by Nella Tyler
AliceWonderland: I think you’ve read her very well, Harry. She mentioned now and then the troubles she encountered with the online dating situation. I did not meet her online, but quite innocently at a bookstore where my son was picking out a book. We exchanged numbers and at one point when she was frustrated with the online dating, she called me and we began having dinner together. I’m very serious about keeping her in my life.
HarryM: I understand what you’re saying. I I envy you.
AliceWonderland: I know this is terribly awkward, and for that I’m sorry. It was me who logged on last night when you first messaged. I didn’t feel as though it was my right to talk to you, but things have changed this morning. I am going to believe that you have been her confidant for some time and therefore may have some clue as to how she thinks and be on able to offer some constructive advice of how I can find help for her. I’ve been looking after her. This morning, she rose long enough to use the bathroom and refused to eat breakfast. She ordered me to leave. Not once, but several times. I don’t think she’s capable of caring for herself. She has refused food, a shower, or to even simply talk. It’s apparent to me that she has gone into what I can only describe as a dark place where she can’t be reached. I don’t think she’s there entirely quite yet, but if left alone, she may go there. I can’t begin to guess how dangerous that might be for her. So, this morning, I’m not sure whether to leave her alone or to simply kidnap her and take her in for medical care. She will resent me either way. Like you, I would rather her happy and willing to sacrifice myself to keep her that way.
HarryM: Then we see eye to eye.
AliceWonderland: I don’t know how close you were and perhaps this is useless, but I have to try. Is there anything that you know about her that could help me guide this to the best outcome?
HarryM: You’re not going to like what I’m about to say, I’m afraid.
AliceWonderland: Go ahead, out with it.
HarryM: As I have known her, she has shared a great many feelings with me. I think she thought it was safe to do because this is an anonymous forum. Mackenzie was living in a void after her husband David died. While David was alive, he made their decisions, saw to her welfare, provided for her in every way. His death was sudden and unexpected, as I’m sure she probably told you. Therefore, she was left in an unexpected predicament. He left her okay financially, but Lucy was her only friend and she was otherwise alone in the world. That’s not a very good place to be.
AliceWonderland: Go on.
HarryM: She had gotten far enough through the grieving process to recognize that she was ready to try life on again. She was lonely and tired of Lucy’s constant nagging about dating again. Frankly, I think she started the online thing as a sort of lark. Just something to keep Lucy quiet. Instead, she found herself in a world she wasn’t prepared for. She has been a very sheltered woman. She walked pretty close to the edge for a while, and I think I became her listening post. I did all that I could do from this distance. The point being, she was in a very inverted place during that grieving process. It feels comfortable and familiar to her. I’m not at all surprised that she’s turned back to that direction, I probably would, too, in her situation.
AliceWonderland: Really?
HarryM: My guess is that you represent the new butterfly she had become. She’s feeling guilty for having put herself first, for having looked out her window to see what the world might hold. In some strange way, she probably thinks that she should have still kept to herself and then she would’ve been there for Lucy. It’s nonsense, but there you have it. So, Adam, my best advice is for you to leave.
The muscle in Adam’s jaw was jerking. He didn’t know whether he could trust this guy or who he even was. If he did as this guy suggested and left, who would look after Mackenzie? It was unthinkable to leave her alone in her present condition. She couldn’t even fend for herself.
AliceWonderland: I don’t think she should be left alone. She’s not taking care of herself.
HarryM: I understand your concern, but hear me out. What I’m suggesting is that Mackenzie has tasted her freedom. She is temporarily reverting to old behavior because it’s comforting at the moment. She won’t stay there, however. She is a survivor by nature. If you leave now, she may lie in bed for most of the day. Eventually, she will get hungry and eat something. If it makes you feel better, make up a few plates and put them in the refrigerator so she could microwave them. She’s not going to harm herself. What she needs now, more than anything else, is space. She has to want to come out of that dark place – you can’t pull her out, no matter how hard you try. She knows how to get hold of you when she’s ready. If it makes you feel better, leave the window unlocked so you can get in and check on her if you think something’s really wrong. If it were me, I would turn a light on, maybe in one of the extra bedrooms where she can’t see it until it gets dark. You can drive by the house later and if the light is still on, you know she hasn’t moved. If it’s off, you know she’s up and about. When she’s ready, she knows how to find me. She has my email and can always find me here; my app is always on and I get messages throughout the day. If you want, we can swap emails. I can let you know if she contacts me and vice versa.
Adam had to admit that Harry’s thinking made sense. He did seem to know her pretty well. Everything he’d said rang true and sounded like something Mackenzie would want.
AliceWonderland: Okay, I’m going to take a chance on this. I came here to get your advice and have to admit it makes some sense. I will leave now, but I will keep an eye on her. Do you know of any women she’s friends with besides Lucy?
HarryM: No, not really. I know there are other women where she works, but I don’t think she was close with any of them. It was pretty much just her and Lucy. Go on now and do what you have to do. Make sure she knows that you are leaving. Don’t tell her we’ve talked. I want her to think, no, I want her to know that she can talk to me freely. Do we have a deal?
AliceWonderland: Yes, we do.
HarryM: One last thing. Before you leave the site, erase this conversation. We don’t want her to find it.
AliceWonderland: Good thinking. Signing off now. Thank you. I hope this works.
Adam deleted the conversation and then shut down the computer. He went into the kitchen and looked for something to cook that Mackenzie could nibble on for a few days if necessary. She had a large tray of frozen lasagna which he popped into the oven, hoping the aroma would trigger her appetite. He made some French bread and filled a number of bowls with salad. While the lasagna baked, he threw together a lemon cake mix and popped it in the oven as well.
He had to admit that the entire house smelled very inviting. He would love to stay and set up housekeeping with her, but he knew that Harry was right. The only way she would come out was on her own. He looked down the hallway and saw that the bedroom door was still closed.
Walking quietly, he went to the rearmost spare bedroom and flipped on a small lamp near the window. He also unlocked that window, feeling fairly confident that no one would try to enter because there was light on. He closed that bedroom door and took the precaution of closing the others as well. That way she would merely think that he liked the doors closed, rather than he had set up some special circumstance. He had to admit that the preparation did make him feel better.
Adam went in to check on Mackenzie one more time. It didn’t appear as though she had moved and the plate of eggs on the nightstand sat untouched. He left them there. Perhaps it would stimulate her sense of tidiness to get up and throw them away. He went around her side of the bed and said in an even voice, knowing that she was awake although her eyes were closed.
“Mackenzie. Will you talk to me?” There was no response. “Very well. I’m going to give you what you wish for. I’m going to leave you alone. I’ve made some food and as soon as it’s out of the oven, I’ll make you up a few plates and put them in the refrigerator. Then I’m going to leave. You know how to reach me and I hope you
will, very soon. I will check on you from time to time, and I hope you’ll answer me.
“Just so you know, Marty is going to let me know when the services will be held. I’ve already ordered a substantial arrangement of flowers to be sent to their home.
“Mackenzie, if there’s one thing I can say, it’s that no matter how badly you’re feeling right now, Marty has lost his mate for life. You know how that feels. You know how empty the world can look. You, of all people, can help him get through this. You loved Lucy, too. There was no one closer. I’m asking that you make the effort. I’m asking you to help Marty and yourself at the same time. It’s the right thing to do, and I know that you know that. I’m here for you when you need me. I’m leaving now.”
Adam left the room, closing the door behind himself. He made a point of making extra noise in the kitchen as he finished her meal preparations. That way she would know he was still in the house. When they were complete, Adam looked around and decided it was time to leave. “I’m leaving now, sweetheart.” He had called out loudly enough that she would hear it, even buried beneath all the blankets. He hoped she was not. He walked out of the door, locking it behind himself.
It was then that he remembered that they had driven Mackenzie’s car. He sat down on her porch and called for a taxi that arrived just a few minutes later. He watched out the taxi’s rear window as they drove down the street and hoped desperately that he was doing the right thing.
Chapter 21
Mackenzie awakened from her fitful sleep. She had been caught between a nightmare and the waking world. Perhaps they had been one in the same.
She had been looking for Lucy in the dream. She was following a trail of blood and continually called Lucy’s name, but Lucy was consistently always around the next corner. The nightmare had gone on and on. Something in the waking world was calling to her and she struggled to go toward it. However, she was loath to leave Lucy even though she knew her friend was beyond help.
So much guilt. So much heartache. The two worlds combined and then finally, as though her head had finally risen above the water, she woke up.
It took her some time to assimilate where she was and what was going on. She remembered Adam’s voice and the statement that he was going to leave her alone as she had asked. She saw the plate of cold eggs on the nightstand. The house was silent and she knew he was gone. Was this what her life was meant to be? What she meant to be repeatedly left behind?
She threw off the comforter, suddenly feeling smothered by the blankets banking her body. After a few moments, she sat upright and considered whether she was ready to stand. Mackenzie felt completely drained, as though she didn’t have an ounce of strength. She knew this wasn’t true and that it only took will to let her stand and walk normally. Did she have that will, however?
She turned to look at her pillow and contemplated lying down again. Was that what she really wanted? She knew it wasn’t. She turned and put her feet on the floor, testing her will to stand up. She blocked the thought of Lucy from her mind and focused on her own personal needs. She needed a shower and to tend to her own physical needs.
The shower felt rejuvenating. She stood there for a long time, letting the water wash away the sense of guilt and anger with herself. When she was out, she dried her hair slowly, making it presentable, but not taking time beyond that. She dressed in a pair khaki slacks and a warm knitted sweater. She picked up the clothes she’d worn before and threw them in the garbage.
When she opened the bedroom door, the air was still redolent with the cozy smells of lasagna and lemon. She padded into the kitchen and found that Adam, true to his word, had left her food. She slid a plate of lasagna into the microwave and took a fork with her as she went into the living room to nibble at it. At first, her stomach protested and she wondered whether she should try soup instead.
She knew she had come to a point of survival, however. If she gave in now and went back to the darkness, she may never find her way out again. She had worked too hard to claw through it before, to be a new woman, to have a man such as Adam in her life. She knew that deep within herself, she wasn’t willing to give that up
* * *
Marty was lying on his sofa, staring at the wall and wondering what he could do to make himself hurt less. He was too young to have experienced death and didn’t understand the coping methods that came with maturity and age. His doorbell rang and he sighed and slowly stood up calmly, prepared to open the door and except yet another bouquet of flowers. He turned the lock and opened the door.
There stood Mackenzie with a plate of lasagna in her hand.
Chapter 21
Adam waited as long as he could stand to wait, finally deciding to drive by Mackenzie’s house. As he approached, he could see the light on in the extra bedroom. His heart sank until he realized that her car was not in the driveway. Could it be that she left the house? Was she still in the house and someone had stolen the car? He decided there is only one way to find out.
Pulling into the drive, he got out of his car and knocked on her front door. There was no answer. He rang the doorbell several times in an odd chaotic cadence. Still, no answer. He walked around to the back of the house and peered in through the sliding door from the patio.
The house was dark with the exception of the light he knew was on in the remote bedroom. He did see a plate sitting on the counter next to the sink and recognized it as one that he had filled with lasagna earlier that day. This made him hopeful.
He tried texting her, but there was no response. He tried calling and again, there was no response. He was very uncomfortable in his role as detective and if it hadn’t been for him caring so much about what happened to her, he would’ve concluded that it was none of his business and gone upon his way. With Mackenzie, however, he couldn’t bring himself to do that.
He decided to drive away and find a restaurant where he might have a bite of dinner. He would check back later. There was a family Italian restaurant downtown named Luigi’s. Cooking the lasagna that morning for Mackenzie has left him with a yen for Italian food.
Luigi’s was always brightly lit, warm and filled with laughter. It was a pleasant place to eat, particularly when you were alone and wanted a sense of family. Luigi or his wife frequently circulated through the dining room, stopping to put a hand on a diner’s shoulder to inquire whether everything was to their liking. It was this warm, personal touch that made everyone who ate there feel a part of his family.
Adam went in and instead of sitting in the corner booth by himself as he normally did, he took a stool at the counter upfront. He wanted to watch the way they cooked. He ordered Chicken Parmesan and Luigi’s wife smiled and waved in recognition as she plated his order. It was presented to him on a placemat, accompanied by heavy silver wrapped in a red linen napkin. A goblet of the house wine was added, as well as a basket of garlic bread. It was the sort of meal you wanted to never end, one that you could be content just sniffing it.
Adam took his time eating, looking at his phone from time to time to see how late it was. Luigi’s brother was circulating through the restaurant playing an accordion. He played an Italian love song, and Adam’s heart grew heavy. Would he ever know what it was like to have Mackenzie in his life permanently?
He wished that he had brought Pete with him, but then second-guessed himself, knowing that Pete was probably better off at the neighbor’s for dinner that night. If and when he found Mackenzie, he may have to spend some time with her and his son didn’t need to be a part of that just yet.
Adam savored the wine in the glass slowly. When an hour and a half had passed, he paid his bill, waved at Luigi and his wife, and left.
It had begun to snow and the roads were slick. He drove slowly with his bright headlights on, scanning the shoulders for deer or another animal that might be seeking shelter on this cold night.
As he pulled down Mackenzie’s street, he saw that her car was once again in the drive. He also saw that the light in the extra bedroom
was turned off. He felt an immense sense of relief. He didn’t need to go in now, not as long as he knew that she was home safely and had turned out the light. That meant that she was of a more stable frame of mind. He wondered momentarily where she might have gone, but then rebuked himself. He really had no right to follow her like this. He turned the car around and headed for home.
* * *
Mackenzie had arrived home after visiting with Marty. She had changed her clothes and crawled into the bed, preparing to go to sleep. The more than ample sleep she’d had the previous two days kept her sleepless now, though. In frustration, she headed to her computer, hoping he would be there.
As if an answered prayer, the message box popped up.
HarryM: Hey, pretty lady. I’ve been waiting for you.
AliceWonderland: Hello, Harry. Go gentle on me tonight, will you? I’ve had a rough time the past few days.
HarryM: Do you want to tell me about it?
AliceWonderland: Do you remember my best friend Lucy?
HarryM: Yes, you mentioned her from time to time.
AliceWonderland: She died three days ago, Harry. She was expecting her first baby, only it wasn’t a true pregnancy. It was some sort of a growth on the outside of her uterus and it burst while she was in bed. She bled to death, Harry.
HarryM: I am so very sorry to hear of this. I gather that you were very close. You have my deepest sympathy.
AliceWonderland: It’s worse than that, Harry. I had driven her way. I was so busy sorting out my life and looking for a man to straighten it all out that I forgot about my best friend. It was probably the happiest time of her life, thinking that she was to have a baby. The most I could do was offer to have a baby shower for her. I’m pathetic.