by Kimberly Rae
Chapter Thirty-Five
“Are you nervous?”
Ryan looked down at Kayla, his eyes filled with pride and more than a little pleasure as she shifted from one foot to the other. Wrinkling the black material held in her hands, her eyes shifted around him to look into the room.
“There are a lot of girls in that room.”
He turned behind him. “Sure are.” Then he turned back and took her hands, with the black cloth, into his own. “You’ve made an impact on these girls, especially Jainey. Remember how she used to fight against every little thing? Now she’s involved, she’s helping others, and she’s happy.”
Kayla’s smile turned his heart over. “It has been amazing. When Jainey first came to the house a few weeks ago and told me that she and Karl had broken up, and she was struggling with the temptation to binge and purge, I —”
Ryan’s face stopped her.
“She made me promise not to tell you. Said you’d freak out.”
His mouth tipped. “She was right about that. Go on.”
“Well, she asked for my help, like an accountability partner. So we started e-mailing and chatting online some evenings, and then she brought more girls into the chat, and now we’ve actually got a forum going for girls who struggle with eating disorders or other harmful habits like cutting. The Internet is a good place to start, because the girls can remain anonymous, but still get help and answers to their questions. And for me it’s been a great ministry because it’s something I can do that doesn’t take much physical energy.”
“Wow. So do you think some of those girls are here tonight?”
“If Jainey had her way, they all will be, at least the ones in this area. She’s even bringing Jose’s mom, who got pregnant when she was really young, so in a way she’s still like a teenager. She and Jainey really connected. I think Jainey’s hoping that if Jose’s mom can get a feeling of belonging here with the church, she won’t feel the need for other, less ideal relationships.”
“Wow again. I’m impressed with you both.”
“Well, it’s time. Are you going over to the guys' group?”
Ryan smiled. “Only to check on them and get them started. Then Karl is actually speaking. Seems breaking up with Jainey got him thinking about a lot of things too, and he’s given his life to the Lord and wanted to tell the group about it.”
Tears sprang to Kayla’s eyes. “God is at work in this place. I never knew church could be like this.”
He put a hand around her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re a part of it.”
“You should stay over there and listen to Karl’s testimony.”
He chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry. Karl was so nervous, he wrote it out. I’ve heard it at least a dozen times over the past couple of days. No ma’am. I’m going to be right here, listening to the woman I love.”
Love. Every time he said it, the word sent shivers down her spine.
“Miss Kayla, it’s time!” Jainey was urging her inside.
“Okay.” She gave Ryan a quick peck on the cheek. “See you later.”
****
Just like the first day she’d met Jainey and Ryan, Kayla pulled out her long black burkah and methodically put it on, piece by piece. She heard the murmurs as she placed the veil down over her face.
“I used to live in a place where women were required to wear these every day,” Kayla said to the group of girls. “I would see them and get so angry at how oppressed those women were. How trapped. Unable to follow their dreams or even have dreams.”
She took the headpiece off and shook her hair. “Now I find I’m trapped myself, but my cage is my body. Having a life-long, incurable disease for me means I’m unable to follow the biggest dreams I had for my life. For awhile I thought it meant God wasn’t letting me have any dreams.”
Kayla took off the black robe and folded it neatly before setting it on the chair. She looked each girl in the eye. “Some of you may feel trapped. In a bad relationship. In habits or addictions that you know are wrong. In choices you wish you could go back and change.”
She saw girls nodding, including Jose’s mom. Tears sprang to Kayla’s eyes. Her voice choked a little as she continued. “I have learned something these past weeks that I never knew before, even as a missionary. My dreams aren’t big enough, not even my dreams that I have of doing things for God. Your dreams aren’t big enough. This life isn’t about us all getting free from the things we feel that trap us. Even those women in burkahs — what they need most is not to be free from their oppressive rules.”
“What we women need most is not freedom to do whatever we want. It’s love. Unconditional, forever, bigger-than-we-can-imagine love. The kind that gets us through the hard times. Love strong enough to be our strength when we feel like we can’t carry on any longer. Love enough to get us through nights in ICU.” She looked at Jose’s mother. “Or to do the right thing even when it is scary.” She looked at Jainey. “Or to give up a habit that is hurting more than helping.”
“I tried finding that love in my dad. Some of you have tried finding it in a boyfriend or a parent or even in your own imagination. But that kind of love is perfect, and perfect love can’t come from an imperfect person. That kind of love can only come from God.”
Kayla saw the girls sitting straighter in their seats, listening. She looked back at Ryan, who sat watching. “Most of you have heard about my adventurous fall down the mountain when I tried to do a little more than my body could handle.” She heard a few chuckles. “As I lay at the bottom of that mountain, not sure if I was going to make it, a verse my mother taught me as a child came to my mind.”
She opened her Bible. “The verse is 1 John 4:18, ‘There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.’ I was afraid, because I couldn’t fix my problems myself, and I wasn’t sure if God wanted to fix them either. I didn’t know what to do. Then that verse came, and I realized that it isn’t about my problems or my lack of problems. It’s about the fact that I am loved with a perfect love. Because of that, I have nothing to be afraid of. Nothing. God doesn’t have it out for me. He’s not mad at me. He’s not looking for ways to push me down.”
Jose’s mother was crying. Kayla felt her own eyes overflow. “God loves you so much. Don’t ever let your circumstances or your choices or your past make you feel like you are trapped. You are loved with a perfect love, a love that casts out fear. And because of that, you can be free.”
She picked up the burkah again. “The women I knew who wore these, they didn’t need freedom from rules nearly as much as they needed to know they were loved. Love is what would set them free, no matter how trapped their lives might feel. It’s no different with you.”
“Will you let His love set you free?”
Kayla bowed her head and prayed. When she finished, she looked up and noticed the girls collecting into clusters, some praying together, some crying.
Ryan approached and put his arm around her. “I have something I need to talk with you about. Can you come to my office for a minute?”
Kayla glanced around the room. “Shouldn’t we stay here and oversee this?”
Ryan shook his head with a smile. “God seems to be overseeing it just fine, don’t you think?”
She nodded with tears. “Definitely. I just meant in a chaperoning sort of way.”
“I already asked Cindy if she’d stay.”
“Well, I guess you’ve taken away all my objections. Lead on, sir.”
Ryan kept his arm around her shoulders as they walked around several corners and down several hallways before getting to his office.
“This church is like a maze. I’m never going to figure it out.”
His smile was secretive. “Oh, I think you will in time.”
He opened the door and ushered her in.
Feeling a hint of trepidation, she sat in the chair opposite his desk and folded her hands in her lap.
Ryan settled into his own desk chair and grinned at her. “You look like you�
��ve been called into the principal’s office.”
“I feel like it.”
“Well, then I’ll get right to it so you’ll feel better.” He reached his hands across the desk and she readily placed her own in them. “Your father called me today.”
She involuntarily backed away. He kept her hands firmly in his. “We had a long talk, about a lot of things. I think he may be starting to understand.” One side of Ryan’s mouth tilted upward. “Or if not understand, at least accept a few things.”
Kayla fidgeted uncomfortably, but he held her hands tight. “The church officially voted to stop supporting you as one of their missionaries, but your dad said that there was such an outpouring of love from the congregation toward you through letters and cards and messages they told him to send you, he was amazed. I think it was a new concept for him that they would love you, even if you couldn’t serve. It was something he needed to see.”
Her hands were trembling. “I — I guess I’m glad, then.” She looked to the left at a bookshelf full to bursting with books and other resources. She looked to the right at a framed picture of the sun setting over the Blue Ridge Mountains.
“Kayla, look at me.”
Ryan’s soft voice did not bring Kayla’s gaze back to his. Instead she closed her eyes in an attempt to keep the tears from flowing through them.
“What’s the matter?” he asked gently. “I thought you would be happy to hear about the church and your dad.”
“I am.” She sniffed. He released one hand to give her a tissue. “But it means I have to get a job now, one with good medical insurance. I don’t have the energy at the moment to go job hunting around here, especially not with this ankle.” She looked down. “So I’ll have to go back to Michigan. I know of a church there that offered me a secretarial position once. That’s something that wouldn’t be too physically demanding, but… but…”
“Kayla, look at me.”
She did then, and felt a rising anger at the calmness on his face. “Why are you smiling? Are you happy that I’m leaving?”
He rose and crossed around the desk to stand in front of her, still holding her one hand. “No, of course I wouldn’t be happy if you were leaving. But weren’t you just saying that God’s love for you was big and strong, and you had nothing to fear? Don’t you think He can make something good out of this?”
He knelt in front of her. “Don’t you see, this has set you free?”
Chapter Thirty-Six
“Set me free?” Kayla reached for another tissue. She was drowning in her own tears, and he was smiling. What was the man’s problem? “What are you talking about?”
He was looking up at her from where he’d perched himself on the floor at her feet, like a puppy dog waiting to be petted. She frowned down at him, and he had the gall to laugh.
Kayla stood. “This isn’t funny. I can’t believe you can be laughing when—”
He stopped her words with his kiss. He had stood and wrapped both arms around her before she had even realized it. Her senses started swimming. She tried to remember what she was upset about, but the feel of his lips on hers and his arms holding her close drove every other thought into some other, suddenly unimportant place.
She had melted against him, so when he released her, she had to regain her balance. Reaching down, she grasped the edge of the chair, then leaned her body to half-sit back against the armrest. “Gracious sakes.”
“Kayla.” His hands cupped her face. His eyes radiated love for her. “I can tell I did this all wrong. You didn’t react the way I’d expected.” He grinned wryly. “I suppose I should get used to that, huh?”
She half-smiled, still shaky from that kiss.
“I know of a job that I’d like you to consider, one that would provide for you financially without asking too much of you physically.”
What? He was talking about a job after kissing her like that? “Does — does it have good insurance?”
“It does, with a few conditions.”
“Ryan, you’re not making sense.”
“I think you should have a position in the church, but not a secretarial one. You are too gifted in other ways. In Pakistan, I saw your excellent work with children. Today I heard your heart for teen girls. I also find out you’ve had a ministry on the sly, not even telling people about it, so they would be impressed with you. You’ve got a heart for ministry, and the ability.”
“The heart yes, Ryan, but not the ability. You forget I have a disease now, and I never know when I’m going to have a flare-up, or catch some sickness and have to go up on my medication and stop everything until I recover.”
“I’m aware of that, which is why you need this particular position, because it would leave room for you to take the time you need when you need it. It’s a part-time ministry.”
“But part-time doesn’t pay insurance.” She blew out an exasperated breath. “Ryan, you’re still not making any sense.”
“It does if you’re married to someone with full-time benefits.”
Kayla raised an eyebrow.
Ryan sighed and laughed. “This has got to be the longest and most ineffective proposal a man ever attempted.”
“Proposal?” Kayla fell into the chair. He was proposing?
Ryan knelt at her feet and took her hands again. “Kayla, the church has offered me the position of full-time associate pastor.” He grinned. “But only on the condition that I’m married — it’s in the church rule book. You would be the perfect associate pastor’s wife, don’t you see? There are no official requirements. You could minister when you were able, but be able to rest when you need to.”
Kayla looked down at Ryan. “You want me to marry you so you can get a job and I can have medical benefits?”
“No, of course not!” he practically shouted, standing and pacing to the window. He spoke toward the glass. “I love you, you ridiculous woman. I’ve been praying for weeks, begging God to show me some way I could keep you here with me. If I was only the associate pastor part-time, I wouldn’t have the benefits you would need, don’t you see? And with you still officially part of your dad’s church, I didn’t feel I had the right to ask you…...”
Kayla had risen to join him at the window. “But what about your construction ministry? You love that. You can’t give that up.”
Ryan turned to look down at her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. “Kayla, my love, I would give that up if that’s what it took to have you as my own.” He squeezed. “But, as God worked it out, the pastor thought it would be a great idea if one of my bigger ministries was running a whole group of men to do ministry through construction. Like the teens did at Jose’s house, you know? Then it wouldn’t just be me. Instead of giving up my dream, God would be expanding it.”
He lifted both hands from her shoulders to run through her hair. “And I want that expansion to include you.”
His forehead dropped to touch hers. “Kayla.” His voice was husky and full of feeling. “Will you marry me? Will you serve alongside me? Will you complete my life?”
Kayla’s heart nearly floated above her. “Ryan, I love you. I want to marry you more than anything. But what about — about me?” She gestured down her body. “There’s still so much we don’t know about my condition. What if I get worse? What if I end up not being able to minister at all? What if… what if I couldn’t have children?”
Ryan bent to kiss the tip of her small, round nose, then her forehead, then her lips. “Kayla, I love you. I want you to be my wife, and I believe God wants that, too. If that’s the case, He can be responsible for all those questions. We’ll take it one day at a time. I want you more than I want security about any of those other things. And life never guarantees that kind of security anyway.”
She looked up as he continued. “The days you feel well, I will rejoice. I will pray every day for your health. But, in sickness or in health, I want you in my life, always.”
Kayla’s mind had more questions, but the love she saw in his e
yes erased them completely. It was not perfect love, but it was close enough to the perfect love she was just coming to truly know that it cast out her fear.
“Ryan.” She reached up to touch the slight stubble on his cheek. “Yes.”
“Yes?” His eyebrows went up. “Really? Yes?”
Kayla laughed. “Did you expect me to say no?”
“Well, that seemed where you were headed for a minute there. I mean…” He stopped talking and looked down at her, his gaze roaming over her face. “Did you just say you would marry me?”
Kayla’s own eyes filled with love. “I did.”
He grabbed her hands. “Then what am I standing here talking for?” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her firmly, a commitment kind of kiss, a lifetime kind of kiss.
Kayla pulled back, a gleam in her eye. “And Ryan?”
He was staring at her mouth, pulling her toward him again. “Hmm?’
“I’ll take the job, too.”
Epilogue
“Which wedding did you like best?”
Jainey put a hand to her chin, thinking. “Hard to decide. The doctor and Kayla’s aunt looked so cute together up there, but Ryan being my cousin and Kayla being one of my best friends, I’d have to say theirs was the best.”
Joe joined Jainey and Elizabeth. “Uh, you can’t pick your favorite. It was a double-wedding, as in at the same time. There weren’t two weddings.”
Elizabeth crossed her arms. “No, but the vows were separate, and the walking down the aisle. All the best stuff.”
“Except the kiss. That was all at the same time.” Karl approached and Jainey bent her face, covering a sudden blush with her hair. “Hey, Jainey, your hair isn’t black anymore.”
She looked away. “I stopped dyeing it.”
“I like it.”
She shuffled a little. “So anyway, I thought Miss Kayla’s dress was awesome.”
“Oh, me too! The lace sleeves and the plain satin skirt with lace all around the bottom edge.” Elizabeth bounced a little. “And it was so cool that she let us do her hair!”