All I asked you was if I could get a bus from here to Shepherds Bush.
Pause.
Nobody asked you to start making insinuations.
Pause.
Who do you think you are?
Pause.
Huh. I know your sort, I know your type. Don't worry, I know all about people like you.
Pause.
We can all tell where you come from. They're putting your sort inside every day of the week.
Pause.
All I've got to do, is report you, and you'd be standing in the dock in next to no time. One of my best friends is a plain clothes detective.
Pause.
I know all about it. Standing there as if butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. Meet you in a dark alley it'd be . . . another story. [To the others, who stare into space.] You heard what this man said to me. All I asked him was if I could get a bus from here to Shepherds Bush. [To him.] I've got witnesses, don't you worry about that.
Pause.
Impertinence.
Pause.
Ask a man a civil question he treats you like a threepenny bit. [To him.] I've got better things to do, my lad, I can assure you. I'm not going to stand here and be insulted on a public highway. Anyone can tell you're a foreigner. I was born just around the corner. Anyone can tell you're just up from the country for a bit of a lark. I know your sort.
Pause.
She goes to a LADY.
Excuse me lady. I'm thinking of taking this man up to the magistrate's court, you heard him make that crack, would you like to be a witness?
The LADY steps into the road.
LADY: Taxi . . .
She disappears.
WOMAN: We know what sort she is. [Back to position.] I was the first in this queue.
Pause.
Born just round the corner. Born and bred. These people from the country haven't the faintest idea of how to behave. Peruvians. You're bloody lucky I don't put you on a charge. You ask a straightforward question—
The others suddenly thrust out their arms at a passing bus. They run off left after it. The WOMAN, alone, clicks her teeth and mutters. A man walks from the right to the stop, and waits. She looks at him out of the corner of her eye. At length she speaks shyly, hesitantly, with a slight smile.
Excuse me. Do you know if I can get a bus from here . . . to Marble Arch?
LAST TO GO
A coffee stall. A BARMAN and an old NEWSPAPER SELLER. The BARMAN leans on his counter, the OLD MAN stands with tea.
Silence.
MAN: You was a bit busier earlier.
BARMAN: Ah.
MAN: Round about ten.
BARMAN: Ten, was it?
MAN: About then.
Pause.
I passed by here about then.
BARMAN: Oh yes?
MAN: I noticed you were doing a bit of trade.
Pause.
BARMAN: Yes, trade was very brisk here about ten.
MAN: Yes, I noticed.
Pause.
I sold my last one about then. Yes. About nine forty-five.
BARMAN: Sold your last then, did you?
MAN: Yes, my last ‘Evening News’ it was. Went about twenty to ten.
Pause.
BARMAN: ‘Evening News’, was it?
MAN: Yes.
Pause.
Sometimes it's the ‘Star’ is the last to go.
BARMAN: Ah.
MAN: Or the . . . whatsisname.
BARMAN: ‘Standard’.
MAN: Yes.
Pause.
All I had left tonight was the ‘Evening News’.
Pause.
BARMAN: Then that went, did it?
MAN: Yes.
Pause.
Like a shot.
Pause.
BARMAN: You didn't have any left, eh?
MAN: No. Not after I sold that one.
Pause.
BARMAN: It was after that you must have come by here then, was it?
MAN: Yes, I come by here after that, see, after I packed up.
BARMAN: You didn't stop here though, did you?
MAN: When?
BARMAN: I mean, you didn't stop here and have a cup of tea then, did you?
MAN: What, about ten?
BARMAN: Yes.
MAN: No, I went up to Victoria.
BARMAN: No, I thought I didn't see you.
MAN: I had to go up to Victoria.
Pause.
BARMAN: Yes, trade was very brisk here about then.
Pause.
MAN: I went to see if I could get hold of George.
BARMAN: Who?
MAN: George.
Pause.
BARMAN: George who?
MAN: George . . . whatsisname.
BARMAN: Oh.
Pause.
Did you get hold of him?
MAN: No. No, I couldn't get hold of him. I couldn't locate him.
BARMAN: He's not about much now, is he?
Pause.
MAN: When did you last see him then?
BARMAN: Oh, I haven't seen him for years.
MAN: No, nor me.
Pause.
BARMAN: Used to suffer very bad from arthritis.
MAN: Arthritis?
BARMAN: Yes.
MAN: He never suffered from arthritis.
BARMAN: Suffered very bad.
Pause.
MAN: Not when I knew him.
Pause.
BARMAN: I think he must have left the area.
Pause.
MAN: Yes, it was the ‘Evening News’ was the last to go tonight.
BARMAN: Not always the last though, is it, though?
MAN: No. Oh no. I mean sometimes it's the ‘News’. Other times it's one of the others. No way of telling beforehand. Until you've got your last one left, of course. Then you can tell which one it's going to be.
BARMAN: Yes.
Pause.
MAN: Oh yes.
Pause.
I think he must have left the area.
SPECIAL OFFER
SECRETARY (at a desk in an office): Yes, I was in the rest room at Swan and Edgars, having a little rest. Just sitting there, interfering with nobody, when this old crone suddenly came right up to me and sat beside me. You're on the staff of the B.B.C. she said, aren't you? I've got just the thing for you, she said, and put a little card into my hand. Do you know what was written on it? MEN FOR SALE! What on earth do you mean? I said. Men, she said, all sorts shapes and sizes, for sale. What on earth can you possibly mean? I said. It's an international congress, she said, got up for the entertainment and relief of lady members of the civil service. You can hear some of the boys we've got speak through a microphone, especially for your pleasure, singing little folk tunes we're sure you've never heard before. Tea is on the house and every day we have the very best pastries. For the cabaret at teatime the boys do a rare dance imported all the way from Buenos Aires, dressed in nothing but a pair of cricket pads. Every single one one of them is tried and tested, very best quality, and at very reasonable rates. If you like one of them by any of his individual characteristics you can buy him, but for you not at retail price. As you work for the B.B.C. we'll be glad to make a special reduction. If you're at all dissatisfied you can send him back within seven days and have your money refunded. That's very kind of you, I said, but as a matter of fact I've just been on leave, I start work tomorrow and am perfectly refreshed. And I left her where she was. Men for Sale! What an extraordinary idea! I've never heard of anything so outrageous, have you? Look – here's the card.
Pause.
Do you think it's a joke . . . or serious?
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Complete Works, Volume II Page 19