11. Amicability: Be able to laugh at yourself; have lots of friends. This usually indicates friendliness, flexibility and openness. Good attributes in a mate. You will appreciate these traits in a slave and your slave will appreciate these traits in you.
Some New-Relationship Distinctions
What ROLE do you want to play in this relationship?
• Boyfriend/girlfriend?
0 Master/Mistress; Dom/Domme; Daddy or Top?
• submissive/boy/boi/girl or slave?
Related to this - are you interested in the ROLE, or in the PERSON, or both? What if the role doesn't work out? Remember the story I related a few pages back... I had started an M/s relationship with a woman that didn't work out, so we transformed it into an Uncle/niece role-play, and it worked just fine. So, are you flexible?
And, dare I ask: what if you are a switch?? What if you are BOTH switches? Now what role? Are you going to be Master some of the time and role-play submissive to your own slave? Are you firm enough in your Mastery to be willing to wear your slave's collar?
Have you ever considered playing more than one role at a time?
In large Households, Master can have a slave with whom he has sex, a slave only for service, and a puppy for a pet. Then, again, you may keep a boy/boi around who needs nurturing growth. As you earn respect within the Leather Tribe (the term many Leather folk use to describe their subculture), you might find that you are approached to Master one or more people who are seen less frequently than the household slaves. There are so many roles that one can play within the overall M/s dynamic, that I can't really do that topic justice. This is a world where you can stretch yourself. You can be different people to different people. You can express yourself differently as a function of your different relationships.
Within the M/s structure, what ACTIVITIES are you likely to pursue?
I know, you want it all. And, that is fine; it's just that you probably want more of one thing than another. The clearer you can be about what you want, the more likely you are to be able to find that mix in a person.
• Vanilla - So, you might want a companion to attend business functions and family events with you. Does that mean that you want a slave for whom SM play is a minor part of the sought-after relationship? Does this point to a relationship almost devoid of formal protocols?
• Sex - So, you might want someone really good at it that enjoys it the way you offer it. Does that mean that you are seeking a slave who has had vast prior sexual experiences, or does that mean that you want someone without much sexual experience that you can train from the ground up?
• Service - So, someone with demonstrable service background is important. You may find that it's hard to take a doctor or lawyer and expect them to fit the role of chef and serving wench. On the other hand...
• BDSM Play - So, a masochist would be useful - a pain slut?
What AUTHORITY SYSTEM is involved?
This is a Master Jack McGeorge question, and I love it.
• What are the grounds for your authority? Did you declare it, or earn it? What, in your past, demonstrates that you can exert authority over another? Been a military officer? Been in business management? Made a lot of money? Been an Eagle Scout? You may find it easier to move into a Master's position if you exude demonstrable authority. Failing that, you may have to spend more time reinventing yourself - learning the myriad skills described in this book that will result in your ability to present yourself with authority and confidence.
• How broad is your authority? Do you intend to control your slave's finances? If so, are you willing to support your slave financially? Do you control your slave's access to his/her biological family? Again, this touches on the question of how much you are willing to spend to achieve the slave model you seek.
• Do you distinguish between punishment and correction? For example, my slave will only be punished for a violation of our contract - something extremely unlikely. On the other hand, I am not above correcting my slave for a variety of protocol violations.
I write this with an important additional note: As slaves generally work very hard to please their Masters, I recommend administering correction very sparingly, lest your slave become overcritical of her/his own actions and wary of your scrutiny. I also recommend that you be particularly careful to distinguish between correcting your slave's behavior, versus correcting your slave as a person. You want to love and cherish the person, while correcting behavior.
How do you deal with Reactance and Resistance?
Sooner or later, you are going to encounter reactance and resistance from your slave. This is particularly true if you are living together. You give an order; your slave reacts to the order. This reaction can take the form of a look of defiance, a little expression of exasperation or disgust, a rolling of eyes, or a direct challenge that questions the order. This tends to be something that many D/s and M/s couples go through, particularly those who are living in a 24/7 M/s setting.
Perhaps the most common low-level problem occurs when the slave reacts with some vanilla-sounding reply such as: "Oh, sure. I'll go get it." When this happens in my personal relationship with my slave, I generally react by saying something like: "And how would that reply be phrased if you were in protocol?" That's generally enough to get my slave to recognize the lapse and to restate the sentence as: "Sir, yes Sir! I'll go get it, Sir."
But, stepping up the scale, the time will come when you issue an order and the slave reacts to it in a way that you feel must be addressed; that your failure to address the issue will degrade the nature of the authority-exchange upon which the relationship is based. In such a case, I recommend you consider what is called a state change. Here, you stop whatever is going on at the time and change both your physical position and your slave's physical position. Typically, I put my slave in Full Present position (on both knees hands locked behind back) and allow the slave time to reflect and to become more composed. This is a time for the slave to refocus and discuss the underlying cause of the reactance. A Master with an open mind and open heart will learn a great deal at this point - often about himself/herself, rather than about the slave.
Reactance, unaddressed, is likely, at some point, to become resistance. Resistance occurs when the submissive/slave resists Master's dominance - sometimes unconsciously. Now, you've got a problem. This is likely to be a substantial signal that something fundamental is amiss. This requires some careful probing and questioning. In my experience, when a slave gets to the point of demonstrating resistance, Master is being inattentive - Master is not hearing/seeing/feeling the slave's signals for help/relief on some front. Again, my continual theme: you need outstanding listening skills and an appreciation of the world through the slave's eyes.
How do you execute the responsibility of your command?
How do you demonstrate your Mastery (walk the talk) with integrity and honor?
This is another Master Jack McGeorge question and it's a window into another dimension - the dimension of personal mastery. Being a list kind of guy, I'm going to give my flavor of answer with a number of short topics that are augmented with bulleted notes. By the way, this presumes that you are living an exemplary values-centered life of honesty and integrity. This list is more about executing your management responsibilities in an M/s relationship.
Thinking of Yourself as a Business Leader
As Master, you're manager. a You're managing a piece of very pricey property - a person. That calls for use of some rather traditional management techniques. One technique involves keeping your eye on the ball, as it were.
A good manager asks the following questions every three months:
• What are my objectives for the next 90 days?
0 What are my plans, priorities and hopes?
• How do I go about achieving them?
To avoid drifting through life, you might consider developing short review sessions every quarter and checking in with your slave. (Personally, I used to have annu
al planning meetings with my first wife. My father always found this astonishing.) Are you both on the same page? Are you doing what you need to do to reach your stated goals?
Here is a list of the more prominent traits of successful leaders. Successful leaders...
• Observe with application (they act on their observations).
• Take copious notes.
• Know how to listen well; know how to distinguish between background "chatter" and important issues; know how to ask clear, courteous and incisive questions.
• Welcome ideas.
• Value time highly.
• Set goals as a matter of routine.
• Try to understand a situation before commenting on it; they don't jump to conclusions.
• Always anticipate achievement.
• Know how to organize their approach to challenges; [This list to this point is attributed variously to Whitt N. Schultz and to H. Gordon Selfridge, and I've added some commentary].
• Have a five-year plan for success.
• Realize that they, not others, ultimately control their own success.
• Brainstorm alternatives to tough decisions (use consensus management techniques - for more information Google "consensus management").
• Celebrate their achievements; shrug off their setbacks.
• Develop and use a support network.
0 Always stand for integrity.
• Remind themselves that every day is a new opportunity.
• Keep themselves in top physical condition.
• Always remain open to learning new ideas [The lower part of the list is adapted from Bob Adams, Streetwise Business Tips. Adams Media Corp.].
Applying this last section to your M/s lifestyle, you might consider taking each of these bullet points and opening it up. Tease out the implications of each bullet for your personal situation. For example, take the bullet that reads: "Always anticipate achievement." What can this mean in your world? How well do you support your slave, emotionally? Are you always catching him/her doing something right? Do you bring home occasional treats/ gifts of love? Do you know your slave's favorite things - and do you make sure his/her favorites make it into your life, too? I know, sounds like a marriage. It's far more than that, of course - spousal support is only the support base for a highly evolved structured relationship.
The fact that you own a slave does not excuse you from reinforcing in your slave extreme feelings of love and warmth toward you as Master and an appreciation for how lucky your slave is that you accepted him/her. Often, my slave will ask me what I want for the evening. My unswerving answer is: "What I want is that tomorrow morning you open your eyes in bed and you say to me: `Wow! What a fabulous night we had last night, thank you so much."
Chapter Summary
Okay, we've been grappling with some of the core elements of a relationship. I asked you to consider why this person wants to be a slave - in general - and YOUR slave, in particular. I spent some time discussing how ego and insecurity, love and emotions enter into relationships. Next, I challenged you to examine some possible negative features of your own personality and behavior, then moved on to describe some attributes you might want to consider when choosing a mate. From there, I asked you what role you intended to play within your M/s dynamic, what activities you were considering, and by what authority system you felt you were a Master. This part of the book ended with a discussion of ways you could possibly solidify or re-create yourself as a business leader - a business leader who owns a very valuable asset: a slave.
It is a widely-held dream among Leatherfolk and one that manifests itself in many ways both in fantasy and in reality. It is our subculture's expression of love and support, a beautiful variant on the ideal biological family combined with flavors of hippy communal living, an Arabian Nights harem, a pirate ship, and grandma's house all rolled into one.
Jack Rinella, Leatherviews Issue number 40 (September 21, 2006)
The Leather Household is one of the distinguishing characteristics of the Leather Lifestyle. It also distinguishes a Leather Master/ slave relationship from a Not-Leather M/s relationship. That is - the Leather Family lives and acts in the context of the customs and traditions of their own Leather Household. That Household (or House) is known by its characteristics. These characteristics fall into certain general categories:
• Household creed and protocols
• Expectations governing family behavior
• Expectations about responsibilities and duties inside and outside the House
• Beliefs - not only about the spiritual side of life, but also about people
• Agreements and time commitments
Household Credo and Related Protocols
I'll start this section by pointing out that when it comes to establishing your Leather Household, you - as Master - are going to have to grapple with how you intend to translate your own vision of yourself into actions and protocols that express who you are to the outside world. That is, you are going to need to translate your core values to visible actions through protocols.
Sit back for a moment. Contemplate: If you were King, how would you order your private life?
• How would your staff address you?
• How would your staff take care of you?
• When guests come for dinner, how would you want them to be greeted?
• How would you want guests to be served?
• When you go out in public, who opens doors for you?
• How do you work this out in a multi-slave household?
• When standing around at the mall in a store, how is your slave to be standing?
• Is your slave free to speak to you, or does he/she need to ask permission to speak?
The answers to these, and many more related questions, form the basis of your own protocol manual. In my personal opinion, House Protocols constantly reinforce the uniqueness of the structured M/s Lifestyle. I feel that this area of the M/s dynamic is so important that it became the subject the companion book to this one: Protocol Theory slave: and Leather the for Handbook Practice. To give you a feeling for this topic, I've included a few of my own House Protocols. Bear in mind, every M/s relationship is different; every Master values things slightly differently - you have to work out your own Protocols.
• I am to be addressed as "Master" whenever possible, and as, "Sir" when "Master" would be inappropriate.
• When going out in public - even to the mall - we will always slightly overdress. The slave is to assume the most formal walking and standing protocols possible, without drawing attention to herself (translation: the slave at rest may stand with hands clasped behind her back and resting on her buttocks, rather than locked in the small of her back).
• My slave walks slightly behind my right shoulder and opens all doors for me. In restaurants, I walk to Table ahead of the slave. The slave may not speak to or respond to the wait staff, even if a waiter addresses her and asks her preference in drink or food.
• For meals at home, the slave serves me at Table, then plates her own food and brings it to Table. The slave does not eat until certain ceremonies have been completed.
• The slave will answer the telephone using a prescribed, formal protocol.
House credos can be vastly different. Just think how their internal House Protocols would flow from these statements.
• Sir Stephen, International Master 2005, heads a Victorian Household. His protocols, with slave catherine, have been largely recreated out of literature of the Victorian era. Their Household Credo states, in part: "We believe that the Household of Sir Stephen has a responsibility to itself and its members to fulfill those needs for which we have come together. To find the fulfillment we seek in giving and receiving superior service. Further, and as important, we have a responsibility to the larger Master/slave community to act in harmony with other Households and to strive, always, to promote greater harmony within that community." (Taken from their website: www.res
training-order.com)
• Master Alex Keppeler, head of Household Keppeler, writes of his spiritually-based Household: "We believe that our life in leather is a journey of self-knowledge and self-discovery in which one hopes to discover how he relates to The Other, to himself, to others in the Household and to the outside world. We are not isolated in our vision, but seek to draw on historical sources of the leather tradition and the communal aspects of the Rule of St. Benedict, and on the resources of others who are treading a similar path." (Taken from his website: www.householdk.org)
Again, an M/s relationship is special. It is structured. Some actions are prescribed (required); other actions are proscribed (forbidden).
Expectations Governing Family Behavior
The "feel" of your House is set by your key values. Your values are made real through your choice of protocols. Your protocols are an expression of your expectations.
As Master, you are expected clearly to specify your expectations about your slave's behavior, both in public and in private. There are many ways of approaching this - here are a few ideas that I use in my Family:
• I expect my slave to live and to serve me in the spirit of sprezzatura - the Italian word meaning effortless technique. The slave will view this concept as the byword, the key concept, underlying all actions. In my Household, everything is to look effortless; meals are to come together on time and perfectly.
• I expect my slave to support our intention that every day is magical and special. In this light, my slave is to maintain the house to the point that it is always tidy, and that flowers are fresh and nicely arranged.
• I expect my slave to be committed to the road less traveled - to support our quest to gain unusual skills and experiences.
• I expect those associated with this Family to complete any task they begin, and to complete it with excellence.
• I expect those associated with us not to repeat thirdhand tales/stories about another person - we recognize that everyone has plenty to work on themselves. Related, I expect those associated with us to behave (and to serve) with grace and elegance in all circumstances.
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 6