‘I do not think you know yourself.’
‘You mean you thought you knew me, and find your mistake. You did not judge me truly. I do not ask nothing for myself. You who ask everything, should understand that.’
‘I ask it again,’ said Catherine.
‘And again I refuse it. I give you no hope.’
Catherine turned and left the room, and left a silence.
Well, well, well,’ said Cassius, ‘so it has come to this. And after it had gone off so well. I thought it seemed too good to be true. Well, I don’t blame you, Flavia. I don’t know that anyone is to blame. I daresay even Catherine was helpless.’
‘I daresay she was. So am I.’
‘Well, yes, I believe you are. So there is a deadlock.’
‘No, there is the agreement between us, the conditions that were laid down.’
‘Well, it sounds reasonable, Flavia. I can’t say it does not. And I thought you came out well; I was grateful to you. But I can’t help being sorry for Catherine. I admit that I can’t.’
‘I feel inclined to congratulate her. She has asked for much and obtained it, and has gone on to ask for all. I am not sorry for people who do that. They can serve themselves.’
‘Well, you have never done it, I admit. But your standard is too high for everyone.’
‘I see that it is. I must cease to observe it. It means that I stand alone, giving away what is mine.’
‘Well, well, it does seem like that. And so I suppose it is settled. Catherine comes and goes at your charity and discretion. And I know you can be trusted to use them both. There are the children in the hall. How they always seem to be everywhere! They should be able to give as well as take. We will call them and let them distract us.’
‘It will be well to let something do so,’ said Mr Clare, who had stood in silence. ‘And they should have learned the business.’
‘So Toby has come to see Father,’ said Cassius, taking this line with a touch of weariness.
‘Come to see Mother,’ said Toby, providing no diversity and looking round.
‘It is raining,’ said Henry, giving his explanation of their presence.
‘Where are Fabian and Guy?’ said Flavia.
‘They wanted to talk by themselves. I think things have got worse for them.’
‘I am afraid they have. Their life is simple no longer.’
‘It seems best to have your own mother all the time, or not to have her at all,’ said Megan.
‘Having two takes all your thought,’ said Henry, ‘so that you don’t have any over for your own life.’
‘I am afraid you see the truth,’ said his mother.
‘Truth has to be seen, when it alters everything.’
‘Try and sight a favourable truth,’ said Mr Clare. ‘You should cultivate a sharper vision.’
‘I can’t think of one just now.’
‘So you liked the lady who came today,’ said Cassius to Toby. ‘But she likes Fabian and Guy better than you.’
‘Oh, yes, poor Guy! No, like Toby.’
‘Would you like to go and live with her?’
‘Yes.’
‘And leave Father and Mater and Bennet?’
‘Bennet come too. Bennet and Megan and Toby.’
‘And no one else?’
‘Only William,’ said Toby, getting off his father’s knee.
‘Would you like to leave us all, Henry?’ said Cassius.
‘Well, you would not mind if I did.’
‘What a thing to say! Of course I should mind. Father would not know what to do without his little son. Wouldn’t you mind leaving him a little?’
‘Well, then I should, or else it would be sad for you. And there wouldn’t be anywhere for me to go.’
‘And no one else would pay for our food,’ said Megan.
‘Well, that is a reason for staying,’ said her father, drily.
‘I suppose Fabian and Guy’s mother would pay for theirs,’ said Henry.
‘We do not talk about who pays for things,’ said Flavia.
‘Who would mind paying for Toby’s food?’ said Cassius, not bearing out his wife’s words.
‘Pay?’ said Toby, raising his eyes.
‘Give money for it.’
‘Bennet does,’ said Toby, with a clearing face. ‘In a shop. Then Toby eat it.’
‘What does Toby eat?’
‘Very nice bun. Henry and Megan and Toby.’
‘Does Toby have the biggest?’
‘Oh, no, dear little bun.’
‘Does William have a bun too?’
‘No, very nice beer.’
‘What do you like best to eat?’
‘Only bacon,’ said Toby.
‘Surely he does not have that?’ said Cassius.
‘He likes the smell of it,’ said Megan. ‘And he may have tasted it.’
‘Always eat bacon,’ said Toby.
‘You should say what is true,’ said his father. Tou know you do not have it to eat.’
‘No, not good for him, poor little boy!’
‘A child is a strange thing,’ said Cassius, as they were left alone.
‘It is a natural thing,’ said his wife. ‘That is why it strikes a civilized person as strange.’
‘Yes, well, I suppose one is a civilized person,’ said her husband, on a faintly gratified note, ‘though one does not think of oneself in that way. I suppose one’s training and background have done their work. Well, Flavia, what is your impression of Catherine, now you look back on her?’
‘I think it must still be based on yours. I have heard so much and seen so little, and seen that under strange conditions.’
‘Well, I can hardly tell you my impression,’ said her husband, leaning back and frowning, ‘though it sounds an odd thing for me to say. You see, I knew so much, or thought I did, but now that I see her, I am not so sure. And then I suddenly see I was right, and then I am in doubt again. So it is difficult to tell.’
‘It must be,’ said his wife.
‘That is why I wanted to know what you thought. You must think something. And I can see that you do.’
‘I should say she is an honest, deep-natured woman, but of a purpose so single that it blinds her to any claim but her own. But that might be true of many of us in her place. What she is in her life I have had no chance of judging.’
‘And upon my word I can’t tell you, though I lived with her for five years. More than half as long as I have lived with you, Flavia. And I feel I know you in and out, every corner and cranny of you. There is no question about you that I could not answer.’
‘I wonder which of them has the advantage,’ said Mr Clare.
‘Well, do you know, I think Catherine has. She is able to take cover under a veil of mystery, and never face the light of day, as Flavia does, and as I do myself in a way. I declare I should like to let in the light on her inner self and turn my eyes on it.’
‘We should fear to do that to anyone. And you took exception to her doing it to you.’
‘Well, so I did, and so I do, or so I should, if it happened again. But mine is an ordinary, everyday self enough. It is hers that baffles one and gives rise to all sorts of problems. My little poses would be the usual ones. It is her great, unpitying penetration that hits you in the face and tricks you into betraying what is hardly there. I declare I used to reveal things that I did ‘not know were in me or anyone. She used to open up a new, dark world to me. Her seeming to read my mind never resulted in my thinking more of her. Oh, it was an experience, I can tell you, living with her for five years. I have never been the same man since. You have never known me as I was, Flavia, and that has been hard on you as well as on me. Oh, people like Catherine do their own harm, in spite of their lofty stand. And she could not do with me. Oh, no, I was too ordinary and commonplace for her. And the world had to know that. She could not keep it to herself. She had to leave me because of it. Is it any wonder that I imposed conditions on my own behalf? And yet I feel her influence an
d that odd sort of compelling force. It is a strange thing. Well, I don’t know when I have had an outbreak like this. Do you remember my having one, Flavia? The past was somehow too much for me. It rose up and overwhelmed me. I did not foresee this result of having Catherine in the house.’
‘The past would be too much for any of us, if it did not stay in its place,’ said Mr Clare.
‘And now the future looms before us with all sorts of threats and doubts. Shall we ever be through it?’
‘When we are through everything. But keep your thoughts away from it. You find the present enough.’
‘Of course I do, and so do you, and so does everyone.’
‘Well, it is enough,’ said Mr Clare.
Chapter 8
‘Well, what is the news, Mr Ainger?’ said Madge.
Ainger crossed the kitchen with a slow tread and his eyes on the ground, and paused with his hand on his chair before he took his seat.
‘News?’ he said, raising his eyes.
‘Yes. What is there to tell?’
‘There is nothing that asks to be told, Madge.’
‘We have suffered a sense of anticipation,’ said Kate.
‘It pleases him to keep things to himself,’ said Halliday.
‘I don’t think thought of self has entered in,’ said Ainger, drawing in his brows. ‘There are cases where it does not.’
‘Are there?’ said Mrs Frost.
‘Was it for nothing that Simon was excluded from the dining-room?’ said Ainger, with more force. ‘Was it an indication or was it not?’
‘We hope it was,’ said Madge. ‘What did it indicate?’
‘That things were not for eyes and ears, except in cases.’
‘So did nothing happen?’ said Halliday.
‘Happen?’ said Ainger, turning fully to him. ‘You would not expect incidents to take place?’
‘I think we half expected it,’ said Kate. ‘Things might have given rise.’
‘The gentry are themselves,’ said Ainger, ‘as you are aware.’
‘So I was,’ said Mrs Frost.
‘Human beings like all of us,’ said Halliday.
‘No, Halliday,’ said Ainger, gently, ‘not quite like that.’
‘Did the two ladies address each other?’ said Kate. ‘That seems a salient point.’
‘You use the word, Kate. “Ladies”. More is superfluous.’
‘What were you doing all the time?’ said Halliday.
‘What I could do. Being a friend to them in my own way.’
‘Well, be a friend to us in ours,’ said Madge.
‘There must have been a good deal of waiting to be done,’ said Simon.
‘Being a friend to them in their way,’ said Halliday.
‘Well, that was my duty, Halliday,’ said Ainger, simply.
‘England expects it of everyone,’ said Kate, sighing.
‘Ah, we know it, Kate,’ said Ainger. ‘You are correct in your figure.’
‘There is a strain of what is higher in all of us,’ said Kate.
‘But it is a pity it comes out in Mr Ainger just now,’ said Madge.
‘I suppress it in myself,’ said Mrs Frost, ‘for fear it should be too high.’
‘I am sorry if you meant to make a Roman holiday of it,’ said Ainger. It does not appeal to me in that light.’
‘Can you eat anything?’ said Mrs Frost, with her lips grave.
‘Well, it has taken it out of me. It could not be otherwise.’
‘Well, when you have put it back into you,’ said Madge, ‘I hope we shall see the result.’
Her hope was realized as far as could be expected. Ainger followed her suggestion, and then sat up and looked about him.
‘Well, it was a human scene. Human nature was writ large. And it is a thing that makes its appeal. I have always been struck by it.’
‘But what was said and done?’ said Madge.
‘Nothing of a nature to be passed on. But much. It was a contradiction in terms.’
‘Well, tell us what you can,’ said Halliday.
‘Greetings were exchanged,’ said Ainger; ‘remarks were passed; convention was pursued. But there was nothing that made for disclosure. It was the outward and visible sign.’
‘Of the inward grace,’ said Kate.
‘There is no better word. It is the one I should apply.’
‘Was there no sign of the emotions underneath?’
‘Kate, would signs have been in place?’
‘Well, we rather feel they would,’ said Madge.
‘The interchange might have marked any ordinary occasion.’
‘Perhaps that was what it was,’ said Mrs Frost.
‘You would almost have thought it, Mrs Frost,’ said Ainger, turning to her frankly. ‘So complete was the effort made, and the success that crowned it.’
‘How did the master comport himself?’ said Kate.
‘Like himself,’ said Ainger, smiling. ‘There was the first hesitation, and then the torrent flowed. And it was opportune, as there was the silence of constraint.’
‘Did the former mistress extend marks of recognition to you?’
‘Kate, we might have parted yesterday. I found myself looking to her in the old way. And the present mistress smiled upon it. I could have let the tears start to my eyes.’
‘Well; I expected to be more entertained and less uplifted,’ said Madge.
‘You use the word,’ said Ainger. ‘I can feel the better.’
‘I should have liked to see the ladies in contact,’ said Kate. It constitutes the climax.’
‘It was the high-water mark, Kate. As high as we need to go.’
The bell rang and Ainger rose with a sigh and a movement of his shoulders, as if acquiescing in the continued need of him.
‘It seems we have not always done justice to Mr Ainger,’ said Kate.
‘He has not always done it to himself,’ said Mrs Frost. ‘I don’t think he ever has before.’
‘I hope he won’t make a habit of it,’ said Madge.
‘We can tolerate anything the first time,’ said Halliday.
Ainger returned, resumed his seat and rested his head on his hand.
‘Well, they soon spared you,’ said Halliday.
‘Yes. Yes,’ said Ainger, just shaking his head. ‘There was not much I could do for them. I think it was just the glimpse.’
‘There was not time for much more,’ said Madge.
‘I think I fulfilled their need, Madge.’
It appeared that he was mistaken. A step sounded in the passage and Cassius came to the door.
‘Ainger, this is not the wine I meant. I must come and show you myself. It seems impossible to get it.’
Ainger rose with a finished, willing movement, hastened to the door to open it for his master, and preceded him to the wine cellar to do the same. Presently they were heard in the passage, Cassius using his ordinary tones, and Ainger subduing his, so that any subject could be inferred.
‘No, I can take it myself,’ said Cassius, revealing the nature of the last one. ‘I am going back to the library.’
Ainger returned with a firm step to his place.
‘The master would carry the bottles himself,’ he said, smiling. ‘I did not want to be spared.’
‘Well, you had what you wanted,’ said Halliday.
Ainger gave him an absent smile and relapsed into thought.
‘Are we allowed to disturb Mr Ainger’s reflections?’ said Madge.
‘Yes,’ said Ainger, looking at her kindly, ‘I am not so enamoured of them.’
‘Being to do with the family?’ said Kate.
‘Yes. The master did his best to give a natural impression. But I see that the heart is beneath.’
‘I have never seen him when he did not give one,’ said Madge.
‘No,’ said Ainger, looking at her in gentle acquiescence.
‘You think he would not show himself to me?’
‘Now why should
he, Madge?’
‘I should certainly be flattered by it.’
‘Yes,’ said Ainger, looking into space. ‘One does feel that at first. But feelings supervene.’
‘You get your experience of life at second-hand,’ said Halliday.
‘Yes. Yes,’ said Ainger, spacing his words and just raising his brows. ‘It does amount to that. I find I can identify myself. But you, if I may say so, do not get any at all.’
‘May you say so like that?’ said Mrs Frost.
‘The real thing or nothing for me,’ said Halliday. ‘Do you not agree, Mrs Frost?’
‘Do you mean that I have nothing?’
‘The appreciation of all of us,’ said Ainger, in a full tone reminiscent of his master. ‘Is that quite nothing? And I will tell you one thing, Mrs Frost; and I don’t often commit myself like this. If there was anyone I could find myself regarding as a mother, it would be you.’
‘Be a good son to me,’ said Mrs Frost.
‘Is the first Mrs Clare still in the house?’ said Kate.
‘No,’ said Ainger, a smile playing on his lips. ‘I have attended her to the door.’
‘What is the jest?’ said Halliday. ‘Is there some second meaning?’
‘In a sense it was twofold,’ said Ainger, still smiling. ‘You showed her out when the moment came.’
‘That may be said of me. There is the ground.’
‘In some double sense?’
‘In one, if you like,’ said Ainger, yielding to a broader smile.
‘Did you exchange any words?’ said Kate.
‘We stood in converse for some minutes. But exchange was hardly the term. I felt it was for me to stand silent.’
‘Did she ask after your welfare through all these years?’
‘She did not fail to, Kate. And I answered her briefly, feeling that brevity was in place.’
‘We know more about you than we did,’ said Halliday.
‘It is often possible to live with someone and not know much about him, Halliday.’
‘Especially if he forgets to tell us,’ said Madge.
‘You none of you know what life implies,’ said Ainger.
‘I don’t think you have known very long,’ said Madge.
‘Of course we know,’ said Halliday. ‘Birth and death have come to us all.’
‘Birth has come to me,’ said Mrs Frost.
‘It is the space between that comprises matters,’ said Kate.
The Present and the Past Page 11