If anything, that revealed her true state of mind: things were bad. Really bad, and she didn’t know how to change them. She didn’t know how to make any of this better. Not for herself or her daughter, or for the men she loved.
The thought, that feeling of impotence, pricked the bubble she’d been using to protect herself, and with it, came the release of emotions she’d done her damnedest to cage.
A keening sound escaped her, a sharp biting wail loaded with her agony. An agony she was sure she didn’t deserve to feel.
Gia hadn’t been the one to witness a violent rape; she hadn’t been the one teaching the Security Forces in the Middle East to successfully negotiate hostage situations. She hadn’t been in an IED explosion, and she hadn’t seen a small child being blown apart.
She didn’t deserve to cry. These tears were selfish, but that didn’t stem the flow. Like a baby, she rocked on her chair and pressed her fingers into her eyes to hide from the reality of what was happening here.
A reality she couldn’t change.
When Josh was stressed, she made sure everything was precise. From the creases on his trousers to the precise spaces between the stacked towels in the laundry cupboard.
For Luke, she’d made him comfort food. Overdosed him on sugar. Either that or she’d fucked him out of his funk.
At the moment, neither was possible.
He had hardly any appetite. She’d been killing herself in the kitchen, trying to make him something he’d enjoy. Every meal, he picked at his food.
And when she kissed him, he flinched.
Every. Damn. Time.
What was she supposed to do when her tried-and-tested methods of the past weren’t working? She kept trying to find other ways, but with each and every failure, she had to address that this wasn’t something she could fix. Gia had to come to terms with the fact that in this, she was useless, and how that admission hurt.
Burrowing her face into her palms, she sobbed out the pain and frustration of the last three weeks. The confusion and the hurt.
She knew Luke didn’t mean to cause her upset, but it still killed her when he flinched if she came too close. Or if she approached him without warning him first.
And then, when her shoulders began to shake, warm hands cupped the joints and spun her chair around. She pressed her face into Josh’s belly, glad he was here despite hating being a watering pot in front of him.
When he was Josh, crying was okay.
But at the moment, he was in brigadier general mode. That meant he was in his fatigues, and though they smelled of laundry detergent and that special softener she used only on the guys’ BDUs, he was still in work mode.
That didn’t stop her from sobbing, though. Nothing could stop these tears. They’d been caged for far too long and had needed release for months.
“Hush, baby, I’ll talk to him, I promise. I will.”
He murmured the words against her hair, and she felt him press kisses to the top of her head. Curling her arms about his hips, she pressed tightly into his embrace.
“I miss him,” she wailed. “He’s here, but not. And then, when I remember why, I feel so guilty. How do I have the right to feel like this, to be like this, when he went through what he did?”
He pressed another kiss to the crown of her head. “Because you’re human.”
“That doesn’t make it better,” she cried.
“Of course, it does, sweetheart. It’s the way it is. You don’t know what he’s been through, all you see is this guy who isn’t the guy you love. But you simply have to be patient.
“He knows who he is. He can feel the changes in him too, and he probably hates himself for upsetting you.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to him about the psychologist. If he understands how much you’re hurting, then that should be the trigger he needs.”
She leaned back, her mouth quivering as she looked up at him through tear-sore eyes. “I love him, Josh.”
“I know you do, honey. I love him too.”
“I hate that he’s hurting, and I can’t do anything to make it better.”
He bent down and touched his mouth to hers. “We’ll work through this.”
“How can we? He spends half his time avoiding us.”
“We have to be patient.”
She sucked in a shaky breath. Patient. How many times was she going to hear that? This was her being patient, only no one seemed to get that. That particular virtue wasn’t in her nature, but equally, it wasn’t like she had a choice.
Gia closed her eyes and nodded against his belly.
“What’s wrong?”
Luke’s voice appearing out of nowhere had her tensing, but she peered around his hips, in the space between arm and side, and murmured, “Nothing.” It was on the tip of her tongue to ask where he’d been and if he was okay, but he got angry when she asked the latter, and at the former, he grew cagey.
Both responses would have started the tears again, and so, she erred on the side of caution and kept her mouth shut.
“Bull. You’ve been crying.” Luke stepped into the room with a hesitance that disturbed her. Sometimes, it was like he was a stranger in his own house. Worse than that, his own family.
She remembered those early days when she’d been at the house thanks to being their surrogate. She’d crept around the place like a ghost, fearing to enter some rooms at the risk of invading the guys’ privacy, and not wanting to use some of their tech for fear of breaking it.
That he felt like that hurt her, deeply.
To the bone.
She had been a stranger back then. Luke was integral to their world. He had her heart. And Josh’s.
“How do you know I’ve been crying? Can’t a woman hug her husband?” she whispered, still eying him through that thin slit of space.
“It’s in your voice so don’t try to BS me. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, Luke. Gia’s tired, that’s all.”
Through the small gap, she watched as her wounded warrior frowned. “She’s doing too much.”
“I’ve told her we can hire a tutor, but she’s not ready for that yet.”
“She has a voice. And she knows how to use it.” The instant the words escaped her, she grimaced because she hadn’t exactly been doing that of late, had she?
Using her damn voice, she meant.
She’d kept quiet, tried to maintain the peace of the status quo. Was that the best thing to do? Or was she enabling Luke? Allowing him to wallow could do him harm yet raising sensitive topics might cause him distress.
It was a catch-22 situation that sucked megaballs—a term she’d learned in ‘Psychology 101’.
It wasn’t that Luke didn’t deserve to do whatever the hell he wanted, that he couldn’t react however he needed to; it was the fact she couldn’t see an out. They could go fifty feet deeper into the quagmire of his memories before they started to try to surface.
Four weeks wasn’t long. Logically, she knew that, but it felt as though a lifetime had passed. The man standing in front of her was not mentally healthy, and while she hadn’t spoken vows to him that were recognized by the law, she’d spoken her own kind and had meant them.
In sickness and in health, she’d promised to be there for him. Even if that meant she had to watch as he fought and lost to the demons battling in his head.
Gia pulled away from Josh. She wanted to cling. That was the natural instinct with him scowling down at her and Luke looking like he usually did at the minute—pissed off. Instead, she sat up straight and acted like the big girl she was. “I was crying over you, Luke.”
Josh’s tension transmitted itself to her. He rested his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “Gia, I don’t think this is the right time…”
She shook her head. “There’s no better time. I have to get this off my chest, Josh.” Gia sucked in a deep breath, encouraged by the fact Luke was still standing there and hadn’t stormed off. “When are you going to move back into our bedroom?”
�
��Soon.”
While the answer wasn’t what she’d expected, she understood. She’d almost anticipated the word never and had set herself up for the pain of hearing that answer. The closeness they’d lost by not sleeping together, by not sharing the same bed, was immense. It prodded her to ask, “How soon?”
He shoved a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. I-I went to speak to one of the VA shrinks today. That’s where I’ve been this afternoon.”
That shocked her all the more. “You’re going to talk to a psychologist?”
His nod showed his discomfort at having to speak with a shrink. Luke had a thing about his sensitivity. He thought if he hid from it, no one else would notice it. He could sweep it under the rug and no one would disturb it.
Naturally, it never worked like that.
How such an intelligent man could be so dumb, she didn’t know. And then she remembered exactly who his father was and what Robert was capable of.
Being sensitive was a sin in Robert’s eyes.
Men had to be strong and stoic. Otherwise, they were pussies. With Luke being bi as well, he’d had more to hide, more to shelter.
The notion made her wish she could go to him and hug him tight. But, fear of rejection stopped her.
“When is your first appointment?”
“I talked with admin today. They’re fitting me in in three days’ time.”
“Okay.” She pulled in and sucked on her bottom lip because that was telling. Who got an appointment in three days’ time at any doctor’s office? No one. Unless shit was bad. Really bad. “Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to come with you? Wait outside for you?”
His eyes flashed, and for a second she tensed, waiting for the banked anger that exploded at these moments. Instead, he seemed to swallow it back, and in a tone that told her he was trying to control his temper, remarked, “No. You don’t have to wait for me outside. I’m not a child, Gia.”
“I never thought you were, Luke,” she whispered, voice husky. “It’s…hard, sitting back, waiting for you to get better. I-I need to help. I want to help.”
He studied her for a second. Hovering in the doorway the way he was, it felt like there was a chasm between them. A huge void. It was how it had been for the last three weeks.
Everything had changed within the shortest space of time. Six months ago, she’d have said Luke would be at her back while Josh looked at them across a chasm, one built from his inability to share anything of consequence and his tendency to work more hours than God granted in a day.
She’d never imagined it would be the reverse.
Luke’s gaze flashed over to Josh. “Go make sure Lexi gets cleaned up.”
That had her frowning. “Why? She’s dirty?”
His gaze leaped to hers, then back to Josh again. “Do it for me, would you?”
Some kind of silent communication crossed the channel, but whatever it was, Josh backed away. His heat left her, and she was alone somehow, despite her room being full.
The two men crossed paths as Josh walked toward the corridor and Luke headed for Gia. A slight nod was more of the silent chatter she wasn’t supposed to see, and then, she was left alone with Luke.
Something he’d actively avoided since his first day back.
There was a tension in the air that kicked her in the gut. It had never been there before. Not with Luke. She and Josh rammed horns from time to time. His dictatorial ways either rubbed her up the right way or the wrong, and they clashed.
Luke made the peace.
It wasn’t right to feel at war with him. It wasn’t right at all.
“What’s going on?” she asked, staring up at him as he approached her desk.
He half turned so that he was perched on the edge. After he folded his arms across his chest, he crossed his legs at the ankle. It looked like he was there for the long haul.
At the start of the year, she’d have appreciated that. Especially at two o’clock in the afternoon when, ordinarily with Lexi still in school, the house had been empty.
Now, it felt daunting.
And she goddamn hated that.
“What’s going on?” she repeated, her voice a little firmer this time. She wanted an answer. Feeling on edge in her own home with the man she loved was not her idea of a good time.
“I’m doing something I should have done at the start.” He stared her straight in the face. “What I’m going through isn’t easy. But it’s separate to you. It’s affecting you, and I wish it wasn’t, but I can’t alter that. I love you, Gia, and this hasn’t changed that. It’s a setback. I need you to understand that, and be patient.”
There was that fucking word again.
“I can be patient, Luke, that’s not a problem—” Lies. “But I need something back from you. Some kind of return.” When his face tightened with tension, she shook her head. “I simply mean I need for you to talk to me sometimes. Not every day even. Try to connect with me because if you don’t, then it feels like I’m alone.
“After all these years together, I’m not used to that, Luke. I won’t lie. It’s been hard here. Josh is at the base almost constantly; today, him being here, is a rarity. You’re here physically but not emotionally. Sometimes, I don’t know where you are or where you’ve gone.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to know your movements, but I need some feedback. Something to tell me what’s going on. I love you, Luke, and this is part of that love. I need to make sure you’re okay.”
His smile was small, so incredibly rusty that it broke her damn fool heart. Of late, smiles had been rare, but in comparison to the ones of the past, it was pathetic.
It was a bitch when she was relieved to see a twitch of the lips.
“I can understand that.”
“Can you?” she asked, needing clarity. His nod was slow but sure. “Good.”
Gia reached up and cupped her hand about his arm. The clasp, a simple touch, was something she’d needed for a while but had always felt it was like approaching dangerous territory.
He’d never rebuffed her. Not really. But she’d always felt like it was a few steps away.
Rather than add that guilt to him, she’d backed off. Yet, maybe she shouldn’t have done. Maybe he needed her to push him a little.
She got to her feet, ignoring the work her editor needed done yesterday, and instead, began hoping this was the first day of a slowly adapting Luke.
Standing so she was halfway astride him, one foot either side of his legs, she tried to get as close as she could. He remained muleheadedly still. His arms were folded, his body language such a rejection that she had to fight her natural inclination to back off once more.
Instead of following her instincts, she hesitantly pressed her hands to his shirt-covered chest and leaned against him, ignoring his closed posture to rest her head on his pecs.
This close, she could feel the pumping of his heart, and Gia tried to convince herself it had started to beat that little bit harder at her proximity.
Whether she was bullshitting herself or not, she needed to be close to him. Her tentative touch wasn’t rejected, but when he moved his arms, she froze, expecting him to push her away. Instead, he moved his arms around to encompass her in his embrace.
It was then she fully recognized how odd emotions were. She’d cried about the distance he’d been shoving between them, and now he was actively hugging her, she didn’t need to cry.
A long, shuddery breath escaped her. One loaded with tension, but neither of them commented on it. Gia rubbed her forehead against his chest, nuzzling it slightly, loving his scent, the honest sweat of man, and…soil?
She reared back slightly. “You’ve been to the farm.” It wasn’t a question. “And that’s why Lexi’s dirty.”
“Are you mad?” There was no concern in his voice, simply curiosity.
Gia wasn’t sure if that pissed her off or not. She’d stated, clearly, that she didn’t want Lexi to have anything to do with his father. The fat
her who lived, worked, and played—if Robert ever actually loosened up enough to “play”—on the goddamn farm.
“She didn’t see him,” was all he said by way of reassurance. That he knew where her mind had headed was a relief.
Nodding stiffly, she pressed her head back to his chest. “You sure?”
“Positive. She spends the time with my mom.”
Forcing herself to relax, she murmured, “Is it making you feel better? Being there?”
“I need to start doing something with my days.” He shrugged, and the move jostled her slightly. “It’s something for the moment.”
“If you want to get involved, I don’t mind. I don’t want Lexi to be hurt.”
“I wouldn’t worry about that. She’s been having a great time. Mom has her planting seedlings.”
That had her rearing back again and blinking up at him in astonishment. “You’re being serious? She’s dirty from honest-to-God dirt?”
He grinned, this time, a patented Luke smile. “Yeah.”
“How the hell did Lou achieve that?” Considering Lexi was a germophobe, and was the one to enforce a strict pre-bed and pre-breakfast bath policy without any attempts at bribery from her parents, getting her to touch dirt was like Jesus turning water into wine. It had concerned her, enough that she’d bookmarked a couple of advice pages on the Net, but she’d decided to let sleeping dogs lie, in the vain hope that Lexi would simply grow out of it. That it was a phase.
Apparently, her gut had been right.
“I have no idea what Mom did to get her to touch dirt, but she’s coped well. Lexi seems to like it, and though Mom isn’t letting her read, as I’m working, I can hear her laugh.”
Filled with warmth at the notion, she nodded again. “Okay. I wondered where you were taking her. Stupid of me not to realize sooner. Although, I did think you’d honor my wishes.” She cocked a brow at that, wanting to reprimand him for going behind her back on this.
“I did. To a degree. Dad’s been kind of AWOL since I started going and I’ve done nothing to force the issue.
The Power of Love: Happily Ever Menage (The Luck of Love Book 2) Page 11