by Kieran Scott
That, and figuring out how the hell I was going to explain about Chloe.
My mother was sipping tea by my bedside when I woke up the next morning. All the blinds were closed and the entire room looked gray. Even my mother’s skin looked gray.
“Mom?” I croaked.
My throat was dry and felt like it was covered in sour-tasting fuzz. She put her tea down on the bedside table and leaned toward me as I rolled onto my side. There was a huge bouquet of colorful flowers in a vase next to my bed. Where had those come from? Was I sick enough to merit flowers?
“Are you okay? Do you need to throw up again?” my mother asked.
My eyes rolled in disgust as the memories of last night came flooding back, and just like that, my head began to pound. It was like someone was playing a timpani drum at the center of my skull, radiating sound waves out to every corner of my head.
“I don’t think so,” I said, bringing my hand to my forehead.
She lifted a glass of water from the nightstand and I tried to push myself up. I couldn’t get there, though, and settled for leaning back against the pillows at a forty-five-degree angle, where I slowly sipped the water. My mother sighed through her nose and pushed the hair back from my forehead with the palm of her hand. The way she was studying my face made me sad. She’d never looked at me that way before. In that what am I going to do? helpless kind of way.
“You’re getting married,” I said finally.
She tilted her head. “Oh, Ally.”
My lip started to tremble and a tear plopped from my eye onto my hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cry. It’s just—”
“You’ve had a rough few days. A lot’s gone on,” my mother said. “We don’t have to talk about it now.”
I took a deep, broken breath and looked toward the window, trying not to cry for real. I choked a little, though, and a few sobs came out. I felt like such a loser, all hungover and gross, with my mother waiting on me. And like I didn’t know which way was up. Who were my friends? Who was my boyfriend? Where was I going to live? Would my dad move away again? And all the while, that timpani drum was pounding away, trying to shatter my skull.
“Here. Take these.”
My mom held out a couple of Tylenol. I swallowed them gratefully and lay back again.
“We don’t have to talk about it now, but we are going to talk about it,” my mother assured me, smoothing my hair again. Her hand felt cold and steady, comforting and perfect. “You and I are going to be doing a lot of talking over the next few days.”
I nodded slowly. “I know.”
“Good,” she said. “Right now I think you should try to get some more rest.”
“Okay,” I replied, my voice thick.
I shakily put the glass down on the table, next to the flowers. She picked up her tea and started to go.
“Mom?” I said when she got to the door.
“Yeah?”
“Was . . . was Jake here last night?” I asked.
“He’s still here. He’s asleep in the guest room,” she replied.
My heart pounded against my rib cage. I had this odd memory of him holding my hand, looking into my eyes, but that was it. What was he doing here? What had happened between us? What had I said?
My mother turned to face me. “Hon, you know that I love you, right? No matter what.”
My throat closed over. “Yeah.”
“Good. And I have to tell you . . . I think that kid does too,” she said.
I blinked, confused. “What kid does what?”
“Jake. After what he did for you last night, it’s pretty clear to me that that guy is in love.”
Then she smiled and quietly closed the door.
I was in and out of sleep all night, confused about where I was, worried about Ally. At one point I could have sworn that Annie chick snuck into my room and took a picture of me with her phone, but I hoped it was just a dream. I finally woke up for good at ten, got dressed in my jeans and a T-shirt Ally’s mom had left for me, and then basically hid out in the guest room all morning. Every now and then a door would open and close. I heard Ally’s mom whispering to Shannen’s mom at some point, and around eleven someone brewed coffee downstairs, making the whole house smell like work. A few minutes after that, Annie left, even though Ally’s mom kind of begged her to stay. That conversation was full-volume and Annie did not sound happy. Finally I thought I heard Ally’s door open and my heart skipped. I peeked out into the hallway just in time to see her slip into the bathroom at the other end.
She took a fifteen-minute-long shower, then went back to her room. I watched the clock, waited five minutes—long enough for her to get dressed—then rushed over to her room. My pulse pounding in my ears, I knocked quietly on her door.
Nothing.
I knocked again. A second later, it opened a crack. Her hair was wet and combed back from her face. I could only see one eye.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
“Can I come in? Just for a sec?” I asked.
She cleared her throat and stepped back. “Sure.”
As I walked inside, she turned around and headed for the end of the bed. Then she paused and turned to face me. She was wearing her Orchard Hill basketball T-shirt and sweatpants and she looked tired, but beautiful. I had no idea where to start. For a long moment we just stood there, looking at each other. Ally toyed with her fingers. I shoved my hands under my arms.
“So are you, like, with Chloe?” she blurted all of a sudden.
“No,” I said. “No. Definitely not. We just—it was one time. One . . . thing. And it didn’t matter. It was stupid. But we’re definitely not together. We haven’t even talked since we—”
I didn’t have time to finish my sentence because Ally closed the space between us and kissed me. Pure relief rushed through me, cooling me from the inside out. I pulled her toward me and held her as close to me as I possibly could. Her mouth tasted minty and clean, like she’d spent that entire fifteen minutes in the bathroom brushing her teeth.
Finally she pulled away. She rested her forehead on my chest and looked down. All I could see was her wet hair.
“I missed you so much,” she breathed.
I tilted my head back and put my hands on her shoulders. I could hardly believe this was happening. I was finally getting to touch her. To kiss her. It was all happening. “I missed you, too.”
She turned so that the side of her face was against my chest, and wrapped her arms around me tight. “Thanks for last night. Shannen told me what you did.”
“She did?” I asked, running my hand over her hair. “When?”
“This morning. Before she left to meet Charlie for breakfast,” she said.
“Oh.” It was all I could think to say. Shannen was helping me out with Ally now? What the hell had gone on down here this summer? But then I realized, it didn’t matter. I’d decided something last night. Something important. And it was time to man up. I cleared my throat and pushed her away gently, holding her at arm’s length.
“There’s something I have to say,” I said seriously, looking her in the eye.
She smiled. “Oookay.” She was mocking me—mocking my tone—but I didn’t care.
“Okay. Here it is. I love you,” I said. “And I never, ever wanted to hurt you. It’s, like, the number one thing I never want to do, but somehow, I keep doing it. And I’m sorry. I just . . . that’s all I wanted to say all this time. All I was trying to do . . . with that thing with your dad, not telling you . . . was not hurt you. And I’m sorry that I did.”
Ally stared at me.
“And I’m sorry that I did it again. With the Chloe thing. Which was stupid. Like, really, really stupid. And I—”
“Can you just stop, for a second?” Ally said, holding up a hand.
“What?” I said.
“Can you say the first part again?” she asked, rolling her fingers around for a rewind.
I racked my brain.
“U
m . . . I love you?” I said.
“That’s the part. Cuz I love you, too.”
And then she smiled. A slow, happy, blissful, perfect smile. I leaned in to kiss her, and for the first time all summer, everything was right.
Daily Field Journal of Annie Johnston Friday, August 13
Position: CVS (God, I feel like I’m ALWAYS here).
Cover: None. This is my life.
Observations:
11:57 p.m.: The place is dead when the doors slide open and Subject Chloe Appleby walks in. Uniform: oversize OHH T-shirt, gray sweats, rubber flip-flops, messy ponytail, sunglasses, baseball cap. (Note: See time stamp. Assessment: Someone’s undercover.) Subject Chloe walks slowly down the makeup aisle. She picks up CoverGirl powder, puts it down. Inspects a Neutrogena lip gloss, puts it down. (Assessment: She’s not really shopping. Girl would never let drugstore cosmetics near her perfect self.)
12:01 a.m.: Technically we’re supposed to be closing, but my manager has a strict policy against kicking anyone out.
12:05 a.m.: Subject Chloe finally arrives at the back of the store. Where, as has been established, the condoms live. Suddenly, I am very awake and happy behind the counter.
12:06 a.m.: Subject Chloe speed walks toward the front of the store. She emerges from the end of the aisle, a box tucked under her arm. All I can see is that the packaging is white. (Query: Which condoms have white packaging? Note: Check that later.) She sees me and freezes. Her skin, behind those sunglasses, goes frighteningly pale. And then, before I can even think of a quip, she turns and sprints out the door. The alarms go off. My manager runs up from the back. Subject Chloe’s car zooms out of the parking lot.
Manager: Did you see that girl? Do you know her?
My mouth just kind of hangs open. (Note: I could get Chloe Appleby arrested right now. The knowledge of this, the sheer power, makes me heady with glee.)
Manager: Annie? What did she take? Does she go to your school?
And then, I hear myself say it.
Me: I’ve never seen her before in my life.
(Assessment: I need my head examined.)
And suddenly I was packing again. Packing to move in with Gray and Quinn. We’d been home for just over a week, and already I’d picked out my very own room in the Nathanson house. It had a window seat and built-in bookcases and a king-size bed, but I still hated it. I was trying not to, but I did. I just could not wrap my brain around how this was going to work. Living with Gray. Living with Quinn. All of us eating dinner together and spending weekends together and holidays and birthdays and the wedding.
Ugh. The wedding.
I picked up a framed photograph from the day my parents had renewed their vows at the shore. My eyes prickled with hot tears and I clenched my teeth. Before I could start blubbering, I wrapped it up in newspaper and shoved it into the bottom of a box.
It’s over, Ally. Get used to it.
Out in the living room, my mother and Gray laughed, and my shoulder muscles curled. At least Gray’s house was huge and my room was as far away from theirs as it could get. One of its biggest selling points.
My cell phone beeped and I lunged for it, hoping it was Annie. She hadn’t returned my calls or texts since that night at the shore, and I’d been too chicken to go to CVS and corner her. I guess whatever I said to her that night on the beach had been pretty bad. But still, from everything I’d heard from Jake and Shannen, things might have been a lot worse if she hadn’t been there for me. Why would she save my ass if she was so mad at me? Was this a temporary freeze out, or were we really not friends anymore?
The text was from Shannen. She was packing too. She and her mom were moving into the condos, three doors down from the one we were vacating. The whole thing was so ironic it made both of us want to vomit on an hourly basis.
Found old bball jersey of urs. Want it?
I texted back.
Def. Gotta walkin closet now.
LOL. F U. :P
I laughed and dropped the phone back on my bed. Tomorrow I would track Annie down at work. This could not go on. She’d said some mean things to me that night too, but I was willing to forgive and forget. Maybe she would be too.
The doorbell rang and my heart pitter-pattered happily. Jake was here. For a real date. Our first since Shannen’s party. Who knew that all I needed to trust him again was for him to drive to the shore, save me from getting arrested, and tell me he loved me?
My stupid heart was a very silly thing.
I had decided not to ask him about the Chloe thing, not to know how far they’d gone or where or when or how. In my mind they had only kissed and nothing more. And they were both drunk. And sad over losing me and Hammond. Maybe Jake was actually passed out and Chloe had just taken advantage. That was the version I liked best.
When I opened the door, he was standing there all smiles.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
I smiled. He smiled back. Just standing there, all goofy like that, made my heart full.
“So where’re we going?” he asked.
“Nowhere you can’t walk to!” my mother shouted from the kitchen.
I gritted my teeth. “I’m still grounded, but my mother said we could go out as long as we don’t take your car.”
“Oh.” He knocked his fists together. “Pizza?”
“Pizza’s good,” I replied, reaching for his hand as I stepped outside. “We’re walking to Stanzione’s!” I shouted.
I tugged Jake down the stairs toward the parking lot. He looked over his shoulder at my mom and Gray, and waved.
“Good to see you, Mrs. Ryan . . . Dr. Nathanson.”
“Have her home by eleven, Jake,” Gray said.
I felt warm all over and had to bite back a retort. Something about him not being my father, not making the rules. Yeah. Living with him was going to be interesting. But as the door closed, I vowed not to think about it. Not tonight. I would not let Gray Nathanson ruin this. I swung Jake’s hand back and forth as we crossed the parking lot.
“What are you so smiley about?” Jake asked, grinning as well.
“Just happy to see you,” I told him.
“Do you realize when you move, I’ll be able to get to you in two and a half minutes? I timed it.”
Wow. Could he be any cuter? I leaned my head against his shoulder as we passed by the Orchard View Condominiums sign. “Thanks,” I said.
He squeezed my hand. “For what?”
“For being the one good thing about moving back to the crest.”
Five weeks. Ally and I had been together for five weeks. In that time I had kissed her, like, a thousand times. Held her hand, like, a hundred. Watched her chew on the inside of her cheek while concentrating, wrap her hair around her finger when she didn’t know what to say, dribble ice cream on her shirt while laughing with her mouth full.
And I wasn’t bored. Of any of it.
Every time we hung out, it was just the two of us. And every time we hung out, I didn’t want it to end. Even if we were just lying on my bed watching a movie, my arm around her with her head on my chest—even that went by too quick. I’d spent the last few weeks of summer not wishing I was down the shore but just sort of floating.
And now, it all had to end. Because tomorrow, school was going to start. And there would be no more long afternoons of just me and Ally. Tomorrow the shit storm would begin.
Or maybe tonight. Because tonight was Connor Shale’s back-to-school party. Ally pulled her mom’s car to a stop behind Jessica Cox’s Sebring Convertible, which I only knew was hers because she’d chosen the unfortunate vanity plate that read j coxxx. We both looked up at the window walls of Connor’s house. There were already tons of people inside, and the glass vibrated from the reverb coming off the speakers.
“We don’t have to go in,” I said.
“No. We really don’t,” she replied.
We’d talked about it a million times—whether or not to go to this party. Neither of us had s
poken to Hammond or Chloe since LBI. Ham and I had been at soccer practice together every day for two weeks, but basically ignored each other. Ally had explained that she and Ham had seen Chloe and me that night in town, and assumed we were together. She’d told me it was what I’d said, when she’d mentioned it, that confirmed we’d hooked up. For all we knew, Hammond still just suspected it. He may or may not have spoken to Chloe. Who knew? All I knew was that I wasn’t in contact with a single one of my old friends.
And that I didn’t much care. All I cared about was Ally.
“But we do,” Ally said, unbuckling her seat belt. “I mean, it’s better to get it over with, right? Before school starts?”
“Do you not remember what happened here last year?” I asked.
A shadow passed over her face as she looked back at the front door. I could see it playing out before her eyes. How Faith and Shannen had attacked her. How I hadn’t defended her. How she’d left the place near tears.
“Ice cream?” she suggested suddenly, plugging the seat belt back in.
“Sounds good.”
I was just about to snap my own seat belt tight when my door was flung open and I was yanked out onto the grass. Ally screamed. I looked up to find Hammond standing over me, his arms down at his sides like a boxer’s, his hands curled into fists.
So I guess we knew how Hammond was feeling.
“Hammond! What the hell!” Ally shouted, getting out of the car.
“Get up,” Hammond spat.
I pushed myself up awkwardly and shoved him as hard as I could. “What the fuck are you—”
Slam. His fist hit my cheek so hard I was flung sideways. My eye popped, gushing blinking stars across my vision. I held on to Ally’s car for dear life, blood seeping down my face. My jaw felt crooked and when I tried to move it, tiny slivers of pain crackled toward my temple.
“Hammond!” Ally shouted, her voice cracking. “What’s the matter with you?”
He ignored her and got right in my face. I could smell scotch on his breath. His eyes looked possessed.