by T. K. Rapp
“You don’t mean that,” he replied as though I had knocked the breath out of him. “You know me better than anyone ever has. You know everything about me and the things people say about me, but you’ve always defended me.”
“I guess they were right all along,” I said cruelly.
“If that’s how you really feel,” he drew out, “then there’s nothing else for me to say.” He sounded so hurt, but I couldn’t take it back.
“That’s how I feel,” I said simply.
“Okay, then I won’t bother you again,” he sounded so defeated. “I’ll always love you, Cass.”
I felt my chest tighten and my eyes well with tears, but I took a deep breath and pulled myself together once more. “I’ll probably always love you, too.” I didn’t wait for a response; I just hung up the phone and let the crying start all over again.
Watching the Earth Below
What the hell did I agree to last night?
When I headed to my room, I looked down the hall to his room and saw a light on. For a fleeting moment, I actually considered going to talk to him a little longer, but there wasn’t anything to say. I thought about his parents and what his mom must be going through and the fact that Logan is going to be a dad. That news was interesting because he wasn’t exactly the family guy, but people change. All of those thoughts had my temper flaring slightly because if he had been the guy I thought he was five years ago, I would still be close to his family.
Can I really do this today? Spend an entire day alone with Drew?
Aside from my obvious apprehension of being with him, my lifelong fear of heights is starting to get to me and it pisses me off. It just goes to show there is no new me. I am, and will always be the same old Cass. Too organized, too rigid and too boring to ever truly change.
“Cass?” I hear Drew’s voice on the other side of my door after a faint knock. “You gonna be ready in ten?”
It’s the moment of truth. Am I going to be able to go through with this?
“Yeah, I’ll be ready,” my voice strains out and it sounds weak, even to me. I need to get up and dressed in a hurry before I lose what little nerve I actually have left. I’m not going to think about it too much because I’ll just end up talking myself out of it. I put on my favorite beige shorts and a white tank top because the June heat in Hill Country is already oppressive at seven in the morning. By the time we finish today, the temperature will likely be in the mid-nineties.
Today is not the day to wear my hair down, which is fine with me, so I pull it up into a ponytail before washing my face. Makeup will be a non-issue today for a couple of reasons, one of which is that I’m not trying to fix myself up for Drew, and the other being that I don’t want my makeup to smear down my face when I start sweating. Once satisfied with my appearance, I head out the door, unsure of where the day will lead.
The ride out to Wimberley starts out uncomfortable. I guess neither of us knows what to say or how to act because the conversation is forced. Drew was never one to let things go, and the way he’s acting, I feel like there is a talk to be had at some point over the course of the weekend.
“I can’t believe you still have this truck,” I muse, while checking it out. This truck was new when he was in college, and it clearly has thousands of extra miles. But he takes good care of his things, and if it weren’t for the worn interior, it would look pretty new.
“She’s still good to me,” he pats the dash, “why would I get rid of her? Lots of good memories in this baby.”
I know he’s hinting at our time together, but I ignore the comment. “Not exactly a chick magnet, D.”
“You’re here aren’t you?” He says quickly, noticeably flirting with me.
“You got me in a moment of weakness,” I tease back. Am I flirting with Drew?
“That’s all I need,” he says, never taking his eyes off the road, “a moment.”
Shit, what is he talking about? There isn’t a moment left to be had between us. That moment is gone and he put a nail in that coffin. I remember those moments too, but I snap back to reality, “Mind if I DJ?”
“Your music choices still suck?” he grins and then waves at the controls “By all means, DJ away.”
I start scanning through his iPod and decide I like mine better. We never had the same taste in music, and we still don’t, so this ends up being a back and forth. I find a song; he changes it, calling it crap. Inevitably, I hate his selection and change it again. It was always like that with us, and it’s nice to know that we can fall back into that routine easily. We’re both happy when I finally find something that he doesn’t seem to despise and it happens to be a favorite song of mine Stars, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.
“So are you dating anyone?” He asks, breaking my thoughts.
“Where did that come from?” I scoff at him.
“Yesterday, you never answer my question about that guy in the picture with you.”
I grin and nod my head, because I had been able to dodge that question. “That’s Seth. I met him about a year ago while I was out jogging. He’s a nice guy. We hit a rough spot a few months ago because he wanted to move in together, and even talked about marriage, but I wasn’t ready for it. We didn’t break up right away, more just grew apart because we didn’t want the same things. But I miss him. Since then, I’ve been out on a few dates because apparently being single at twenty-five is a sin that I’m not aware of. So I have become the subject of numerous, albeit disastrous, blind dates. And when I say disaster, I mean epically horrible,” I laugh. “So, I decided to take a break for a while and just be alone.”
“So why didn’t you want to move forward with Seth?” He seems genuinely interested. “I thought the ring is what all you girls want.”
“You know me better than that,” I reprimand him with a smile.
“I thought I did, once,” he seems pained by that revelation.
“You did.”
I reach over to switch the song he chose because we have listened to his crap for long enough, but I can’t seem to find anything. I let out an exaggerated sigh, leaving it on some song from his iPod that he apparently likes because he begins singing. I drop my hand on the console and listen to the words. Something about “I was the man for you.”
“Who is this?” I ask him, because the voice is not something I would typically like. This one is raspy, with a twang.
“Bob Dylan. How do you not know Dylan?” He asks me before the light bulb goes off and he shakes his head. “Never mind.”
He rests his arm next to mine and I remember this feeling. I used to wait for the fleeting moments when his arm would brush mine, but that was before he ruined everything. When I was alone with him I had the whole sweaty palms and butterflies, but I always tried to convince myself it was nothing. But here I am, five years later, and he still makes me feel all of those things. He glances down at our hands and slowly reaches for mine but thankfully stops short. Too many memories are flooding my mind and he will only confuse me if he oversteps. That’s not who we are anymore.
“I’ve missed this,” he says watching the road. “Being able to hang out with you.”
“Yeah, me too.” It’s all I can say past the lump in my throat. I have missed him more than I am willing to admit to him.
When we get to Wimberley we have to stop at a convenience store to ask directions to our destination. Fortunately, we are closer than we thought and my stomach has started to feel as though I ate a vat of butterflies. I hope I can make it; I want to beat my fear, because, well, I need to beat something.
We arrive to a little shack of a place that boasts amazing views and safe excursions, but I don’t care how safe they claim, because there is nothing natural about this and I’m starting to freak the hell out. Drew throws the truck into park and jumps out while I remain glued to my seat. I know that just beyond the building is a platform that awaits our “adventure.” All I can think about is the cable snapping or the harness not being secure enough
and falling to my death. Needless to say, I jump when Drew opens the passenger door.
“Fuck, Cass, are you okay? You’re shaking,” he reaches for my hand to help me out.
“I’m good,” I saying trying to convince myself as much as him.
“You don’t have to do this, you know?” He says in a soothing tone, but all I hear is his doubt, and my back immediately straightens at his suggestion that I back out.
“I know; I don’t do anything I don’t want to do,” I retort with all the conviction that I can muster. Thank God for my stubbornness, and I can tell from his shit-eating grin he was banking on that.
“Oh, I know that all too well,” is all he says in response causing me to blush.
“Alright, let’s do this,” I say jumping like a crazy person on speed.
We head inside to get our crash course in safety and everything else we need to know about zip lining. Our guide walks us up a hill about half a mile where we reach the first perch and I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach from my nerves. The guide looks at the both of us and asks who would be going first.
I look at Drew and smile widely, “You go first and wait for me on the other side.”
“Oh hell no, I know how this works. I’ll go first and then you’re going to bail. Nope, you go ahead,” he argued playfully.
“I swear, I’m going to do this, I just don’t want you to see me freak out before I do. Please! Just go first,” then I really sealed it with some flirting. “I’ll feel better if you are there waiting on the other side.” Jeez, I sounded ridiculous. Damsel party of one.
“Fine,” he concedes with a laugh, “but so help me, if you’re not there, you better hope someone comes back to pick you up.”
I stand back and watch as he’s secured into the harness listening to the guide about what he needs to do. When he’s finally released, I watch as he glides over the brush with the biggest grin on his handsome face. Stop looking at him like that, I have to remind myself, even though it’s really hard to tear my eyes away. He made it look so amazing that I actually get very excited when my turn comes.
I’m not going to lie, I still have knots in my stomach, but as soon as I am pushed off, the sound of the trolley sliding across the thick wire somehow mollifies me. There’s a euphoric feeling as I glide over the earth below and the gorgeous blue sky above. I’m so proud of myself that I give into the tears that started to sneak out, but, these are tears of joy, simply because I’m actually doing it.
When I reach the landing, I step down to see Drew grinning at me with a look I could recognize anytime. He’s proud of me. The moment I’m unfastened, I run into his arms and hug him as hard as I can because it was better than anything I could imagine. I pull my head back to look at him and wipe a stray tear, “Thank you for this.”
“You are most welcome,” he replies hugging me again.
When he releases the hug I was in, he pushes me at arms length willing me to look at him before saying, “I’m so proud of you, Cass.”
“I’m proud of me, too,” I say broadly.
Before I realize what’s happening, he leans down and places a soft innocent kiss on my lips that leaves me dizzy and somewhat perturbed.
I lift my fingers to my lips trying to figure out what he just did. “Why did you do that?” I don’t try to hide my annoyance.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -,” he trails, not finishing his thought. He seems uncomfortable by his lapse in judgment, not that I can blame him.
I inhale sharply and push that moment away, making a mental note to make sure the lines are completely visible between us. I want to enjoy the rest of the day, and I’d like to find some semblance of friendship with Drew while we’re here, so I just need to move on. “So where to next?” I ask brightly, grabbing my gear for the next perch. We wait for the guide to point us in the direction we need to head before leaving the area.
We spend the next two hours soaring high above the ground with the heat beating down on us. Every line is better than the last and by the time we finish the last one, I’m actually sad our journey is over. As we make our hike back through the trails marking the end of our day, the silence between us is obvious, but for once, neither of us seems to have the need to fill it. I link my arm through his, just like I used to so long ago, and he takes it in stride leading the way back to his truck. My mind drifts and I don’t realize until I leave my stupor that he has led me to a lookout that allows you to take in the valley below.
“This is amazing,” my eyes widen at the sight.
“It really is,” he says. And when I look at him, he’s just staring at me.
“You know, I’ve never done anything like this. It felt like an out of body experience…” I was saying when he leans down and kisses me, completely rendering me speechless.
“I’m sorry,” he starts with a shy smile.
“Are you kidding me? Again? What the hell is wrong with you, Drew?” I protest as I push away from him.
“I don’t know, you ramble when you’re nervous, and I just, well, I wanted to kiss you.”
“I wasn’t rambling,” I start to explain because for once, I really wasn’t. “This was an amazing day, so let’s not ruin it, okay?”
He doesn’t say another word, and neither do I. We just turn to look back at the horizon. I’m exhausted and confused thinking about the kiss that just happened. And, because I’m me, I dissect everything, trying to find an answer, but I come up with nothing. I have been unable to process anything that has happened since I left the comfort of my home yesterday.
Close Calls
The ride back to Canyon Lake is worse than when we came out. What was he thinking pulling that shit? Yes, I might ramble when I’m nervous or uncomfortable, but for him to just act like nothing’s changed is insane. It’s been five years and so much has changed since then. It was an amazing day, I did something I’ve never done before and just when we seemed to find our role with each other as friends, he kisses me. I’m silently begging for the earth to open up and swallow me so I can escape the discomfort of this place inside his truck.
“I’m impressed that you went through with zip lining earlier,” he nods to himself before teasing. “You were always too stubborn for your own good.”
“So you were placating me on purpose before?”
“Yeah,” he laughs, “I guess I was. I’m glad to see some things don’t change.”
I turn to look at him, unsure of how to respond to that when my phone rings. It’s the second time Seth’s called this week, but I’ve just made it a point to avoid him, so I ignore his call again.
“Do you need to get that?” he asks without looking at me.
“No, I’ll call them back later,” I tell him, though I don’t want to talk to him or even about him, especially with Drew.
“So how many times have you gone zip lining?” I ask him, interested in his story.
“I’ve gone a few times up in Lake Travis, they have an awesome course,” he gushes, “I don’t get to do it as often as I’d like, though.”
“When was your first time going?”
He grows silent, and squints his eyes trying to recall. It’s a little too adorable, so I have to look away. “I guess it was about five years ago. I wasn’t in a good place and Luke wanted to go somewhere and dragged me along. Now I do it every chance I get.”
I think about what he just said, five years ago; he can’t be talking about what happened between us. I know I was a mess for months after that, but following that last call, I never heard from him again. In fact, that was one of the reasons I was even more hurt by him, he never tried and I was left to assume that he had just told me what I wanted to hear. He was able to move on without a second thought. He wasn’t in a good place? Why would he tell me that, it’s not like I asked for details about what led him to try it, I just wanted to know how long he’d been doing it for. Damn it! If I can’t reign in my composure I’m likely to say something I shouldn’t.
“So
who’s gonna be there tonight?” He asks out of the blue. I shake my head, finally able to push the thoughts aside. He’s probably as eager to move on from that topic as I am.
“Be where?” I ask, wondering if I’d missed part of a conversation.
His brow furrows in confusion, “We’re going to The Garden tonight, right?”
“Oh that, yeah, we’re going. There’s supposed to be a few people from high school showing up at some point, not that I care to see them,” I snort. “Tab and James got in late last night. I think they were sleeping when we left this morning,” I glance at my watch. “Do you remember Alana? She was a year younger than us,” I wait while he tries to recall her face. “Well she and her fiancé, Chris, should be there by now. And Virgie, I’m not sure when to expect her.” He nods his head as I rattle off a list of names that Nev had mentioned to me when I asked the same question of her. It’s not until I say Rhen’s name that he seems to take notice.
“Rhen, huh?” He asks before raising his voice imitating a schoolgirl’s using words I had once used to describe him. “Rhen is so damn hot! Do you think I should go out with him?” He finishes, dramatically fanning his face with his hand.
I laugh at his comment and swat at his arm, “Shut up. That was years ago, and you were right.”
“What’s that? Can you say that again please? I was, what?” He leans over the seat emphasizing his delight at my words.
“Right! Okay, are you happy now? You. Were. Right. Rhen was a total asshole. The moment I rejected him, he turned on me and treated me like shit.”
He moved to sit upright in his seat again, pleased with my admission. Yes, Rhen was an ass to me, but it’s laughable that Drew can even sit there and point a finger when he hurt me a million times more than Rhen ever could.
“Have you seen him since graduation?”
“Nah,” I wave my hand in the air dismissively, “he has said he was going to show up the last two years and never does. So it’s worked out in my favor. Besides, by the end of the night, everyone is so drunk and people are dancing all over the place that you don’t even realize who’s there and who’s not. But Nev and I always make sure we stick together somehow, but I’m not sure how that’ll work this time.”