Daddy: Officer Wes defines a Leather Daddy as: "A dominant man into what's generally considered `kinky.' Likes being a father figure for his leather play buddy(ies)." A Daddy differs from a Master in that the Daddy offers a more nurturing and supportive model. A Daddy knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him.
Dom or Domme: A dominant person who takes control during specific (often negotiated) periods. That is why D/s relationships are often associated with BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-masochism) scening (a "scene" is an enounter that may or may not include sexual activity. It can take place in private or in a public BDSM party or club.)
Master (adj): A term often applied to a Leatherman who has earned such respect within the Community that other senior Leathermen refer to this person as Master (regardless of gender). This respect is generally granted after years of selfless contribution to the Leather Community as a whole.
Master (n): A man or woman who exerts near total control over another - often pursuant to a negotiated contract. One current hot topic is whether or not a person can be a Master unless he or she has a slave - someone who actually calls the person "Master." I'll sidestep that embroilment for the moment, please. The issue, here, is whether the person plays primarily in the world of authority exchange rather than in the world of power exchange. For our purposes, a Master takes authority over another either for a contracted period or permanently (more on this at a later point). A Master is a Dominant who could occasionally bottom to someone else - this could be his own slave. In this sense, the Master is referred to as versatile. The Master's primary responsibility is to do everything within his/her power to maximize the potential of his/her slave(s). This involves such things as:
• Maintaining and protecting the trust given to him/her by the slave's submission.
• Being clear about the terms and conditions of the slave's service, including restrictions on the slave's activities and Master's rights to use the slave.
• Ensuring the slave's physical, social, emotional, spiritual, and financial wellbeing.
• Providing whatever training, direction and guidance is necessary to develop the slave to his/her true potential.
• Establishing and maintaining effective lines of communication with the slave.
• Exercising care and sound judgment in the relationship, as the slave's condition and conduct reflects upon the Master and his/her House.
Owner: The term "Owner" is starting to be used to describe a permanent M/s relationship based on a simple exchange of profound vows. The Owner pledges to take care of all of the slave's needs and the slave pledges to obey and to serve his/her Owner. Period. Permanently. No contract.
Protocols: In the military sense - a directed series of steps to be followed in a given situation to create a defined, reproducible result. Protocols are used to create an effective governance structure in an M/s relationship.
Rituals: A preferred way doing something. For example, you may have a ritual of having cocktails before dinner in your living room while there is a fire burning in the fireplace. Within that ritual, you may have a dozen protocols that concern who sets the fireplace, how the appetizers and cocktails are prepared and served, and how the lights, candles, and music are all set up.
slave: A person who has transferred authority over him/ herself to another. (Officer Wes: "The submissive is a volunteer. The slave is not a volunteer." Officer Wes goes on to note that the slave's mindset would be as follows: "Once i have gained trust in my Master, i am willing to place anything under his control. Over time, i expect and hope that all limits will be negotiated away."
The slave is expected to understand the terms and conditions of his/her submission and the restrictions placed upon him/her. Generally, the slave's responsibilities include such things as:
• Ensuring complete support for Master and Master's Household, including acting to ensure Master's health and wellbeing.
• Appropriately communicating any change in the slave's physical, mental, spiritual, or financial state.
• Being open and honest with Master, discussing freely any issues, concerns, hopes, or fears.
• Being sensitive to the fact that all his/her actions or inactions reflect upon Master and his House.
• Understanding that the slave's primary purpose is the subjugation of his/her will to serve and to please Master. In that light, success not only depends upon how effectively service is rendered, but also the manner in which that service is rendered.
Structured relationship: A framework of systems or methods of accomplishing tasks that defines the authority dynamic of a particular Household.
submissive: A person who gives up personal power to another under certain negotiated terms and conditions. The Good Officer Wes explains: "The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person, which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range. For example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arenas. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements, etc., which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship."
Trainer: A Dominant who is primarily concerned about teaching systems that improve and refine a slave's skill set - such as puppy skills, pony skills or other pet skills.
Leather vs. Not-Leather
Before going any further, I'd like to set the stage for the balance of this book.
In a general way, the current and diverse "BDSM Community" has developed from two major paths. At the risk of oversimplifying these origins for the sake of brevity, the "Leather" path is an outgrowth of returning gay GIs from WWII, who often associated with motorcycle gangs in the 1950s and 1960s. They bring hierarchy, protocol and spirituality to their modern-day practices. The other BDSM path, a path that I'll refer to as "Not-Leather," evolved - at least in part - out of the swinging movement of the 1960s and even earlier. The Leather path has greater focus on obedience, spirituality, service and protocols, whereas the NotLeather path has its focus on amorous love.
For a definitive historical discussion of the origins of BDSM both in Europe and in the US, see Robert Bienvenu's doctoral dissertation. (www.americanfetish.net)
I'm mentioning these different paths because they carry some implications in relation to how Masters and slaves get together in this current age. Again, while there are no absolutes, there is a general tendency in the Leather community for a slave to petition a Master to be that Master's slave. In some cases, there is a tendency among Leather Masters to see it as their duty/obligation to accept such petitions and to "Master" the person - if the Master deems that person ready to be Mastered.
Again, while there are undoubtedly exceptions in the Not-Leather community, it's been my experience that Doms tend to be looking for submissives for play, and that over time, the D/s relationships sometimes drift into M/s relationships - often with little or no formality.
I'm not proposing that one approach is better than another. I'm only pointing out that there are two quite different starting points: a person petitioning to be a particular Master's slave versus a person seeking a submissive or slave.
Describing Some Relationships: husband/wife; Top/bottom; Dom/submissive; Master/slave; Owner/ slave
I'm about to wander into the realm of generalities. At least I let you know.
husband/wife: Generally, both partners have equal power and responsibilities; structured power exchange (or authority exchage) is not generally included in marital vows. In fact, it is unlikely that the average couple-on-the-street would have the faintest idea what you were talking about if you asked them about the role of power exchange in their marriage. In my personal opinion, this is one reason that marriage is so difficult. (I've been in two: each lasted about 17 years. I'm 61 as I'm writing this.)
Top/bottom: In B
DSM play, this describes who is doing what to whom and does not necessarily involve power exchange. It's just a description of the physical action. Usually the Top is the person performing the action, and the bottom is receiving the action. You can be a Top and be flogging someone, or you can be a bottom and enjoy a flogging. You can lead the action from the Top position - you can determine which flogger you use and how hard you flog your bottom - or you can lead the action from the bottom, telling your play partner (acting as the Top) to strike a little harder/softer or a little more to the right or left and to pay attention to the wrapping, please!!! Master Skip Chasey refers to Top/bottom play as "about the physical body." Master Steve Sampson thinks of it as "about the sexual self."
Dominant/submissive: For our purposes, this is the first level of relationship that involves power exchange. Consensus has it that D/s play is situational or time-limited. Often, D/s play negotiations involve discussions of likes, dislikes, and limits. There is one senior Dom in my community who won't play with a new play partner, even for a scene, unless the partner sits down for a formal scene negotiation leading to a scene-specific contract. In a general sense, D/s is about micromanagement. The submissive is not to do anything that the Dom/me doesn't direct. Master Skip refers to D/s play as "about the mental body." Master Steve looks at this play as about energy. Despite the conventional wisdom that D/s play is time-limited, I can easily imagine long-lasting relationships that have grown to incorporate negotiated D/s into a marriage or marriage-like relationship.
Master/slave: The M/s dynamic is generally considered the most extreme form of relationship. In this relationship, the slave has given Master complete authority over him/herself. Now: a caveat. Leather M/s relationships generally begin with a contract that includes paragraphs describing the scope and limits of the M/s dynamic. By that very act, the M/s dynamic is viewed by some as something less than a total commitment to the concept of M/s. This has given rise to a new relationship category - Owner/slave - discussed in the next section. Above, I've mentioned that D/s often involves micromanagement. In M/s, the object is that the slave gets to the point that micromanagement gives way to macro management. As the slave learns Master's habits, the slave becomes able to anticipate and move to meet Master's needs. The couple is increasingly blended into one being. Often, the M/s dynamic involves spiritual growth that is not common to relationships involving other power dynamics. Both Master Skip and Master Steve consider Master/slave relationships to be about the spiritual body. I know of a number of long-term marriages that incorporate an M/s structure, though these are quite rare.
...people who know and follow the path of Mastery or slavery are called. They believe they were called to follow a different path than the ones our society prescribes for us."
slave marsha, Keynote address, Southwest Leather Conference December 5, 2003.
Owner/slave: As Master Jim Glass points out: "With absolute ownership comes absolute responsibility." Over the last year or so, I've begun to notice increasing distinction made between Master/slave and Owner/slave. My first exposure to the concept occurred when SlaveMaster conducted an "Ownership" presentation at Master Taino's Northeast Master/slave Conference in Washington, D.C. in July, 2005. Since then, I've noticed that the term "Owner" is being applied to a relationship that is not based on a negotiated M/s contract. The total "contract" is comprised of the slave's pledge to obey and to serve Master and the Master's pledge to take complete responsibility for the slave (see the example provided in Part VII). That's it. Master simply owns this piece of property and its income producing capacity. The slave exchanges total personal authority for total A-Z protection, care, and emotional security.
Now, we've come to the end of this part of the book, but just so some readers don't feel left out, let me mention that I don't want to get into Trainers and puppies or ponies here. Nor do I want to start engaging discussions of swinging, polyamory or Gorean traditions. Combinations spin out of control too quickly.
So, to refocus - now that we've rolled through some forms of BDSM relationships, a question comes to mind: What are you looking for?
• An occasional slave for play or a permanent slave?
• A structured relationship or an amorphous one?
• A monogamous relationship or a polyamorous set of relationships? If poly, are you thinking of including other slaves or other play partners?
• Is your life to be centered on sadomasochism (SM - sadomasochism is sexual pleasure or gratification produced by inflicting pain - sadism - or by receiving pain - masochism) or something else?
Chapter Summary
In this chapter I defined terms so that you will have a common language for understanding the balance of this book. These terms included:
• boy/boi
0 Daddy
• Dom/Domme
• Master - both as an adjective and as a noun
• Owner
• Protocols
• Rituals
• slave
• Structured relationship
• submissive
• Trainer
I described some relationships:
• Husband/wife
• Top/bottom
0 Dom/submissive
• Master/slave
• Owner/slave
That's all we need to cover right now. Next, we'll start in on some self-examination before moving on to relationship issues.
What is your purpose in entering into a Master/slave relationship? I like Master Bert Cutler's statement of purpose: To achieve "an enduring relationship between a Master and slave who are worthy of each other." Master Bert goes on to comment that the assumption, here, is that the relationship would last more than two years. He also goes on to define "worthy" as: "Someone whose contribution to your life is commensurate with your efforts on their behalf; someone you are proud to call your Master or your slave; someone who strives to excel in their role." (Master Bert Cutler's Handout for presentation at Southwest Leather Conference 2005: Finding a Worthy Master or slave.)
This rasies the question: how do you find such a person - either Master or slave? THAT answer, to a large extent, centers on how clearly you can confront yourself about yourself and on how objectively you can evaluate the person you're considering as a Master or slave.
Who Are You?
What interpersonal, technical and life skills do you bring to the table?
Before I begin this section, a comment: I've heard people say that they've had (let us say) five years of experience at some skill, yet when you observe them at that skill, they don't appear to be very good at it. From this, I've learned to distinguish between someone who has had one year of experience that they repeated five times versus someone who has had five years of progressive experience leading to skill or knowledge mastery. I further draw the conclusion that some people are dead-set to learn little or nothing from life's experiences and will go out of their way to do so.
So, here are some tough questions - tough, in large part because few people spend the time to think them through before starting a new relationship or maintaining the one they're in. Starting right now and lasting throughout this book, I'm going to be putting forth questions designed to cause you to stop and think. And act. When possible, I'll provide tips and techniques and nudges, but you MAY have to seek out experts and courses to build your strength in certain fields.
"Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week."
G.B. Shaw
"Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few people engage in it."
Henry Ford
A Guide to Thinking:
• Think more slowly.
• Don't limit yourself to two alternatives.
• Don't confuse hindsight for insight.
• Think on paper.
• Don't set out to prove yourself right.
0 Do learn from
mistakes.
• Ask questions.
What are your skills and personality assessment scores? I'm an educational sociologist by training, but spent my career in business settings. My slave is an RN-paralegal. We are used to working differently. When we first came together as a Family there were some stress points. Given a task to look something up, my slave worked any problem to DEATH and created a paper trail of EVERYTHING done - reams of copies of Internet find ings, for example. In an effort to figure out how to approach her and how best to use her ample skills, I put us through a battery of tests. So, I pass this tip on to you: use some objective measures to figure out how YOU work and how your partner or prospective partner works.
• What's are the Meyers-Briggs scores for you and your partner? Have you studied how your type gets along with his/her type? (Hint: the personality test offered on alt.com is essentially a Meyers-Briggs and it enables you to compare YOUR test against any other member of alt.com. If you and your slave take their test, the resulting analysis and compatibility discussions can give you a good starting point.)
• How do you take in (process) information? There are a number of ways that you can think about the way you learn. One of the most common ways of cutting this topic describes three basic modalities in which we convert information to memory: visual (learning by seeing), auditory (learning by hearing), and kinesthetic (learning by doing). Most people use one predominant modality, but some use a balance between two or even all three. As it relates to M/s relations, not only must you be in touch with the way YOU learn, but also be sensitive to the ways your current or potential slave learns.
• What are your preferred working styles? Are you mostly a fact finder or are you mostly good at follow through? Are you a quick start or are you better as an implementor? We found that the Kolbe A test (http:// www.kolbe.com) was the single best test to reveal how each of us worked as individuals and what we had to know (and do) to improve our abilities to work together. Yes, there is a modest cost. YES, it's worth it.
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 2