The problem with resolving sexual compatibility issues is that we're not taught much about how to coach people in this arena. So, women fake orgasms and men resort to finding other ways of feeling fulfilled. For those of us who live in the world of BDSM play, issues of sexual compatibility become even more complicated. What if your slave needs to be spanked/caned/flogged to get warmed up before serious rough sex that involves face slapping, but your ideal evening consists of spending an hour or so tying up your slave in an elaborate shibari rope harness and then just sitting there watching him/her twist slowly from the suspension rig?
And what is "sex" for you, anyway? I have a friend for whom "sex" is fisting a woman without using lube. He loves to hear her scream. It turns him on, and it is an important part of their sexual dance; he claims that he prefers it to penile penetration. If I hadn't watched it, I wouldn't have believed it. My point, here, is that because we're kinky, we may have unusual sexual practices that require searching for that special someone, in order to get our needs fulfilled. And because of this, you have to decide whether your partner's "sexual preferences" fall into the "oh, I don't think so" category, or - being ever creative - you want to maintain the M/s relationship with this person, but bring in a third for some of the special sexual stuff.
What will you pay - in time and money - to make your relationship magical?
Okay, we've now explored questions about what you're looking for - in lifestyle and in the person - so, now it's time to ask how much are you willing to pay to get what you want? Don't for one minute think I'm speaking solely of what it's going to cost you to get your partner to operate in the fashion YOU wish - that's only half of it. It is very likely going to take time and money in order to add to your own personal skills and those of your mate. It takes a certain amount of anguish to move yourselves from being two individuals to being a team. One model to consider, here, would be Marine Boot Camp. Master may have to learn some serious personnel management techniques, but the slave not only has to master routine protocols (see either: Protocols: Handbook for the female slave or Protocol Theory slave: Leather the for Handbook and Practice by Robert J. Rubel, PhD), but also has to master immediate and graceful obedience to Master's commands. As we're not brought up in a culture where these behaviors are expected (think Oriental), this may take some patience over time.
Do you currently describe your life and your relationship(s) as magical? If not, you probably have not taken some quiet time to imagine a more romantic and exciting life. Chances are that you feel at the effect of having to work and live in a city in America, while being involved with your particular partner. What I mean by at the effect is that you are not at the cause: you have adjusted to the condition, rather than adjusting the condition to meet your needs.
This last point brings us back to the imagination issue raised in an earlier part of this book. You have to be able to conceive of something - you have to be able to write it out as a goal - in order to make it real. Many things first have to be thought out before they can be converted to reality. Said differently, if you don't hold the concept of something, it's hard to dream it up. There are many common examples of this when it comes to foreign languages. Many languages have some words that don't exist in other languages. Just to make the point, you've probably heard that some Eskimo languages have something like 60 terms describing various forms of snow and ice. In English, we sort-of have "slush, wet snow, snow, dry powder and ice." Those are about all we need in an industrialized nation. But, we'd be in trouble trying to understand an Eskimo's concern about the impending weather based on a discussion of the snow/ice conditions.
Similar blind spots creep into relationships. If you can't imagine a different set of conditions, then you can't work toward them. In my personal life, I have many times joined some group simply because it was against my nature to join such a group. I was in Rotary International for many years for that reason. I joined a square dance club - and lasted five years - for that reason. I will sometimes explore a new relationship with someone who does NOT fit my personal sense of a "good fit" for that reason.
So, my message is: work to stretch your experiences so that you can grow your imagination; the richer your imagination, the richer your life.
The danger lies in imprisoning ourselves within our definitions of experience.
David Boorstein, Librarian of Congress
I used the training contract time with my slave to consider one single question: does this person have the raw potential to become my model slave? My rather coarse expression for this - coined by my close friend Ruby Yaryan many years ago - is: You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, unless you start with a silk sow.
For me, the issues were these:
• Is the slave smart enough?
• Is the slave willing? (Hello, Master Steve Sampson)
• Will the slave obey?
• Is the kind of service the slave offers the kind of service that I want?
• Will the slave accept a polyamorous/swinging lifestyle on top of the M/s dynamic?
Once I had my answer, I made my own commitments:
• My slave moved in with me as soon as that was feasible;
• I supported a decision that my slave not work in order that she spend workdays gaining skills I wanted from my slave. (If you've read my Protocols book, you realize that my slave's role in my life is that of my Personal Assistant. Her duties include serving as my Major Domo, valet, butler, chef, chauffeur, secretary, nurse, and research assistant, as well as my courtesan.)
So, one of the threshold questions is this: Is your interest in an M/s structure a permanent lifestyle issue, or are you exploring M/s structures as a form of scene-specific BDSM play? What's your level of commitment?
Let me address this topic to two distinct audiences: those readers who are currently in an M/s relationship, and those who are reading this book and considering whether or not to enter into an M/s relationship.
If you are currently in an M/s relationship, the investment question probably centers on your mutual growth or on skills that your slave could attain that would benefit your relationship or please you as Master. This endless list could include topics such as:
• Learn something about investing. (real estate, stock market, etc.)
• Run a small business.
• Entertain more formally.
• Play sports of some kind.
• Learn massage therapy.
• Participate in international travel.
• Learn to dance.
• Attend self-improvement courses or focused businessskills courses (speaking, running a meeting, time management, personnel management).
• Improve cooking skills.
• Get certified in advanced first aid and CPR.
• Become a master at giving sexual pleasure - strengthen your pelvic floor muscles (either gender, actually), fellatio skills, etc.
• Prepare a "slave's Book" that records all Master's particular preferences - create checklists for all repeatable processes (packing before a trip, preparing for a dinner party, etc.).
Now, let me approach an answer for this section of the book for those of you who are exploring the idea of starting an M/s relationship. I'll assume that you've obtained this book because you think that a structured relationship makes sense for you. If you're at the front-end of a relationship, you have some time to consider some big picture issues. My strong recommendation is to write out - as clearly as possible - what you absolutely must have in a slave (or a Master). Write out those skills you want this person to possess - then look for a person with most or all of those skills already in hand. This is a far more rapid and less costly process than taking a person and retraining them in your image. Importantly, because of the authority exchange aspect of an M/s relationship, the slave is not in a very good position to retrain Master.
So, let's consider that you are exploring an M/s relationship. You're toying with the idea. But, you've run into a
problem. You've been looking for a slave (or a Master) for some time - perhaps years - and for some reason, you've not been able to make it work.
Hmmmmm.
This could be time for a little introspection. Perhaps you need to consider seriously examining yourself. You need to do this for yourself and not for some possible future partner. You'll have to make a list that is personally relevant, but for starters...
• How's your English - both oral and written? Would you be at home in a graduate-school discussion of some topic, or would you draw attention to yourself?
• How are your table manners? Know how to pick up a fork? Know how to pat (not wipe) your mouth with a napkin? Know not to open that napkin more than half way? Know where to place the napkin when you arise from Table?
• When you enter a room, do you take a moment to check it out? Do you immediately recognize whether or not the room's owner is highly visual? Are you able to make distinctions about the owner's social class and personal tastes from the room decorations? Why do this? So you can establish rapport during conversations.
• When you speak, is your voice gentle and pleasing? Do you have a nasal tonality? Have a regional dialect?
• If you hear something spoken, can you identify/isolate key issues and repeat them with accuracy?
• How's your wardrobe? Can you go shopping at Neiman Marcus and feel right at home?
• How flexible are you, psychologically - can you adapt quickly to changing circumstances, or do you freeze in the headlights? (I don't mean crises, I mean longwave life changes. Job retraining, for example.)
• How are you at conversational magic? Do you know enough about social intercourse not to speak only about yourself? Can you enthrall a slave candidate (or a Master candidate) for hours by asking leading questions? How broadly can you speak about current events?
• When you are out in public, how closely do you notice people? Do you notice their gestures, their expressions, their mannerisms? To monitor the slave, the Master must be an extremely keen observer.
• How much Leather history do you know? After all, this is a Leather lifestyle.
• How good are you at problem solving? Ever read any books about it? Same for branch thinking vs. linear thinking. Can you "think outside of the box" when solving problems?
• Do you watch TV? Consider limiting your viewing time and reading more books. Read widely and learn to discuss what you read. Consider joining a book club. Learn to prepare two and three course meals for yourself. It's a skill you may need later. Never dine informally when alone. Bad habit. No, I have not changed viewpoints; I'm still addressing Masters. This is all about building up the little personal habits - the "muscle memory" - to Master someone else.
• Are you an expert in some form of BDSM play? Okay, so master another form of BDSM play. And who, if I may be so bold, agrees with you that you ARE a Master at some form of BDSM? Does your local kink group ask you to do presentations?
• Do you have a spiritual core? How does your spirituality influence/affect/alter your life?
• Do you have good anger management? Are you carrying difficult baggage from your childhood or prior marriage? Have you considered seeing a therapist? Too expensive? Just how costly is it for you NOT to deal with your baggage?
• Learn to interrupt what you are doing, start something else, then come back to what you were doing. When you own a slave, you will need to be sensitive to managing that person's time. You should learn how it feels to be interrupted in the middle of a task that you are completing from a list of perhaps a dozen other tasks that all must be completed.
• Learn to do things completely and perfectly. After all, you are likely to demand that level of activity from your slave - so, be able to lead by example. If you are doing dinner dishes, end by scouring the counters and sinks. If you are making notes on how to do something, make the notes neat and put them in your protocol book. In this way, when you find your slave candidate, you can show this person your protocol book, based upon your own mastery of a skill set.
The greatest incentive for a Master to expand skills and experiences is that the new you will likely attract a more versatile slave.
Bob Rubel
I'll stop. I could go on, and so could you. This is really a small part of what you are going to have to put yourself through to reinvent yourself in the image you think your partner-to-be would be seeking.
What if it Doesn't Work?
I've put this section in this part of the book because it's part of knowing one's self.
You have to know when to hold `em, know when to fold `em, know when to walk away, know when to run...
Kenny Rogers, The Gambler
To quote Master Skip Chasey: "A Master is willing to bear, without complaint or self-pity, the awareness that doing his best may at times not be good enough." (Master Skip Chasey: The Qualities of a Master)
And, let me hasten to add: when a relationship doesn't work out in an M/s structure, one option is to change the structure! After all, you must have felt something substantial to have offered (or accepted) the training contract in the first place. Build on the common elements, rather than dismiss the entire relationship. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Personally, I have had the experience of extending a three-month training contract to a potential slave, only to discover, at about the 60-day point, that the person did not have a slave heart. She wanted the relationship to work so badly that she worked very hard to conform to my version of an M/s relationship; we realized we were on the wrong path. However, rather than end our relationship, we restructured it as a form of Daddy/girl relationship (ours was an Uncle/niece structure). This worked just fine and lasted another nine months. This structure had the added advantage of being much less threatening to my Alpha slave.
But, if the relationship does have to end, if you can't agree on a different structure, all your friends need to know is that the contract ended. Nothing else. "Didn't you want to renew it?", asked a well-meaning friend. "No, we were complete with our relationship, and the contract period ended." End of story.
Chapter Summary
In Part I, we started out by defining the common terms for players in this M/s sphere - Master, Dom, submissive and slave, to name a few. Then we rolled through some common relationship structures - Top/bottom, Dom/submissive, Master/slave, and Owner/slave. In Part II, we proposed some self-examination questions. We asked you to consider who YOU are and what you SEEK. We asked how much you would PAY - in time and money - to transform yourself and/or your slave to be your ideal person, and ended that part of the book by suggesting ways of changing a relationship that didn't quite work out.
"Master/slave relationships are about understanding who we are on earth and what we are here to do."
Master Jim Glass, Northeast Master/slave Conference, 2006
Okay, you've decided to prepare for an M/s relationship. Before we get into selecting a partner, there are a few preparatory thoughts.
Why Does This Person Want to be a slave?
You might want to explore a threshold question: does your slave candidate want to be a 24/7 slave or something else? For the sake of this section, I'll assume you want what is increasingly called, Total Power Exchange - a 24/7 relationship that involves power exchange, as opposed to scene-specific role-play. From this point, the greatest hurdle is the candidate's personal honesty. You are going to have to discern what sings to this person - what he/she really wants out of this relationship with you. Is this slave really prepared for an authority exchange in which you, as Master, now have nearly absolute control? You may want your slave candidate to think this through for a minute. The slave may love jazz, and Master only listens to rap. How will that work? In fact, how will your candidate react when you elect not to allow your slave to listen to the radio or to CDs at all? Be assured, I decide on my slave's wardrobe, hair color and style, nail color, car choice, and use of time.
And, this is NOT micromanagement.
It's a case of the Master wishing his/her life to be a certain way and using the slave to support those intentions. Is your candidate clear that once he/she enters into a Master/slave relationship 24/7, all rights to make personal choices are forfeit? For example, if your slave tells you that he/she is going out on errands to point A, B and C, I expect that YOU expect that the slave will only to go to points A, B and C. How are you going to react if your slave decides to stop in at point D? Do you take that as a good sign of initiative, or do you take it as an incredible exercise of free will? Do you expect a phone call from the slave asking whether or not you will allow him/her to add in the extra stop, or are you satisfied so long as the slave explains why the extra stop was necessary? (My answer, by the way, was that the extra stop was an incredible and inexcusable exercise in the very kind of free will that the slave no longer possesses. The slave made that stop by taking time away from me.)
The slave's role is to be of service to Master.
That's it.
That's the slave's reason for being.
The trick, then, is to be a Master worthy of such service.
The trick is to be a Master who offers so much - in terms of life experiences and personal support - that the slave's service is more than justified.
Bob Rubel
Of course, this is what we're discussing throughout this book.
On Ego and Insecurity in Relationships
Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb, here. I'm going to apply some really sensitive business wisdom to choosing a mate in an M/s setting. I'm not sure whether I hope nobody reads this, or whether I hope a lot of people read this. But, I will say this: when I began looking for a slave, I specifically looked for an "A" type.
Critical Observation: As a general rule, "A" leaders select "A" players because they are confident in their own abilities and are used to being surrounded by excellence. However - again as a general rule - "B" leaders select "C" players because they can't risk being exposed as "B" leaders rather than as "A" leaders.
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 4