by Andy Mandela
The sun has set now. Past my window, I only see black. Then… I doze off. Here we can cut to the time when I wake back up, because I can’t remember anything in between. It’s still dark out, meaning it can be anywhere from six in the evening to six in the morning. It doesn’t matter to me either way. Without moving my head or body, my eyes find the clock. 9:43 p.m. I can still feel the effects of the indigo lingering in my body. I feel lost, but safe. I’m lying with my whole body on the ground. At some point I’m unable to recall, I must have tilted and fell to the ground. The left side of my face now rests comfortably on the carpet. I roll over, now lying on my back, facing the ceiling in a Vitruvian Man pose.
I lie for I don’t know how long until… my phone rings. The phone is in my pocket. With my eyes still fixated on the ceiling, I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I don’t recognize the number, but I answer it anyway.
“Yeah?” Nothing. I hear no response, but I can tell someone is on the other end. I can tell. Then… whoever was on the other end hangs up. I offered one last “hello” before the line went dead. Upon hanging up, I sit up and decide to go to Brandon’s party. I don’t even bother to change clothes. I’ve got on a pocket t-shirt, the same one I’ve been wearing all day. Also, I have on some stonewashed jeans. I slowly rise from the floor, completely in silence, only able to hear the sound of my slow breathing. I had thrown my hoodie on my bed, so I lift it, put it on, and stumble to the door.
Once outside, I start wondering how I got there. I can barely remember riding the elevator down. Funny. Now I see the streetlight staring at me as I once again walk to my car. I feel like time is simultaneously speeding up and slowing down. It’s a weird feeling, but a good one nonetheless. By the time I reach my car, I have this underlying feeling that the sun could rise any minute.
Then I’m off, to a party that I still strangely feel I shouldn’t be going to. Funny how my night hasn’t even begun yet… I hope. Brandon lives in the suburbs, which is almost a fifteen minute drive from where I live. As I’m driving, the high begins to wear off. It feels like a plane nose diving straight to Earth. It’s fine, because once I get to Brandon’s party, the plane will take off once again. I just hope the party isn’t some kind of formal affair, with women in cocktail dresses and men in tuxedos. I’ll look like a black sheep running around.
When I’m about halfway there, I can tell the indigo has pretty much left the building. My phone is ringing again in the pocket of my hoodie. I kept it there so wouldn’t have to fidget in my jeans for it. I pull it out, and the first thing I notice is that it’s the same number that was calling me earlier when I was glued to the floor of my bedroom. At first, I didn’t want to answer, thinking that whoever it could have been was trying to mess with me again. I don’t like wasting my time with stupid crap like that. Yet, somehow, I feel compelled to find out who it is.
“Hello?” I answer for the second time. About two seconds pass by before I hear a voice, a female voice say, “Hi. Is this Luke?” I didn’t even recognize the voice, but somehow she knew me. “Who is this?” I asked, trying to be polite. However, I feel people should identify themselves before asking other people who they are.
“Hello, my name’s Hannah. Um… Brandon Harris gave me your number. He said he thought I might like you and told me to give you a call, so… you know… we could… hang out, or do something.”
“Uh…,” I respond. I’m not sure what to say. But before I get to say or even think of what to say, she continues, “I tried calling earlier, but… I didn’t hear anything. I must have said hello about five times, but you didn’t answer. I thought I would try again, so here I am… calling you.” I didn’t answer? What does she mean I didn’t answer? Immediately, another thought ran through my mind. What if Hannah is the girl I’ve been looking for?
“Are you at Brandon’s party night now?” I ask.
“No. I’m at home. It’s just, I felt like I needed someone to talk to, and it must seem strange that I called a total stranger, but… you know… maybe we could get together and… maybe have lunch or something. That is if you’re interested.”
I could tell Hannah had more on her mind than the old quick fix, so maybe she could really be the one I’ve been looking for. I don’t know. I pull into an empty gas station parking lot to gather my thoughts, not wanting to be distracted while driving.
“Sure,” I say, “That sounds nice. What are doing in the morning for breakfast?” I didn’t want to be too forward and invite her over to my place just to fuck things up for myself right as I may have found the one.
“Nothing,” she answers.
“How about we meet at the diner on Polk Street at nine,” I suggest.
“Ok.” Her voice now sounded cheery. I’m glad I was able to lift her spirit.
“Great,” I said, “see you then. We both hang up. Now I don’t feel up to going to any party anywhere. I pull out of the parking lot and head back home. Tomorrow morning, I may have a real chance at a real relationship. The entire way back, I wonder if I’ll like her, if I can actually have someone to trust again… love. She sounded a lot like me, someone who was lonely and just looking for someone to at least spend time with. I think I’ll like her, though.
When I get back, I go inside, I tear off a piece of paper from a page in a spiral I used for one of my classes. I wrote down Hannah’s number and her name under it. Funny, I was beginning to get tired again, so I take off my hoodie, shirt, and so forth until I’m only in my boxer-briefs. I walk to my bed, fall face first into the pillow, then fall asleep. Falling asleep tonight was easy as well.
The next morning, I wake up a little after eight. It doesn’t take me long to get ready, so I decide to snooze just a little bit longer. I’m anxious about breakfast today. Will she like me?
Enough. Just quit thinking and just do. About fifteen minutes later, I finally get out of bed and get dressed. I comb my hair and do other things I don’t normally do first thing in the morning. It’s a quarter until nine when I leave the door, and nine o’ clock on the dot when I actually pull into the diner. There are a few cars here, no telling if Hannah has even arrived yet. I don’t want to call or text her, since that would just make me look way too desperate. Instead, I go inside. I’ll wait for her if she’s not here, or join her if she is. But I have no idea what she looks like. I walk in and look around. I don’t see any girls sitting alone, just other people sitting, minding their own business, and enjoying their breakfast in peace. So I find an empty booth and sit down. Within seconds, a waitress comes over.
“How are you today?” she asks as fake as possible.
“Good,” I reply.
“Just one?”
“No, actually, I am meeting someone. But I’ll have an orange juice while I wait.”
“Sure thing,” she says, then takes off. I wait a couple minutes while drinking my orange juice. The glass is half empty and I’m wondering if Hannah is even going to show up at all. I check my phone several times to see if she had sent me a message. None. No messages and no missed calls. You know, I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t show up. I knew that it sounded too good to be true. I think I’ll just finish my orange juice and leave.
Right as I reach for my glass for a final time, I hear a voice behind me softly say, “Luke?” My heart sank and I don’t know why. I turn my head to see a lovely woman standing on the outside of the booth. She had light brunette hair and piercing light brown eyes, complimented by a tiny bit of eye makeup that made her look mysteriously seductive. But she appeared as though she wasn’t even aware of her own beauty. She had her hair in a low messy bun. With a long lock of hair right in the peripherals of her eye. I stand up to greet her, unsure of whether I should hug her, give her a handshake, or foolishly wave. Alternatively, I direct my hand towards the empty seat across from mine.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi,” she returns.
“Hannah… it’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too.” We both
take a seat in the booth, then spend the next few minutes awkwardly skimming through our menus. I put my menu away and attempt to say something.
“I feel like… we’ve got a few things in common It’s only a feeling, seeing how I don’t know you at all, but it’s just one of those instincts that you know has to be true.” She stares at me with those brown eyes of hers, almost making me forget what I just said.
“Well…” she says with a light smile, “…what do you think some of those things are?” It doesn’t take me long to think of a response.
“Off the top of my head, I can tell that we’re both relatively lonely, searching for something that can fill that gap that… only seems to get larger as time goes by. And I can assure you right now, that doing something as simple as eating breakfast with someone else can fill that gap just enough to where my sanity doesn’t cave in. I don’t know what it is that you might be looking for, but me, I’m getting tired of never seeing anyone for a second time.”
“And why’s that?” she inquires.
“I haven’t quite figure that out yet. You know, I could ramble all day long about that, but, to be honest, I’m sick of the past. I don’t spend enough time paying attention to the moment I’m living in… like right now. Frankly, I’d like to get to know someone else for a change.” I wasn’t sure if I had blown it yet, but I wish I could just stop talking.
We order our food, and I spend the rest of the morning listening to her story. I guess I haven’t screwed up enough to scare her off. That’s good. That’s a plus. We actually hit it off pretty well. She is the same age as I am, in school, and has trouble with relationships. I can’t understand why that’s so, but I’m not going to judge her. Hannah might as well be the female version of me. However, she has a legitimate job, instead of selling dope like me. She’s not the pathetic one at the table. I continue to listen to her, wondering if I truly want to impose myself in her life. Do I want to break this sweet girl’s heart? Do I really have what it takes to start a new relationship right now? I thought I did, but it was just because I wanted one so badly. Now that I realize that I have a potential opportunity, it’s not what I need right now. I need to change who I am, to become the kind of man who deserves a woman like Hannah. I need to have something to offer her, not just a promise that I’ll be there for her. A million guys can do that. I need to have something about myself that can improve her life… forever. Not just a couple of weeks or months.
“You know what the strangest thing is?” Hannah mentions. She has my full attention.
“What’s that?” I respond.
“We feel so comfortable talking about ourselves, despite only being total strangers. I guess you were right about us being so alike.” I have to agree, but also have to interrupt.
“Listen, Hannah…” I feel like she knew what I was going to say, like she could read my mind. “…right now… isn’t the best time for me to… get involved with anyone.” I attempt to put my hand over hers, but she pulls away, then the look in her eyes told me that she was ready to leave.
“I should’ve known,” she mutters, completely turned off. A reaction like that indicates that she has been through this before. It also indicates that she too was looking for a relationship, or maybe she was just thinking I wasn’t interested in her. I know I have to fix this.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I quickly utter, “don’t go anywhere. Hear me out please. She stayed to let me give her one final plea. “My life is a wreck right now. It would be useless starting a new relationship on those terms. I need time. But I promise you…” I attempt to put my hand over hers one more time. This time she doesn’t pull away. “When things are better, I will talk to you again. You are right. We are strangers. But I like you. That’s why I want to wait. You deserve so much better and I want to give you that. But I need time.” I give her one of the most sincere looks I’ve ever given anyone. “I give you my word.”
“Okay,” Hannah accepts.
“Come on,” I say. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Alright,” she says, with a forgiving look. She brushes the stray locks of hair in front of her face behind her ear. I take out some money and throw it on the table. I want to walk Hannah to her car, to let her know that I care about her.
Just as she reaches her car door, I tell her, “Before you go…” Her bod turns to face me. I look into her piercing eyes as she waits for me to say or do something else. I hug her. Her arms reach over my shoulders as I rest my chin on her shoulder.
“Goodbye.” I say it first, then her.
“Call me when you get things straightened out,” she tells me.
“Will do,” I tell her. Hannah gets in her car and drives off. Afterwards, I go to my own. I really hope I see her again.
Chapter 4
The remainder of the day consisted of making a bit of money from something I don’t want to be a part of anymore. The day ends with me back in Jade’s Pub contemplating how I plan to retire from my day job and make myself into the man I want to be. I still give myself the credit of still being in college. Maybe I should just sell it all and put the money in the bank. I could start life over, and it wouldn’t be too hard. But I need to use the time wisely. After all, people don’t just change overnight. No one does. Even though I feel like I’m doing the right thing, I also feel like shit at the same time. When I was a kid, I never expected that this would be the life I’d be living now. It just doesn’t make sense. I feel like the only people who are successful are the ones born that way. You know, the ones with rich parents who put them through school and give them virtually anything. Me, I wasn’t brought up in a broken home, but I was a rebellious teenager nonetheless. I guess that phase stuck around so long, it got the better of me. But look at me now. I am successful, in a sort of way. But I make dirty money. I have no one to share my life, my apartment, or my time with. That last thought makes me take another drink. When you get older, you begin to feel like you have to belong somewhere, especially if you’re alone, then the feeling is only worse. As teenagers, we don’t think so far into the future to know how our lives will turn out. Instead, we live in the moment. Unfortunately, I’ve found myself dwelling in the past for so long, the future is starting to escape me. It’s time for me to start thinking ahead again. I feel like I’m contradicting thoughts that I’ve made in the past. Maybe that a sign of me beginning to change… hopefully.
I keep Hannah in my mind to keep me sort of motivated. Her name is kind of like my mantra. I’ve only known her since this morning, but… I don’t know. At the same time, I feel as if she was ready to move on. How embarrassing would it be for me to change so that I would finally be ready to begin a normal life and have a beautiful woman with me only to find out that she has either lost interest or found somebody else? But I shouldn’t think like that. Only positives from now on, right? Right.
I take another drink, keeping Hannah’s image in my head. What comes to mind first are her mysterious eyes, so innocent, yet so seductive. They’re not plain and absent of liveliness like I’ve seen in the eyes of others. You can’t look at them once and soon forget about them. The real mystery is how she is single. She doesn’t have an hourglass body, nor are the contours of her body completely parallel, as though she’s a rectangle. She is fit. Perfect skin, smile, eyes, legs… Sorry. I might be getting carried away. The point is, if I want a gorgeous woman like Hannah, I need to deserve her.