by Orhan Pamuk
Because I kept forgetting Füsun was very drunk and because I took everything she said seriously, her remarks sometimes irked me. But my contentment was not to be shattered, as I’d succeeded in drinking myself into that state of mind wherein all the world is one, and there is but one world. This, I concluded, was the theme of the film starring the fly and my memories. Everything I had ever felt for Füsun, all the pain I had suffered for her, was now at one with the beauty and confusion of the world, and in this extraordinarily beatific feeling of unity and completion, my spirit found its long sought peace. But then, my attention turning to the fly, I began to wonder how it could walk so far without its legs getting tangled up. Then the fly vanished.
As I held Füsun’s hand in mine on the tabletop, I could feel the peace and beauty within me passing through my hand to hers, and from hers to mine. Her beautiful left hand was like a tired hunted animal that my right hand had turned on its back, roughly mounting it, almost crushing it. The whole world aswirl inside my head, inside both our heads.
“Shall we dance?” I said.
“No …”
“Why not?”
“I don’t feel like it right now!” Füsun said. “I’m happy just like this.”
When I realized she was referring to our hands, I smiled. It was a moment outside of time, as if we’d been sitting there hand in hand for hours, or had only just arrived. I looked around and saw that we were the only ones left in the restaurant.
“The French have left.”
“Those people weren’t French,” said Füsun.
“How could you tell?”
“I saw their license plate. They were from Athens.”
“Where did you see their car?”
“They’re about to close the restaurant, let’s go.”
“But we’re still here!”
“You’re right,” she said in a voice of maturity.
We sat hand in hand for a while longer.
Taking a cigarette from the packet, and lighting it deftly, she smiled at me as she took a long drag. This too seemed to last hours. A second feature had just begun to play in my mind when she slipped her hand from mine and rose to her feet. I was walking after her and soon headed upstairs, paying close attention to the back of her dress, fortunately without stumbling.
“Your room is there,” said Füsun.
“First let me escort you to yours, your mother’s room.”
“No, you go to your own room,” she whispered.
“I’m so upset, you don’t trust me. How will you be able to spend the rest of your life with me?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Go on now—off to your room.”
“What a beautiful night,” I said. “I’m so very happy. For as long as we live, each and every moment will be as happy as this—I promise.”
She saw me drawing nearer, to kiss her, but before I could, she had embraced me. I kissed her passionately, almost forcing myself on her. For the longest time we kissed, at one point my eyes opening to see in the narrow, low-ceilinged corridor a picture of Atatürk. And I remember between kisses pleading with Füsun to come to my room.
Someone in one of the rooms coughed politely. A key turned in a lock.
Füsun pulled away from me and, turning in to the corridor, vanished.
I looked forlornly after her, before going to bed still wearing my clothes.
78
Summer Rain
THE ROOM was not pitch-dark; there was light coming in from the gas station and the Edirne road. Was that a forest in the distance? I could just make out a flash of lightning in the far-off sky. My mind was open to the entire universe, and everything in it.
A long time had passed when there was a knock on the door. I answered it.
“My mother seems to have locked me out,” said Füsun, peering through the darkness, trying to see me.
I took her hand and pulled her in. Lying down on the bed still in my clothes, I pulled her down beside me, and I embraced her, drawing her still closer. She nestled up to me, like a cat come in from a rainstorm, resting her head on my chest. She pulled me toward her with all her might, as if our happiness could only grow the nearer we drew to each other; and I noticed she was shivering. I felt that, as in a legend, we would die then and there unless we kissed. I remember how we kissed, before I pulled off her now very rumpled red dress, and how long and deeply we kissed after that, how the embarrassing report of the bed-springs would cause us to slow down, and how aroused I became when her hair swept over my chest and face; but if I particularize, let no one imagine that we lived these moments in full consciousness, or that I remember each and every one. The whiplash of living at once what I had been awaiting for years, the sheer disbelief at finding happiness in this world, had reduced the pleasures to a series of luminous moments, discrete and without measure, like so many fireflies, beaming and vanishing in an instant. But the images entering my head beyond my control, as in a dream, molded into one general impression.
I remember that we climbed in between the sheets and that whenever my skin touched hers, it burned. I was in a trance, immersed in nine-year-old memories that, unbeknownst to me, I’d forgotten, but which now revived, animated by other details of those happy days that I was reliving in my enchantment. As the long-suppressed hope for happiness mingled with the joy and triumph of wishes fulfilled (I had already swallowed each of her breasts whole), the lived moment became a blur—a confusion of pleasures and emotions. Even as I rejoiced at having in the end mastered her, I could not but feel for her, admire everything about her—her moan of pleasure, her childlike way of clinging to me, the sudden sparkle of her velvet skin. One sublime moment I remember clearly: She was sitting on my lap, her face lit up by the headlights of the trucks rumbling past (their tired engines echoing our low, deep moans), when, looking joyously into each other’s eyes, we were surprised; a strong, unexpected gust of wind rattled everything for a moment, and somewhere in the distance a door slammed, and the leaves on the trees shook as if sharing a secret with us. A far-off flash of lightning filled the room with an instant of purple light.
As we made love with fervor that only grew and grew, our past, our future, and our memories became as one with that moment’s ecstatic escalation. Trying to stifle our cries, and bathed in sweat, we continued to consummation. Afterward, Füsun nestled up close, and I—utterly content with life, and the world, and everything in it, radiant with beauty and meaning—buried my head in her neck, and breathing in her dizzying scent, drifted off to sleep.
Much later, in a dream, I was visited by images of happiness. Here, for the benefit of visitors to the museum, I display images from my reverie. The sea in my dream was indigo, like the sea of my childhood. And like our arrival in Suadiye at the beginning of summer, our outings in rowboats, the happy days when I would water-ski, the evenings I’d gone fishing just for sport—memories that always awakened in me a sweet impatience—the stormy sea of my dream seemed to stir such contented restlessness of early summer. Just then I saw soft little clouds passing slowly overhead, one resembling my father. In the ocean, amid the storm, I saw a ship slowly bobbing and disappearing, as well as black-and-white images reminiscent of my childhood comics, and other dark, faint, yet frightening pictures and memories. They had the feel of memories long lost and recently recovered. Images of Istanbul in old films, snowy streets, monochrome postcards passed before my eyes.
These dream images taught me that the happiness of being alive could never be separated from the pleasures of seeing this world.
Then a strong gust swept over me, bringing all these images to life, and chilling my still sweaty body. The leaves of the acacia trees seemed to radiate light as they swayed back and forth, rustling sweetly in the wind. When the wind grew stronger, the rustling of leaves and branches turned into an ominous moan, and with it a long rumble of thunder crackled, so loud that I woke up.
“How beautifully you were sleeping,” said Füsun, and she kissed me.
�
��How long was I asleep?”
“I don’t know. The thunder woke me just now.”
“Were you afraid?” I asked, wrapping my arms around her, and drawing her close.
“No, I wasn’t at all afraid.”
“It will begin to rain in a moment….”
She rested her head in the crook of my neck, and for a long time we lay there in the darkness, gazing out the window. In the distance the cloudy sky glowed intermittently with a pink and purple light. The passengers in the noisy trucks and buses tearing down the Istanbul–Edirne road seemed not to see this far-off storm, as if only we were aware of that strange corner of the world.
Before we heard the passing traffic, the high beams would shine into the room, silently widening on the wall on our right until they’d lit up the entire room, and by the time we heard the rumble of an engine, the light would change shape and disappear.
Now and then we kissed, when not watching the play of the lights upon the wall, fascinated as children discovering a kaleidoscope. Under the sheets our legs lay stretched out side by side, like husband and wife.
We began to explore each other again with caresses, lightly at first, exercising caution, finding even more beauty and meaning in our coupling, now that we were not quite so drunk. I kissed her breasts and her sweet-smelling throat at length. When first becoming aware in my early youth of the brute, implacable force of sexual desire, I remember calming myself with this wishful thought: A person married to a beautiful woman could make love to her from dawn till dusk, wasting no time on anything else. Now the same childish thought crossed my mind. An infinity stretched out before us. The world though half shrouded in darkness had come close to paradise.
When the powerful lights of a bus shone into the room, I looked at Füsun’s face, at her alluring lips, and I saw that her thoughts had drifted far away. My sensation stayed with me long after the lights had vanished. I kissed Füsun’s stomach. From time to time the road fell silent, and I could hear the buzzing of a cicada. And was it the croaking of frogs far away, or was it the world’s fine inner music, the susurrus of the grass, the deep, low hum that came from the earth itself, and nature’s steady breathing, too soft to be heard when in the midst of life? I continued to kiss her stomach, my tongue traveling idly over her smooth skin, even as a mosquito bit my back and continued to make its annoying whine heard. As a cormorant happily diving in water will come up for air, so would I lift my head from time to time, to search the ever changing light for Füsun’s eyes.
As we made love, drinking in at length the pleasures of discovering each other anew, we repeated the things we had done before; and in one part of my mind I was recording every moment, never to be erased, and classifying it methodically:
1. The joyful recognition of some of Füsun’s gestures, first identified during the forty-four days we had spent making love nine years earlier, in 1975. Her moans, the innocent tenderness that illuminated her face—the way she frowned when intrigued to find me grasping her powerfully by the waist to reverse our positions; the felicitous fit of our various appendages, as if the elements of our respective anatomies were pieces of a single instrument ordinarily disassembled; the way, when we were kissing, her lips would open up like a flower—these were the details I’d recalled and dreamed of for nine years, longing to relive each one.
2. The many little particulars that I had forgotten and so had been unable to dream about, now recalled with surprise as I watched Füsun enacting them: the way she’d use two fingers like a pair of tongs to take my wrist, the twitch of the mole right below her shoulder (many other moles were just where I’d left them); the way her eyes would cloud over at the height of pleasure before refocusing on the little things around her (the watch left on the tabletop, or the electric wires running the perimeter of the ceiling); the way she would relax her grip after holding me tight, making me think that she was about to pull away, only to grab me all the more forcefully—that night I remembered all these forgotten little mannerisms that now gave our lovemaking an earthy quality that rescued it from becoming some surreal fantasy fed by nine years of dreaming and imagining.
3. A number of habits, manifestly new, of which I had no recollection, which surprised and unsettled me to the point of jealousy. The digging of her fingernails into me; her way of becoming lost in thought at the most intense moments of love-making, as if to ponder her bliss or its meaning; the habit of going suddenly limp, as if having fallen off to sleep, or of sinking her teeth into my arm or my shoulder, as if to cause me real pain—these things made me think that she was not the old Füsun. I was content at one point to put it all down to the novelty of this experience: During our forty-four days together nine years ago we had never spent a night together in the same bed. Still, I was troubled no less by the ferocity of her lovemaking than by her tendency to passively withdraw into private thought.
4. The simple fact of her being someone else now. The eighteen-year-old girl I had known and made love to was still living within her, but as the years passed, she had been buried deeper and deeper within, like the sapling encased in the bark of the tree. I loved the Füsun now lying at my side far more than I’d ever loved the young girl I’d met so many years before. Time had favored us both with growth of wisdom, and of depth, it pleased me to see.
Giant raindrops began to fall on the windowpanes and windowsills. As the sky thundered, the downpour began. And as we listened to the heavy summer rain, wrapped in each other’s arms, I fell asleep.
When I awoke the rain had stopped. Füsun was not beside me but on her feet, putting on her red dress.
“Are you going back to your room?” I said. “Please don’t go.”
“I’m going to look for a bottle of water. We seem to have had a lot to drink. I’m terribly thirsty.”
“I’m thirsty, too,” I said. “Stay, I’ll go. I saw some bottles in the restaurant refrigerator.”
But by the time I had got out of bed, she’d quietly opened the door and left. So I got back into bed, and happily imagining that she would soon return, I fell asleep.
79
Journey to Another World
MUCH LATER, when I awoke, Füsun had still not returned. Thinking she had gone to her mother’s side, I got out of bed and lit a cigarette at the window. The sun had not yet risen, but in the gloom I could make out just the hint of daylight and the fragrance of wet earth. The neon signs of the gas station up the road, and of the Grand Semiramis Hotel, were reflected in the puddles on the edge of the asphalt and in the polished chrome bumpers of the Chevrolet in the adjacent parking lot.
I saw that the restaurant where we’d had dinner and performed our engagement ceremony the night before had a small garden, its chairs and cushions now sopping wet. Just beyond, a naked lightbulb was strung to the branch of a fig tree, and in the light filtering through its leaves I could see Füsun sitting on a bench. She was half turned toward me, smoking as she awaited sunrise.
I threw on my clothes and went straight down. “Good morning, my beauty,” I whispered.
She said nothing, lost in thought and shaking her head like someone preoccupied with great troubles. On the chair right beside the bench I saw a glass of raki.
“While I was getting the water, I noticed there was an open bottle of this, too!” Her impish expression reminded me that she was Tarık Bey’s daughter.
“Assuming we aren’t going to spend the most beautiful morning the world has ever seen drinking, what are we going to do?” I said. “It will be hot on the road. We can sleep all day in the car…. Is this seat taken, young lady?”
“I’m not a young lady anymore.”
I did not answer, but sat down beside her, and taking her hand just as I’d done in the Palace Cinema, I settled in to admire the view with her.
Sitting there in silence we watched the world around us slowly brighten. There were still purple lightning bolts in the distance, and orange clouds shedding their rain on some part of the Balkans. An intercity bus rumbled p
ast. We gazed at its red taillights until they disappeared.
A dog with black ears approached us with care from the gas station, wagging its tail amicably. It was a dog of no distinction, an ordinary mutt. After sniffing me, and then Füsun, he rested his head on her lap.
“He’s taken a shine to you,” I said.
But Füsun didn’t answer.
“Yesterday as we were coming in, he barked at us three times,” I said. “Did you notice? There was once a china dog just like him on top of your television.”
“You stole that one, too.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘stole.’ Your mother, your father, all of you knew about it from the first year.”
“True.”
“What did they say about it?”
“Nothing. It upset my father. My mother would act as if it didn’t matter. And I wanted to become a film star.”
“You still can be.”
“Kemal, that’s a lie you’ve just told me. You don’t even believe it yourself,” she said in a serious voice. “That really makes me angry—how good you are at telling lies.”
“What makes you say that?”
“You know perfectly well that you have no intention of helping me become a film star. There’s no longer any need, after all.”
“What do you mean? If it’s what you really want, it’s perfectly possible.”
“It’s been what I really wanted for years, Kemal. And you know that.”
The dog nestled up to Füsun.
“It’s the spitting image of that china dog. Especially those ears, half black, half wheaten—they’re identical.”
“What did you do with all those dogs, and combs, and watches, and cigarettes, and everything else?”
“I took comfort from them,” I said, now a little resentful myself. “The whole collection resides in the Merhamet Apartments. I could feel no shame about it with you, my lovely. When we get back to Istanbul, I’d like you to see it.”