by H. M. Ward
Chapter 20
Somehow a routine develops. I work out East, Cole works in the city. We have dinner together and then head back to his place where we talk until one of us passes out. I've woken up in his bed more times in the past three weeks than I've slept in my own. I wonder what this is, what he's doing, but I'm too afraid to ask. I'm just glad to have him in any capacity at all.
One night after dinner, I'm laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. I feel Cole's eyes on me - they are always on me - but I don't turn to look at him. His gaze lingers, sliding over my breasts, watching me breathe as my chest slowly rises and falls. His fingers slip the buttons through the holes on his shirt. I let him look. I like it and wish he'd do more. The man has self-control like nothing I've ever seen.
"Cole," I ask, still looking at the ceiling.
"Mmmm?" he says, his eyes still searing into my body as he peels the shirt off his chest and tosses it in the hamper. He stands there bare skinned, in nothing but jeans. I'm dying to look at him, but I don't. He hesitates like he knows I want to look before grabbing a tee shirt from the dresser.
I want to ask him how he does it, how he can lay next to me night after night and not touch me. My fingers twist the sheets. "Are you seeing anyone?" Maybe that was it. Maybe he has a sex friend and I'm his other friend. The one that he sleeps with. Jealousy flames through me at the thought. I want to be the sex friend. Hell, I want to be his only friend.
"Why would you ask that?" he stops and looks at me bewildered.
I shrug, "I don't know. It's just. . . " Suddenly he's much closer. He's standing next to the bed looking down at me. I keep my gaze on the ceiling.
"Just what?" he asks, like this is normal. I lower my gaze and look at my hands. The question is caught in my throat. I don't look at him. "You want more?"
I feel his eyes on my face, but I can't look up. My heart is pounding, wondering if I just ruined whatever we had.
"There isn't more than this. This is the best of what I can offer you. The rest is too. . . ," he shakes his head, "It's just not possible. "