“When can I hold them?”
“There are a few things we need to check on first before we’ll be able to let you hold them. It might be later today, or it might be in a couple of days.”
“And goin’ home?” That was the one thing that mattered most—takin’ them, and my wife, home.
“I’m afraid it’s still too early to tell. I’ll leave you with them for a while.”
I nodded and stood between the two incubators, starin’ in at my baby girls. Angel slipped her hand into mine, silently lettin’ me know that she understood the deluge of emotion coursin’ through me. I was glad she was there because I had li’l hope of gettin’ through it alone.
“They’re going to be all right,” she murmured to me. “Little Emma and Abby.”
“I just hope Phoebe is gonna be all right too.”
Angel rested her head on my shoulder. “She will be. She has to be. She didn’t go through all of this just to leave us now.”
“Yeah.” I wanted so badly to believe Angel.
“Plus, now that she’s not pregnant anymore, it’ll be less stress on her body as a whole, so she’ll be able to look at the donation route again. You can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be getting checked to see if I’m a match.”
“It’s a lot to give up.”
“Are you kidding me? She’s already got half of my heart; she might as well have my kidney too.”
“Only half of your heart?” I raised my brow.
Angel hummed. “I can’t afford to give it all to her, not when she has you.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. “Can I tell ya somethin’?”
“Anything.”
“I ain’t never been more scared in my life.”
She gave a sharp inhale and nodded. “I understand, but you know Phoebe as well as I do. She’s a fighter. She’ll get through this.”
I hoped to God and everythin’ above that Angel was right.
“Are you going to be all right for a moment?” Angel asked before disappearing when I assured her I would. She spoke to the nurse for a brief moment before leaving the room. While she did, I watched as machines pumped air into my tiny daughters’ weak lungs.
My girls.
It still felt surreal to think the two itty-bitty babies in the incubators were my daughters.
“Howdy, babies. I guess I’m your welcomin’ party.” I took the seat that sat between them. “Y’all know your mama went through so much to bring ya both into this world, don’t ya my li’l darlin’s? She loves y’all more than anythin’ else, and the minute she wakes up, she’s gonna be burstin’ with excitement to come and see ya both. She’s gonna be the most wonderful mama to y’all. You’re both so lucky ’cause you’re gonna have more love than you can handle between your mama, your grandparents, your Aunty Angel, and me.”
Glancin’ up as I said the words, I spotted Angel lingerin’ near the end of the cribs.
“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to intrude. I just thought I’d get some photos for Phoebe. The nurse said it was okay. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Absolutely not.” It would help introduce Phoebe to the girls she gave so much for.
I watched as she moved around the area takin’ some photos of the two.
“Ya know they’re identical twins, right, sweetness?” I asked as she took picture number one hundred and fifty of the one on the right.
“What’s your point?”
“Well, ya could take all the photos of just one o’ them, and no one would know.” It was a joke, but I needed to make it or I was gonna go stir crazy.
“I would know, and trust me, Phoebe would know. Besides, I’ve got to balance out their baby books.”
“Thank you for bein’ here. For doin’ all of this. There ain’t a lot of thanks in it, but I want ya to know I appreciate it.”
“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. I love you and Phoebe more than anything else. Although”—she smiled as she stared in at one of the babies—“you might actually have a little competition now.”
“Is that right?”
“Yeah, I—”
Her rebuttal cut off when a nurse rushed to my side.
“Mr. Miller, we’ve been asked to let you know your wife is back in her room.”
“She’s awake?”
“Yeah, she’s awake. And she’s been asking for you.”
“Go,” Angel said. “I’ll stay here and watch these two treasures for you.”
It was evident the excuse was to give me some privacy as much as anything else. I couldn’t fight the smile on my face as I rushed back to Phoebe’s side.
She was awake. The girls were fine. Life didn’t get any better.
I skidded into Phoebe’s room. As she gave me a weary smile from her pale, washed-out face, I wondered whether that could possibly last. “How are they?”
“How are you?”
She shook her head. “You first.”
“The doctor didn’t tell ya?”
“He said a whole heap about a number of things and told me that they were in NICU, but I’m asking you how they are.” The more she spoke, the more drawn out and slurred her words became. It made me want to insist she sleep again even as I wanted to talk to her for hours. “You have seen them haven’t you?”
“Yeah, darlin’, I just came from there. They’re beautiful, just like I knew they would be.”
Her blink was slow, her eyes stayin’ closed for nearly ten seconds before adding, “They are healthy, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, but they’re so tiny. Smaller than Georgia ever was. Angel’s with them now, and she’s takin’ some photos for ya. Now, how do you feel?”
“Like death.”
“Darlin’ . . .” I trailed off. My voice held a warnin’ that I wasn’t wantin’ to hear that word, but I didn’t wanna finish the sentence because I didn’t want her to start downplayin’ the way she felt either.
“It’s okay, Beau. I’m okay. I’m just tired.”
“Not too tired to fight for me, I hope?”
She gave me a sleepy grin. “Never.”
I clutched her hand between mine. “It’s not gonna be an easy one.”
“I know.” She muttered the words even as she drifted off to sleep.
I took up my too-familiar vigil at her bedside while she drifted into sleep. The hum of the machinery and the rise and fall of her chest were the only reassurances I had that I hadn’t lost her already.
CHAPTER SIX: WASTED
A LI’L OVER a week later, at the beginnin’ of February, Phoebe was given the all clear to visit the babies. We had to use the wheelchair to get her ’round the hospital because she still had the drip in her arm and hadn’t managed to stay on her feet for more than a few steps at a time. None of that mattered a lick when I saw her face light up the instant she saw our girls though.
She lifted her hand to her mouth and started to cry. “They’re so perfect.”
I stood behind her and rubbed her shoulders. “They are.”
“I’ve been so terrified I’d get a call that something had happened to one of them,” she admitted. “That what happened to Emmanuel would happen.” Before I could respond, she shook off the fear. “Which one is which?”
“I can’t tell,” I joked.
She nudged my stomach. “Don’t be silly.”
“We haven’t named ’em officially yet. We were waitin’ until you could tell us which was which.”
She looked between the two. “This one is Emmaline,” she said as she laid her hand on the incubator on the right. “And this one is Abigail. If you still like those names?”
“I love ’em, darlin’. I’ll get all the paperwork done up to say that.”
“Still no word on when they can go home?”
Because the doctors and nurses managin’ Phoebe’s health were more concerned with keepin’ her healthy, they didn’t talk too much to her about the babies. It meant she got all of her information second hand from me.
“N
ot yet, but they said we might get to hold ’em soon. I already helped with the diapers.”
“This isn’t quite the way I wanted this,” she admitted in a near-silent whisper. I bent down to see tears in her eyes. She met my eye, and the corner of her lip twitched. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. I just wish I could hold them already. I wish I were healthy enough to be here more. I wish we were all at home, living like a family like we should be.”
“We will be, darlin’. You’re gettin’ better every day, ain’t ya?”
She bit her lip before noddin’. “Yep. At least, the dialysis is working better now again.”
“Any word on when you can come home?”
“Soon.”
“I’m gonna hold ya to that. Are ya all right for the moment?”
After Phoebe nodded, I headed off to find the nurse and begged for a favor. She looked between Phoebe and me a few times before consultin’ the girls’ charts and agreein’. I couldn’t fight my smile when she agreed.
“Darlin’, I got some great news.”
“What’s that?”
“Emma is doin’ great.”
She frowned and I could see the worry in her eyes. Did she think me saying Emma was doin’ great meant Abby wasn’t?
“I mean Emma is doin’ best, and the nurse here, well, she told me you could hold her for a li’l while if ya want.”
Phoebe’s entire bein’ lifted and her eyes brightened. “Really?”
“Yeah. If you think you’re up for it.”
“Are you kidding? I’m more than up for it.”
After a li’l wranglin’ to get Phoebe’s wheelchair in place, and shiftin’ the wires and IV in her and in Emma, the nurse lifted the bigger of our daughters into Phoebe’s hold.
“Hi, baby,” Phoebe murmured. The expression on her face—a mix of awe, love, and fierce protectiveness—was worth the beggin’ I’d had to do.
“We can probably take the CPAP machine off for a few minutes if you like?” the nurse added.
“It won’t hurt her?” Phoebe asked without tearin’ her eyes away from our daughter for even a second.
“Not for a short time. Her lungs are developing well, and she’s putting on a good amount of weight.”
“What about Abby?” Phoebe asked. “Is she going okay?”
“It’s typical in these cases for one twin to do a little better than the other. Abby is moving in the right direction, just not quite as quickly as this little one.”
I couldn’t resist snappin’ a couple of photos on my phone while Phoebe held our daughter close to her chest. She sat like that until the nurse took Emma away.
“Would you like to change her nappy?” the nurse asked Phoebe.
“I never thought I’d get excited about saying yes to a request like that,” Phoebe laughed.
Over the next few days, Phoebe got to spend more time with the babies, and soon both Emma and Abby were able to be held. When that happened, Phoebe held one while I held the other.
The time with the girls seemed to work wonders on Phoebe. She smiled more, and her health improved enough that she was given the clearance to go home—even if the babies weren’t.
When I took Phoebe home, Angel had a welcomin’ party for her that included all of Phoebe’s closest family. Every one of her siblings came over, as well as her aunts, uncles, and cousins. Angel had stretched a big sign across the wall to welcome her home.
Durin’ the party, Alyssa pulled me to one side. “Happy birthday for yesterday, Beau.”
“Thank you.” She was the first person to wish me a happy birthday, but that didn’t matter to me. It wasn’t surprisin’ that Phoebe and Angel had lost track of the days with everythin’ else goin’ on.
“The big three-oh, huh?”
The number seemed so meaningless considerin’ what we were goin’ through. “Yeah.”
She frowned, no doubt realizin’ that it wasn’t the most important thing to me. “No more word on when the girls might be able to come home?”
“Not yet. Probably a few more weeks at least.”
She nodded. “The waiting is the hardest part.”
“I don’t know how ya did it when Phoebe was a baby. It musta been so much more difficult with everythin’ else goin’ on.”
She led me further away from everyone else. “It wasn’t easy, just like it’s not easy for you now. All you can do is what you’re doing. You’re there for Phoebe, and you’re there for the girls. That’s the most anyone can ask.”
“All I can ask is that they’re all healthy.”
She sighed. “I know. You’re doing great.”
“Yeah. Can ya remind me of that when this is all over?”
“Sure thing.” She gave me another hug and then headed back to the party.
I turned away as my thoughts turned dark. It was hard to be in a celebratory mood when Phoebe was still sick. She mighta been home, but it was only a temporary respite until she could get a transplant. It was hard to be happy when the babies were still in the hospital.
“What was that about?” Phoebe’s voice broke into my thoughts. I spun around to welcome her into my arms—tryin’ ta ignore the fact that she was still so pale and thin.
“Nothin’, just talkin’ to ya mama about—”
“Shit!” She cut me off. “Shit. I’m so sorry, Beau. I’m such an arsehole.”
“What?”
“It’s the eighth. It didn’t even hit me. I’m sorry.” She moved closer to me and cupped my face. “Happy birthday. I’m sorry I forgot. I lost track of the days.”
“Darlin’, it’s okay. I understand. I ain’t been trackin’ them either.”
“You should be mad at me. Especially considering it was a milestone one.”
“I ain’t mad at you. We’ve had a bit goin’ on. And the only milestone birthday I wanna celebrate is your next one.”
Her gaze fell to the ground, and she flinched. “We have had a bit going on haven’t we?”
“And we ain’t outta the woods yet.”
“They’ll be all right, Beau.”
“It ain’t just the babies I’m worried about.”
She rested her head on my chest, and I held her as tight as I dared—worried I might break her the whole time. “I’ll be okay.”
“Ya promise?”
She buried herself further into my arms. “I want to, but I don’t know if I can anymore.”
“What?”
“I won’t make a promise that I might have to break.”
Instead of respondin’, I just pulled her tighter. It was a promise I’d get out of her again no matter what. I needed her to stay with me. We needed to celebrate her birthday—both her twenty-fourth and beyond.
LIFE BECAME chaotic.
Any routine we’d followed had long flown out the window—it was impossible to set a routine around a life when we didn’t know what was gonna happen one day to the next. For the next three weeks, we tried the best we could. Angel, Phoebe, and I all spent time up at the hospital with the girls. We were there when they were moved from NICU into the special care nursery. We were there for feeds and diaper changes. When each tube was disconnected, and for every li’l milestone the twins hit.
Each day, I helped Phoebe take care of the babies and tried to ignore the new yellowish coloration to her skin that seemed to worsen by the day. She assured me her doctors were aware of the new symptom and that everything was under control. That didn’t stop me watchin’ her like a hawk for any more symptoms though.
“Beau, take Abby, I don’t feel—”
The instant she’d started to speak, I was movin’ for her. By the time her sentence cut off, and her eyes rolled back in her head, I had our daughter in my arms. It meant I didn’t have any hope of catching Phoebe before she fell though.
“Help!” I shouted. I didn’t care what babies I woke up or what chaos my words caused, I just wanted someone to come over and help my wife. Minutes later, the room was a flurry of activity, and then there was
a gurney brought as close as possible before the hospital staff lifted Phoebe onto it.
Even as I rushed along behind her, I was on the phone to Angel beggin’ her to come to the hospital. Phoebe was taken straight to ICU, and I was blocked from followin’ her. I begged every doctor, nurse, and orderly I could find to let me see her, but each one gave me a resoundin’ no.
After a moment of debate, I left my number with the front desk and headed back to the special care nursery. It wasn’t that I wanted to leave Phoebe, but I wasn’t doin’ no one no good sittin’ ’round there. The place was still in disarray, other parents panicked and babies cryin’ and screamin’. I found my way to the girls and sat between them. Then I buried my head in my hands and let go of everythin’ that wasn’t worry for my wife.
How could I do this alone?
CHAPTER SEVEN: SLEEP NOW
“BEAU, WHAT’S WRONG?”
I didn’t know how much time had passed, just that I hadn’t noted any of it while I sat grievin’ over Phoebe’s ills. Obviously, it’d been enough for Angel to find her way to the hospital and to my side.
“It’s Phoebe,” I choked. “She passed out.”
“Again? God. I thought that was all over now that the babies are . . .”
“There ain’t never been no guarantees. I think she’s real sick, sweetness. I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t lose her.”
“You won’t lose her. Not if I can help it.”
“Ya might not have a choice in the matter.”
Angel cupped my cheeks. “You won’t lose her. I can promise you that. Phoebe is a fighter.”
It was clear she’d intended to pacify me with her words—to give me the strength to make me fight another day—but even she didn’t have faith in them.
In the tears in her eyes and the lies on her lips, I could see Angel’s fear.
“Come here.” She didn’t give me a chance to resist as she wrapped her arms around me.
I let her give me her comfort, and I took every one of her reassurin’ words. I did it all for her. When I got the call that Phoebe was stable, I took one last comforting touch from Angel before headin’ down to find Phoebe.
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