This Will Be

by Jane Cooper Ford

  “Or your husband’s…”

  They all seemed to know each other well, Jamie thought. Or at least she hoped so.

  Penny pointed off into the distance. “I think we’re better off up around 72nd Street.”

  Joan nodded enthusiastically. “Done. Let’s go.”

  A few minutes later as they walked over the grass and up the hill towards 72nd Street, Jamie glanced at Penny. God, she was even more beautiful in the fall. There was a British flush in her cheeks from the cold and her lips got red. She tucked her auburn hair behind her ears and seemed to sneak a glance at Jamie.

  She mouthed, ‘It’s nice to see you.’

  Jamie smiled. She wanted to ask her so many things. But Joan piped in.

  “Okay!” Joan announced. “Who wants to smoke a joint?”

  Gavin scowled. “Uh – the cast from Hair?”

  “No thanks,” Penny said.

  Jamie shook her head.

  “Fair enough,” Joan said.

  She pulled a cylindrical gold lighter out of her purse and sparked up a joint. Taking a deep puff.

  “Joan,” Penny suggested calmly. “Perhaps you might want to wait until we’re in the bushes.”

  “I’m good,” she said holding her breath. “Just a couple of tokes.”

  “Okay,” Gavin said. “Let me charge ahead and have a look.”

  Gavin led the way, walking a few yards in front of them. Jamie walked next to Penny. Joan was lagging a couple of paces behind them.

  Jamie snuck a glance at Penny right at the moment Penny turned to her. A secret smile curled on her lips. Her hand brushed Jamie’s. God, it was seductive.

  But Jamie quickly reminded herself Penny was married and not available.

  Gavin called from up ahead. “I see a place we could do it!”

  The smoke from Joan’s lit doobie curlicued above Jamie and Penny like calligraphy.

  “Almost done,” Joan called back to Gavin, squeaking out the words. She exhaled again.

  Gavin turned his face back to them. “Please finish up, Cheech or Chong.”

  A few minutes later, Jamie glanced up the bottom of the small hill just past the path from where she and Penny and Joan were standing.

  Gavin marched up to the bushes up ahead at the top.

  “I think this’ll work,” he called back to them. “Hang on. Let me scout it out.”

  “Thanks, Gav,” Penny said.

  Joan stubbed out the joint on the bottom of her Frye boot. “Okay, I’m pretty stoned. Let’s do this.”

  Up the hill, Jamie saw Gavin hunker low in front of some bushes and swat away a path in.

  “This should work!” he called back. “Come on up, y’all!’

  “COMING!” Joan called. At which point she suddenly trotted up the hill past Jamie with the elegance of a pile of hangers falling off a chair.

  Jamie and Penny watched her.

  “That’s not a pretty run,” Jamie said.

  “No, it is not.”

  “I’m a little scared.”

  “I think we all are.”

  Penny smiled.

  “You’re well, Jamie?”

  “Uh huh. You?”

  “Very much so.”

  Penny caught Jamie’s eye and the look lingered there. Jamie felt a pang in her stomach.

  Longing.

  Oh fucking great, she thought, for someone unavailable.

  “Yeah, I’m good,” Jamie said. “I’m seeing someone.”

  “Oh.”

  Penny paused. “Good for you, Jamie. I’m happy for you.”

  “Yeah, it’s going great.”

  They started up the hill.

  “Well,” Penny said quietly, “She’s a lucky woman.”

  They kept walking up the grassy hill almost at the bushes where Gavin was inside.

  He called out from the bushes. “I cleared a space!”

  Penny turned to Jamie again as they walked. “So, you’re happy?”

  All Jamie could think was, Do not be the lovestruck lesbian in love with the married woman. Cliches are so cliche. .

  “She’s a dancer,” Jamie said. “In A Chorus Line.”

  “Well, good for you. That’s lovely.”

  They got to the bushes at the top of the hill where Joan was waiting, peering around at the park like it held secrets.

  “Fuck, I’m high…”

  Penny arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, no kidding.”

  Gavin called from inside. “Crawl on through, gals!”

  Joan crouched down and started through. Half way in she suddenly stopped in her tracks. “Anyone hear that?”

  Gavin called again from inside the bushes. “Yes!” he said with a sibilant ’S’. “It’s the sound of a stoned 40-year-old woman! Get in here!”

  Joan awkwardly scrambled the rest of the way into the bushes.

  Jamie turned to Penny. She held Jamie’s gaze.

  “After you,” Jamie said.

  “Thanks…”

  Penny clutched the wooden box of ashes and crouched down, making her way through.

  Penny felt her heart beating as she crawled through the bushes. It wasn’t the physical exertion, it was that she was too late. Jamie was seeing someone.

  She’d had so many emotions that had welled up when she saw Jamie coming down that hill. So much so that she had started to cry and stopped herself. “You were the person I most wanted to see,” she thought. “You were the person I most wanted to be with, to cry with. To be alone with. To know how I felt… It was you. You were the person I’ve missed with everything I am these past six weeks.”

  And yet, Penny knew, she was the one who had walked away. That night they kissed in her office. She had walked away on Sixth Avenue. She had done it. She had said no.

  And today, seeing Jamie reminded her of everything she loved in this world. Some of which she got to keep and much of which she didn’t. And it reminded her of how much she loved. A love to last a lifetime.

  And now Jamie was seeing someone.

  And that made Penny’s heart ache.

  Penny finished crawling through the brush and stood up in the little space that Gavin had cleared inside the brambly bushes.

  Jamie made her way through last.

  And the four of them stood there with the box.

  “Joan,” Penny said, “Would you like to open the box?”

  Joan reached out and gently ran her fingertips along the smooth outline of the box.

  At first, it seemed like silent tribute to Connie. Then Jamie realized it was because she was stoned and the wood felt nice on her fingertips.

  Gavin finally broke the silence. “Okay then, ‘Girl with the kaleidoscope eyes’, let me.”

  He gently pulled open the metal latch, revealing a blue velvet pouch inside. He gingerly lifted it out, handed the box to Jamie and pouch of ashes to Penny.

  Jamie placed the box down beside them on the ground. She looked at Penny, whose eyes suddenly reflected the weighty sorrow of their mission today.

  Penny whispered the words. “Are we ready?”

  Everyone nodded.

  “For Connie,” Penny said quietly. “You’ll always be here, my friend. Here in this place you loved.”

  Gavin wiped away a tear. “Just don’t get mugged.”

  “Hey wait,” Joan said. “Maybe we should do a thing.”

  Gavin turned to Joan. “Uh, what thing would that be? LSD?”

  “No, like a tribute. Let’s each say a word, something that Connie was or gave us or made us feel. And we can spread the ashes.”

  “That’s actually a good idea,” Gavin said. “Even if you are half on Angel Dust.”

  Penny smiled. “Yes, I like that.” She loosed the tie on the blue velvet pouch. “Ready?”

  She turned the pouch sideways, she let the ashes fall slowly out.

  “Happy,” Gavin said.

  Joan was next. Jamie watched as Penny kept pouring the ashes into the little hole that Gavin had dug in the dirt.

>   A tear fell down Penny’s cheek. Her hands were full, so Jamie reached over and gently brushed it off for her.

  “Aw, Con…” Joan said. “Joyful… You made me feel joyful.”

  Jamie watched the ashes fall to the ground.

  Penny looked at Jamie for her word.

  Jamie thought about it. Connie. All those lunches at Schrafft’s. When Jamie couldn’t write. When she could only barely dream. But Connie made her feel the world was possible, writing was, maybe even that anything was.

  “Inspired,” Jamie said.

  Another tear fell down Penny’s cheek. Gavin reached over and brushed it away with his handkerchief.

  “My beautiful Connie Pell…” Penny whispered. “Loved,” she said, “You made me feel loved.”

  Penny tilted the pouch and the last of the grey chalky ashes whooshed out into the dirt.

  They all stood there silently. Finally Joan spoke. She wiped a few tears from her eyes.

  “We love you, Carmy,”

  Everyone heard it. No one spoke.

  Gavin turned to Joan. “Did you just say Carmy?”

  “Give me a break, I’m stoned. You know what I meant.”

  They all fell into a silence again. The presence of presence. Jamie could hear everyone’s quiet breathing and the sound of traffic in the distance on Fifth Avenue, along with the faint tweetly sound of birds in the Central Park trees on this crisp October Sunday morning.

  Finally, Penny broke the silence, her voice just above a whisper. “I guess that’s it then,” she said.

  Jamie knelt down and used her hands to push the dirt in over top of the space now containing Connie Pell’s ashes.

  Gavin knelt down next to her and pushed in more dirt.

  When they stood up, Gavin gently pressed his boot against the earth, securing it in place.

  “And here she’ll be,” Gavin said.

  They all stood silently. Not moving.

  “Now what?” Penny finally said with a little laugh, brushing away a tear.

  Gavin wiped his eyes with his handkerchief. “Is it gauche to say ‘brunch’?”

  Joan turned to Penny. “Hey, Pen, how are you doing by the way?” she said. “So sorry about you and Davis. Are you back in the city?”

  Jamie heard the words and couldn’t believe it. She quickly stole a glance at Penny’s hand. She was no longer wearing a ring.

  Gavin made a face. “Yeah, that’s the perfect thing to talk about, Joan. Divorce is a real pick-me-up.”

  Penny laughed. “It’s okay,” she said. “Thanks, Joan. I’m doing well. It was definitely for the best… So are we okay here?”

  “I think I need a minute still,” Joan said. She wiped a tear away, then looked at her fingertip. “Wow… Tears are weird. They’re like water that falls out of your eyes.”

  Gavin put his arm around her. “I’m sure that sounds better in your head, sweetheart.”

  Penny looked to Jamie and nodded her head towards the exit.

  Jamie bent down and made her way out of the bushes. Penny followed behind.

  A minute later, Jamie and Penny walked down the hill. Jame looked at the blue of the sky with the few fat puffy white clouds. It felt like the whole world was different and reverent. The park was for Connie. That sky. Those birds. That laughter.

  Jamie took a deep breath, surrounded by the sweet sounds of the park on a Sunday morning.

  “Give me a sec,” Penny said.

  She took the box and the velvet pouch walked over near the black railing fence of the path up to Fifth Avenue. She gently placed both in a metal mesh garbage can and walked back to where Jamie was standing.

  “Life, Jamie Brennan…” Penny said quietly.

  “Yeah…”

  Jamie remembered their conversation that night on the fire escape.

  “It can be a cruel fucker,” Jamie said. “I love Plato.”

  The edges of Penny’s lips curled up into a smile.

  “You okay?”

  Penny nodded. “I will be.”

  “You and Davis split up?”

  “We did.”

  “Wow… When?”

  “Before I went away.”

  Penny glanced down to the path in the park below them and the lawn beyond. People on bikes. Couples holding hands. A guy with a big afro in satin gym shorts with grey sweatpants underneath disco rollerskating through with a boombox on his shoulder. She heard the faint strains of The Spinners, One of a Kind Love Affair.

  “Jamie. I’m sorry. I should have told you,” Penny said. “I just - couldn’t imagine you’d actually…”

  “Care?” Jamie laughed. “Oh I’d care.”

  “No,” Penny said. “Forgive me. Leaving you there. That night on Sixth Avenue. Letting you think it was just you.”

  “Just me?”

  “Letting you think that I didn’t love you,” She said. “When I did… I do.”

  Jamie felt the air rush out of her lungs.

  “…You… I’m sorry. What?”

  Penny looked into her eyes.

  “Right, well,” she chuckled. “Let it be known. I have some regrets.”

  Jamie let the words Penny just said sit there untouched. Like a tiny, colorful bird that lands outside your window and you don’t want to scare it or make it leave.

  “Anyway,” Penny said, “You’re seeing someone so there we are.”

  Jamie waved her hand. “No. She was awful - I broke up with her this morning.”

  “Oh dear,” Penny laughed. She looked at Jamie and felt a space open up inside her. The kind she’d sometimes get where it felt like everyone in the world could see her. But this time, instead of running away, she let words come out of it.

  “I missed you, Jamie.”

  “I missed you too.”

  Penny paused. Unsure. “Look, Jamie, I’m a mess. I don’t mean now. I mean generally.”

  “Who isn’t?”

  “I ate a whole Entemann’s out of the box the other night and had a glass of wine and that was dinner.”

  “Most women do.”

  “You and me… This changes my whole world.”

  Jamie laughed. “Good.”

  Penny scanned her eyes along Jamie’s lips, then gently reached up and brushed the little scar on her chin with her fingertips.

  A love to last a lifetime. And lifetimes that went by way too fucking fast.

  She leaned in and kissed her.

  Jamie felt Penny’s warm kiss. It was this warm, wet thing on this cool, brisk day.

  Suddenly she realized she was standing in Central Park kissing another woman. What if someone saw and did something? She felt a rush of fear and pulled her head away slightly.

  “It’s okay,” Penny whispered, her lips brushing Jamie’s. “No one’s going to hurt you,” she smiled. “I’ll fucking kill them.”

  Penny kissed her again. Tender soft. Perfect.

  “Wow…” Jamie said. “This is not how I saw this day going…” She laughed and glanced up the hill, where she saw Gavin swat his way out of the bushes.

  He spotted them in an embrace, looked surprised, did a 180 and marched right back into the bushes. “JOAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THE HONEYSUCKLE?”

  “I like your co-workers,” Jamie laughed.

  “Yes…I’d say they’re not normally like that, but they actually are.”

  Jamie heard Joan’s voice as she came bursting out of the bushes.

  “OH MY GOD!” Joan blurted. “Oh wait, it’s nothing. I thought I saw a cop. Do I smell like weed?

  Gavin swatted his way out behind her. “Yes.”

  Joan looked over to Jamie and Penny, catching them just as they parted from their embrace. She smiled.

  “Huh. Good for you two,” she announced matter of factly. “I’m going to Tavern on the Green for brunch - I could murder some Eggs Florentine. Who’s coming?”

  She and Gavin headed down the hill past Penny and Jamie.

  “We’ll catch up to you,” Penny called after them. “Hey
- get a table in the Crystal Room overlooking the park and tell Emilio it’s for me.”

  In the distance, Joan raised a hand in acknowledgment and kept walking.

  Jamie watched as they stomped down the grass. Filled with life. Friendship. The shit that carries on after people are buried. Gavin caught up to Joan and slipped his arm around her shoulders as they shared a laugh at some unseen thing.

  “Shall we?” Penny smiled.

  Jamie and Penny turned and walked down the grassy hill to the path.

  Penny slipped her arm in Jamie’s. “How’s the writing going?”

  “Oh y’know…Good,” she smiled. “Five true words…”

  “Meaning…”

  “It’s a writer thing I do,” Jamie said. “Five true words. A way to start.”

  “Clever.”

  Jamie nodded. “The most honest ones you can find. And off you go.”

  “It works?”

  “So far.”

  Jamie felt the cool October wind push against her as they made their way down the hill, blanketed in red, orange and yellow autumn leaves that were swooshing around their feet like little multicolored leaf tornadoes.

  Penny smiled. “So, how does it work? Like what five words? Any?”

  “Yeah, try it…” Jamie prompted.

  “Oh, God… I’m not a writer,” Penny laughed.

  The sound of her laugh. It was this joyful, open sound that Jamie hadn’t heard from her before. Lighter. Happy. Different.

  Penny pulled Jamie closer to her as they walked. “Okay, I’ll try…”

  Jamie could feel Penny’s hand on her arm counting with her gloved fingers. 1,2,3,4….5.

  Penny cleared her throat. “Once upon a time there... ”

  Jamie smirked. “Right, that’s a little —”

  “Wait, I’m on a roll,” Penny said. “There were three little kittens and...”

  “Ah,” Jamie laughed. “I see what’s happening. Plagiarism.”

  “No, it gets good,” Penny said. “Moppet… someone else… Tom Kitten…” She glanced at Jamie. “So far I’m great at this game.”

  Jamie liked the way Penny’s eyes lit up when their eyes met. It was sexy.

  “Okay, Jamie Brennan, what are your five?” she said. “Although, best of luck, of course, topping mine.”

  “Alright… let’s see… It’s just a beginning… Don’t get too excited.”