Selfish

by Shantel Tessier

  I hurry to get dressed and make my way to the kitchen. I’m so tired. I just wanna go back to bed with her and skip the second half of work. I smile. “You keep spoiling me like this, and I’ll have you moved in.”

  She tenses at my words and turns, giving me her back. I walk over to her. I put my hands on her hips and spin her around to face me. Reaching up, I push some blond strands behind her ear. I’ve decided this isn’t going to happen. I’m not gonna let her shut me out. I’m not gonna allow her to hide inside her head. She’s gonna face what is happening here.

  She looks up at me through long dark lashes. Her lipstick is wore off from my lips on hers, and her makeup is smeared from pushing her face down into the sheets, but she still looks just as beautiful. “Don’t say things like that,” she whispers.

  “Like what?” I ask, wanting her to tell me what she’s so afraid of. Is it just me?

  She swallows. “Like this isn’t temporary.”

  “What if I said it wasn’t?”

  She sighs, her chest rising and falling slowly. She still has the top three buttons of her shirt undone, and I can see the tops of her breasts. I refrain from running my tongue over them. “This is not what we agreed to.” She decides to dodge my question.

  “It’s not, but the situation has changed.” People change, my father had said. She is changing me. Am I the one to change her?

  “Ryder—”

  “Tell me it hasn’t,” I interrupt her. “Tell me that you only see me as a friend.” It’s a gamble. I know we’re moving fast, and I’m pushing it, but I’ve never been one to take things slow. I jump in head first and give it my all.

  She swallows nervously as her bright blue eyes look up at me. They search mine, and I grab her hand. I bring it to my lips and gently kiss it. “Look at me and tell me that you look at me the same way you did that night on the beach. When all you wanted was one night?”

  She draws in a long breath. “You know that would be a lie.” Her words are barely above a whisper.

  “Then why won’t you just let go, sweetheart?” My hands cup her face, and I lean into her. “I’m right here,” I say against her lips. “I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

  “They’re just words,” she tells me.

  I frown, and she explains. “Anyone can tell you what you want to hear.”

  “You think that’s what I’m doing?” What would I have to gain from lying to her? I’ve never had to lie to get what I want, and I’m not about to start now.

  “Yes.” I arch my brow. “No.” She sighs. “I don’t know,” she says honestly, and I try not to smile. She looks so cute confused.

  I press my body into hers, my cell ringing in my pocket. “How about this? I’ll show you.”

  “Those are big words to keep,”

  “I’m up for the challenge.” I smile, but she doesn’t return it. I take a deep breath and release it. “I’m not Bradley.”

  She stiffens at my words, and I just wanna shake and tell her to stop doing that. “What does he have to do with this?”

  “Everything,” I state. “You’re comparing everything we do to you and him. I’m not like him.”

  “I know,” she growls, her anger rising.

  “I’m not gonna treat you like he does.”

  Her eyes narrow on me. “What does that mean?”

  “You told your mother this morning that I was just like him. That I mean nothing to you.” I can’t hide it. How much that statement hurt me.

  She sighs and pulls away from me. “Is that why you acted funny this morning?” I don’t answer. I don’t need to. “What was I supposed to say?”

  “The truth.”

  “And what is that?” she snaps.

  “That I mean something to you,” I snap back. “God, why is it so fucking hard for you admit that you feel something for me?” I demand.

  “Because I don’t want you to have that power,” she yells.

  I stand there and stare down at her. Her eyes widen for the briefest moment as she realizes what she just said, but I refrain from smiling. So I say, “It would only be fair because you have that power over me.”

  “Ryder,” she whispers my name.

  I place my hand on her face, and I can feel her body trembling. “I’m not lying.” I shake my head once. “I would gain nothing from lying to you, sweetheart. You have so much power over me it’s not even funny,” I admit. “You’re all I think about. You’re my first thought when I wake up and the last thought when I go to sleep. Hell, I dream about you.”

  “Stop.” She chokes on the word.

  “No,” I say, and she swallows as her big blue eyes search mine. “I’m not gonna stop telling you how I feel. And I’m not gonna stop trying to get you to do the same.”

  “I don’t wanna get hurt,” she says softly.

  “I’m not gonna hurt you,” I say.

  “You can’t promise that.”

  “I can promise you that no other woman has made me feel what you do,” I say truthfully, and a single tear runs down her face. I wipe it away with my thumb. “It’s okay to be scared, Ashlyn. But it’s not okay to run away before we even have a chance.”

  “A chance at what?” she asks.

  “At being the exception.”

  ***

  We sit in the back of the Escalade on the way back to work. Ashlyn sits next to me with her hand in mine on my lap as she looks out her window like she did this morning. But this time, it’s different. This time, we’ve both faced a fear, and now, we know where we both stand. Together.

  Her phone dings, and she picks it up off her lap. She smiles as she reads a message. “Who is it?” I ask.

  She looks up at me, now smiling. “It’s Thomas,”

  I frown. “Who is Thomas? And should I be worried?”

  She laughs. “No. I should be more worried than you.” My frown deepens, and her smile widens. “Oh,” I say with a laugh. “What does he want?”

  “He asked if I was still out with the King of New York.”

  I smile. “King?”

  She nods. “I guess in his circle, you, Mr. Ryder O’Kane, are known as the King.”

  “I like that.” I lean in and kiss her on her lips. “Wanna be my queen?”

  She arches a brow. “Want me to rule your imaginary kingdom?”

  “Hey now, don’t discredit my people.”

  She laughs, and I smile at the sound. “I guess I can take the position. But I want a crown.”

  I smile. “I would expect nothing less.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  RYDER

  The rest of the week went by fast. I spent Thursday out of town on business, and Ashlyn went back to staying at her own apartment. I hated it!

  Friday was hell at the office. Like any other given day, shit wasn’t going right, and my dad was on my ass. So when I did finally make it home, I text Ashlyn to meet me up at my apartment. We spent the night in my bed doing nothing but each other.

  I wake up Saturday morning with the sun shining in my room. I look to see Ashlyn is gone and roll over to answer my phone as it blares. I press ignore.

  I groan loudly when I hear my phone ringing again. It goes off non-stop, and I would really like to smash it with a hammer just for some peace and quiet for a few hours.

  “Hello?” I answer roughly, not bothering to look at the caller ID. My eyes are still trying to adjust to the light.

  “Well, if it isn’t my long-lost son,” my mother says dryly.

  “Hello, Mother,” I say, running my hand down my face. I really wish I could cancel this party and just spend the evening in bed with Ashlyn. Sex can be so relaxing.

  “Are you back in town?”

  “Yes, I got back yesterday.” I had to run to Chicago yesterday. I was only there for three hours.

  She sighs. “Well, if you answered my calls, then I would know where you are at.”

  “I’m not five, Mother. You don’t need to know my every move.”

  “True.
But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore me.” I sigh, and she goes on. “I spoke to Debra earlier today, and she said that you didn’t invite Vicki to the party tonight.”

  Here we go again. Debra is one of her friends, and Vicki is Debra’s daughter.

  “It must have slipped my mind,” I lie.

  “I figured so. I called her myself earlier and invited her.”

  Fuck! “That was very thoughtful of you,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “I just want you to have a great party. You only turn twenty-nine once.” She pretends to care. “Well, I must be going. I have to finish getting ready; some girlfriends and I are getting together tonight for our book club.”

  Reading? Ashlyn loves to read. “Mom, have you read Romeo and Juliet?”

  She’s silent on the other end, probably wondering what I’m up to. I never ask her questions because I’m usually too busy deflecting hers. Finally, she answers. “Of course.”

  “What did you think of it?”

  She sighs as if answering is going to put her out. “I found it to be a tragedy. Letting someone consume you to the point you lose yourself is just idiotic.”

  Of course, she does. When I spoke to my father, I actually felt a small bit of pity for my mother. That she married a man who didn’t fully love her like she should be, but now, I feel sorry for my father because it turns out she doesn’t love him like he should be either. “Wow, Mom, tell me how you really feel.” Ashlyn found it romantic and said that true love should make you lose yourself. You don’t really know who you are until you lose yourself. I like Ashlyn’s opinion better.

  “I said I read it. I didn’t say I liked it,” she says, and I can hear her rolling her eyes.

  I hang up, and my hand drops to the bed beside my head. I let out a long sigh before I roll over onto my stomach and bury my face into the comforter. A quick nap can’t hurt. I plan to get drunk tonight; it’s my birthday party, after all.

  My phone dings again, and I almost think about ignoring it, but I find myself reaching out for it. I smile when I see it’s a text from Ashlyn.

  Ashlyn: I just had a man give me a full body massage. You need to up your game.

  What the fuck …? Then it hits me, and I laugh.

  Me: I’ll remember that next time I see you. I’ll make sure to bring the lotion.

  Ashlyn: I prefer oil.

  Me: So demanding.

  Ashlyn: No, I just know what I like.

  I go to respond, but she does before I can.

  Ashlyn: If I didn’t tell you already, thanks for my spa day. I am being pampered, and they are serving me alcohol. I’ll make sure to return the favor tonight.

  I look at her message with a smile and decide I need to get out of bed and do some shopping today.

  ASHLYN

  “Ash, you ready?”

  “Almost,” I call out as Becca opens my bedroom door. I spoke to Ryder earlier after Milton had picked Becca and me up at the spa; he said he would just meet us at the party tonight.

  “Damn, girl. You look hot,” she says as she enters my room.

  I turn to face her and smile. “Look at you! Sexy,” I say as she twirls around. She wears an off-white halter dress. She has her dark hair in big curls with her layered bangs pulled up in a silver clip.

  “Do you think it’s too much?” she asks.

  “What? Not at all. It’s perfect,” I say honestly. She’s like a whole new person. She’s always laughing. Smiling. I think even she has realized how much Conner brought her down.

  She giggles. “Thank you.” Her phone dings, and she pulls it out of her bag. She reads it with a smile on her face.

  “Is that Jaycent?” I ask being the nosy friend.

  “Maybe,” she says, placing the phone to her chest. “We’d better get going,” she says, changing the subject.

  I walk over to my nightstand and grab Ryder’s present out of the top drawer and place it in my clutch. “I’m ready.”

  We make our way down to the front door, and a black Escalade is waiting for us curbside. “Milton?” I ask Becca with a smile.

  “No, this is Rohnny. He’s worked for my family for as long as I can remember.”

  A man with jet-black curly hair gets out and makes his way around to the back of the door. He smiles brightly at us, making his skin wrinkle around his brown eyes. “Good evening, ladies.”

  Becca introduces me to the man named Rohnny and then he asks. “Who is ready to party?” He shakes his hips back and forth with a smile.

  “I am,” I say excitedly. I’ve actually been looking forward to this since Ryder asked me. I wanna have some shots. Maybe dance and just enjoy myself. I’m not the kind of girl who likes to stay cooped up at home. I like to get out, meet new people, and just have fun. Today has been the best day. I had a little man by the name of Ricco massage my entire body. I then had a woman by the name of Sileen put mud on my face while another woman did my nails and another did my toes. I sat in a sauna and sweated all the toxins out and had my hair blow-dried along with my makeup done. All I had to do was come home and get dressed.

  As Rohnny drives us away from the city, I turn to Becca. “Where is the party at?” Like everything else, I never asked. I just assumed it would be at a club. She told me to wear clubwear, after all.

  “It’s on Ryder’s boat.”

  I was not expecting that. “A boat?” I ask surprised.

  “Yes. It was his present to himself from himself.” She rolls her eyes. “Ryder is all about luxury things. He’s like my parents.”

  I try not to cringe at how she says that. I wanna say he’s not like them. That he shows compassion and that he has love to give, but I don’t. Instead, I say, “Well, now I feel stupid for what I got him.”

  She turns to look at me a shy smile on her face. “He’ll love it.”

  “That sounded more like a question than a statement,” I say, laughing.

  “It was a statement,” she assures me, and I brush it off. If he doesn’t like it, then oh well. What do you buy a man who buys himself a boat? The answer—something you can afford.

  “Just what are we gonna do on this boat? I hate to be such a girl, but if we take it on the water, the wind will totally destroy my hair.”

  Becca and Rohnny laugh. “I’m serious. Genice spent a lot of time on it today,” I say, reaching up and touching the bump she gave me. I opted for the straight look, but she teased it at the crown and put this awesome product in it that made it actually stay. I have quite a bit of hair; it’s long and thick, so usually, it falls after twenty minutes. It’s been going strong for three hours now.

  “Trust me; it will be okay,” Becca assures me as she pats my leg.

  Thirty minutes later, we pull up to the Westside Docks, and the Escalade comes to a stop. “Here we are, ladies.” Rohnny gets out of the SUV and opens the door for us.

  “Thank you,” we both say as he closes the door behind us.

  “You’re welcome. Have fun, and I’ll be back in the morning.”

  “Morning?” I ask, looking at her. “I didn’t know we were staying the night. Where are we gonna sleep?” I didn’t bring an overnight bag.

  “On the boat,” she says in her duh voice.

  I follow Becca because I don’t have a freaking clue where we’re going.

  We make our way down the dock and turn right at the end. I look in awe at all the boats parked in the slips. She comes to a stop in front of a boat and starts to walk up the wooden ramp.

  “Whoa,” I say, looking up at the big massive yacht. “Is this Ryder’s boat?” I’m pretty sure that’s what she had called this massive thing.

  “Yep,” she responds with laughter. “I told you. He likes the luxury things.”

  “Becca, this is a yacht,” I say in awe, and she laughs at me as she continues to leave me behind and walks up the wooden ramp.

  I look at the white and black yacht. It looks to be three stories, maybe four. Its front comes to a sharp point, and it reminds me
of something you would see in a James Bond movie; he would be driving while he wines and dines his conquests. Its windows are narrow but long. They’re as black as the boat as if he’s had them tinted. There’s a couple of big satellites on the top and a platform that if I had to guess would be for a helicopter.

  I look back at the wooden walkway and realize Becca is no longer on it. Walking up to it, I hang onto the rope for support, making sure I don’t fall down or stumble off the side of my heels and fall into the water. That would be one way to enter a party. Wet and embarrassed.

  A crowd of people stand at the top of the wooden walkway. The two men look me up and down, and the three women don’t give me the time of day. I sigh. I’m gonna be spending a lot of time on my own at this party. I’m sure Becca will be hiding out with Jaycent, so Ryder won’t see them, and Ryder will be with his guests, entertaining them.

  I look to the right and then to the left. I decide to go to the back of the boat. Looks like fewer people.

  I look down at the light wooden deck. My black heels clap as I come up to the back railing. I look down at the water. I’m not sure if Ryder plans to take this baby out for a spin or if we’re just gonna party while docked, but either way, I just wanna watch the water for now. It’s calm. So calm that it looks like blue glass. The sun is still up, and I look out to the right and see nothing but water. I wonder what it would be like to look around and be completely surrounded by the ocean. Leave the land behind.

  “You look too beautiful to be all alone.”

  I smile as I hear that familiar voice coming up behind me. I turn around and see Ryder standing a couple of feet from me dressed in white slacks and a black button up. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, and a skinny black tie is around his neck. I smile because he looks just like the water; beautiful and deadly. He’s dangerous. He’s exactly the kind of guy you can’t help but fall for even though you know you shouldn’t. It’s only been three weeks, and I’m already starting to drown. “You look too handsome to be alone,” I counter.