Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice

by Robert J Rubel PhD

  Robert J. Rubel, PhD

  This book is dedicated to all of you who have the personal courage to explore this form of structured relationship. My hat is off to you. This is a path populated with unusual people. This is a path for those who walk down The Road Not Taken. This is a path for those who are willing not to lead a life of moderation, but are willing to challenge some long-held and culture-based assumptions about relationships between consenting adults. This is a path for those who are highly self-directed and who are capable of determining and acting upon their personal vision of their own relationship with their own partner.

  Bob Rubel

  Austin, Texas

  2006

  The Road Not Taken

  Robert Frost

  A number of Masters have influenced me in profound ways as I have been on my Journey of Mastery. In alphabetical order, those who have had most influence are:

  • Master Skip Chasey, a man of peace and calm, spirituality and centeredness, who inspires all who come into his presence.

  • Master Bert Cutler, International Master 2003, who exudes sagacity and warmth and knows how to give advice and counsel in ways that it can be accepted and used.

  • Master Jim Glass, International Master 2001, who serves as a model for what is possible if you set your goals high enough.

  • Master Jack McGeorge, Northeast Master 2005, who is the only Master that I know of who has a more detailed Manual of Protocol than I do.

  • Master Steve Sampson, International Master 2000, who puts heart and soul into everything he touches, and in return, is enveloped in love and adoration.

  • Sir Stephen Siegel, International Master 2005, who demonstrates so well how one can create one's own Lifestyle - that one can be Leather and run a Victorian Household.

  • Master Robert Steele, a Master who needs no titles, a good friend and close counselor who constantly nudges me back onto the Correct Path in life.

  • Master (the Good Officer) Wes who - with overarching good spirit and love - thinks deeply and writes eloquently about Things Leather that matter in the world.

  • Master Z (Dallas), International Master 2004, whose boundless enthusiasm for life, plus his commitment to the Leather Tribe, serves as a model to those of us he touches.

  I certainly acknowledge Brenna, my companion since March 2002, who has been at times my Master, my partner and my lover, and who remains a deep and close friend - we just haven't quite figured out the relationship structure. Thank you for editing this book - among all the others. Thank you for staying with me. You make me a better person, in general, and a better writer, in particular.

  Thanks, too, to slave mindi, who lights up any room she enters, and who orders my world so I no longer have to think about it. She has indeed mastered service in the spirit of sprezzatura - effortless technique. And she's mastered the art of living with me, no mean feat, that.

  And thanks to obsidian, who is a daily reminder of how important it is to live fully in a structured relationship and how much this kind of relationship differs from the world of Vanillas. To watch obsidian interact within our Family demonstrates the elegance of a dance well learned.

  Now - a special note of deep gratitude and appreciation for my close friend Jay Wiseman, who in addition to writing the foreword to this book, anguished many hours over the text and made the final content edit. The book has been greatly enhanced by his effort.

  We live in a time of both great and exciting changes in personal relationships. Given the current cultural freedom to choose the types of relationship structures and agreements that work best specifically for them, more and more people are experimenting with highly alternative relationship structures. For example, we see the prominent rise of gay marriage. We also see more and more consensually non-monogamous married people who are quite happy about their arrangement and whose marriage seems to be at least as stable as those in 100% monogamous marriages. Further, we see more and more people choosing to live in expanded family "group marriage" types of relationships.

  While many people choose to enter into newer forms of relationships that offer greater freedom and equality than was true of more traditional relationship formats, others are - to the surprise of many onlookers - willfully, mindfully, and freely choosing to enter into intimate personal relationships that offer them less equality and freedom. The people making this choice seem to be completely reasonable, normal, and mentally healthy people, yet they intentionally enter into relationships that offer them less freedom than they otherwise could have. What's going on? Possibly something very important. Possibly something that addresses some very core needs of some people.

  It's not a new observation to point out that even in many of the most traditional and conventional intimate personal relationships, there is frequently one "dominant" partner and one "submissive" partner. Sometimes this is expressed in very subtle ways, and sometimes this is expressed in more obvious ways, but it's generally the case that this dominant/submissive aspect to the relationship is relatively implicit.

  By contrast, within the BDSM/Leather community, every year more and more couples (and larger intimate personal groups) choose to live in ways in which the dominant/submissive aspect to the relationship is relatively explicit.

  Within the community, it's not particularly rare for one person to address a particular other person by a term such as "Master" or "Mistress." One frequently sees people who are wearing collars of leather, metal, or other materials around their neck, with these collars locked into place and the wearer not in possession of a key to that lock.

  While the meaning of wearing such a collar is open to discussion, it's frequently the case that the person within said collar considers themselves to be "owned" by another person, to one degree or another, and is more than happy about being considered the "property" of that other person. Indeed, for some people, being "owned" by another person is the deepest and happiest type of intimate personal relationship they can conceive of being in, and both satisfies them much more deeply and contributes to their personal growth more fully than more conventional "equal" relationships can.

  People known by terms such as "submissives" or "slaves" are frequently "trained" - sometimes to an elaborate and extensive degree - by someone known by terms such as their "owner" or "trainer" to speak, stand, sit, kneel, and act in certain highly specific and particular ways - sometimes accompanied by physical punishment, willingly and even gratefully accepted, for failure to adequately comply.

  People interested in explicitly hierarchal intimate personal relationships are even banding together in groups for socializing and mutual education. Indeed, one organization, called MAsT (Masters And slaves Together), has chapters in many major cities.

  Thus, while there has been growing interest in having this type of hierarchal intimate personal relationship, with thousands of new such relationships beginning every year, very little has been written in terms of both the theory and the "how to participate in" what are frequently called Master/slave (M/s) relationships. Into that gap has stepped my friend Robert Rubel, and this very valuable book.

  In many ways, this is a time of great pioneering in regards to M/s relationships. Robert does a very good job of outlining the overall landscape of much of this newly discovered territory. He provides the reader with a very good guide to the sometimes confusing terminology associated with M/s relationships. He then goes on to guide the reader through conducting a detailed personal inventory in terms of who they are and what types of relationship they are seeking. Robert provides a good outline of the elements of an M/s relationship, including some
very important observations on romantic love.

  Robert addresses "household" protocols and how the "leather family" might behave, both toward each other and toward the outside world, including agreements and commitments. He also covers methods for resolving problems in a constructive, mutually respectful manner, and he provides excellent material on communications skills.

  The book includes essential information about how to intelligently search for a "master" or "slave" and what to do if you think you might have met one that seems right for you. Issues surrounding negotiation and other aspects of the early stage of an M/s relationship are covered in detail. This is followed by a careful and thoughtful discussion of contracts, collars, and related issues.

  Finally, the book concludes with excellent material on maintaining both the relationship and the people within it, and some good basic safety information.

  This is an important, thoughtful, and useful book. While it is necessarily written from the point of view of how one particular man goes about it, Robert's experience, thoughtfulness, and "time in grade" regarding being in actual, real-world M/s relationships clearly comes through. This is far from being some unrealistic, unworkable, cyber-fantasy.

  Robert's background as a successful business executive shines through, and his approach to running a successful M/s relationship in ways similar to that of how a successful business is run is highly useful. Also, his very high degree of personal integrity and his unfailing concern for the well-being of those under him are beyond obvious. Wannabe cult leaders or others looking to "brainwash" people into following them in a non-thinking way will find no help here. By contrast, those seeking to enter into healthy M/s relationships in the non-dominant role will be very helpfully educated in how to spot malicious, manipulative wannabe "masters" simply because such people, while perhaps superficially charming, will never show anywhere near the genuine concern for the non-dominant's well-being and personal growth that Robert always shows.

  As I mentioned, in many ways this book necessarily must be a very personal one, and I'm sure that some readers will not agree with some of Robert's statements and/or with some of his approaches. That's all right. Reasonable minds can differ. That said, his understanding of the fundamental principles and approaches is both realistic and very useful, and both his compassion and his humanity are clear.

  This is a very good man, and he's written a very good book. I'm very proud to call him a friend, and I'm very happy to recommend this book as an important, useful, and usable guide to this still largely unexplored, but very important, area of human relationships.

  Let the pioneering continue.

  Jay Wiseman, JD Author, "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction"

  Robert J. Rubel, PhD

  Introduction 7

  Part I: 11 Common Terms and Understandings

  Part II: 21 Self Examination

  Part III: 47 Grappling with Elements of the Relationship

  Part IV: 69 The Framework of the Relationship - Your Leather House

  Part V: 83 Finding a slave

  Part VI: 95 Beginning a Relationship

  Part VII: 117 Contracts and Collars

  Part VIII: 147 Maintaining a Relationship

  Part IX: 163 How's it Going?

  Epilogue 173

  Appendix A: 175 Safe Call

  Appendix B: 179 Master/slave Conferences

  About the Author 183

  "i believe that Masters and slaves are people who are willing to commit themselves to living in a way that is radically different from what our society teaches is right and appropriate. As people who choose to live in consensual Master/slave relationships, we defy some of the beliefs our society holds most dear: the belief that independence is the key to happiness and that the desire to control another person is the heart of abuse. It takes tremendous commitment to follow a path that at best is likely to be misunderstood by those around you."

  slave marsha, Keynote address, Southwest Leather Conference, December 5, 2003

  Have you ever considered that a modern-day Master/slave relationship closely mirrors a traditional marriage of 100-2000 years ago? Have you ever considered that those who now seek a highly structured pairing may be longing for a marriage model from antiquity? If you will grant me this possibility, then this is a book that updates the way one goes about customizing the design of a 21St century relationship that models a 15th (or 19th or 9th) century marriage - with a few twists.

  After all, we're also kinky.

  This book is for Masters - and also for their slaves. This book is for established Masters or slaves who are curious about what someone could possibly write on the subject they know so well.

  This book is also for those relatively new to the BDSM Lifestyle, who are finding themselves called to this form of structured relationship, and also for those who are curious about the M/s Lifestyle and are looking for in-depth information.

  When you start exploring Master/slave (M/s) relationships, you start discovering a few truths. First, they are usually considered extremely radical/unusual. Second, they are often held up as the be-all and end-all of BDSM relationship structures. Third, you hear that they usually don't last very long.

  Let me land on that last point for a moment. Have you ever wondered why so few Master/slave relationships last a long time? The Good Officer Wes created a list one time (http://www. westom.com/leather/longevity.htm). He observed that some of the more common reasons that relationships fail:

  • Boredom

  • Mismatch between Master and slave

  • Lack of leadership on the Master's part

  • Lack of focus on the slave's part

  • Laziness

  • Breach of trust

  • Abuse

  • Flavor of the month - endless supply of slaves

  • Mistaking extended role-play for reality Mastery/slavery

  • Lofty goals with no plans to reach them.

  He went on to comment about how to keep M/s relationships healthy. His list included these suggestions:

  • Provide a clear relationship structure

  • Use protocols

  • Acknowledge good service

  0 Affirm your relationship

  • Celebrate successes

  This is a nice way to begin this book, for it presents a good capsule summary.

  Why Have You Bought This Book?

  Want a slave? Have a slave? Those who want a slave, why would you want this? In my experience, it's a lot of work - much of it focusing on YOU as the Master, for it may require you to obtain more skills.

  Do you have a purpose in reading this book? Are you looking for some answer? What would that be? I only ask so you will know it when you find it - if you find it.

  My approach to this field can be summarized in the box, below.

  When you don't know what to do, do it slowly.

  Jim Hayhurst, Sr.

  Not only do it slowly, but do it thoroughly. This book contains a lot of detail; some sections assume that you are pretty well advanced in the BDSM Lifestyle. Let me mention at the outset that I strongly recommend that you read five books as companions to this book.

  • Baldwin, Guy. Slavecraft. Los Angeles, CA: Daedalus Publishing Company, 2002.

  • Baldwin, Guy. Ties that Bind. Los Angeles, CA: Daedalus Publishing Company, 1993.

  • Mager, Robert F., and Peter Pipe. Analyzing Performance Really You or Problems Oughta Wanna. Atlanta, GA: Center for Effective Performance, Inc., 1997.

  • Townsend, Larry. Leatherman's Handbook, Los Angeles, CA: L.T. Publications, 2000.

  • Rinella, Jack. Becoming a Slave. Chicago, IL: Rinella's Editorial Services, 2005.

  Ah, a Word of Warning...

  This is a book about "power exchange." Power exchange is the term that describes the condition wherein the submissive exchanges his/her authority to make decisions for the Dominant's agreement to take responsibility for his/her happiness and health.

  If your experience with pow
er exchange comes from the Internet - if you have not actually had a power exchange relationship before - this book probably needs to rest in your bookcase until you've built some real-life experience. Before you venture into the world of Master/slave (M/s) relationships, you may first wish to spend some time learning how to manage a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship. Second, real-life M/s unions feel very different from long-distance or Internet relationships.

  First, this material is NOT completely generalizable. In the same way that no two marriages are completely alike, no two approaches to living as a Master/slave couple are completely alike. However, while there are many ways to approach these structured relationships, the experiences of those who have gone before - those who actively live this lifestyle - can be instructive.

  So, let's start out by using some definations get ourselves on the same page. You don't have to agree with these, just consider them to be operational definitions for the purpose of making it through this book; as there are regional differences in Leather protocols, so there are regional differences in the meanings of some terms used in our subculture.

  Defining Some Key Terms

  This alphabetized list certainly won't include all the terms you'll come upon in our Lifestyle - just some of the broader concepts. Now, a person is not likely to be ONLY ONE of the following, but an amalgam of a little bit of trainer and a little bit of Dom and a little bit of Master and a little bit of a Daddy. Because each person is a little bit different, each person has to make their own path when starting or maintaining a Master/slave relationship.

  boy or boi: Again, turning to Officer Wes: "leather boy - a submissive man wanting a Leather Daddy father figure. The word `boy' in this sense has nothing to do with biological age. It is a mindset." He goes on to provide his definition of "boy mindset" as: "i want to trust my Daddy a whole lot, but there are certain things that will always be off-limits. There are some limits i will never be willing to negotiate." A "boi" is a female boy.