by T. K. Rapp
“Drew,” I have a hard time finding the words to articulate how beautiful everything looks. “You really have an amazing gift. You designed and commissioned this entire garden?”
“This is the biggest project I’ve take on since I started. The crew just finished this afternoon and I wanted you to see it completed.”
At the end of the path is an ornate, lighted water fountain where a note waits on a bench that sits in front of it. As we reach the center, I can’t take my eyes off the lit rose bushes that line the outer edge and the twinkling lights wrapped around the old oak trees. It all seems like something out of a fairytale and I have to suppress the urge to laugh. I would never tell Drew how cheesy it all appears, because he’s so proud of himself, besides, I have to admit it is breathtaking.
“This is for you,” he says as he hands me the note that was waiting at the fountain.
“Do I read it now or later?”
He smiles at me as he takes it back because he knows how uncomfortable things like that made me. “You can read it later.”
“What’s over there?” I ask him trying to peak over his shoulder. He takes my hand and leads me to a small table with nothing but junk food on it. “What is all of this?”
“I know you haven’t had much of an appetite lately, so I got your favorites hoping that you might eat a little something.”
“Why did you do all of this?”
“Because I wanted you to get out for bit and have some fun. I thought the fresh air might do some good.”
“Well, the only thing that would make it better would be music to dance to,” I tease him. But to my surprise, he even has that. It’s just a speaker, but he pops his iPod in and chooses a song I recognize right away.
We walks over to me slowly and smiles, “Dance with me.” It’s not a question, especially since he is playing our song. At least, I always thought of it as our song, I just didn’t know that he did too. He pulls me into his arms and we start moving to the James Morrison song and I remain quiet listening to the words.
“I love this song,” I tell him.
“I know. This is the song we danced to the first time. Do you remember that?”
I push myself away just a little so that I can see his face. “Of course I remember,” and a painful memory comes to mind, “that’s the night you told me you loved me.”
“No, that’s the night I told you I was in love with you. I’ve loved you for a long time.”
“And now?”
“Now? I love you more than I thought possible.”
“Me too,” I say placing my head against his chest. “Drew, I feel lightheaded.”
“Yeah, I have that affect on women,” he teases just before my body gives out on me.
“Cass, are you okay,” he asks cradling me in his arms. “Oh my god, you’re burning up! Cass!”
It’s the last thing I hear before darkness settles over me.
Strength in Numbers
My eyes feel so heavy, and the bright light overhead doesn’t make it any easier to open them. I don’t even remember going to bed last night. Where is Drew? I try to sit up, but lay back down when I feel something coming out of my nose and something else in my arm. I’m trying not to panic, but I don’t know where I am. I close my eyes and try to calm my nerves, but there’s a constant beeping sound that breaks my concentration. I move my free hand up to my face and feel the tube that’s in my nostrils and I feel a tear run out of my eye.
I’m in the hospital.
The door swings open and a woman in scrubs walks into the room and checks the machine that is making the noise behind me. I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but I already hate that sound.
“Where am I?” I ask so quiet, that I barely hear myself, so I repeat the question.
“You’re at St. Joe’s,” she says as she walks over to me. “Do you remember what happened last night?”
I close my eyes and think before answering her, “I wasn’t feeling well the last few days…I just figured it was a side effect of the chemo.”
“Your boyfriend brought you in last night because you collapsed, you had a high fever. Had he not brought you in when he did, you may have been in worse shape.”
“Is he here?”
“He’s been here with you during visiting hours,” she says with a smile. “I’ll let him know you’re awake, he’s been waiting to see you. But, he can’t stay for long, you need your rest.”
“What's wrong with me?” I ask her, desperate for answers.
“You have pneumonia, which is why you're getting oxygen,” she pats my hand reassuringly and finishes, “I'll find your doctor, but you need to try to get some sleep.” I close my eyes and nod and hear the door close behind her when she leaves the room.
I must have fallen back asleep, because I didn’t even hear Drew come into the room. He’s sitting in a chair that he dragged next to the hospital bed and is holding my free hand in his, rubbing his hand over the top of my hand.
“Hey,” I say weakened as I try to smile.
“Cass,” he breathes out in relief, as he stands to look down at my face. “Thank God! I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have dragged you out last night.”
“It’s not your fault,” I admit. “I wasn’t feeling well the day before, but I didn’t say anything.” I was trying so hard to convince him I was fine so that he would leave, that I guess I convinced myself as well. “I’m sorry I ruined our date.” He scoffs and shakes his head before answering me.
“You didn’t ruin it. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” He kisses my hand and squeezes it gently, “I want to stay longer, but Nevaeh will kill me if we get kicked out of here before she gets to see you.” I smile and immediately a surge of concern overcomes me, but he just gives my hand a reassuring squeeze, “Your parents should be here in a couple of hours. They’re pretty worried. As soon as they land, they’re supposed to call, but I’ll be sure to let them know that you’re okay.” How did he know that I was worried about that? I don’t bother to ask, and instead just smile and thank him. He stands up and kisses my forehead before walking to the door and holding it open for Nev. He gives me one last look over his shoulder before shutting the door behind him, leaving me staring at the ghost he left behind. I'd probably still be staring if it weren't for the sniffles I hear that bring my eyes to look at Nevaeh.
“Nev? Are you crying?” I ask with curiosity. She never cries, but I think I have seen more tears in the last month from this girl than I have in the nine years we have been friends. I don’t like it; it’s out of character for her.
She wipes her eyes and smiles her best fake smile. “No, I’m fine. You just had me worried.” She knows I’m not buying it, but neither of us will say anything to the contrary. She shakes her head in an effort to calm herself, “You scared Drew to death, you know?”
“I scared me too,” I confess. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t feeling well yesterday, I thought it would pass,” I tell her because it didn’t seem too bad at the time. “How’s he doing right now?”
“You’re insane, you know that? You’re the one in the hospital bed, but you’re worried about him,” she rolls her eyes at me dramatically. “He’s a mess. He called your parents and called Luke to let us know what was going on. He’s holding it together, but he’s a mess,” she repeats again for added emphasis. She just smiles at me, tears still in her eyes, so I close mine and fall back asleep, because I don’t want to see the fear in her eyes. Unfortunately, the sleep only lasts a moment when I hear a loud thud outside of my room, followed by Nevaeh rushing back into my room to sit with me.
“What in the hell was that?” I ask her, looking at the wall behind her. She shrugs he shoulders and looks sheepish before exhaling an annoyed breath.
“It's nothing really,” she starts, “Drew just threw a fit like a stupid boy.”
“What?” I ask, trying to sit up, only to realize I'm still hooked up to too many wires to move much. “What's going on?”
“He's just mad at himself. He feels helpless, and no matter what Luke or I tell him, he's beating himself up over the fact that you're in this bed.”
“That is stupid,” I tell her, yawning my response.
“I'm gonna go check on him, but I'll be back in a little, okay?” I never answer because I am able to fall back asleep pretty easily.
My dreams are crazy; well, at least I think they are. I keep waking up, only able to remember that whatever it was that woke me was something weird. Something tells me that I should try to remember them, but I’m not worried about it right now, because when I wake up, I’m alone in the freezing hospital room. I wish my mom and dad were here with me, but I also hate the idea of ruining their trip because they were looking forward it, even if Drew did have to convince them to go.
Being alone, I’m able to have that moment, the one where I get to cry. It’s not a breakdown, and it’s not even messy. It’s quiet and private and it’s all mine. My fear is that I’ve just found Drew and we’re not going to have time together because of the cancer or whatever other obstacles come into our way. I’m aware of the tears that stain my face as the memories of the numerous times I have ever spent with him enter my head. He always made me laugh and pushed me to try more than I thought I was capable of. I don’t want to make it through all of this crap I’m going through for him, I want to for us. I know that after it’s all said and done, things with us could still end badly, because we are both stubborn people. We may find that we were never a good match or anything more than friends, but I want to experience that for myself. Then I won’t have to look back and wonder what if.
With my new outlook on the crappy hand I have been dealt, I dab my eyes to remove any evidence of tears and resolve to fight like hell to get through all of it. The room is eerily quiet, except for the beeping monitors, so when the door opens, my eyes immediately fly in that direction to see my mom looking overwrought, with my dad holding her shoulders attempting to steady her. I am so tired but I want to talk with them and offer reassurance.
“Hi mom,” my small voice ekes out. She puts her face to her hands and sobs. “Don’t cry. Seriously, I think it looks worse than it is.” I don’t know if that’s true, but it sounds like a plausible statement.
“Hey sweetie,” she says, wiping her eyes as she and dad walk to my bedside. “Sorry it took us so long to get here.”
“I’m glad you’re here, but y’all didn’t need to come home,” I reach out to hold her hand and give it a squeeze.
“There is no way we wouldn’t be here,” my dad speaks up sounding determined. “I’m just glad that Drew called when he did because we were able to get a flight booked and checked out of the hotel in record time,” he attempts a smile, but it breaks quickly when he starts crying like a baby.
There it is. It was just a matter of time; he could only contain that stoic facade for so long and seeing him like this makes me smile, because this is the dad I know and love. Mom reaches over and gives him a comforting pat before turning back to me, “You scared all of us baby girl. Don’t do that again.” She leans over and kisses my head like she used to when I was a kid and it makes me feel just as comforted as it did then.
Dad looks from mom to me, “You look tired, why don’t you get some rest and we’ll talk to the doctor and find the others.” I nod as mom reaches over to adjust the blankets and touch my face once more before they leave the room. As much as I appreciate them being here, I hate seeing the worry on their faces.
Each time I find the strength to open my eyes, it seems that someone else has returned to my room, and when I’m able to stay awake I see that my misfit family is all present and accounted for. Drew is off in the corner watching me as though I’m going to break at anytime, while Nevaeh sits in Luke’s lap talking to my mom and dad. Whatever is being discussed seems of unimportance and it’s clear that Drew just wants to be alone. I hate seeing him so withdrawn when he’s usually the center of attention. When he catches me with my eyes open, he pushes himself off the wall, no doubt trying to determine if he should approach me, so I look at him and wave him over, instantly feeling better just seeing his hesitant smile.
“Why are you moping? I’m the one stuck in this bed,” I remind him when he’s close enough to hear me.
“I’m not moping, I’m just, thinking,” he says mysteriously, choosing not to elaborate.
“Are you going to tell me what you’re thinking about?”
“I can’t tell you right now,” he says, moving his eyes in the directions of our now aware audience.
“Oh don’t stop on our account,” Luke teases him. “We all want to know what you’re thinking about.”
I start to laugh, but end up coughing, alarming everyone in the room. Drew pours a cup of water for me to sip to calm the attack. I catch my breath and relax back into my bed. Thankfully, Dr. Farray enters the room before anymore of a fuss is made and effectively renders everyone quiet. “I see we have your cheering section represented,” she jokes as everyone looks at each other, no doubt curious as to why she isn’t more bothered by my little spell. She just walks in and looks at her captive audience before speaking, “I wanted to stop by and update everyone as to what’s going on. Cassi has been receiving antibiotics and oxygen for the pneumonia, and her fever has come down, which is a good sign. We’ll know more when we do another chest x-ray in the morning.”
“What does all of this mean?” My mom stands to listen and gather as much information as possible. “What caused this?”
“As I mentioned to Cassi when we started treatment, there are risks with every procedure and treatment option for this type of cancer, and while we don’t anticipate them, they sometimes happen anyway. Unfortunately, Cassi is experiencing one of these side effects. The chemotherapy is attacking the cancer, but it also weakens her immune system. However, she got to the ER fast enough, and treatment was started immediately.”
To my surprise, my dad speaks up, “When can she go home?”
“I would like to keep her here for a couple of more days, just to make sure that everything is okay. Assuming there is no spike in her fever and the overall symptoms disappear, she can probably go home by Friday.” She looks at everyone before directing her question to me, “Do you have any other questions?” I just shake my head in response. “Okay then, I’ll come back and check on you in the morning. In the meantime, she does need her rest, but you can come back first thing in the morning.” And with that, she effectively dismisses my group, and I’m a little grateful that she does. Everyone sighs a collective breath when she leaves the room. Luke and Nevaeh are the first to follow her lead promising to come back in the morning. I'm sure they need to get some work done, hell… I have no idea how long they’ve even been here so I’m happy that someone is trying to get back to a normal routine.
Drew, however, has not let go of my hand since Dr. Farray came in. He would probably climb into this bed if they let him. Instead, he lifts my hand to his face, “I’m going to take your parents back to your place to get settled in, but I’ll come back.” He cocks his head to the side and takes a seat next to me, “Do you want them to bring anything back for you?"
"Why don't you just stay at my place tonight, and you can bring them back tomorrow morning," I know he wants to stay with me, but it's not like they're going to let him anyway. I give his face a once over, "Besides, you look like hell." He scratches his stubble that has taken up residence on his face. Hell, he’s still dressed in what he was wearing for our date.
It's actually kind of damn sexy, but I can't think about that right now.
"Yeah, I feel like it too, but I'm not going anywhere.” He lifts his knee on my bed, making it clear he plans on camping out. I need him to go with them; he needs to get out of here for a bit.
“Just go with them, I'm just gonna try to sleep anyway, and that would be like watching paint dry. I mean, for you.”
He starts to tell me no and I give him my most pathetic face, which is p
robably no different than the one I’ve been sporting since I was admitted, "You know, there are a few things I'd like from home if you can get them for me."
“Fine, but if I'm going with them, they're either coming back with me right away in the morning, or I'm calling a cab.”
“Thank you,” I say, blowing an air kiss to him. He just raises an eyebrow because we both know that if I were not in this bed, he would tease me for being a dork.
“So what do you need from your place?”
“I have a book in the bottom drawer next to my bed that I'd like to read, since I'm just laying here doing nothing. I tried reading it a few months ago, but I was too busy,” I pause trying to remember what else I want. “Oh! And can you get my pillow. I need my pillow, this one sucks.” I limply pat my hand at the stiff pillow beneath my head to make my point.
“Okay, is that all?” I look at him and realize he is writing my demands on his hand. This guy is pretty great.
“One more thing, can you find me something comfy to wear? Hospital chic isn't exactly my thing.”
“Alright. I'll be back first thing,” he says before he kisses my forehead. He moves his face to my ear, “I love you.”
I just smile, because those three amazing words, coming from him, mean everything to me.
Secrets & Pain
The doctors have told me that we are pushing back my next treatment by a week or so, to make sure that I don't have any other complications. So far, this morning, I'm feeling significantly better, but I'd be much happier at home. During my treatments, or when I’m resting at home, at least I feel like myself, and I have everything I need at my disposal. Here I have nothing, and the realization is overwhelming in more ways than one. I have every belief that I’m going to beat all of it, but right now, my doubts and fears are taking hold. I’m giving myself permission to wallow in it because if I don’t give in and feel the despair that lurks beneath the surface, I might drown. My head is swimming with all the possible scenarios of how this ends up, but I have to snap myself out of it because Drew should be coming in with my parents soon, along with all of the things I asked him to bring to me.