by T. K. Rapp
“How in the hell did you manage to screw up spaghetti? Even I can make that,” he says, mocking me. I just shrug because I know he’s right, I have never been a good cook, and this is what I get for trying. “Well, good thing you’re hot because your cooking is crap!”
“It’s not that bad, maybe we can scrape the ones from the top,” I offer optimistically.
“Why don’t I just call in a pizza? Let me see if I can find a number to some place local,” he says as he starts digging through drawers.
I exhale loudly, admitting defeat, “Fine.”
“What would you do without me?” He laughs, as she starts to dial the number on his cell.
The Past: Game Changer
The end of the semester was approaching quicker than I was prepared for, which meant I was spending all of my time cramming for finals. As soon as classes had started, my workload was more than I expected and I was kicking my own ass just to stay afloat. I still talked to Drew almost every day, some days it was a simple text, others we were able to catch up on most things. After the Graceland debacle, I decided that I just needed to move on and start dating and Griff was a good place to start. He was a guy from my biology class who had asked me out several times before spring break, but I kept turning him down. He seemed like a nice guy, but we had nothing in common. I always had a valid excuse as to why I was unavailable, until one afternoon he asked where I was headed, and since I was headed nowhere, he offered to take me out then and there. Two months later, we were still together.
Most nights with Griff were spent at his place or mine, and that was spent watching biographies of political figures. He aspired to be like the greats, so he made sure to keep his reputation clean, no skeletons in his closet, so that one day he could be listed among them.
Opposites would be the perfect description of us. I enjoyed the occasional alcoholic beverage, but he didn’t drink at all because he said people used it as an excuse to misbehave. He didn’t like going out dancing because he didn’t want any compromising portraits to exist that could show him in a negative light. A girl can only spend so many nights stuck in an apartment, literally doing nothing, before she explodes. I waited for something to ignite between us, but there were no sparks. When my two-month max approached, I broke things off with Griff because it seemed mean to drag him along when I felt nothing. He didn’t take it well, sputtering something about our future and me regretting it. I don’t remember much of what he said because the relief I felt when I ended it was freeing.
I never asked Drew if he was dating anyone. Before our trip, I would have, but after, knowing that he had someone would hurt too much, and I relegated myself to the friend-zone once again. I knew that guy better than anyone, and I knew his class schedule, because that was my type-A personality. It was a Tuesday night and I needed to make sure we were still on for Thursday because he was coming out to visit and go to some party with me. I had to wait until I knew he was home to call.
“Yeeesss?” he answered obnoxiously.
“Don’t act like you’re doing anything special, you know you were waiting for my call,” I said with my typical biting wit.
“Stalk much?”
“You wish! So, Thursday. Party. You coming?”
“Me. Party. Yes.” He said in a Neanderthal tone. I swear I heard him pound his chest.
“Very funny. Don’t be an ass,” I deadpanned.
“Yeah, I’ll be there, but listen, I have some things to take care of, so I can’t pick you up. Would it be okay if I meet you there?”
I admit I was disappointed, what could he possibly have to do? I made sure to mention the party every time we talked, I even added it to his calendar, and now he was going to meet me there? “O-k. I guess I’ll text you the address. What time should I expect you?”
“I shouldn’t be too late. Just have your phone on you and I’ll text if I get lost.”
“Awesome. You can’t wait to see me!” I reminded him before I hung up. I sat there moping, wondering who I was going to get to drive me to the party. Nevaeh wasn’t going, and I didn’t want to take my car and have to leave it. So I resorted to calling Griff. I knew it was a bitchy thing to do but since I knew he was going to the party I asked him if I could ride with him, which he all too eagerly agreed.
Two hours after I arrived to the party, I was stuck listening to Griff drone on and on about why it was we worked so well. He listed reasons, but none of them mattered because all I could focus on was the fact that my best friend stood me up. I kept discretely looking at my phone, but there were no missed calls and no texts indicating that he was or was not going to show up. This disappointment was palpable and, despite my attempts to be an attentive participant in the pointless discussion, it just wasn’t happening. Had I listened to him anymore, I might have given in, just to shut him the hell up, but lucky for me, I looked up and saw Drew rounding the corner. In a very un-Cass move, I stood up and walked away from Griff without so much as an “excuse me,” and headed toward him. I had a small smile, trying to contain my excitement, but I was thrilled he was there. How was it that he looked even better than before?
He didn’t move toward me, he just stood there watching me as I meandered through the crowd and it felt like slow motion, somehow dodging grabby hands and stumbling idiots. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him and I knew I was screwed. As I got closer I began moving faster toward him and when I finally reached him, I hugged him so hard. It had only been a few months since I’d seen him last, but it seemed like years. I’m not sure what was different about this time, but before I could stop myself I stood on my toes and kissed him. It was an innocent kiss, but I wished it were more.
“What’s in this?” he asked taking the red cup from hand and sniffed it before taking a sip.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, “about that,” I explained sheepish, I could feel my face starting to flame.
He dropped his head and eyed someone over my shoulder. “So is the guy looking like he’s about ready to kill me, Griff?”
I followed his gaze before answering, “Yeah.”
“So, why aren’t you with him?” He asked, nodding his head in Griff’s direction.
“He’s a really nice guy,” was all I could say.
“So I guess, based on that hello, it’s not serious.” He wasn’t asking, because he already knew the answer.
My lip quirked up in a small grin, before answering him, “No, a few weeks ago I told him that I needed some time to sort through some things.” I added, “He really is a nice guy.”
“I think you already mentioned that,” he commented with a raised brow.
Before I could say anything else, he leaned in and kissed me, not caring at all who saw and my stomach dropped and my head was swimming in confusion. What changed between Graceland and tonight, that he would kiss me? Not that I didn’t want him to, because I did, but he made it clear to me that our time had passed. His kiss was passionate until I reached my hand to touch his cheek. He stopped suddenly and pulled away from me. I figured he was going to give me the brush off, so I tried to beat him to it. “What took you so long to get here? Get lost?”
“Sorta. Fuckin’ GPS sent me the long way around. I don’t know why I used it, because it’s always wrong,” he explained with embarrassment. “Look, can we go somewhere and talk?” He asked, looking around.
“What’s there to talk about?” Disappointment laced my tone, and I didn’t even try to hide it. He grabbed my hands and started to lead me to the front of the house.
“Please, just come with me. My truck is a few blocks down the road, I’ll come back and pick you up.”
“Dude, I’m fine, I can walk a few blocks,” I said in a nonchalant tone.
“Dude? Did you really just say ‘dude’?” He shook his head slowly and grunted at me. “That’s cute and all, but you sound ridiculous,” he teased.
As we were heading back to my place, we rode in painful silence, both apprehensive to acknowledge what happened. I let my
feelings get the best of me and pretty much attacked him, so staring out of the window felt like the best option. I played with the ring Drew gave me for graduation, dreading what he was going to say to me when we finally got to my apartment. Nev was supposed to be with some guy she met, so I wouldn’t have the buffer of our friend to diffuse the situation.
When we got to my tiny apartment, I opened the door to let us in and walked to sit on the old worn out couch Nev’s parents had given us. I hoped that the distance would make it less weird, but then he started talking. “You seem different, but I don’t know what it is.” He furrows his brow studying me closer.
“I’m still me, nothing’s different,” I concluded for him, feeling vulnerable under his gaze. “Look, I’m sorry about the kiss. It's not a big deal, I have no idea what came over me.”
“So you didn't want to kiss me?” He asked for clarification.
“No. I...,” I started before he cut me off.
“No you didn't want to kiss me or no you wanted to?”
“No,” I stammered. “Jeez, Drew! You're confusing the fuck outta me! I didn't plan on kissing you, okay! It just kind of happened, and that's what I'm sorry for, I didn’t mean to make things weirder than they already are.” I stared at him and waited for him to say something to alleviate the tension.
Just when I was going to get up and away, chalking it up to another disastrous weekend with Drew, he spoke up, “I'm not.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I charged toward him needing to kiss him again. This wasn’t the innocent kiss from before because this kiss was like breathing. I needed it and I needed him more than I’d needed anything before. My best friend, the guy I loved, felt what I was feeling at the same time. But just as quickly as it started, he placed his hands on my shoulders to separate himself from me. I knew he wanted me just as much because it was taking everything in him to break away, I just didn’t know why. Feeling rejected for the second time that night, I turned to walk away, only to have him forcefully pull me back to kiss me again, but this time, I didn’t return the kiss.
“Please let me go,” I begged in a whisper. “You’re messing with my head, so just stop.”
“Please don't hate me," he breathed out, as he pressed his forehead to mine, “We need to talk.”
His chest was rising rapidly as he tried to catch his breath and it took everything in me not to kiss him again. “I don't hate you; I never could. I'm sorry, I should have just left it alone,” I assured him quietly. I couldn’t look at him for fear that the tears piercing my eyes would flow the moment I locked my eyes with his.
“Don't. Don't be like that. This has nothing to do with you. I do want you, I have for years.” When he said those words, I knew it was true, he did feel for me the same.
“But what about Graceland? I threw myself at you, practically begged you and you rejected me,” I remind him of our last night there.
“That night was something I had hoped for and when you decided to make some sort of move, I had no idea where it was coming from. I had told you that Sage wanted to get back together and that I was considering it, and you didn’t even tell me not to. I waited for you to speak up, to tell me how you felt about me, but you said nothing. That last night, you just put it all out there, and of course, I wanted you, but not like that, not when you were drunk. That’s not how I wanted you and that’s why I stopped it.”
“You’re such an ass sometimes. You know me and how hard it is for me to open up and share my feelings, it’s not like you even asked me.” My temper is growing by the second.
“Then tell me how you feel. What do you want from me? From us?” He asked, sounding desperate for an answer.
“Don’t ask me to tell you that, it’s too hard,” I conceded as tears rolled down my face. He walked over to me and invaded my space, urging me to look at him.
“Tell me,” he ordered.
“Damn it, Drew! Stop! You know how I feel,” I hesitated not wanting to have to say it. “I love you, I’m in love with you, and I have been for a while. You told me once that you were in love with me, but I walked away and that decision has killed me ever since,” I yelled at him through my tears. When I finally looked at him, his eyes are wide with shock; he looked as though I knocked the wind out of him, so I whispered once more, “I love you.”
His brow furrowed for a moment as my words sank in and a sexy smile spread across his lips, “You’re in love with me?”
“Yeah,” I pinched my fingers together and held them up to his face, “just a little.”
Apparently that’s all he needed because he closed the small distance between us and kissed me hard. It was messy, we laughed, and our teeth gnashed and hands were all over the place, but it was a perfect mess. I grabbed his hand and led him to my bedroom and closed the door behind us for fear that Nev would walk in, even though she was supposed to be gone for the night.
I pulled him to my bed and climbed onto his lap so that I could kiss him more and let his hands touch me in a way he never had before. He was grasping at my back, pulling me closer to him like I was his lifeline, and just as I started to pull my shirt over my head, he stopped me.
“Is this what you really want?” I didn’t allow his words to deter me; instead I pulled his lips to mine to kiss him again, to let him know without words what I wanted.
When I pulled away, I told him what we both already knew, “I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” I reminded him between kisses. And it was true, but if he needed to hear the words, I was going to tell him. “I want you.”
He lifted me off his lap and placed me on my back as he leaned over me, only breaking our contact to ask, “Are you sure?”
“There’s never been anyone else, only you,” I admitted somewhat embarrassed, hoping that he understood what I was telling him. I had always wanted to wait for the right time, the right person, the right place, but in that moment, there was only right then and I just didn’t care about any other rights.
I was simultaneous terrified and excited as Drew slowly unbuttoned my jeans and helped me shimmy out of them. He’d never seen me in anything less than a bikini, and the line of modesty was gently and excruciatingly disappearing. I didn’t know what to do because my inexperience left me in unchartered territory, so I was just going to have to trust him. He was unhurried and tender as he moved, checking along the way that I was okay, but I was anything but.
He must have sensed my apprehension because he stopped undressing me and kissed me more, which I didn’t mind at all. My body was driving me crazy because clearly I wanted him, so much, but my head, my stupid head kept screaming, telling me to stop. I was having an internal struggle when I’d had enough. I tuned out the voice in my head and listened to my body, because I loved him and wanted him so much. This wasn’t some random guy; this was Drew, my best friend. He knew me better than anyone and I trusted him more than I had ever trusted another guy. That was all the rationale I need and I knew he couldn’t read my mind, so I pushed him away and removed what was left of my clothing before pulling him back to me, ensuring that he got the message.
I was his.
Letting Go
Drew, Luke, Nevaeh and I sat in the kitchen eating our pizza making jokes about my botched cooking attempt and talking about when everyone was coming in. I was eager for a buffer that excluded my best friend who royally screwed me over by not telling me Drew was going to be here. The conversation has become forced as the night winds down and I can tell just by looking at Nev and Luke, they want alone time.
“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m exhausted,” Luke stretches dramatically. “We’ll probably call it a night early,” Luke finishes nodding to Nev not at all subtly.
“Oh hell no! I did all the driving, there is no way you are tired,” Drew bellows.
“Dude, I haven’t seen my girl in two days, back the hell off,” Luke argues. “Besides, you need to get some sleep, aren’t you going zip lining in the morning?”
I sit up a little straighter hearing that because it’s something I’ve always wanted to try, but have been too afraid. What do I have to be afraid of now? Drew seems to pick up on my attention to the plans he has for tomorrow, but probably sees it as fear in my eyes, not the interest that it actually is. I have always been a little too skittish for my own good, and of course that’s not something that’s never changed for me.
“Yeah, I’m leaving here at seven. Anyone interested?” His knee nudges mine playfully, knowing that I won’t go because of my insane fear of pretty much everything.
“Actually, I am.” I declare with certainty. Both he and Nev turn wide, shock-filled eyes in my direction.
“Whatever! You are so not going to do it,” Nev argues. "You get scared climbing the steps in your condo."
“I do not," I say, sticking out my tongue like a kid. "Besides, new me. Remember?” I say pointing a circle around my face, as if it explains everything. Nevaeh just shakes her head silently calling bullshit on my statement.
“Alright, Pia’s in, who else?”
“Pia?” Luke asks.
“Shut it, Drew,” I warn, but I know it’s too late. Luke is like a petulant kid when he wants information. He can truly be such a pain in the ass.
“Oh hell no," he objects obnoxiously. "Now you have to tell.” Luke demands.
I glare at Drew and sigh before facing the others to explain, “It’s a nickname that jackass here gave me. When he found out that my crazy-ass parents named me after a damn constellation. He started calling me Pia just to irritate the shit outta me. And it worked!” I give him the evil eye before I finish, “I always hated it, but lucky for him, he would use it when no one was around.”
“What constellation is that?” Luke looks between us searching for the answer.
I roll my eyes, knowing the response I am about to get. “Cassiopeia.”
Luke and Nev start laughing and I suddenly feel a little perturbed by how quickly we have fallen into old patterns. If someone were to see us talking right now, they’d think we’ve still been close all this time, but that can’t be further from the truth.