with someone. Didn’t work out.”
“Is it still something you want?”
Jamie shifted her weight in the chair and gazed onto his windowsill. A bunch of psych textbooks lined up with a horse head bookend.
“Why does this therapy fe
el Harlequin Romance based?”
He smiled again. “I’m just trying to learn more about you.”
“Okay, I guess - sure, I want that. But I don’t want it right now.”
“What else do you want?”
“Ah… I see.”
“You see…”
“This was all an easygoing round up to ‘what do you want’?” Jamie smiled.
“Is it?”
“Is it?”
He smiled.
“Okay, then, Jamie… what do you want?”
“From today? From this?”
He shrugged. “Sure.”
She laughed. “To feel better by some miracle.”
“Let’s see if we can help you with that. What else do you want?”
“I don’t know.”
He smiled. “Try.”
In the silence, a sorrow floated up to the surface of her body that in any other moment she would have shoved down.
I wish I’d never gone to that party that night. I wish I’d made a different choice.
But she didn’t say that.
“I don’t know what I want.”
There. That should hold him.
“Just give me anything.”
Jamie sighed.
“I want to be able to write something beautiful again.”
She looked at Dr. Dave. He nodded and looked back at her. His eyes peering into hers. Warm. Sweet. Not gay. Attractive. Kind. Sexy? What was happening?
“You want to write something beautiful again,” he said. “You’re a writer, right?”
God, don’t ask me anything else about that, she thought. But then he didn’t. He just looked at her until she said more things.
“I got signed for a novel,” she said, “Like, y’know, dream come true. But I can’t write like I used to. I can’t tap into where all the beauty is, Dr. Dave.”
“Why can’t you?”
She glanced out the window through the Venetian blinds. She could see the blue sky with a few puffy clouds.
“Because apparently, that’s where the horror resides as well.”
She was afraid he was going to write something down.
“Wow,” he said.
She nodded. “Yup.”
“You okay with that, Jamie?’
“Not really.”
“You want to tell me about it?”
This Will Be Page 10