‘Why did you go along with it then?’ asked Mel, perplexed.
‘Because I told myself that investing and making money were good for Britain and ultimately for the people. I could see that the only thing which supported the social security and health care systems was the money we made in banking. Big Swinging Dick played on this theme, for me anyway and in the end, as long as it was to make money for our people it didn’t seem to matter how I made it. Do you see what I mean? And the more I listened and the more I snorted, the more reasonable gambling sounded. But now we’ve all woken up. Honestly Mel, it’s like we were all in some sort of trance. Even when the hackles on the back of my neck were bristling, I completely ignored my instincts and ploughed straight ahead. And I didn’t get into trouble at all. All this gambling bought me bonuses, trips to Monaco, trips to Rome … as you well know. I’ve only got into trouble now because I suddenly woke up and pounced on that policeman and swore when he carried on beating up that protester. I only swore at him a little bit you know, Mel. It seems rather upside down that I should get arrested now, when I’ve finally seen the light and am working with my conscience and not when I was aiding drug dealers, terrorists and gamblers. You know there’s no money left in the system, don’t you Mel? We’ve gambled it all away. And that’s why I was begging to be arrested. Not for this!’ finished Alan.
‘Who are the drug dealers you’re talking about? I’ve always wondered about Poppy, you know. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was thinking about it the other day … The only thing they grow in Afghanistan is terrorists and poppies. And I’m sure those poppies aren’t grown in support of the British Legion. They’re a completely different species from the red ones we have. Aren’t they the ones they grow to make opium … and heroin?’
‘And your point is?’ enquired Alan.
‘Poppy said she needed to move their investments out of the horticultural industry of Afghanistan. I thought at first, you know … tulips or roses. Then even cannabis, but I’ve checked on the Internet and in books and the only thing they seem to grow there is, well, frankly, opium poppies. And she and Tarkers know an awful lot of people in high places, don’t they? Did you think about this when you started handling their investments?’
‘I was burying my head in the sand rather, to be honest. That was a trick made easier by using all those drugs. Honestly, if I was female, I’d be like Judy Garland … all my bodily functions have been controlled by drugs. And I know I’m not the only one. It’s going to be a really big wake-up call when the governments of the world realise the extent of this.’
‘So you think this goes further than Bonkerman of America then? Were they really so big and influential?’
‘I’m afraid so.’
‘So why didn’t someone rescue the bloody bank then?’
‘Who knows? I don’t think the governments had much idea of what has been going on. As long as it was bringing in the geld, they weren’t bothered.’
‘So, what are we looking at?’ asked Mel, not wanting to know the answer.
‘It looks like a Depression … bigger than the one we had in the thirties,’ whispered Alan.
And with that, Mel had visions of herself approaching charities for offal and sheeps’ brains to feed her family and her children being farmed out to exploitative child employers who made them dance, go down mines or climb up chimneys … and that was if they were lucky.
‘We have to get you out of here and we have to leave the country,’ decided Mel.
Then her mobile rang.
‘I need to speak to Alan!’ cried Poppy. ‘He needs to speak to the police for me.’
‘What on earth do you mean? What police? Why?’ demanded Mel.
‘Is he there?’
‘Well, he is and he isn’t.’ Mel was certainly not going to inform Poppy of Alan’s incarceration in the nick.
‘Let me speak to her,’ said Alan. He took the phone.
‘Yes, Poppy. Well, I’m sure it is … yes … I daresay … Sorry, Poppy, no can do. I know nothing about it. Goodbye.’
‘What is going on?’ asked Mel. Alan had switched the phone off completely before returning it to his wife.
‘Nothing we need to worry about. I’ve arranged mortgages for her. That’s all. Anything else is really none of my business.’
‘But … the police? What can they be doing there?’
‘I really don’t want to know, do you?’ Alan smiled wryly. ‘All I can say is that our suspicions about her may well be true. Don’t know how the police can have found out about it though. Swiss banks are so secretive that the top echelon of criminals can put dirty money into them and it comes out the other end squeaky clean. No questions asked. I’m not saying that everyone who invests in them is a criminal. Most of them just want to avoid paying tax, but you can guarantee that top professional criminals will smell so strongly of roses after their money has been laundered through those accounts that they can mix with royalty and send their boys to Eton and girls to Roedean. No one would ever guess that their prim, proper, luxurious and respectable lifestyle was funded by getting kids hooked on heroin and then into prostitution, criminality and death. If only these druggies would realise what a total mug’s game they’re playing. People, possibly including Poppy and Tarkers, could get Amy and Michael hooked on heroin but they’re so far from the black coalface that they’re never caught. There are wars fought over the stuff, but by the time we get the story of the reason behind the war it’s all cleaned up and respectable. These people are like Amy’s aphids, sucking lovely flowers of promising youth dry.’
58
‘Mummy! When are you coming home? Is Daddy all right? Iggy’s howling because he misses you so much. Listen!’ said Amy. And sure enough, she could hear Iggy Pop baying like a lone wolf.
‘Is he all right, Amy? Can I speak to Kelly?’
‘Yes, Mummy, but I want to talk to you again afterwards. Algy’s coming over. Kelly told Poppy she could bring him here.’
Kelly took the phone. ‘Hope that’s OK. Poppy phoned in a right state … garbled something about the police and Rupert for some weird reason. Anyway, I said I’d look after Algy here. It’s not his fault he’s got stupid parents, is it? By the way, when did you last see Ozzie? Iggy’s beside himself with worry,’ said Kelly.
‘I don’t know. I saw him this morning. He was asleep in a paper carrier bag. Look, I’ve got to talk to the police and see what I have to do to get Alan out. Has Sophie contacted you? Is she getting a solicitor? Can she help us?’
Alan hadn’t seen his protest comrade since they’d been rounded up and put in a police van.
‘Yes, she phoned me. She said she’s arranging help for Alan as well. They’ve got legal people connected with their protest group. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. Sophie says it happens to her all the time.’
‘Oh! Well, that’s all right then,’ replied Mel hesitantly, but feeling a little easier about the situation.
59
‘So Poppy and Tarquin have been taken in for questioning! Apparently the security services were involved in an investigation of their affairs for quite some time. The rumour is that Rupert was the fraud investigator attached to the case. It explains the weird behaviour! He was wearing a “wire” to collect evidence so maybe that influenced his choice of clothing? You’d never have known, would you? So Algy’s got to go into Social Services’ care. Hey! What happened with Kasha’s children? I’d forgotten about all that. Is she better?’ Kelly was beside herself with glee over the Poppy and Tarkers scandal. As far as she was concerned they had it coming, even for just being superficial people. Being shallow was as much a crime as the money laundering, fraud and drug dealing for which the couple seemed to have been arrested.
‘Oh, Kasha went home and her kids are back with her,’ added Mel. ‘She’s divorcing her idiot husband, or trying to. Now her boobs are better, he’s showing renewed interest but I think that’s because he thinks he’s back on the “gravy train”. Kasha says that she
never wants to have anything to do with the porn industry again. She wants to meet Sophie and the gang as a matter of fact! Tell you what … those girls and their group were brilliant. They have wonderful connections in the legal profession. Alan was out in a jiffy but he’s still got to go to magistrates’ court for trying to ram the truncheon up that policeman’s bottom.’
‘Did he? Did he really!? Oh, what a star! The man should be commended, not taken to court! Did you see what they did to those protesters?’ laughed Kelly.
‘We’re not going to be able to go to Madagascar for the moment though, Alan’s not allowed to leave the country and we’re not sure how long we’re going to make our savings last since he lost his job at Ponsonby and Tosser.’
‘That’s a worry. What’ll you do?’
‘Well, to be honest, it’s just as well this has happened because Ponsonby and Tosser Bank are under scrutiny by the government as well. They’re lucky they’re there at all. If the government (well … we) hadn’t bailed them out, they’d have gone right down the river. It looks better that Alan got out beforehand. There’ll be a few heads rolling there, he thinks.’
‘Mummy! Come and look at my pet ants! They’ve got grubs!’
And they went and watched the ants working together. No greed, no selfishness, just setting an example of cooperation. Then Mel felt a furry warmth winding around her legs. Ozzie was back!
‘Who knows what’ll happen now that everything has collapsed,’ mused Mel. ‘If we work together we will get through, maybe even make a better, fairer world.’
Willy the Spider hopes we can, for the sake of all our children.
The Meltdown of a Banker's Wife Page 22