Love Is Louder

by Antoinette Candela

  “No, I’m...” I start to speak, but she blinks her brown eyes up at me and places her delicate finger over my lips and smiles. My pulse stutters, and she steals a little bit more of me in this moment.

  “It’s not fair of me to ask you that since it’s the one question I can’t answer for myself.”

  The words seem to come from somewhere deep within her, revealing the fear she’s withholding. She stares up at me, flawless as the rain starts to kiss the skin on her face. The scent of her mixed with the summer rain overwhelms me.

  “You’re getting wet.” I grab her hand. We scurry up the sidewalk, and when she stumbles into me, her sweet laughter soothes my heart and my soul. It’s a sensation that’s been lost for some time, and it feels good to feel it all over again. Fumbling with the slippery keys like an idiot, I unlock my front door after a couple of failed attempts. As I peer at her through my wet hair, she clutches her arms across her chest as worry flashes in her eyes. I understand her hesitation and smile while holding the door open to let her pass into my home.

  “Thank you for being there for me,” she murmurs as she steps past me as I close the door, watching as she stands awkwardly in the living room. “This was a mistake.”

  It stings hearing her say that, and I find it hard to hide the disappointment in my face. I want to reassure her that it’s not, and I’m in front of her in seconds. Tentatively at first, I lift my hand and bring it close to her face. When I’m sure she won’t protest, I cup her cheek and stare into her eyes.

  “I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll take you home. I want whatever you want,” I say.

  “Mason, why did he do it?” Her question comes out in a helpless whimper, her body trembling.

  I move closer, wrapping my arms around her body and pulling her against my chest.

  “I don’t know.” I kiss the top of her head, holding her closer. “I don’t know.”

  Pausing, she looks up at me, her gaze wandering my face as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. We stand there, frozen, the world spinning around us, waiting for the other to move. The moment stretches for too long. I suck in a breath when her eyes land on mine.

  She whispers in a tiny voice, “I like it when you do that.”

  My head tilts to the side. “Do what?”

  She looks away and pulls her top lip between her teeth before her eyes settle back on my face.

  “When you tuck my hair behind my ear. It’s the soft, sweet touches that, until you have them, you didn’t realize you needed them.”

  This is so fucking dangerous. She’s making it harder and harder to resist her. I attempt to shake off the instinctive response my body has to take what I can’t have. Lust is as dangerous as love.

  “I’m here. For you. You’re never alone. Remember that,” I speak through my thoughts.

  I mean every damn word.

  She looks up at me as if she’s contemplating who I am, and I feel her warmth radiating across my face in confused waves. This beautiful woman is hurting, and all I want to do is be here for her. My eyes wander from the curved line of her jaw and down to her lips, and at that same moment, she takes my face in her hands.

  “Don’t move, please.” She pulls me down so that her sweet breath hovers over my lips. “I...I need to know...”

  “Brie,” I say in a raspy whisper as her lips float over mine.

  “No, please, I’ve wanted to kiss your lips since the first time I met you.”

  I stand unmoving, fighting between pulling away and pulling her against me, but I don’t have to do anything. She initiates it. When her lips touch mine, she detonates a time bomb of buried emotions, and my heart thrashes against my chest wall. It takes all my resolve to contain the wild impulses flowing within me. Closing my eyes, I struggle to make sense of what’s happening, even though I’ve wanted this for quite some time.

  Following her lead, my hands find their way to her neck, and I pull her flush against me. Restraining myself as best as humanly possible, I kiss her softly and slowly. She returns my gentle kiss with intensity, pressing her body into mine. My breath fights to keep up with the firestorm of desire building in my body that she incites. A tremor rolls through her body when our tongues meet, gently moving together as we taste each other. Her hands shake against my neck as they make their way into my hair and leave a trail of heat. I slide my lips to her chin and then slowly to her jaw and release a deep moan, which she answers with one of her own.

  I desperately want to feel every inch of her skin against mine, but if we don’t stop now, I’ll end up hurting her even more by taking advantage of her in her fragile state. This is not the man I am. I can’t make myself do it, even though my cock is throbbing for her. I slow the kiss, bringing my hands to her face and resting my forehead against hers to catch my breath.

  “Mason.”

  Pull back.

  With steady hands, I pull her away from me. Her gaze locks with mine, churning with need as she sucks in a shallow breath. She’s been through so much, and I can tell she’s slowly unraveling in the moment. I need to be the glue, ignore my own body’s craving for her, and just hold her. I’m responsible for her right now. I’m the first one she reached out to when she was all alone. When the person she loved and married betrayed her. I won’t let her down like James has done. I will be there for her.

  “Don’t, Brie. I don’t want you to regret this. What you do right now. Not with me.” My voice is overrun by my own lust. She stiffens as her gaze leaves mine, and she rests her cheek against my thrumming heart.

  “Will you hold me?” she whispers. “Just hold me.”

  Drawing in a deep breath, I clutch her to me and run my hands over her bare arms.

  “I’m here. I’ll hold you.”

  If you let me, I’ll protect you.

  I’m in too deep, and I’m not sure if I can turn away.

  What do I do now?

  Waking up with her lying peacefully next to me is heaven. I held her, felt her sobs, and wiped away the tears that fell as she slept. I’m furious that James would fuck up like this. It clearly shows me that he doesn’t deserve her. How can you profess to love someone and then do this?

  Did she ever see the real man in the time she’s been with him?

  As much as I want to stay with her and reassure her, I have to clear my head. Today is the day I face Cole and his brother for the first custody hearing regarding Lily, and I need to be one hundred percent present.

  I roll over and grab my phone to find text messages waiting for a reply from Dana and my family, but the only one I care about right now is the one from Brandon Trent, advising me to meet him in front of the courthouse in forty-five minutes. Careful not to wake Brie, I gently swing my feet over the bed, take a quick shower, and get dressed in a pair of black slacks, white dress shirt, and skinny black tie and suit jacket.

  Before leaving, I scribble a note letting Brie know she’s welcome to stay as long as she needs. I grab a spare key and leave it on the dresser beside the note. I don’t know if it’s too much too soon, but I’m the friend she turned to, so it can’t hurt to offer.

  Twenty minutes later, I pull in front of the courthouse, a four-story high Romanesque building with large pillars. Ivy is growing up one side of the building, and the grass in the courtyard is immaculately kept. Etched in stone on the front wall of the courthouse are the words “Truth, Justice, and Liberty.”

  I enter and find Micah, Cindy, and my mother having a conversation with Brandon Trent. Brandon turns to me, and I manage to nod my head in acknowledgment as he advises me on the courtroom proceedings.

  My nerves are livewires, and I flinch when my mom touches me. She pulls me aside, looking up at me with compassionate eyes.

  “Honey, things will be okay.”

  I stare at the ceiling, trying to erase all the negative thoughts, but it’s pretty fucking impossible when the possibility of Lily leaving us could be a possibility.

  “Yeah, tell that to the Foster brothers. They shou
ld have left this alone.” I drop my eyes to meet hers.

  “All of this was unexpected, but there was a slim chance he would come back, and he did. Deep down you knew this would happen,” she whispers.

  “Maybe, but he should leave well enough alone. Lily’s happy.”

  She sighs and smiles softly. “We’ve talked about this already. I believe they want what’s best for Lily, too. Don’t you want Lily to know her father?’“

  “Mom, I want a lot of things for Lily, but this is not one of them. She’s happy where she is. With us,” I grumble, staring past her. “Dammit, Mom. I don’t know how I feel about all of this.”

  “Let’s get through today,” she says, turning her attention to Micah and Cindy, who have joined the conversation. “See what the judge says.”

  “Things are going to change,” Micah warns with a serious look on his face. “We just have to be prepared.”

  “Thanks, Bro,” I hiss, annoyed that he destroyed any type of good vibe my mom tried to extend to me.

  “We can’t go in there thinking it’s going to be easy. I know it sucks to hear, but we have to be realistic about this. Put yourself in Cole’s shoes. Would you want to be kept away from your flesh and blood?”

  I hate to admit it, but the thought has crossed my mind a million times.

  “Let’s just get this over with. Standing here talking about the what-ifs is not helping right now.”

  When our case is called, Cindy grabs my hand as we trudge down a small hallway and enter the large courtroom where Cole and Caleb are already seated at the table with a young female lawyer waiting to do battle. The pressure in my chest tightens as we take our seats behind the table as a heavyset female judge with silver hair appears. Dejected and afraid, I focus on keeping my emotions in check as the hearing begins.

  At times, I have a hard time paying attention when the judge speaks since my eyes are pinned on Cole and his brother, but I manage to respond when called on, thanks to Micah nudging me under the table. The judge stops and reads several pieces of information presented by both lawyers. Both lawyers go back and forth, repeating themselves and asking the same question a few different ways for the next hour. Finally, they introduce the lawyer advocate appointed to meet with Lily since it is going to take more than one session to get the issue resolved.

  “Your Honor, my client has one more matter to address with the court,” Cole’s lawyer reveals as we are packing up.

  “Make this quick, Ms. Goodwin,” the judge demands, rustling some papers.

  “My client has just informed me of the possibility of another father.”

  My heart stops, and the blood flowing through my organs freezes. I throw my eyes in Cole’s direction and then at the judge who’s visibly irritated.

  “You had an hour to divulge this information. This changes so many things.”

  “Sorry, Your Honor. It slipped my client’s mind.”

  “Or perhaps, Ms. Goodwin, you didn’t ask enough questions,” she replies in disgust. “Do you have his name?”

  “Your Honor, the name of the possible father is James, James Fleming.”

  My fucking entire world just imploded. Confounded, I grip the arms of the chair and steal furious wisps of stale air.

  James Effin Fleming.

  I’m beyond pissed. I need a reprieve from all of this shit, but it only gets worse.

  What the fuck do I do with this news?

  Lowering my head, I rub my hands over my face and don’t hear another word spoken in the courtroom.

  My mind slowly recovers when we leave the courthouse. The only person I’m concerned about is Lily. This affects my life, but not as much as it will affect Lily’s and Brie’s. I have to tell Brie, but how the hell do I tell her that her husband may already be a father to my niece?

  The first things that greet me when I open my eyes are the hammering in my head and my strange surroundings. As I shoot up in the unfamiliar king-sized mahogany four-poster bed with Mason’s cologne lingering around me, snippets of the previous night come into focus. Closing my eyes, the memory of the kiss we shared, his breath against my lips, and how my skin hummed at his touch invade my mind. There was something intangible in his kiss—a repressed desire he fought off and I know his reasons.

  I’ve exposed my brokenness to him, something I haven’t done or shared with another man in a long time, and in turn, he’s given me what I’ve been missing. I never thought I’d find myself in another man’s home, let alone sleeping in his bed as a married woman. I don’t regret where I am. I haven’t been drawn to another man like I’ve been drawn to Mason, whom I barely know, but I trust him.

  A sliver of yearning and a pinch of guilt inhabited the same space. He feels that, too. I know it. I sensed him grappling with what was happening between us, his body tensing against mine, the difficulty he had letting me go. He’s aware of my struggle and that I was making a rash and possible destructive decision, and he chose to fight my advances.

  My brain throbs, trying to make sense of everything leading up to the events of last night, trying to figure out the truth from the lies. My eyes burn with the vision of my husband fucking another woman. My heart churns with rage and unhappiness, like fire and ice.

  This is all too much.

  James has destroyed my happiness and everything we should have together. I built my life around him.

  There is no winner in this.

  No kids. No marriage.

  I can’t focus or think about anything else.

  I have never been able to deal with the way my chest squeezes after it’s been broken. At this moment, I’m afraid there’s no heart left to break or repair. They say the best way to move on is to let go. I’ve tried that in the past, and it hurts even more, so much more.

  Anticipation buzzes through me as my eyes skitter across the room. Throwing myself out from the comfortable bed, I pull back the curtain and find no joy in the sun that streams through the window and warms my skin. I dig my fingers into my hair. I need a break from my racing thoughts, and I know the person to call.

  I anxiously pace around his bedroom, really taking in my surroundings. His room smells of him, and everything is in shades of blue, bringing a smile to my face even in my calamitous situation. I should be focusing on what to do about my marriage and my plans going forward, but the idea of it makes the pounding in my head more persistent.

  I spot a note with my name on it with a spare key sitting on Mason’s dresser. I don’t know what to make of it. I swallow back my pain, unfold the note and read it. My lungs tighten, and my fingers tremble while tracing over his words.

  He’s offering me his place and his friendship, but I’m not sure if I can accept his offer. Not so soon. His intentions are noble, but I’m still connected to a man who’s deceived me. My head is spinning. I want to forget and stop seeing James and Lisa during his moment of betrayal. I drop the note onto the dresser, and with bleary eyes, I locate my purse on the golden hardwood floor and take out my phone and dial Ava’s number. I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel trapped in my own hell.

  “Brie?” she answers before the first ring completes.

  At the sound of her voice, any emotion I was holding back breaks free. A strangled sound rips from my chest, and fresh tears start to fall as I brace the dresser for support.

  “Yes...it’s me.”

  “Where are you? Did you get any of my texts or voice mails?” Ava’s frantic voice brings me back down from my cloud of stinging pain. “James showed up here last night looking for you. He looked crazed.”

  I can’t speak. It’s become hard to breathe.

  “Brie, what’s wrong?” Ava pleads.

  I ignore her question and ask her a question of my own, because I want to know how badly James needed to see me and to know that he was and is truly concerned about me. Why I still care how he feels is something I can’t answer. Perhaps I want to know if he can hurt, if he can feel, and if there is something underneath his perfect, im
penetrable exterior.

  “What did he say?”

  “He wanted to know if I talked to you and if you were staying with me,” she replies, a strong note in her voice. “What’s going on between you two?”

  “Lisa…I…caught him...with Lisa,” I stutter as the phone shakes in my hand.

  There’s a short pause before she fumes, “The fucker cheated on you?”

  “Ava, please, I’m so confused. I can’t figure out anything right now.”

  “Okay. Calm down. Where are you?”

  Tears begin to well in my eyes as I swallow a huge lump in my throat. I need to clear my head, and being here at Mason’s place will thwart my progress, or will it? Could he be the one I need? My heart clamors. No, this is what happens when I suffer this kind of betrayal in a relationship. I don’t think things through. I’ll do something irrational that will only end up confusing and hurting me more. I need to leave.

  “I couldn’t get a hold of you, so I called Mason.”

  There’s a moment of quiet as Ava soaks it all in.

  “What? How? Wh—”

  “Please,” I cut her off. “Can you just pick me up? I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

  “I understand why you did it, and I don’t blame you,” she says softly.

  I don’t understand much of anything that has happened, only that my husband has become a complete stranger to me.

  “Thanks.”

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  After giving Ava Mason’s address, I hang up and reread the note. How can I stay here? I should have never called him, but whom else do I have? Is there something more I’m feeling? Is that why I reached out to him? Was I looking for a reason to see him again? Setting the key back onto the dresser, I fold the note and place it inside my purse and search for the bathroom to try to look presentable before Ava arrives.

  Fifteen minutes later, Ava pulls up. I slip my sunglasses over my bloodshot eyes and rush down the sidewalk while the warm sun soothes my chilled skin. I slide into her Mercedes, and when I peek over at her, lines crease her forehead.