• What is that measurement now?
• What do you want that measurement to be now and over time?
• What is the value to your Family of the difference between what it is now and what you want it to be?
• Who or what else is affected?
3. Create a list of the kinds of results you would like to see for each of these problems. This becomes part of the goal-setting process. The relevant aphorism is: "What gets written down gets done." The key is to concentrate on the effects of the problem, not on the problem, itself.
4. Build a new range of options for introducing the idea into your Family.
5. Build support for your idea.
6. Make distinctions:
• Perceived problem vs. the "real" problem
0 Accepted problem vs. underlying causes/issues
• Political expediency vs. tough alternatives
Exercises such as this can help to strengthen your M/s relationship by bringing clarity to the larger issues that surround your relationship, or by clarifying issues that you think may inhibit your relationship from growing or moving into other dimensions. For example, you may fear/assume that some external force or condition is somehow limiting you or your Family. Discussing it and mapping the dimensions of the situation is likely to reveal some heretofore hidden options and opportunities.
The second part of this section concerns performance problems. This is the section you want to consider if your problem concerns your slave's behavior in some way. My all-time favorite book for teasing apart performance problems is Analyzing Performance Oughta Really Wanna - How to You Or. Problems: Figure People Why out Doing Aren't They What Should Be, and What It, About do to by Robert Mager and Peter Pipe. About the best I can do, here, is to reproduce part of their table of contents - as I so strongly recommend you purchase the book.
I want to start this section with an admonition. If you think your problem deals with the performance of your slave, consider this...
Wisdom has two parts: Having a lot to say, and not saying it.
Often, the problem with performance problems is that they are not what they at first appear to be. Not by a long shot. The slave's failure to do "X" really means "Y"..., or "K" or "B". What it really means may not be easily or logically derived. The slave may not be doing "X" because of an emotional hurt that will take some probing to reveal. That said, here is a start at a structure for teasing the situation apart.
Remember, this material comes from the table of contents of the Mager and Pipe book (tailored to the subject matter of this book, of course).
1. Is your slave not doing what he/she should be doing?
• What is the performance discrepancy? (Quantify the problem; explain to your slave why you care about this.)
• Specifically, how does the problem manifest itself now?
• How long has it been a problem?
• Who is affected and why do they care?
• How will you know if you're successful in fixing it?
• Is it worth pursuing? Some issues don't rise to the level of "problems." Some issues are sim ply not worth addressing when they first surface. Personally, I will sometimes wait quite a while for the correct conditions to arise before discussing a behavior that I want modified. It's not that I'm hiding a problem; it's that the particular issue isn't worth addressing at that time.
Let me speak for a minute on what is called approximated behavior. For our purposes, "approximated behavior" is behavior exhibited by your slave that is on the right path to being the behavior you seek, but not the exact, precise behavior you seek. Because your slave has to learn quite a bit of new behavior in order to mesh successfully and seamlessly with your life, you are bound to go through a period where little things just aren't quite right. Here, you have two choices:
• Keep picking on the "little issues."
0 Ignore the "little issues."
The problem with picking on them is that you risk pissing off your slave and giving him/her the idea that you are unreasonably (compulsively) picky. The other alternative is to say to yourself, as Master: "Look, I've accepted this person as my slave, and this is what I have to work with right now. Let me cherish this slave while he/she learns all my preferences and protocols. As the slave masters one set of duties/functions, I'll just add another set - incrementally." The key to making this work for you will be to set clear priorities with your slave about those preferences and protocols that you want mastered first, and then those that can be mastered later.
2. Explore fast fixes - there are likely to be some quick ways to solve the problem right away. Examples include:
• Explain the rule or the procedure more clearly.
• Change or eliminate the rule.
3. Are the consequences for the desired behavior right side up?
• Is the desired performance itself punishing? (It takes much longer to do it right.)
• Is the undesired performance rewarding? (It's simply easier not to mop the kitchen floor every night. The slave gets more time with you.)
• Are there any consequences at all? (This is a test of your Mastery and your commitment to the M/s relationship. As Master, you may choose to instruct your slave to leave certain evening tasks incomplete in order that the two of you can play. The key, though, lies in the consciousness of the choice. That is, there is a VAST difference between the slave simply leaving the evening dishes undone in order to be available to play with you, and you instructing the slave to leave the dishes undone in order to come and play with you. In the first instance, the slave appears to have acted willfully - making the decision to leave the dishes undone - rather than acting per your instruction. )
4. Are there other causes for the undesired behavior?
• Is the problem a skill deficiency?
• Could your slave perform this task in the past?
• Is this skill used often?
• Can the task be simplified?
• Are there obstacles remaining? (Outmoded equipment, lack of funds to buy something?)
• Is the slave properly motivated to complete the task to your specifications?
Again, I urge you to purchase the book Analyzing Performance Problems - I consider it a core reading for someone concerned with Master/slave relations.
Chapter Summary
We've now worked ourselves through the chapter on beginning a relationship. I opened with a section covering some indications that everything might not be running smoothly in River City. Once past this point, I ran through some of the salient points about negotiations. What to do and what not to do when negotiating the M/s contract. I discussed how to negotiate by thinking of yourself as the buyer, then reviewed some topics that should be included in any M/s negotiation. Next, I moved on to ways to empower your Family and ways you can approach problem solving. This material should set you up for the next chapter - on contracts and collars.
On Contracts
I've heard people dismiss contracts out-of-hand. Their argument is that because it's not possible to make a legally binding contract in the U.S. giving enforceable control over one person to another person, that there is no point to it. I differ. slave contracts, while they have no standing in court, are extremely useful to encourage the two (or more) parties to sit down and work through relationship issues. Contracts become a way of making a record of what each of you were thinking when you started your relationship.
People tend to forget things; details wash away with time - and age. Contracts don't change their minds. This is not a trivial issue. A clearly worded contract helps prevent needless upsets and recriminations... "But you promised me...", "I never said any such thing..."
Another KEY point: As Joseph Bean likes to point out, your contract is NOT your protocol manual. Your contract is your constitution. Your protocol manual would be like a company's by-laws and, like company by-laws, is likely to be changed from time to time. You want to prepare a Contract that is unchanging over time.
In this book, I've included three sample contracts: a training contract, a very detailed long-term contract, and a very short Owner's contract. However, before you start reading those, I'd still like to discuss some of the common styles of contracts and some of the more common clauses in contracts of this kind. By now, you probably have one eyebrow cocked and are reflecting on my opening aphorism: When you don't know what to do, do it slowly. Yes, this entire process takes a while.
Styles of Contracts
So, let's say you are, in fact, going to prepare a document that specifies the contractual obligations of the partners, better to understand the proposed power exchange relationship. There are three main ways to consider doing this that have worked for other people. I'm sure that there are other ways to do it, but these are the more common ways of approaching contracts in the M/s Lifestyle.
• Time-controlled contract: This defines the obligations and duties each will assume at certain points along their agreed path. Normally, the defined level of power exchange starts as a simple structured definition of the relationship at the time. The contract specifies the furthest level of power exchange that is comfortable for both parties and explains commensurate duties and obligations. In between are a number of stages, normally between two and four, with each step mapped out. The level of power exchange is normally increased over time, though I am aware of one where the final stage was a required dissolution of the relationship. The timing of when the contractual stages come into force are not usually in the contract. Instead, it is up to the slave to inform the Master that he/she is ready for the next stage (thus giving consent), and for the Master then to inform the slave when the next stage will come into effect (thus retaining control). This type of contract may be most applicable when two people are quite certain at the outset that their relationship will work out, and they know the path along which they wish to travel. While I've never known a couple to use this structure, it seems to me that this can be useful when the Master is much more experienced than the slave, and when he is clear about where he wishes to lead that slave over time.
• Several contracts used in stages: This type of contract may be more applicable when two people wish to begin exploring a path together. Here, Master may begin with some kind of temporary contract - perhaps a contract that covers a weekend, or a week or so. This can be viewed as a "getting to know you" contract. It may be fairly brief, but it gives each partner some starting points for developing their relationship. Next, Master may offer a training contract that could last for a number of months, and could, perhaps, be renewed if Master didn't feel the slave had accomplished enough during the first contract period. Next, Master may offer a more extensive contract during a courting period - a period where Master is deciding whether to accept this slave for a lifetime commitment. Finally, Master may offer the slave a much simplified contract for life.
Some notes:
• Each time one contract ends, the NEXT contract is negotiated and prepared, so that both parties know the level of power exchange they must now meet, and also (as with the single time-controlled contract) understand the objective for the next stage, so they can strive to meet it.
• A new type of contract is only created once Master is assured that the intent of the previous contract has been fulfilled; that the slave has been able to live within the power and authority structure described in the expiring contract.
• Although it may be hard to accomplish, I strongly suggest that you let one contract expire, and use the next 4-6 weeks to negotiate the next staged contract from a position of equal personal power. That is, I urge you NOT to negotiate the next con tract from within the M/s relationship. After all, if the slave has given the Master all authority over him/her, how in the world does the slave suddenly have the power to negotiate???
• Single stage (simple) contract: This contract lays out the core obligations and duties on both sides. This defines the balance of power or authority exchange at the time and leaves open any decrease or increase in that exchange. Typically, these contracts have no ending date. This contract is also known as a No Limits Contract and is usually used in an Owner/slave relationship, rather than a Master/slave relationship.
Common Clauses in Contracts
There are many sample contracts available on the Internet. You may find it hard to identify a pre-existing contract that you could use - without alteration - in your own real-life relationship. That's because people (and their relationships) are so different. At any rate, when drawing up a personal contact, you might want to consider:
• Health: The obligations to ensure, or improve, the health of oneself and of the slave. Here, discuss fluid bonding. [NOTE: I recommend that you do NOT include any discussion of weight loss or exercise in your contract. The problem could arise that the slave is unable to exercise for the prescribed number of times or number of hours for whatever reason - even through no fault of his/her own - but he/she has now violated the Contract and is liable for Punishment. It makes much more sense for exercise requirements to be in Instruction or a line or two in your Protocol Manual. Also, dietary and exercise requirements may change over time, but the Contract does not change over time.]
• Safety: What emotional and financial safeguards are you going to put in place for the slave, both during the relationship and upon demise of the relationship (or upon the untimely death of the Owner or the slave).
• Emotional Support and Affirmation: When you start reviewing slave contracts, you will be struck with all the language giving you, as Master, permission to punish and control the slave. In my experience, a person on the path of Internal Enslavement (IE), or Total Power Exchage (TPE), is incredibly compliant to begin with. My experience is that the person seeking to serve a Master is much more interested in being recognized and cherished for doing a good job, than for being punished for minor lapses in service.
• Sexuality: To whom, and when and how, is the slave to be available? Here, discuss any issues of polyamory, swinging, multiple slaves, and so forth.
• Openness: Is the nature of the relationship to be discreet, or open and obvious to the public, work colleagues, family, etc.?
• Biological Family: What provisions are made for any biological family members, especially minor children or aged parents?
• Discipline: The nature and extent of control, and the means (if restricted in any way), for the Owner to enforce the control. Here, discuss any restrictions on specific kinds of discipline. For example, you may wish not to use any type of BDSM implement that is also used for scening. The issue is that implements used for scening carry positive associations and related positive emotions. If you start using the same implement for punishment, you will lose some/most/all of those special and positive associations with that implement.
• Finance: Explain how pre-existing wealth, as well as income subsequent to the contract, are to be handled. For example, during the training contract, you may not wish to address any aspect of your slave's finances. On the other hand, if your slave candidate is very experienced (has lived as a slave for many years), he/she may expect to surrender personal control over his/her finances.
• Duration: How long is your contract? This is a hotly discussed topic. In the gay community, there is a tendency to spend some time getting to know one another before extending a contract without a termination date - a contract for life. Among the heterosexual M/s movement, there is a much stronger tendency to create a series of staged contracts that carry termination dates. There is a substantial camp that believes that a contract must have a termination date in order to be realistic. There is another substantial camp who want their contracts to have termination dates because they recognize that the slave (and even the Master) will change a great deal during this experience, and Master wants to be able to reevaluate the slave every year or so, in light of their experiences together.
Before providing examples of contracts, a note:
There is no such thing as a "cookie cutter
" contract for this kind of relationship. You have to tailor this - or any other preexisting contract - to your own situation. These contracts are only included as examples, not as models.
EXAMPLE OF A TRAINING CONTRACT
Note #1: This is in a form that I have actually used. Still, you would have to modify it for your particular circumstances.
Note #2: As this contract was drawn for a female slave, I have left gender references in the feminine.
Either party may terminate this Contract at any time before the above named date in the event of a material breach (a material breach is a violation of any contract terms and conditions such that the other party feels his/her benefits under this contract have been destroyed). This Contract may be reviewed, renegotiated, rewritten, or terminated by Master prior to its termination date.
Mutual Respect
This contract describes the respective roles and responsibilities of Master and slave. This contract assumes that each party holds the other in equal respect; that Master and slave each think of the other as having equal value to themselves. Master is not better than the slave; the slave is not less than the Master.
Contract Provisions
1. To the best of this slave's ability, this slave pledges to honor the terms and the spirit of this Contract, and to study to develop the skills and knowledge necessary to serve Master's wishes and desires. This service will be without ego, pride, or expectations. From this day until the termination or extension of this Contract, this slave pledges at all times to obey Master with humility and to subvert the slave's will and desires to his will and desires. To the extent possible, this slave will hide nothing from Master and answer all questions fully and honestly.
2. During this training period, the slave agrees to obey Master to the best of her ability and to devote herself entirely to Master's pleasure, whether through readings, writings, dress, personal service, or sexual service. This slave also renounces all rights to her own pleasure, comfort, or gratification, except insofar as permitted by Master. The slave agrees to learn what interests and excites Master through exploration and communication, and to incorporate such discoveries into this relationship.
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice Page 10