by Amy Ruttan
It was across the Atlantic. If Kainan had meant what he’d said about not trying to take her son away from her, Peter wouldn’t see Kainan much. As King, Kainan’s duties would take over—and what would happen when he married?
A king needed a queen.
You could be that queen.
No, she couldn’t. Her life was here.
What life?
Still, she was protecting Peter’s heart. She didn’t want him to feel abandonment as she had. It was the right decision that he stayed away, so the press wouldn’t discover Peter. News of Kainan’s presence in Toronto was in all the papers. Not that she’d had a lot of time to read in between her duties at the hospital and being with Peter.
All she’d had time for was the headlines.
The world was waiting for Kainan to say something. Anything. Yet he couldn’t. Not until after his surgery.
Reagan knew that Michael was overwhelmed in keeping the press out of the hospital so that they didn’t pry into Kainan’s life. Or hers.
At least there had been no mention of her. Which meant they didn’t know about Peter.
That was good, but who knew how long that would last? It was something she didn’t want to think about it.
She watched Kainan now, from a distance. He was sitting in the empty classroom, writing. When they’d served in Isla Hermosa he had told her that he was at the forefront of a new surgical technique that would save lives, but the war had put an end to that.
He was researching again now, while the medical students were on a break for the upcoming Christmas holidays. That meant Kainan didn’t really need Reagan unless he was out and about in the hospital. Although she couldn’t help but wonder how he would be able to develop a surgical technique when he couldn’t speak.
To develop a surgical technique he had to be able to perform surgery, and without his voice that was something he couldn’t do at the moment.
She was impressed by him. He was so strong. That was what had drawn her in last time. She smiled to herself, still watching Kainan. How did he get to her? Especially when no one else did.
It was thrilling, but unnerving. Those walls of hers had protected her for so long, and yet Kainan could get through to her.
“You do remember me, don’t you, Dr. Cote?”
Reagan spun around to see a security guard—the one who had spoken to her in the hallway at the Royal York. The one she remembered working on in the field. Kainan’s security guard—Andreas.
“I do. It took me some time. I wasn’t used to seeing you with hair.”
The security guard smiled. “I prefer this length over the required shaved head for military service. His Majesty does not care if I keep my hair long, as long as it doesn’t interfere in my duties.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you right away, sir,” she said sheepishly.
He smiled gently. “It’s Andreas—and do not worry. I suspect you have a lot on your mind, especially in regard to your son being so ill.”
Reagan nodded. “I appreciate the fact you’re keeping an eye on him. He’s not Hermosian...”
“He may not have been born there, but he is still half-Hermosian. He is heir to the throne—that’s if he is legitimized.” There was hope in his eyes as he looked her.
She chuckled nervously. “Right...”
That wasn’t going to happen, but Andreas didn’t need to know that.
“I thank you for saving my life that night and for singing me those Christmas songs. I have never forgotten that moment.”
Reagan smiled. “I was just doing my duty—as were you. There is no need to thank me.”
Andreas dipped his head. “Ah, but you sang so sweetly. It gave me such hope. You still give me hope.”
Warmth flooded her cheeks and she discovered she didn’t like the attention he was lavishing on her. “How do you mean?”
Andreas opened his mouth to say something further, and then looked over her shoulder and froze. “My apologies. I must get back to my duties.”
Reagan turned to see that Kainan was standing in the doorway. His hands were in his pockets and he was glaring at Andreas. It was an expression that meant business. It caused a shiver to go down her spine.
Andreas skulked away and Kainan’s gaze never left his retreating form. He looked like a true king—or at least like the ones she’d seen depicted in movies.
“That was rude,” Reagan snapped. King or not, she didn’t like it when people treated others badly.
He was treading where he should not, Kainan signed, and mouthed a curse word.
“What’re you talking about?”
There are affairs of my kingdom that do not concern you. You do not need to know about them.
“Okay...”
And he does not need to know our personal business.
“I agree,” she said, relieved.
Kainan’s expression softened. How are you? I have not seen you these last couple of days.
“I’ve been busy. Actually, I’m on my way to see Peter’s pediatrician in his office. I came to see if you wanted to come.”
Kainan frowned. What’s wrong?
Reagan sighed. “Peter hasn’t been doing so well and the doctor wants to touch base.”
His brow furrowed and she could tell that something was bothering him.
Does this doctor know who I am?
“That you’re his father and the King of Isla Hermosa? Yes, he knows, and he’s signed the confidentiality agreement that Michael has forced upon all those dealing with our special situation.”
Kainan let out a sigh, relief on his face. Then I would like to go and hear for myself.
“Okay.”
Kainan hesitated. That’s if you want me to go?
“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t.”
I have been staying away, like you asked.
Her stomach flip-flopped with guilt. “I know, but perhaps I was wrong.”
He cocked an eyebrow.
“Yes, I was wrong. Don’t stay away.”
She was afraid Kainan that would leave, and that would hurt Peter, but Peter not knowing his father at all and growing up to learn that Reagan had kept Kainan away would be worse.
Peter needed Kainan.
Kainan smiled, those dark eyes twinkling as his gaze held her captive. Then I won’t.
“Good.”
Kainan locked up the classroom and they headed toward the pediatric wing of the hospital, where Dr. Braccio worked.
Reagan sighed. “You know, I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off without my parents.”
Why is that? Kainan signed.
“They never wanted me. Their resentment was horrible. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
You had no love?
“Did you? You said your father wasn’t the best.”
Yes, but my mother loved me. He smiled wistfully. So I was lucky.
“I’m glad you’re here, Kainan. Peter needs you. He needs both of us. I didn’t have my parents when I really needed them and...it was miserable. You’re here, alive, and Peter should have every opportunity to get to know you.”
Kainan nodded. Thank you. I want to get to know him too...before I have to return to Isla Hermosa.
Her stomach clenched. “You have a country to run.”
Let me worry about that. You know I will be there for Peter if he needs me. Of course I could be there all the time if—
She knew where he was going and she didn’t want to go there.
“How is the research coming?” she interrupted, changing the subject but feeling the awkward tension that was between them suddenly.
Good. I am glad to be working on it again. It was my one true passion. I never wanted to be a king. I just wanted medicine.
“I know—you’ve told m
e.”
And what is your grand passion, besides our son?
“I don’t know,” she said. “I enjoyed my time in the military, and when I left Isla Hermosa I was excited to be working at this hospital in trauma. I guess I never really thought beyond those plans, because I found out I was pregnant and my focus shifted.”
Come on, there must’ve been something?
“I once wanted to teach medicine,” she admitted. “I wanted to teach at my alma mater.”
Where was that?
“I went to medical school in London, Ontario. It’s a small city, about two hours west of here. I just loved London. Toronto is my hometown, but it’s too big for me. The prices of the homes are astronomical here, but in London housing is a bit more affordable. I could actually buy a small house and Peter would have a yard to play in. Of course when Peter was born so ill I really had no choice. I had to stay here.”
She laughed nervously.
“It’s not as wild as your aspirations to win a Nobel prize for medicine or anything.”
It’s still a good aspiration. He smiled at her. It’s good to dream of something like that, because that sounds wonderful to me. I didn’t have the luxury to go and play outside when I was a child.
“Oh?” she asked.
Well, there were always threats when it came to the Young Princes. More so with Alek than me, but still... If I did get to go outside then I was followed by Security. There were a few times I managed to sneak away.
“And where did you sneak off to?” she asked with a smile.
To the ocean. I was fascinated by tidal pools and I liked to swim. My mother was terrified of the ocean. Her brother was carried away by a rip tide and died when she was a young girl, so when she found out that I was sneaking away from my bodyguards and heading to the ocean to swim I got in a lot of trouble. I was shipped off to boarding school in Switzerland. Just mountains—no ocean.
“I’m sorry you didn’t have freedom. I didn’t have a huge amount of freedom growing up in the city. There wasn’t many safe places to play—and forget about learning to ride a bike. I grew up on the Danforth.”
What’s the Danforth? Kainan asked.
“A part of Toronto—a neighborhood. It was busy, so I played in a shoebox-sized yard. My parents didn’t really take me anywhere. We didn’t travel. I think I was a bit of a burden to them.”
He frowned. Well, if it’s any consolation I think I was a bit of a burden to my father too.
“Not your mother, though?” she asked.
No, never my mother. Even though she died when I was ten. I was at boarding school when she got sick. I was brought back in time to say goodbye to her.
His expression softened and he had a faraway look in his eyes, like the one he’d had the day before he’d been sent up to the front lines, when he had been staring at the smoke rising from the gates of Helicia.
“I’m sorry to hear that. How did she die?”
Cancer. She did not suffer long. All she wanted was her freedom... He sighed.
“Freedom? Was she a prisoner?”
In a way. She wasn’t locked up, but a member of the royal family has to follow certain protocols, certain rules, and my mother was a bit of free spirit. He smiled sadly. She loved my father, though he never really loved her. Not in the same way.
Reagan could understand that. She’d often wondered if her parents really loved each other because they seemed so cold and so indifferent. She had never been quite sure that they were capable of love. At least Kainan had had love. His mother had loved him, and from the way Kainan described his mother it sounded as if he’d loved her too.
“I understand,” she whispered.
You do? he signed, looking confused.
“My parents were very emotionally closed off to me, and to each other. I didn’t have the best childhood.”
I’m sorry.
“I sometimes wonder if I can be the mother Peter needs.” She blushed, annoyed with herself that she’d let that slip.
You’re an excellent mother, Reagan.
Her pulse quickened as Kainan reached out and took her hand and they continued their walk to the pediatrician’s office, moving in silence the rest of the way.
They stopped in front of Dr. Braccio’s office and Reagan took a deep breath. She had a feeling about what Dan Braccio was going to tell her about Peter. She’d read his chart. Peter was dying. And time was running out for him to get a new heart.
Kainan, as if sensing her apprehension, gave her hand a squeeze and nodded with determination toward the door.
You can do this. You have to do this.
Reagan let go of Kainan’s hand and knocked on the door.
Dan Braccio answered. “Reagan, come on in—and you must be Peter’s father.”
“Kainan,” Kainan said carefully.
“Welcome—it’s nice to meet you.” Dan shook Kainan’s hand, and as Reagan sat down on the edge of the chair Dan shut the door behind them, locking it so that no one would barge in.
Which was not a good sign.
Reagan’s heart started to race and Kainan placed a hand on her shoulder to steady her, as if he knew that she was terrified.
“I’m glad you both could come, and I’m not going to mince words with you as you’re doctors.” Dan took a seat behind his desk. “Peter’s cardiomyopathy is progressing rapidly.”
“How long?” Reagan asked, her voice trembling slightly.
“A month, maybe, if we’re lucky,” Dan said sadly. “The pediatric cardiologist, Dr. Bruni, is very concerned.”
Tears stung her eyes but she tried to keep it together. A month? That was it? That was all she’d have left with her son?
This couldn’t be the end.
A year of life was all he got?
Her world was crumbling under her.
“He has been moved up the priority list on UNOS,” Dan said. “He’s right at the top now. But you both know that infant hearts are hard to come by. I wanted him to get a bit older.”
“He’s three months old now—that’s surely got to give him a better chance?”
Reagan was grasping at straws, but she wasn’t ready to accept defeat yet. Not when it came to Peter. He was her whole world. She didn’t have a contingency plan for life without him.
“Yes, I am glad he’s not newborn. That does give us a slight advantage. It’s easier to find an older heart for an infant as opposed to a newborn heart, but it’s still difficult.” Dan opened up Peter’s file. “We do have a better shot now.”
Kainan tapped her shoulder and she saw he was signing. Dan was watching and waiting for her to translate.
“Kainan would like to know the specifics of what will happen. Will he go on a left ventricular assist device?” she asked.
Dan nodded and looked at Kainan when he addressed him. “I would like to hook him up to an LVAD as soon as possible.” He slid the consent form toward Reagan. “He’s no stranger to surgery, but I hate having to do this to him...”
“I know,” Reagan said dully. “But it’s his only hope.”
Dan nodded. “I’m sorry, Reagan and Kainan. I truly am. This is not an easy situation. I don’t like delivering this kind of news.”
Reagan didn’t respond. What doctor did like delivering this kind of news? None that she could think of. But it was a part of the job and being on this end of the conversation sucked. Big-time.
It was as if someone was trying to cut her heart out with a blunt instrument and hand it to her while it was still beating.
If only she could give her heart to Peter she would. She would give up her life for him. Anything to have him live.
Reagan clicked the pen she didn’t even remember picking up and signed her name on the form, dating it before sliding the form back to Dan.
“When will the surgery take pla
ce?” Reagan asked stonily. She was numb.
“As soon as possible. He needs to go on the device. I’m having my team and the cardiothoracic team prep him for surgery and ready everything I need. I hope to have his surgery done within the next couple of hours.”
Reagan nodded. “Can I be with him?”
“Yes, but you won’t be able to handle him. I’m sorry. We have to take every precaution to prevent infection. This will be taxing for him.”
“I understand.” Reagan stood. “Thank you, Dan.”
Kainan went ahead of her and unlocked the door, holding it open for her. There were so many emotions rushing through her she wasn’t sure what to do. Instead she bottled everything up tight.
There was no time for her to feel.
Right now she had to be strong for Peter.
Kainan seemed to understand. He said nothing, just walked beside her. This time he did not reach out to touch her and she was glad, because if he touched her she would lose it, and she didn’t want to fall apart right now.
* * *
They gowned, gloved, and put on surgical masks before entering the pediatric critical care unit.
There were a few nurses and a couple of young pediatric surgical residents hovering around Peter’s crib, and Reagan let out a hiss of pain and turned away. She couldn’t stand to look.
Kainan’s arm came around her and she looked up into his eyes.
“Be strong. You are strong,” he whispered, his voice hoarse.
He winced, and she knew that uttering those words had been hard for him, painful as well. His words, his voice—even broken—gave her strength.
“I don’t know if I’m this strong,” she said, her voice cracking with the emotion that she could barely contain.
Kainan removed his arm and signed, You’ve been here before. Peter needs you. He will pull through. This is his best chance.
“I know.” She turned back around and stood on the periphery, watching as they readied Peter for surgery. Sophie glanced up once from her work to nod briefly, and then turned back to Peter. Kainan stood beside her.