by Lefler, Anna
Wedding Shower, noun
Traditionally, an all-female gathering held in the weeks or months preceding a wedding during which the bride-to-be is toasted, given gifts, and closely observed for signs of emotional fatigue and stress-eating. For out-of-town family and friends, this is typically the first opportunity to scrutinize and rank the engagement ring as well as gather intelligence about the groom that can be referenced later should the marriage fall apart. Though a bride may receive multiple wedding showers, it is the sacred duty of the maid of honor to host one of them, the process of which will strain her relationship with the bride down to its chafed and bloody nerves.
Wet Room Treatment, noun
This category of spa service is performed in a special room with a floor drain, ceiling spigots, and metal table that looks more appropriate for elective surgery than for a relaxing rubdown. Typical treatments of this type include the “messier” services on the spa menu, such as body polishes and mud wraps, that require extensive rinsing. Although these services can be quite relaxing, it is recommended that you ask for a full description of the procedure before booking a wet room treatment, as it can be the opposite of relaxing when you are lying naked on a metal table to be greeted by someone wearing galoshes.
Wet Spot, noun
The moist residue of lovemaking that tends to accumulate in the bed in the exact location in which you wanted to sleep. The wet spot, though a recent focal point of intensely pleasurable activity, quickly becomes uniquely unappealing in its gummy, post-coital chill and sends those who encounter it scurrying for cover in the far regions of the comforter. Fallout from the wet spot, including discussions regarding responsibility for the placement thereof and complaints as to whose side of the bed it is most often created upon, can be a bone of contention (sorry) for even the most established of couples.
Whipped, adjective
This term refers to a man who is so besotted with his wife or girlfriend that, to the disgust of his male friends in particular, he has lost all self-respect and repeatedly allows himself to be walked on by her in one form or another. Like stomach flu, the condition of being whipped can unexpectedly strike down even the stoutest of male constitutions but, unlike a passing virus, this malady has the potential to last a lifetime if left unchecked. Although you might think women would love the power afforded to them by the whipped man, it is worth noting that even the most tyrannical wife or girlfriend will eventually tire of oppressing a partner who does not at least occasionally stand up for himself.
White Dress Shirt, Men’s noun
Surveys have shown that there is exactly one man in the United States who does not think a woman wearing only a men’s white dress shirt is unspeakably sexy … and he also hates pandas and chocolate chip cookies, so there you have it. The men’s white dress shirt is a slam dunk, presenting an appealing contrast between masculine and feminine while allowing the viewer tasty peeks at the delightful form within the fabric. On a more practical level, the shirt’s long tail provides the wearer with an effective butt protector (see also: butt protector), a critical factor in the release of female inhibitions.
(To Be) Wifed, verb
To be wifed is to have one’s professional abilities, prestige, and other attributes of one’s career diminished and/or overshadowed after leaving that job to assume primary responsibility as a wife and homemaker. In other words, a married woman whose professional accomplishments appear to be “cancelled out” when she becomes a homemaker has been wifed. Scientists are currently working to discover what it is about preparing a meal or cleaning a house that has the corollary effect of erasing an upper management title or even a Harvard MBA. It’s interesting to note that the term “husbanded” has yet to come into popular use.
Wings, noun
1. Flippy, casual bangs popularized by Farrah Fawcett and other seventies sex symbols that never looked as cool’forget about sexy’on the rest of us. 2. Adhesive flaps found on certain pantiliners, particularly those designed to be worn with thong underwear. The wings serve as traction for the pantiliner, wrapping around the thong’s crotch strap like a koala bear hugging a eucalyptus trunk. Note: despite the presence of wings, these pantiliners, like penguins, remain flightless.
Wingwoman, noun
The female version of the wingman, your wingwoman has got your back and, if necessary, all of your other sides as well. Mutual and deeply committed, the wingwoman relationship is most observable in large-scale social situations such as clubbing that require complex reconnaissance and secure transmission of sensitive information. The truly beneficial wingwoman connection is built over time, during which critical information is exchanged for future use, such as food allergies, romantic weaknesses, drinking habits, data regarding past breakups, and, very importantly, accurate physical description of the other’s kryptonite guy (see also: kryptonite guy).
Woman of a Certain Age, noun
The English history of this phrase can be traced back more than 250 years, yet no one knows precisely what that certain woman’s age is. Is she somewhere between mid-thirties and mid-fifties? Or is she strictly above fifty-five? Sixty-five? Eighty-five? What gives? Everyone knows that forty is the new thirty, but these days, “a certain age” is apparently up for grabs. Whatever that number is, it seems to carry with it a whiff of expiration, bringing to mind double-edged descriptions such as “well preserved.” Regardless of whether agreement is reached as to the exact age of this fetching female, it is generally acknowledged that anyone who intends to apply the aforementioned label to her would be wise to do so out of her earshot.
Wonderlust, noun
A broader variant of ethnic joyride (see also: ethnic joyride) that denotes the drive to accrue a variety of sexual experiences simply to satisfy one’s curiosity. Wonderlust can occur in many forms, from the fleeting admiration of the FedEx man’s rippling biceps to the focused, long-term obsession with, well, just about anyone you’ve never had sex with. It’s worth noting that wonderlust does not have to be acted upon to qualify as such. It can simply be the wondering … and the lusting … and the potent combination thereof.
X
X-bake, noun
A term that describes the results of receiving sun exposure in a swimsuit that has crisscrossing straps across the back. X-bake can also be used more broadly to describe the two-toned geometric aftermath of any swimsuit that features a complex, overlapping, or otherwise bold arrangement of straps or cutouts. Although the design of the swimsuit may be chic (see also: chic) and fashion-forward, it can be a bummer the next time you wear a sundress to realize that you have inadvertently turned your back into something that resembles a Parcheesi board.
XOXO, noun
Technically, XOXO is an abbreviation that most people would agree stands for kiss-hug-kiss-hug, but how exactly did the use of these specific letters come about? The X symbol has carried the meaning of “kiss” for hundreds of years, however, there does not appear to be anything inherent in the letter’s shape that conveys the concept of kissing. The O, however, could conceivably represent the circle of a person’s arms. If you look through the alphabet, the capital B looks the most like a kiss with its resemblance to a pair of lips pursed for an imminent smooch. So perhaps a more graphically accurate abbreviation for the notion of kisses and hugs might be BOBO. Wait …
X-Tina, proper noun
As illustrated in the “Xmas” abbreviation for Christmas, the letter X has historically stood as a representation for Christ (although, interestingly, you never hear anyone walk into a bathroom and exclaim, “X Almighty! What happened in here?”). Capitalizing on this centuries-old trend, pop star Christina Aguilera adopted the alternate name of X-Tina, which instantly added both an edgy superhero flair and a Yule-adjacent pine scent to her image. Other female superstars who have adopted alternate identities include Beyoncé (Sasha Fierce) and Mariah Carey (Mimi), although it is unclear whether either of these names has biblical origins.
Y
You Go, Girl,
phrase
Like fresh fruits and vegetables, catch phrases can only stay crisp for so long, and this one turned to mush ages ago. That being said, however, “You go, girl!” shows no signs of extinguishing itself in popular vernacular. On the contrary, the phrase has filtered into just about every demographic stratum to the point that it has “lapped” itself and come full circle. It’s worth noting that the phrase is used in earnest across large swaths of the population, whereas within certain narrow bands, it is now used only in an ironic sense that includes a tinge of self-mockery. Regardless of how you use it, this phrase deserves props for longevity. (Wait, do people still say “props?”)
You’re Tall, phrase
All-purpose expression used by diminutive women to convince women of above-average height that, no matter how ridiculous an item of clothing is, it somehow looks great on them because of their stature. Also found in the longer “You can totally wear that’you’re tall!” form, this phrase has been used to push everything from floor-length sweater vests to statement necklaces to harem pants. Although it’s difficult to say whether the speaker truly believes in the beneficial effects of height or is simply messing with her tall friend, the fact is that questionable clothing items don’t look any better on a tall person’they are just visible from further away.
Your New Best Friend, noun
A sarcastic phrase indicating that someone’s interactions with you are based on her own agenda rather than sincere friendship. When spoken in reference to a female, the implication is that the female in question is attempting to use that person to get to something or someone else. For example: “You know why she’s acting like your new best friend, don’t you? She wants you to introduce her to your agent.” When spoken by a man, the person in question will always be another man’one who is assumed to be sexually interested in you. The male version of this question is as follows: “So, who’s your new best friend?” Note: your new best friend is not to be confused with, you know, your new best friend.
Z
Zaftig, adjective
The most common way to define this word is with the phrase “pleasantly plump.” Within the context of a contemporary culture that is obsessed with being skinny, this is a tough, tough sell. Then again, zaftig has its roots in an old, old word meaning “juicy” or “succulent.” That’s all good, right? Sure, and pointing out someone’s impotence is really just complimenting him on his impressive flexibility. In short, although this word may carry all kinds of flattering intent, it falls into the category of a “high-risk” compliment and should be attempted only by someone with the reflexes of a ninja.
Z-snap, noun
A sassy little gesture that involves making the outline of a big letter “Z” in front of you while snapping your fingers in these precise spots on the letter (from the snapper’s perspective): 1) top right corner, 2) bottom left corner, and 3) bottom right corner. Three snaps, that’s all. Not four. Four snaps will immediately expose you as a poser wannabe and your mall and/or street cred will be rescinded indefinitely. Although the beauty of the Z-snap is that it is open to broad artistic interpretation, the two meanings that are most often attached to it are: 1) “In your face!” and, 2) “It’s on!” It’s worth noting that this particular gesture also goes down well with a nice “Oh, no, you di-in’t!”
Acknowledgments
I am hugely indebted to Diane Garcia and Meredith O’Hayre at Adams Media for believing that my sense of humor might appeal to people other than those over whose bedtimes I have dominion and for making the process of creating this book such a pleasure. Thank you. Heartfelt thanks as well to Betsy Amster for her faith in me, her invaluable guidance, and for always warning me when she’s about to cuss. And, although I never say “shout out,” I send a grateful shout out to Kim Dower for her savvy, her warmth and enthusiasm, and her love of the color pink.
As you move through the world you meet people whose generosity changes the way you perceive yourself and inspires you to be the kind of person who evokes that feeling in others. I count myself fortunate beyond measure to include Jackie Cantor, Scott Dikkers, Beth Kephart, and Lisa See among these people.
I am enormously grateful to Chuck Andrews, Dori Andrunas, Philip Bryan, Carmella Cornett, Don Cornett, Lisa Doctor, Elizabeth Ericson, Cheryl Farrell, Lindsay Fisher, Lindsay Lang, Lisa Rae Page Rosenberg, Jacki Schklar, Leslie Schuster, Adam Sexton, Chloe Skew, Chris and Patricia Steele, Jennifer Viney, and Melanda Woo. Many, many thanks as well to all of the readers, commenters and coconspirators who make the Internet a damn friendly’and funny’place to be.
And, to my little family’Dan, Madison, and Henry’the deepest thanks of all for your patience, your encouragement and your cheers, and for providing the most loving nest a girl could have from which to spread her wings.
Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist whose work has appeared online at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Big Jewel, Funny not Slutty, and My Pheme, among others. Her essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated. She is the author of the comic novel Act Busy and recently completed her second, Doing Time in the Garden of Happiness.
Anna has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge, and M Bar. She presented her humorous essays at Women Who Write in Los Angeles and appeared in the “Listen to Your Mother” show in the Los Angeles cast of its national program. Anna’s fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles.
Anna writes a popular humor blog called Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder (LifeJustKeepsGettingWeirder.blogspot.com), where she ponders what a Jedi smells like and wonders why more men don’t wear urban sport kilts. She has twice been asked to speak on the topic of comedy-writing at BlogHer, the world’s largest conference for women in social media.
She lives in Santa Monica, California, with her husband, their son and daughter, and some judgmental dogs. Visit Anna at www.annalefler.com or follow her on Twitter: @AnnaLefler
Copyright © 2011 by F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN-10: 1-4405-2984-1
ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-2984-9
eISBN-10: 1-4405-3122-6
eISBN-13: 978-1-4405-3122-4
Printed in the United States of America.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.
Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.