by T. K. Rapp
I grab my phone a send Nev a text that I need her to come back to the house because I have something to tell her. She rushes over so quick that it seems like she’s arrived even before the text was sent.
“Cassi?” she yells as she enters the front door. “Where are you? Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine, we’re back here,” I yell from the patio.
“Prudence Cassiopia Howard! What the hell is going on? Spill it now,” Nev gets pretty demanding when she’s concerned.
“Just stop. Okay? I have something to tell you,” I say calmly.
“Okay, well, lets go to your room,” she says getting up and grabbing my hand trying to lead me away.
“It’s okay, Drew already knows,” I look over at him and offer a weak smile. “We’ve been sitting here talking for a while, and I just told him something that I need to tell you.”
Her face has changed to concern as she sits next to me, waiting to see what’s so serious that I have shared with someone I haven’t seen in so long. I notice her glance to Drew, no doubt hoping for some clue as to what to expect and he gives her a tight nod, letting her know that whatever it is, it’s serious.
“So yesterday, when I told you I found a lump, I said I was going in next week to have some tests run.” I wait for her to recall our conversation before laying it all out there for her. “Well, I didn’t tell you everything. I did find a something a few weeks ago and had it checked out. I was just at the doctor’s office the other day and I found out I have breast cancer.”
I try to remain neutral while telling her all of this, but it’s really hard when I see her eyes filling with tears, fearing the worst. I squeeze her hand hoping to let her know that I’m going to be okay, but she rips her hand away from me, “You kept this from me? Why wouldn’t you tell me yesterday or even the day you found out?” I’m a little shocked because I certainly never expected this reaction from her. She’s so pissed at me that she won’t even look at me.
“I didn’t want to ruin our trip,” I try halfheartedly to explain.
“Bullshit! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! I would have gone with you to the appointment, I would have rescheduled this trip…”
“That’s why! I didn’t want you to change anything because you were so excited about this trip and getting to spend time with Luke. I love you, Nev, but I didn’t want you hovering,” I wish she could see this isn’t about her, I wasn’t trying to leave her out, I just needed to do things my way.
“So what now?” She asks, still angry, but at least she’s still talking to me.
“I go in on Wednesday to start my treatments and we’ll go from there.”
“Who knows about this?”
“Well, you and my parents, and” I look over to Drew and smile slightly, “Drew.”
The Road Ahead
After admitting to Nev what was really going on with me, as predicted, she was watching me like a hawk and it was annoying me to no end. I guess the guys felt the same because when we woke up this morning, all of us were in a mood. After some forced conversation, each of us conceded that the trip was a bust and decided that we would be heading out a day earlier than expected. I could see the disappointment in Nev’s face, but I know she wasn’t enjoying herself either; she still hasn’t let up on being angry with me for not telling her sooner.
Alana and Tabitha don’t seem too upset about our departure; they get to have the place all to themselves. I didn’t find a good time to talk to them and let them know what’s going on, but that’s okay because I’m sure they’ll hear about it before too long. I think they sense something is going on, but both of them have always been a little too self-involved to delve further for answers, unless of course, it’s for gossip’s sake.
After breakfast, I quickly packed everything up so I could have a little bit of time to myself before we head out. I went by Nev’s room to let her know that I was going for a walk, and she barely said two words to me when I left. I’m not sure how long I can take her cold shoulder act, but I guess I just need to give her a little more time. One thing is certain, there is no way I can spend four hours in a car on the receiving end of her silent treatment, or worse yet, her guilt trip. This gave me a decent excuse to ask Drew if I could ride with him.
Instead of walking the gravel path that leads to the winding road, I decide to take the path that leads through the thick brush and tall trees next to the house. I have no idea where the path leads, but it’s obvious that it’s one people have walked before, so I feel safe following it, but I grab a stick, just in case, because I’m not crazy. The further I enter into the brush, the wider the path clearing gets. Had I ever taken time to get out of my own head for a while, I probably would have stumbled upon this path sooner. It’s a shame, really, because as I meander through the tall grass, I am led to a set of makeshift steps that lead to the lake. I am a little disappointed that we’re leaving, especially when looking at the view spread before me. This is not a shoreline that I’m used to since this is mostly rock, but it’s beautiful nonetheless. Seeing the boats in the distance and not another soul on the beach for miles gives me the sense of serenity I have been looking for.
I didn’t have the chance to really enjoy anything about this place because I’ve been so caught up in myself, avoiding the mess of facing Drew, keeping my cancer a secret from everyone, that everything else passed me by. I don’t want to live my life like this, being angry and missing out because I’m too afraid. But when you’ve spent a lifetime protecting yourself, or running, however you want to look at it, it’s hard to change those habits; they’ve become my security blanket. I decided to try to break my avoiding habit earlier when I asked Drew if I could ride back home with him. I had dual reasons for asking, one was to be alone with him and maybe get to know him as we are now, but the other was to get a break from Nevaeh. I guess some habits are easier than others. I run from one and to another.
I walk to the edge and sit on the uneven landscape to enjoy the silence and look into the horizon remembering the scattered moments of this trip. I’m not even sure how I got here because when I came out, I was a bundle of nerves, hoping to enjoy something, but never expecting the surprise of Drew. I had been so upset with Nev for keeping that from me, and there I was doing the same thing to her, only with something that was really important. I understand why she’s so upset with me; I think it’s more fear than anything, and she’s never been good dealing with feelings. Oddly enough, the surprise of Drew being here on the trip ended up helping to distract me, at least for a while, from what was going on with me, and the fears I have about my treatments. I’m still not sure what Nev hoped to accomplish having him here, maybe closure, but I do appreciate it; I think I need to tell her that.
Drew and I talked for a while and he kept insisting on being there with me, and while I appreciate it, I can’t really understand why? It’s been so long and we’ve had completely separate lives this whole time, but not like he’s asking to be with me. I know that he cares for me, as I do him, but can it ever really be any more than that again? The very idea of what ifs have my stomach doing things that only make me more jittery, so I have to stop this train of thought because I’m getting way too ahead of myself. There are so many reasons I won’t let my mind wander down that path, one of which that despite my doctor stating my prognosis is good, ever the pessimist, I’m still not convinced.
The breeze from the lake blows my hair into my face, causing me to turn into it to move the loose strands from my eyes. Apparently I have been oblivious to anything but my own thoughts because I see Drew approaching, and the sound of his shoes crunching on the rock is painfully noticeable. I feel my body tense under his scrutiny and I am hoping that he doesn’t ask the “how are you” question, and I’m beyond relieved when he doesn’t. Instead, he takes a seat next to me, bringing his knees up and leans back on his hands, mimicking my position. We stare at the water in silence, never looking at each other, but I still wonder what he’s thinking about.
I finally brave a peek from the corner of my eye and his lips quirk up in a smile, so he leans over and playfully nudges me, making me return his smile.
“Thanks,” I finally say out loud.
“For what?” He asks, looking at me.
“For not asking. For just being here and not asking,” I know I don’t need to explain my answer because he knows what I’m talking about.
Without a word he nods his head and returns his gaze to the lake. “When you’re ready to head out, just let me know. No rush.”
I wish I knew what he was thinking. My thoughts are all over the place and I wish there was something in my life that I could control. Being here on this beach with him feels familiar and comforting, and I recognize now that I want that feeling to stick for a while.
“What happens after all of this?” I ask quietly, not sure if he even hears me.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you want to be there with me while I go through all of this, and I appreciate it, but nothing’s changed over the course of a weekend. So what happens next? Do we try to find some way to be friends again?”
“You might not think things have changed, but they have. I mean, look at us we’re speaking. That’s something, and despite everything, we are friends. I never stopped thinking about you, or hoping the best for you.”
I wish I could gather the courage to say something, to tell him how much I’ve missed him. How much that night meant to me. I wish I could tell him that being with him now, I still feel about him the way I did in college. I would sound like an insane person if I just blurted all of that out to him, because even in my head it sounds crazy. Aside from his momentary lapses when we went zip lining, everything this weekend has been a strange dance between us, finding our way back to our friendship from so long ago, and like I said, I need friends right now. With that in mind, I start to gather myself up from the rocks.
“Cass...” he starts.
“I guess I’m ready,” I say at the same time, as I start to dust my hands off. I pause, realizing he was speaking as well, but he starts to stand up and shake the dirt from his pants. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It was nothing,” he shrugs, “I was going to say we might want to head out soon, beat the afternoon Houston traffic. You know what a bitch it can be.”
I know that wasn’t what he was going to say, but the moment is effectively ruined, so I don’t press. I’m about to spend four hours with Drew in a confined space, and I’m sure we’ll spend most of it in light conversation or fighting over the radio, so I just let it go.
Carrying the Load
When Drew dropped me off at my condo, I had invited him in and given him a tour. Even though we both live in Houston, it’s not that shocking that we’ve never run into each other around town, especially since he pretty much lives on the other side of the world where the city is concerned. I ordered in some food while we relaxed and talked about the weekend and my impending chemotherapy. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve been too scared to look into it to see what all the procedure entails, and even more so that I didn’t ask my doctor.
“Maybe you should give you doctor a call, ask your questions,” he suggests, no doubt curious why I haven’t done just that.
“I honestly don’t even know where to start,” I say as I get up to grab all the literature the doctor sent me home with last week. I give him the handful of documents and watch as he begins to understand. “That right there,” I nod to his hand, “is all very overwhelming to look at, and quite frankly, I haven’t been in the best mindset to look at all of it without having a breakdown.” I sit next to him as he thumbs through the same papers I’ve perused numerous times.
“Why don’t we look at it together then,” he suggests grabbing the first pamphlet. “Grab a pen and paper, that way if you think of a question, you can write it down to ask the doc.” Somehow, looking over all of this with him is less daunting, and just like that, I feel that I have my old friend back. It’s a wonderful feeling because he always had a way of making me feel safe. There are some things he could save me from, unfortunately, this isn’t one of them, but knowing he’s in my corner actually helps.
“It says in this one that you should have a support team of family or friends,” he says in an even tone before looking over at me.
“I’ve got that covered,” I offer him a small smile, “mom and dad should be here tomorrow, but they’ll just stay for a few days after my first treatment. Nev said she would take me to my appointments, so long as I give her a few days notice.”
“Do you know if you’ll have to do chemo or radiation?”
“Actually, they want to start with chemotherapy to shrink the tumor so that, hopefully, it will be small enough to do a lumpectomy.”
He’s quiet. A little too quiet and I’m not sure he’s heard me because he’s looking at the papers in his hand, practically staring a hole into them. He won’t look at me, but he still speaks up, “I’m sorry this is happening to you.”
“If it wasn’t this, it would be something else,” I say straight-faced, even though I’m pretty sure that whatever it is I’m referring to wouldn’t be this bad.
“How are you making jokes right now?”
“What else am I going to do? Cry? I’ve done that. Scream? Done that too. Throw crap around? You get my point? I’ve done it all. I’m not happy about this, I’m scared to death,” I laugh at my choice of words, but he just frowns. “Drew, I have to find the humor in this because if I don’t, I’m going to get depressed, and that’s really not going to help me.”
He takes a deep breath and wraps an arm round my shoulder and l lean in and let him hold me. “You’re pretty amazing,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. “Promise me something?”
“I’ll try.”
“That you’ll call me, if Nev can’t be there, or you just want me there with you, will you call me?”
I’m relieved that he offered, because I was about to break down and beg him to stick around, but I do my best to play it off. “Yes. I promise.”
***
I had tried to go out for a run this morning, but it was too hot to attempt in the heat, that’s better left for five in the morning, not nine. I don’t think I even made it a mile before I threw in the towel and made it home, besides I felt too defeated anyway. When I make it back inside, I turn the water on to take a shower, making it as hot as I can handle. It doesn’t make sense to do so with the heat as stifling as it is but I allow the steam to fill the bathroom. It’s slightly suffocating.
I wipe off the mirror so I can see my naked reflection. I never realized how much I’ve taken my appearance for granted, I don’t have the body of a model or anything like that, but I’ve been pretty blessed. But now when I look at myself, I can’t help but wonder what happens if the chemo doesn’t work? What if the cancer spreads or they have to do a mastectomy? I hate the idea of what may happen to my body and I begin to panic. I wish I could stop this feeling inside me because I’m finding it harder and harder to fight the tears. I wish I could flee back to the house in Canyon Lake to stay distracted for a little longer. The only thought that consumes me now is my looming appointment tomorrow. I sink to the small rug that lays over the bathroom tile and bury my head in my knees and begin to sob, but on the counter my phone starts playing a familiar ringtone.
“Hey,” I say, when I see that it’s Drew calling.
“Hey yourself. You okay?” he says in what’s become his typical greeting for me. “I was just calling to see if you had lunch plans today? I have a client in your area and I should be done around eleven thirty, so I could stop by and pick you up if you want to get out for a while.”
I’m beyond thankful, because there is nothing that I want more than to push it back from my thoughts a little longer, but I don’t tell him that. “Oh- a client, huh?” I tease, “Why don’t you just admit you wanted to see me?”
“Tell yourself whatever you like,” he returns quickly. �
��I think you’re the one who’s excited.”
“Whatever,” wow, that’s a great rebut, “I think I can do lunch.” I try for nonchalance, but I don’t think I’m pulling it off too well.
“If you have other plans I don’t want to keep you, I just figured I’d check.”
“No, really,” I say with a little too much excitement, “It sounds good, I’ll see you then.”
When he arrives to pick me up, he seems a little tense, which causes me to be a little guarded myself. I hope he doesn’t feel obligated to check in with me and that he’s not taking me to lunch out of some misplaced guilt. He opens the passenger door of his truck for me to climb in, and I momentarily consider bailing out, until he speaks, “Sorry I’m late, I drove around the block a couple of times.”
“Why is that?” I ask before he shuts the door and rounds the front of the truck. He seems almost pained as he climbs in.
“I was on the phone with my mom,” he says flatly. “She says hi, by the way.”
“Is everything okay with your dad?” I hear the concern in my voice and it’s apparent that he does too.
“It’s nothing like that, dad’s fine,” his voice trails off as he backs out of my driveway. We ride in silence for a few minutes and I just go with it. “I told my mom about your cancer. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all,” is all I can say. Before long, most people will know about it, and Drew was always close with his family. I’m just not sure what his mom thinks of me after everything that happened with us. I wonder if she knows what happened between us.
“She told me to let you know you’re in her prayers,” I can’t say anything to that, so give the best smile I can and nod my understanding. “I also told her about this past weekend.”
“So what did you tell her?” I start to rattle off a list of offenses from the weekend, “that you stalked me, and my best friend lied to me and conspired against me for who knows how long or that you kissed me? Twice.” I lean back in my seat and raise an eyebrow, prompting him to respond.