by T L Swan
I laugh and bring her to me, kissing her lips as I come to the terrifying realisation of what I already knew.
If this ends again, it’s going to fucking kill me.
BRIDGET
I lie on my back at Bondi Beach. It’s just 9:00 p.m. on a hot Sydney night. It’s thirty-eight degrees, to be exact. Ben and I have been swimming and laughing all afternoon. We had fish and chips on the beach and now we’re both having a beer.
I’m relaxed, and the happiest I can remember ever being.
Ben is leaning up on his elbow close to me with his hand resting protectively on my stomach. He sporadically leans down and kisses me softly.
“Have you seen Eric?” he asks.
I frown. Oh. That’s a change of pace. “I’ve been trying to call him.”
He glares at me and raises an eyebrow.
“I wanted to see if he’s all right after the fight.”
“He’s fine, I hardly fucking touched him,” he snaps as he rolls back onto his back.
I sit up. “Are you annoyed that I tried to call him?”
He puts the back of his forearm over his eyes, but he doesn’t answer me.
I peel his arm back, so I can see his face. “Ben, I don’t feel the same way about Eric as I do about you.”
He watches me.
“But I care for him.”
“Did you love him?”
I shake my head sadly. “No.” I pause. “But he thinks he loved me.” I run my fingers through the sand as I try to articulate my feelings. “You know, I just up and left him, and then a week later he sees me kissing you.” I drop my head. “I’m ashamed of how I treated him.” I lie down and put my head on his chest. “That’s why I don’t want anyone to know about us just yet. I want it to settle down before we come out in the open. Even my mum… how do I explain moving on so quickly to her?”
“Why did you move on so quick?” he asks.
I pause before I speak. No… just say it. “You’re the man I never got over, Ben.”
I reach up and kiss him softly. “I feel like we just picked up where we left off. Like we’ve never been apart.”
He smiles softly as if mollified. “Well, you’re my girl.” Our lips touch. “You’ve been my girl all along.”
I smile against his lips as he wraps his arms around me.
“I don’t want you calling him again.”
I lean back onto my elbow and frown. “You can’t tell me not to call him.”
“Yes, I can. I just did.”
“Ben.” I frown.
“Don’t fight with me over this, Bridget. I mean it. He’s gone. For good.”
I sip my beer and he watches me as we have a silent stand-off.
Ben has two distinct sides. The beautiful sweet man who cares for me… and the dominant ass who has to have his own way. Unfortunately, that dominant ass happens to be so fucking sexy that I lose my mind over him.
He changes the subject. “Let’s go home and get you naked,” he whispers as his dark eyes drop to my lips. He trails his finger down my chest and over my breast.
I stand, annoyed, and then and I flick the towel to get the sand out. Sensing my annoyance, he stands behind me, wraps his arms around me, and sucks on the back of my neck.
“It’s time to repay the favour, angel. You belong to me now,” he whispers in my ear, causing goose bumps to scatter.
That statement is wrong on so many levels, but fuck… I’m totally screwed. He’s got me, and he knows it.
Belonging to Ben has always been my end game.
I wake to the gentle dusting of kisses on my shoulder, and I smile softly.
I know where I am and who I’m with without even opening my eyes. Ben gives the best wake up calls ever. It’s as if he can’t seem to grasp the reality that he’s here with me, so he has to touch every inch of my skin for confirmation. His hand roams from my jaw to my stomach, down to my behind, and then falls on my legs, up to my breasts and back to my hips. “Good morning.” I smile sleepily.
“Good morning,” he whispers as his lips take mine gently. His hand lingers on my jaw and we kiss for a moment. It’s soft and slow and I can already feel his erection against my leg.
“How did you sleep?” I ask.
“Like a log.” He rolls onto his back and pulls my body over his. I kiss his chest and run my hand over it as his lips rest on my temple. I have this nagging thought in the back of my mind and it won’t go away. I thought about it all night and this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. In my mind, I would get the answers I needed first and then we would get to know each other all over and resolve any issues before I gave him a green light to my body.
But somehow Ben has a way with me, and no matter how hard I try I can’t stay away.
I frown as I try get my wording right. “Ben?”
“Hmm.” He smiles as he kisses my forehead.
“There was something you said to me all those years ago, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.”
I feel his body stiffen beneath me and he stays silent.
“You said that you had a past you didn’t want catching up with me.” I look up at him. “What exactly did you mean by that?”
A frown crosses his face. “I don’t know what I meant by it, it was just something I said. Maybe I meant the army?”
I sit up, confused. “You don’t remember saying that?”
He pulls me back into his arms. “Stay close,” he replies as he holds me tight and kisses my forehead again.
“You really don’t remember what you said the night you left me?” Oh, deflation fills me. How could this be? I have gone over that conversation in my head every day for five years.
He shrugs.
I watch him. “It’s a yes or no question, Ben.”
“Then it’s a no.”
I lie still in his arms as his lips roam over my forehead.
I still feel like I need answers, and if I don’t get them now maybe I never will. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I can’t live my life with a man who won’t talk openly. I’m just going to come out with it.
“Why did you leave me back then, Ben?”
“Don’t.”
I frown and sit up again. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t drag up the past.”
I watch him for a moment as my brain tries to catch up. “But I feel unsettled. I have unresolved issues that still go through my mind. I need to quiet them, and if we are to move forward I need to know that you leaving is not going to happen again.”
“It’s not. I told you it’s not. I wouldn’t have come back otherwise.”
“Okay, so we talk about what happened, why you said there were things I didn’t know about you, and we resolve it,” I reply.
“Fucking leave it, Bridget,” he snaps as he gets out of bed.
What the hell?
“No, I won’t. I want to know.” I’m getting pissed off now. “What did you think could hurt me if I stayed with you back then?”
“Why didn’t you bring this up before if it bothers you so much?” he snaps.
“Well…” I shake my head, because that is a very good question. “You told me about your family and I completely forgot about all this.”
“You were thinking about my fucking family while…” He connects the dots. “So, that was the last three days? Sympathy fucking?” He sneers.
“No.”
“What the fuck was it then, Bridget?” he growls.
“That… It came out wrong,” I stammer as I try to backtrack. “I didn’t mean it that way. You’re putting words in my mouth.”
He shakes his head in disgust and starts to look around for his clothes.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“Home. I have to work.”
“Bullshit. You’re avoiding this conversation.”
“For fuck’s sake, Bridget, leave the past in the past! It doesn’t matter anymore.”
My face falls. “Is that how you ge
t through life, Ben?”
His eyes hold mine.
“By leaving the past in the past, never dealing with anything, but just moving onward and upward?”
He pulls his jeans on in a hurried fashion. “It’s for the best. No good ever comes from dwelling on the past.” He zips up his fly. “All I know is that we had a perfect couple of days and now you’re ruining it with shit that happened five years ago. Why?”
I watch him dress. “Have you ever seen someone… professional?”
He scrunches up his face. “Now I’m a nut job because I don’t remember a fucking conversation?” He shakes his head in disgust. “Can you hear yourself?”
“Have you ever dealt with your sister’s death?”
He points at me. “You leave my sister out of this!” he yells as he completely loses control of his emotions.
The room falls silent and he drops his head, clearly ashamed of himself for just showing me how vulnerable he really is.
Dear God, he has more issues than I thought.
I stand and wrap my arms around him. “Ben, let me in.” My eyes search his.
He puts his finger under my jaw to bring my eyes up to meet his. “I’m here, Didge,” he whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I want all of you, warts and all. Not just the parts you decide to show me.”
Our eyes are locked and I can see him thinking. “Some people’s warts are bigger than others.” He sighs sadly as he pulls out of my arms.
“Another riddle. Really? You’re giving me another riddle? Just say what you fucking mean, Ben!” I snap, losing the last of my patience.
He seems to shift into some kind of rehearsed roleplay. “What I meant to say is… I don’t remember what I said the night we broke up. My sister has nothing to do with any of that, and it seems like you are looking for something to fight over.” He walks out into the lounge room and I follow him, still naked. “Now I’m going to work, and if you decide you want to talk about our future instead of our past then I will see you tonight.”
“And if not?” I snap as I put my hands on my hips.
His cold eyes find mine. “Then I guess I’ll see you around.”
“What? Are you kidding me, right now? I want to have a conversation, that’s not too much to ask for, Ben.” I can’t fucking believe this.
“Stop looking for something that isn’t there, Bridget. Just leave it!” With one last look my way, he walks out the door, and it closes behind him. I stare at it with my heart beating hard in my chest.
What the fuck was that?
It’s 11:00 a.m. and I have taken an early lunch to ring Adrian.
I need to talk about this and I don’t want the others to know. I emailed him, so I know he is waiting for my call. It’s just gone 6:00 p.m. yesterday for him in America. These time zones are annoying because I can’t just ring him whenever I want to. When I’m at home, he’s at work or sleeping, and when he’s at home, I’m working or sleeping. I grab my lunch, go to the park so I can talk freely, and I dial his number. He answers on the first ring. “Hey, Didge.”
Just hearing his voice makes me weak. “Oh, Adrian, it’s good to hear your voice.”
“What’s wrong, babe?” He’s clearly concerned.
“Well…” I scrunch up my face because I know that he is going to lecture me. “I’ve been sneaking around with Ben.”
“You have?”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. “Yes. And…” I pause, because this sounds so lame.
“What about, Eric?” he asks.
I roll my eyes. “Long story, but we broke up.”
“And you moved on already?”
I shrug. “I don’t think I ever moved on from Ben, to be honest.”
“This is true,” he replies. “We did know this already.”
“I’ve been sleeping with him for three days.”
“How long have you been sneaking around with him?”
“A week.”
The line stays silent.
“Are you there?” I ask.
“He ripped your heart out and stomped on it, then he comes back, and in two days you’re on your damn back. What the hell, Bridget?”
I know.” I wince. “It sounds bad when you say it like that.”
“Like what? The truth?”
I roll my eyes. “Anyway… this morning—”
He cuts me off. “How was it, by the way?”
“Good.” I widen my eyes. “Great, as in life-changing.” I shake my head in disgust. “I asked him why he left me back then and why he said that his past would catch up with me.”
“What did he say to that?”
“Well, he got all defensive and told me he didn’t remember saying any of it, and then he said I was just looking for a fight.”
He eventually answers, “Okay.” He thinks for a moment. “And you didn’t think to have this conversation before you jumped on his dick?”
I cringe. “I did, but it didn’t happen.”
I can almost hear him roll his eyes through the phone line. “Okay, so then what happened?”
“Well, it’s confusing, but he has issues.”
“Ugh, you’re making excuses for him now. Like what?”
“His twin sister was murdered when he was twelve and his parents died not long after.”
“Fuck,” he whispers.
“And I think because he has never been made to talk things through with people, he just brushes everything under the carpet.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because I asked him if he had seen anyone about the death of his sister, and he screamed at me and told me to leave her out of this.”
“Hmm.”
“So, it ended up him saying that if I wanted to talk about our future he would see me tonight, but if I wanted to fight about the past then he would see me around.”
Adrian stays silent.
I shake my head, because saying this out loud just cements that fact that I’m an idiot. “What do I do? Do I go along and not ask about our breakup or his past, and move forward with our future?”
“But how will you know that it won’t happen again the next time shit goes down? Is he just going to withdraw every time things gets too hard to talk about?”
“I… I don’t know,” I stammer. “That’s what I’m thinking.”
“And what about your needs? You need closure on that breakup, even if you don’t work it out with him. You need closure to move on with someone else.”
“I know I do. I tried to tell him that.”
“And what did he say?”
I blow out a breath as I try to remember. “I’m looking for a fight, or something lame.”
“Fuck him,” Adrian snaps. “He’s a selfish asshole. If he can’t understand that you want closure on the last breakup before he throws you around his bed, then you’re right, he has got fucking issues.”
I listen sadly.
“And…” he continues. “He’s the one who came back for you and demanded a second chance, remember? Not the other way around. If he is serious about wanting a future with you, he should man up.”
“Do you think he is?” I ask hopefully.
“I do. Well, I hope. You don’t move to the other side of the world for someone just for a booty call, now, do you?”
“I am amazing in bed. Anything is possible.” I smile.
He chuckles. “That goes without saying. I think you need to give him some time to think about this. If he is holding out on you, as we both suspect he is, then he would know that and he will also be testing you to see if he can get away with it.”
I listen as I think.
“How you let him treat you now in the early stages is the standard you are setting for how he can treat you in the future. If you put up with crap now, then you will only ever get crap from him,” he continues.
“But what if he is seriously damaged and he needs my help to overcome these obstacles?” I ask.
“Then he
tells you he needs some time. He doesn’t dismiss you as a drama queen. He has no regard for your feelings, Bridget. I think he made that clear when he came back and demanded a second chance with his sleazy texts. You want a boyfriend you can discuss your feelings with openly, Didge. This isn’t high school.”
I exhale heavily. “You’re right.” I think for a moment. “I’m not calling him. If he wants to see me, then he can make the effort.”
“Good. When is your trip?”
“Two weeks.”
“And you are gone for how long?”
“Three weeks.”
“Does he know that?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Honestly. Why did you sleep with him so soon? What the hell were you thinking?” He sighs.
I get a lump in my throat. “Because I missed him, and I care about him. I have this affection for him that I don’t have for anyone else.” I pause. “I feel like he’s broken.”
“Oh, Didge.” He blows out a deep breath. “In one week, you are already back to where you were five years ago, aren’t you?”
I nod through my tears. “I just wish…” I stop myself.
“You just wish what?’
“I just wish that I felt about someone normal the way I feel about Ben.”
“I know, baby. We can’t choose who our heart loves.”
I angrily swipe the tears from my eyes. “This is ridiculous. I’m a cot case and I am not even officially back with him. Three nights and look at me.”
“Why haven’t you told Tash and Abs?”
I shrug. “I just wanted to work out if things were going to be okay between us before I did. We decided to stay on the down low for a while.”
“Just tell them.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. Not a word from you, though,” I remind him.
“Promise.”
I smile because Adrian can always make me feel better… or worse. He only ever delivers the truth.
“Don’t call him, Didge. You want a man to fall in love with, not a child who is emotionally unavailable and unwilling to address issues.”
“Yeah, I know.” I sigh sadly.
“See what happens. He might turn up at your apartment tonight, declaring undying love.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, right. I wish.”