Selfish

by Shantel Tessier

  “Ryder, please. Let me explain,” I say, trying to catch my breath.

  “What’s there to explain?” he asks flatly as he pockets his phone and looks up to count the floors as we fall.

  I suck in another deep breath. “I didn’t—”

  “You know; it doesn’t matter what you have to say,” he interrupts me. “I get it.”

  “You don’t,” I say defensively. Why do I feel like shit? Why do I feel like Bradley coming here was a mistake? I know why! It’s because I have fallen for Ryder. I go to open my mouth to tell him that, but I don’t get the chance.

  “Save it,” he says, still refusing to look at me. “I get it, Ashlyn. He’s your best friend. That you fuck.” I cringe. He makes it sound so dirty.

  Just tell him! I swallow the lump that’s in my throat. “He is my best friend, but …”

  “You guys are different.” He throws my words back at me. “You’ve said that.” He nods once still unable to look at me.

  I can feel the heat radiating off him, and I reach up to touch him. I feel his body tense under my hand, and I just want to hug him. Kiss him. Tell him he’s the one I want, but would he understand? What he saw and what I say are two very different things.

  The elevator dings and the mirrored doors slide open. My chest tightens. I’m running out of time. I follow him out, looking like I just crawled out of bed while he is dressed casually and still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I follow him through the lobby, trying to think of what to say. How to explain myself when I’m not even sure what is going on or how to process it.

  As we come up to the doors, I get desperate. I reach out and grab his arm and yank him to a stop. His muscles tense beneath my hand. He spins around, and his dark green eyes harden as they look down into mine. “Why are you down here, Ashlyn?” he snaps, and his voice echoes through the lobby.

  I cringe at the force behind his voice. “I want to apologize.” For what? I did nothing wrong. But didn’t I? It feels wrong. So, so wrong.

  He yanks his arm out of my hold. “No need to apologize for who you are.” Ouch!

  I wrap my arms around myself, feeling cold. I want his warm hands on me. I want him to reach up and touch my cheek like he always does. “What does that mean?” I whisper as my throat closes on me.

  I search his face for any sign of hope. He smashes it with just three words.

  “Just a fuck!” he states carelessly, turns around, and walks out the glass double doors.

  I stand there, hugging myself as I watch him pull out his phone while walking down the stairs of the building. Tears threaten my eyes and I try to even my breathing to slow my heart rate. I stand there for I don’t know how long as people watch me. But I don’t care about them. All I care about is Ryder. I’m not that girl. The girl who cheats. The girl who plays men. I make myself very clear what I want and what I’m willing to give, but Ryder was different. Is different. He makes me feel something that no other man has ever made me feel.

  I swallow the lump in my throat as I watch his black SUV pull up to the curb, and he climbs in, not even bothering to look back. Lightning fills the dark night and then I hear thunder in the distance as the Escalade drives off.

  I drop my head, turn around, and make my way back to my apartment with my mind running a million different directions. I’m pissed; at him, at myself, and at Bradley. But it doesn’t matter how I spin it, it’s my fault. I got involved with Ryder. I should have never slept with him again after I found out he was Becca’s brother. But the sex was just too good to pass up. And then the picnic he set up. Then our night on his boat. It’s all just too much. And every fucking day we have spent together. Every one of them means something to me.

  I step off the elevator and into our apartment. Becca and Bradley still stand in the kitchen, but now, Jaycent has joined them. Thank God, Ryder didn’t see him getting dressed in Becca’s room. That would have been an entirely different shit storm.

  “What was that about?” Bradley asks as his brown eyes narrow just a bit.

  Jaycent and Becca start to pretend there’s something interesting to look at on the ceiling.

  “I don’t wanna talk about it,” I mumble as I make my way back to the bedroom. I want a hot shower and then a cup of coffee. Maybe I’ll add some Kahlua to it. It’s Sunday, after all.

  I walk into my bedroom and shut the door. It opens immediately as Bradley enters behind me. “Well, I wanna talk about it,” he states.

  Harry meows as he jumps onto my bed and plops down on my pillow in his black and white sweater my grandmother made him. “Not now,” I say, not bothering to turn around and look at him.

  “Yes, now,” he says, and I can hear it in his voice that he’s getting pissed. That he thinks I’m hiding something from him.

  I spin around and face him. “Why does it matter?” I snap. The man I want to talk to is ignoring me. The one I don’t want to talk to me won’t let it go.

  “Because that man just acted like you belonged to him, and he didn’t like the fact that you were half dressed and called me babe,” he snaps back. I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “Have you been fucking him, Ashlyn?” he demands, coming right out and asking.

  I feel my stomach drop. Just the way he asks makes me feel like I’ve betrayed him, but I haven’t. We aren’t exclusive. He’s just my friend. “Yes,” I say honestly. I’ve never been known as I liar.

  He stands there, his dark brown eyes staring down at me. They look at me with disgust and anger. “When?”

  “When what?”

  “When did you first sleep with him?” he shouts, fisting his hands down by his side.

  “In Panama City,” I whisper.

  He turns giving me his back and runs a hand through his blond hair. “I can’t believe this,” he hisses.

  “And why not?” I snap. Bradley has never acted this way before towards me. “What’s so wrong with me sleeping with him?” I ask, my voice rising.

  “Why not?” he growls, turning back to face me. “That is Becca’s brother.”

  “I didn’t know that.” Then.

  “So you’re saying that you stopped sleeping with him after you found out who he was?” he asks, his eyes looking me up and down once and his lip pulling back in disgust.

  I bite my bottom lip, and he laughs out loud as if I’m crazy. “Unbelievable,” he mutters.

  “Are you judging me?” I demand. “Because you slept with a woman that same weekend.”

  His eyes widen as he stares down at me, and he lets out a long sigh. “Are you that fucking blind?”

  “Excuse me?” I snap.

  He takes a step toward me and places his hands on either side of my face. They’re cold, and nothing like what Ryder’s feel like when he touches me. “I’m not judging you,” he says, his voice softening.

  “Then what are you doing?”

  His brown eyes soften, and his shoulders slump. “Come back to Seattle,” he says, changing the subject.

  I pull away from him. “Will you stop with Seattle? I live here now, Bradley,” I growl.

  “But I don’t,” he states.

  “What is your point?” I snap, wanting to get this over with. My head is pounding. My chest hurting.

  “My point is haven’t you ever missed something so bad that you can’t eat or sleep?” I do, but it’s not him. It’s for the man who just walked away from me. “Because I can’t, princess.” He reaches up and runs the back of his knuckles over my cheek. They feel foreign. At one time, they would have made me weak in the knees, but they’re not Ryder’s soft, warm hands. “I miss you, babe. So much. That I can’t live another day without you with me.”

  “Bradley,” I whisper, still trying to understand what is going on here. We don’t talk this way. We joke with one another. We fuck. That’s what we do.

  He lowers his lips down to mine, and before they touch, he whispers against them. “I love you, Ashlyn. I love you more than another man possibly could. I’m begging you to
come home with me and let me prove it to you.”

  I stare up at him, wide-eyed and my heart racing. I love you? We say I love you but not like that. Not like we can’t live without the other.

  I don’t have butterflies in my stomach or goose bumps from the result of excitement like people explain how love feels. Instead, I’m breathing heavy, and my heart is pounding because I realize what just happened. I just lost my best friend.

  “Why, Bradley?” I ask as I pull away from him.

  His hand drops to his side, and he swallows nervously. Because he knows too. “Why what?”

  “Why did you say that?” I ask, my voice shaking.

  “How can you not?” he counters. “We’ve been best friends for three years, Ashlyn.”

  “Yes. Friends,” I say as I feel my body start to shake to match my voice.

  “Are you saying after three years, that’s all you see me as?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

  “Yes, Bradley,” I say truthfully and take a step to him. I grab his right hand and squeeze it. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t plan on us being anything else.”

  He gently pulls his hand from mine as he nods his head. He can’t look me in the eyes now. “I see.” He turns around, giving me his back. Bending down, he picks up his still packed bags off my bedroom floor and walks out of my room.

  “Bradley?” I call out as I follow after him through the apartment. I pay little attention to Jaycent and Becca making out in the kitchen. “Where are you going?” I can’t help but ask him even though I already know.

  He comes to a stop at the door and grabs the handle before he turns his body to look at me. His brows pull together, and I see the sadness in his eyes. “I just told you that I love you, and you tell me that I’m just your friend and you ask where I’m going,” he says it slowly as if he’s trying to understand what is happening too.

  I swallow. “Bradley. I don’t wanna lose you,” I say truthfully.

  He looks away from me, and his jaw sharpens as if I’m being selfish and wanting too much. “And I didn’t wanna just be your friend. But we can’t all get what we want.” Then he turns around and walks out, shutting the door softly behind him.

  I stand there, once again trying to figure out what is happening. How two men just left me.

  “That was awkward,” I hear Jaycent mumble before Becca rams her elbow into his stomach, making him cough.

  I turn around, letting out a long breath and walking to my bedroom. Screw the coffee. I want a bath, and then I wanna sleep. This day has got to end. I enter my room and shut the door, leaning my body against it. I let out a long breath, blowing loose strands of my blond hair around. “How did this happen?” I ask myself.

  Where did I mess up? How did I …?

  “Ashlyn?” I hear Becca’s soft voice and then a knock on my door.

  I quickly wipe my eyes; the tears haven’t fallen yet, but they’re threatening to. I turn and open the door. I look into her dark green eyes, and they remind me of Ryder’s. My chest tightens at the way they would look at me. Like I was the only woman in the room. “May I come in?” she asks.

  I step out of the way and open the door all the way for her. She sits on the end of my messy bed, and I shut the door. I stay where I’m at. “Are you okay?”

  I think about that question. Am I okay? No, I’m not. I just lost one of my best friends and a man that … I was falling for? “I’m confused,” I admit softly.

  “What happened?” she asks.

  I look down at Ryder’s shirt that I’m wearing and sigh. “I don’t know. I tried to explain to Ryder that nothing happened between Bradley and me, but he wouldn’t even hear it.” Bradley showed up with Harry this afternoon after we got back from the yacht, and we passed out. He slept in the bed with me but nothing happened. We didn’t even kiss.

  “You hurt him,” she says simply.

  “Well, I’m hurt too,” I snap.

  She frowns. “Over Ryder or Bradley?”

  “Both,” I admit. “Bradley was supposed to be my best friend. We never had rules. We had an understanding. And Ryder … We broke every rule we made.”

  She smiles and places her hands in her lap. “I can talk to him for you.”

  I shake my head. “Don’t bother.” Her smile falls at my words. “He made his decision. Just like I made mine with Bradley. They’re both gone,” I say, my throat closing on me.

  “Stop!” she demands. “Stop talking like what you and Bradley had is the same thing that you have with my brother.”

  “I know it was different,” I all but shout.

  “Is,” she corrects me. “Quit talking like it’s over.”

  “He left.” Just saying the words out loud has the first tear dropping and my throat tightening. “He walked out.”

  “Go and chase him.”

  “I did that.” More tears fall. “Ryder didn’t wanna listen,” I yell.

  “Why are you yelling at me?” she demands.

  I run a hand through my hair, my shoulders slumping in defeat and suck in a ragged breath. “I’m sorry,” My voice is barely a whisper.

  “Don’t be sorry,” she says softly.

  “I …. I just want to be alone.” I gulp trying to clear the tightness in my throat.

  She gets up, walks over to me, pulling me into a hug and I sniff. “Just know that I’m here if you need to talk.”

  I nod. “Thank you.” Then walk into my bathroom, shutting the door behind me and draw a bath. Removing Ryder’s shirt, I toss it onto the floor in frustration. I saw the hurt in his eyes as he looked at me, he didn’t even realize it was his shirt from Panama. I grab my phone off the countertop, turning it on in the hopes of explaining myself. If he doesn’t want to talk to me at least I can make him understand with a text.

  Once it comes on I hear the instant ding notifying me I have a message. My heart beats faster and I smile realizing it’s from Ryder. As my eyes scan over it, my heart instantly shatters.

  Ryder: Come lay in bed with me.

  That was the message he was talking about. That’s what he sent me before he found out Bradley was here. My chest tightens. How could I be so stupid? Remembering what he told me that I was, just a fuck! Why were we both trying so hard for more? Why didn’t I leave it at that? This is the exact reason why I never wanted to do this with him. I didn’t want to cause someone pain. And if I’m being completely honest with myself, I never wanted to feel this way either.

  My chest feels like a vice grip is squeezing it to pieces now that I know nothing I say will make a difference.

  Just a fuck!

  His words stung. Whether or not they were true, I thought we had become more than that. So for him to throw those words at me, hurt more than I thought it could. No matter how much I wanted to push away from him, he had refused to let me. He had torn down all of the walls that I hadn’t realized were there. Looking down, I see the bracelet he gave me just last night and remove it quickly. Not wanting the reminder of how special and priceless he made me feel. Placing it on the side of the tub, the tears continue to flow down my cheeks. Trying to swallow the lump in my throat but it just grows to the point where I can’t breathe.

  I close my eyes, placing my hand on my chest. Sucking in a ragged breath, a sob threatens to break free. My eyes tighten as the tears fall faster and I lower myself into the water needing to wash them away. If no one sees them, then they aren’t real. I never wanted to be this girl, the one wrapped up in a man or cause drama. It all changed when I found Ryder; my Romeo. And what I thought was a love story, really is a tragedy after all.

  I just wanna disappear.

  Gasping for air, my body sinks deeper into the water and over my head. I no longer want to exist.

  Maybe you can’t have it all…

  THE END

  Coming Soon 2017: Selfless

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Shantel is a Texas-born girl who now lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma with her high school sweetheart, who is a won
derful, supportive husband and their five-year-old little princess. She loves to spend time cuddled up on the couch with a good book.

  She is the Amazon Bestselling author of the Undescribable series and is currently working on her fourth book Unforgettable, which is set to release September 23rd. She considers herself extremely lucky to get to be a stay at home wife and mother. Going to concerts and the movies are just a few of her favorite things to do. She hates coffee but loves wine. She and her husband are both huge football fans, college and NFL. And she has to feed her high heel addiction by shopping for shoes weekly.

  Although she has a passion for writing, her family is most important to her. She loves spending evenings at home with her husband and daughter, along with their cat and dog.

  For more information about the author and her books, visit:

  To contact Shantel Tessier:

  Email: ShantelTessierauthor@gmail.com

  Website: shanteltessierauthor.com

  Facebook: @ShantelTessierAuthor

  Other books by Shantel Tessier

  The UN Series:

  Undescribable

  Unbearable

  Uncontrollable

  Unforgettable

  Unchangeable

  Unforeseen

  Unpredictable

  Unimaginable

  Seven Deadly Sins Series:

  Addiction

  Obsession

  Confession coming soon

  Standalones:

  DASH

  All books are available for free in KU

  Playlist

  “Never Stop (wedding version)” by Safesuit

  “Anywhere But Here” by Safesuit

  “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors

  “Stand By You” Rachel Platten