“I’m kind of freaking out, man.” He aims his unblinking eyes at me and waits for me to say something reassuring about this whole thing, but I can’t. Not this time. I don’t have the answer he wants to hear.
“I know,” I mutter, twisting my ring on my finger. “This is all we can do for now.”
A whole range of situations and outcomes runs through my head, number one being not having Lily like we have her now—safe with us.
He nods. Leaning forward, he inhales a deep breath as he stares down at the floor, clenching his head between his hands. He pulls his eyes from the floor and looks directly at me. “Four fucking years?” he hisses. “He thinks he can come back and snatch her, whisk her away like nothing connects her here. He’s not going to rip her away from us, Bro. There’s no fucking way.”
We both stare at each other; his eyes a chaotic and dark mixture of fear and ire. I’m pretty sure mine reflect the identical emotions. I need to be in control, even though every ounce of me is scared. I’ve read my share of custody cases, and I have to say it could go either way for us. I’m hoping Mr. Trent has something in his back pocket that can sway this in our favor if it comes down to it in court.
“I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep things the way they are.”
“We…we will.” Micah glances out the window, as determination flashes across his face.
I smile at Micah’s emphatic response despite the fucked-up road that lies ahead. Then from the side of the room, a man boasting a self-confident smile walks toward us in a pinstriped gray suit with a dark gray silk tie. His green eyes flash with intelligence and seriousness. He’s tall with broad shoulders, his black hair is graying at the temples, and there’s a hint of stubble on his lined face. Seeing him relaxes me.
We rise from our chairs, and he introduces himself as Brandon Trent. He wastes no time and leads us down a white marbled hallway with gray walls covered with expensive artwork and various black and white prints of New York City. He opens a set of thick double doors at the end hallway and steps ahead of us into his spacious corner office that resembles a room from one of those architecture catalogs for the rich and famous.
It’s decorated with dark oak furniture, plush leather wingback chairs, and shelves bursting with law books. Late afternoon sunlight shines through the shiny floor-length windows that allow for an impressive view of New York City. How you get anything accomplished with a view like that is beyond me. Instead of sitting behind his imposing desk, he ushers us to a conference table.
“Please.” Mr. Trent gestures with a flick of his hand for Micah and me to sit down. He removes his suit jacket and drapes it over his chair and grabs a pad of paper from his desk. He takes the seat across from us and clears his throat as he pushes his chair in. He loosens his tie and adjusts the expensive looking silver toned watch on his wrist before picking up his pen.
“So, tell me more about your situation. All I have here is a custody case, a four-year-old girl.” He glances at the few lines of notes scribbled on his yellow legal pad before raising his eyes to Micah and me. He taps his expensive gold pen a couple of times on his pad and leans back in his chair.
Where the fuck do I begin? In this moment I feel absolutely lost and afraid.
I nod, inhale a deep breath, and for the next fifteen minutes, my words pour out of me quickly while my heart thrums just as fast. Micah and I alternate telling him everything while he writes two pages of notes. Is that enough? Should he be taking more? Shit. You can damn near write a book. Maybe he knows shorthand? Isn’t that for secretaries? Fuck, my mind is on overdrive. I’m definitely going to need a few drinks after this. Or maybe not. I can’t be seen as irresponsible and jeopardize my chances of legally adopting Lily.
When I finish, I lean back and take a sip of water, waiting for his feedback, the bad news or the good news. Anything. Brandon scrawls a few more sentences onto his legal pad. A half-minute goes by before he speaks.
“Well, you have a strong case. Considering that you and your brother are here, your family has supported her since birth.”
“Well, what can you do?” Micah asks. “Do you want to take the case?”
“My retainer, Mr. Marks, is ten thousand dollars.” He lifts his eyebrows, waiting for my reaction. “I know it’s a large chunk of money.”
“I don’t care about the money. I knew that before I came here. My niece means everything to me. More than any retainer fee.”
“We’ll do whatever it takes,” Micah replies.
“Okay. So, I just want to be clear on what I offer you,” he says as he flips open a file in front of him. “First, you need to petition the court as to why you feel you are the best option for Lily. Once you file the petition with the appropriate allegations, there’s a waiting period of approximately three to four weeks before the case is set down for its first return date. Do you understand this?” he asks, placing his hands under his chin.
“Yes, I sent the petition out weeks ago.” I nod my head okay, observing Micah who leans back in his chair and releases a long, stressful breath.
“Good. You should get a letter in the next few days if that’s the case. On the first appearance, the judge will try to establish what has taken place in the past with the child and institute a temporary order of custody to ensure the child is safe.”
“Lily belongs—” I blurt out.
Brandon raises his hand to silence me as the fury rises thinking of Lily with anyone other than my family and me.
“Just let me finish.”
“Go ahead,” I say with my brows drawn down as I roll my neck, rubbing the blossoming tension from my muscles with my hand.
“The judge’s most important consideration is making sure the child is safe and no radical changes are being imposed on him or her, unless clearly warranted. Another thing, there’s a great deal of difference if the parties show up represented by attorneys on the first appearance date. In that event, the other attorney and I will discuss matters with each other, and the judge may also appoint a law guardian.”
“What the hell is a ‘law guardian’?” Micah leans forward, placing his calloused hands in front of him.
“Law guardians are no different from me or the other attorney for the other party. The law guardian has a dual responsibility, which is to represent what they think is the child’s best interest and advise the court and advocate for what the child wants. They’re an impartial investigator who’s looking only for the child’s best interest.”
“We have Lily’s best interest.” I raise my voice slightly in agitation.
“I understand how you feel,” he answers in a sympathetic tone, “but the law guardian is pivotal, an impartial advisor to the court and provides the judge with critical information regarding the case. We’ll get into that after the law guardian meets with Lily. Let’s get through the first hearing and see where things go. Hopefully, the father will not make this harder than it has to be. If he does want to fight this, a second appearance will be scheduled. Assuming there is controversy at this hearing, the judge will ask the law guardian about investigations that have been undertaken and what the law guardian has found out. The judge will give both attorneys a lengthy opportunity to discuss the matter and then make a decision about what the custodial arrangement will be during the length of the pre-trial proceedings until the trial.”
I can’t stop the violent storm that that roils inside me knowing that Cole plans to throw our lives into chaos to get Lily. Tensing, I realize how clueless and how unpredictable the situation will become and that I have no control on what happens to Lily now. Lily’s peaceful and structured world will shatter, and it will kill me inside.
I peer over at Micah, as he clenches and unclenches his fists. I know he’s thinking the same thing.
I then toss my gaze over to Brandon. My heart crashes into my ribcage witnessing the look of empathy in his eyes that reminds me of the way my dad used to look at me with warmth and understanding. He’s seen this situation many
times in his career, but he gives me no indication, reassurance, or words of encouragement. I can’t stop the hollowness I feel in my chest when I think of Lily. I feel that no matter what steps we take or how many law books we flip through, the Foster brothers are going to battle for Lily.
I’ve been staring at this photo of Meadow on her twenty-sixth birthday for about five minutes, missing her sarcasm, her wit, her smile, and the sweet sound of her voice when she used to sing and speak. Replacing the picture on my desk, I try to concentrate on finishing up on scheduling and confirming some last-minute appointments when my office phone rings. I should close up shop an hour early. I’ve been useless all day and not in the mood to take another call, but I answer anyway.
“Marks Service Techs.”
“Hey.”
Fucking shit. I almost snap at the sound of Cole’s voice.
Bewildered, I hiss, “What the hell do you want?”
Sweat trickles down my temples onto the collar of my shirt, and I feel a knot form in my stomach. It’s been a long time since I had to deal with this kind of shit in my life, but it is what it is, and I just have to trudge through it, and hopefully at the end, I will be content with the results, whatever they may be.
“As a business owner, you shouldn’t respond to your customers this way.”
“I don’t have time to entertain your bullshit, right now or fucking at all.”
“I see that your hot little friend was asking twenty questions at the bar the other night.” Cole chuckles wryly as my heart pounds in my chest.
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”I try to hide the worry in my voice. I do know, but since we visited the lawyer a week ago, we’ve been so backed up at work I haven’t had a chance to talk to Dana about this. It completely slipped my mind, but now that he’s jogged my memory, getting in touch with Dana is a priority.
“I don’t have time for games, and I don’t think you do either, so let me give it to you straight.” The sudden seriousness in his voice catches me off guard and turns the knot in my stomach to ice. “I got the petition you filed, and we’re going to court. I want Lily. We want Lily because she needs her real family. Her real daddy. We’ll be in court to fight this out.”
“You asshole,” I growl. Pushing off my chair, I stalk to the open window, and glare out over the busy street. “I knew it, but I didn’t want to believe it.”
“Do you blame me?” he asks, his voice rising.
“Yeah, I fucking blame you! I blame you for being a deadbeat dad and abandoning Lily, for leaving my sister, and for not showing up until now!”
“I’m sorry, man, but she...she’s mine, and I hope you got yourself a good lawyer.”
“Why the fuck are you doing this now? You know this will destroy her.”
“She needs to know who her father is. You know that.” He clears his throat, and the silence weighs heavy as I clutch the phone in my hands. “There’s one more thing I have to tell you.”
“What the fuck is it? What more bullshit bad news have you got for me?”
“I don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but your sister...she wasn’t faithful.”
The words drop like dead weight.
What the fuck? Why is he telling me this shit?
I grimace. “What are you talking about?”
“She wasn’t just with me.”
“You fucking prick.” I hiss, at what he’s insinuating.
“Hey, I’m telling you the truth. That’s how it was between us. You don’t know a lot of things about your sister. Did she ever tell you the reason why I left her? This is it,” he stresses. “She wasn’t fucking faithful.”
“Dude, I don’t want to sit on the phone and listen to you tell me my sister was sleeping around.”
Why would she do that? I don’t want to picture my sister in this light. Was she confused and unsure of Cole?
“She was, and right now, I’m going on the assumption that I’m the father.”
“So who? Who was she with besides you?” In all the times I spent with Meadow, not once did she say anything. “Who else is there?”” I force out again, shocked at this new piece of information.
What the fuck does he think this is? A fucking game? The seconds that pass feel like hours as I hold my breath in anticipation of his answer.
“My brother.”
I drive across town, my heart numb and my hands cold from shock. I need to spend time with Lily. I don’t know if Cole is actually telling me the truth about my sister. I turn down the street in a daze, thinking back and trying to figure out why Meadow wouldn’t say anything to me. I’m having a hard time thinking of my sister this way, but I do recall times when she would come over and talk about how life would be with the one person you can’t have. I can relate to that. Who did she want that was unattainable? I never paid attention to her comments; she was a diehard romantic. I wish I had listened to her more during those times. Perhaps I would have learned more about her, and in turn, she would have opened up to me. Now, it seems my sister’s life is more of a mystery to me.
There’s always another side to a person, something hidden, something dark. I didn’t always open up to anyone about my relationships, so I can’t fault her for keeping this from me. Some things are meant to be dealt with alone, but I would be lying if I didn’t say this shocks me to my core.
I pull up in the driveway and drop my head in my hands and grind my teeth, fighting the urge to break something or to hurt somebody.
Keep it together.
I hop out of the truck and check the mailbox. I get the dreaded piece of mail, rip open the letter, and read through it. I don’t feel a damn thing. I can’t. Even after visiting with the lawyer and getting the fucking phone call from Cole, the situation with Lily truly hasn’t sunk in yet.
I smile and my ears perk up. All the damaging, violent thoughts disappear when I hear her tiny, sweet voice. I shove the letter into my pocket and lift my eyes to my niece who’s standing on the front porch holding her favorite doll.
“Yes, princess. I just had a bad day,” I say with a smile as I walk up the pathway.
“I can make it better.” She looks up at me with her sparkling blue eyes.
“You already have,” I say, scooping her little body into my arms and feeling my heart soar like a balloon. My life and all its problems seem to disappear with the sound of her voice and just knowing she is still here.
A rock solidifies in my gut with what has become of our marriage. Self-hate fills my mind, and I think about her and the shit I’ve done. I’m doing a stellar job at making a mockery of my marriage. Like a common thief, I stole Brie’s happiness without a second thought, leaving nothing behind but uncertainty.
Her expressive eyes are still beautiful, but they don’t sparkle like before, and I notice it. I caused it. I doused the flames in her eyes. She used to tell me I was her knight in shining armor; now I don’t know what I am to her. A man she lives with, not the same man that she married.
Cursing inwardly, I close my eyes and lean against the counter in the dark, hollow kitchen. It’s three in the morning as I pour my third glass of scotch. I can’t get back to sleep. New thoughts are distracting me. The case is taking a life of its own, and my life has become a field stuffed with land mines. I’m tiptoeing around my job, my mother, and my marriage. I’m lost, trapped in my head. Pondering, grasping for any good reason for why I’ve done what I’ve done.
What an asshole I am.
I should confess my stupid mistake.
How I was able to go through that party with Lisa there was a fucking Oscar-winning performance. How would it look if I didn’t invite her? Everyone in the office would wonder. Wouldn’t they, or is that my own paranoia? Thank God Lisa kept up the charade. I felt her fucking eyes on me all night. I don’t know how the hell I was able to do it myself. Having the woman in my house that I fucked only a few days ago meet my wife was like playing Russian roulette. I had to trust Lisa wouldn’t mouth a fucking word,
and I hope that Brie would be…Brie. Accommodating. She loves me, and she knows what my career means to me, and the last thing she would do is make a spectacle. It’s just not who she is.
Can she see the change in me, like I see the transformation in her?
My actions have changed me, but the change I see in Brie is from the unnecessary hurt I’ve caused her. If she found out about my infidelity, it would destroy her. She’d leave me. I wouldn’t expect her to stay, but I would plead my case just like a defendant in court. Fight tooth and nail to get her back. If this is the case, why have I done what I’ve done to begin with? Self-preservation maybe? I don’t know. I fucking can’t come up with a damn good answer to the question.
What if the tables were turned and she cheated on me? What would I do? I can’t even fully form the thought without seeing a fucking blazing inferno in front of my eyes. I’d beat the living shit out of the guy she was with, but would I stay? Would I be able to look at my wife the same way again?
The idea of another man’s hands on my wife makes rage simmer in my veins. The idea of losing her is something I can’t comprehend.
I down the glass of scotch in my hand and pour my fourth glass ten minutes later as I pace back and forth in the living room with the idea of Brie with another man stampeding through my mind. In the silence, I think about the courage she has shown throughout our marriage. She has managed to hold on to her optimism, though it may be slight. She tries for both of us. When I falter, she remains stalwart. How can I not love her for that? For everything? And here I stand in our home after breaking one of our marriage vows, wanting to ask her for her forgiveness.
An internal battle sparks in my head as I debate whether or not to ‘fess up to the things that paint my soul with a brush of shame and self-loathing.
Can we work through something like this? Can I live everyday that I spend with her with my dirty secret?
Fuck. I can’t tell her. It would kill her.
“Shit, it’s going to be okay,” I mumble, putting down the glass and running my hands over my hair before picking it back up and finishing it off. “You’ve been through worse. Hell and fucking back. You...we can work through this. Somehow.”
Love Is Louder Page 24