by Sandra Bats
He snorted. His face was a mask of confusion, but he took a step closer to me. “My deal?”
“Yeah. The whole helping me without wanting anything in return. The flirting, telling me I’m pretty. Whipping off your shirt in the middle of the darn room without any warning and for no apparent reason.” I got to my feet so I at least felt like we were somewhat eye to eye, despite him still being a good head taller than me. “Look, everybody wants something. You wouldn’t even give me a second glance if there wasn’t something you wanted. Just tell me what it is, and we can get this over with. Why are you helping me? Is it sex? Because that is off the list. Like so far off the list you can’t believe it, because I’m not risking my life for dinner and a roof above my head.”
Jayden chuckled humorlessly as he stared at me. “For fucks’ sake. I tell you you’re pretty and you think there’s some hidden agenda? I don’t want anything from you. Do you really think I’d go to these lengths just for sex? Let me tell you, if it were about that, I’d be on my way into town where I could find about a dozen girls for that.”
I stared at him, shocked at the almost cruel honesty with which he spoke. When I opened and closed my mouth a slow smile spread over his face.
“Speechless at last. Good. Now listen, cause I’m only going to say this once. I want to help you, to make sure you’re safe, because I care. Don’t really know why, because you’re not the nicest person, but I do. I just want to make sure you don’t starve or get raped out there. It’d just be a hell of a lot easier if you’d trust me a little.”
We stared at each other; the silence stretching long, and I chewed on my lower lip. It was so tempting to fight a little less, and I’d grown so tired of it. I was tired of worrying about food and his suggestion, getting help without anything being expected in return, sounded less exhausting. When I looked back at him his eyes carried the same gentleness they had when he’d met me, a gentleness I hadn’t seen often before. The last few days had been like a breath of fresh air for me.
“I don’t …” I sighed. “Look, people aren’t nice. I haven’t had the best experiences.”
“I noticed.” Jayden drew his shoulders up then let them drop on a long exhale. “I’m not asking you to confess your story to me or tell me any secrets. All I’m saying is, live a little. I mean, have your days here been horrible? Can’t you give us a chance to prove we’re nice people? Not run whenever you get uncomfortable? I’m actually a nice guy most of the time, which you’d know if you ever talked to me. It’s obvious you’ve had a shitty life so far, nobody doubts that, but you don’t need to keep pushing everyone away.”
I rubbed a hand over my aching forehead. There was genuine worry in his eyes, and maybe he truly didn’t want anything in return. The silence turned awkward and I desperately grasped at words to fill it but the only thing that came to my mind was telling him that my head hurt and I needed to rest some more. Jayden seemed to look right through my excuse, but he stepped out of my way, letting me walk back towards the building. Only when I’d taken a few steps, he spoke.
“Oh, and Elin, just to clear this up, I’m not joking. I don’t know what happened that made you believe I’m not honest when I tell you you’re pretty — I’m sure it wasn’t your fault — but I want you to know I meant it. You really are pretty.”
I stared at him, surprised at the conviction in his voice. I could’ve reverted to old habits and denied it. I could’ve told him all the ways in which I’d deserved what had happened to me, but in my new attempt at trusting him — I didn’t. I hid the smile that forced itself onto my lips as I headed back inside.
Eight
Jayden
I glanced at Elin who was doing patrol rounds with me. After her concussion had fully healed, she announced she wanted to help with guard duty. I couldn’t say I was surprised. It was too cold for her to pursue her plans of planting crops in the atrium at that time, so there wasn’t much for her to do.
More guards never hurt. In the end, I’d equipped her with a hand gun and a rifle. Apparently, she’d been exaggerating when she told me she knew how to use both. She caught on fairly quickly when I’d given her a crash course though. Almost made me proud to see.
I assigned Elin’s patrol shifts so we did a lot of them together. I’d gotten tired of doing them alone. That and there was something about Elin that intrigued me. I’d expected her to maybe open up a bit more. She’d been there for six weeks and I barely knew anything more about her than I did the first day.
When I told Cam that I couldn’t figure her out, he laughed. He thought my interest only stemmed from her not reacting to my flirting. He also told me I should just give up and go back into town to hook up with some random girl. I considered it. Then I realized that I actually hadn’t been with any woman since the night before I’d met Elin. That was a worrisome coincidence. I chalked it up to having been busy with keeping people alive.
While winter had fully arrived, things had eased up for a bit. With more ammunition we’d sent people out into the woods, hunting game. Josh brought back a huge moose one day. Elin had struck up what seemed to be a friendship with Kathy and often helped her in the kitchen. Kathy was always busy curing meat to make it last longer those days. I knew because I hung around the kitchen sometimes.
“Jayden!” Ray breathlessly shouldered open the door of the building. “Cam sent me. Alex has lost his mind.”
“What?” I asked, already expecting the worst.
“He’s in front of your room and he’s armed. He keeps slurring about …” He glanced meaningfully at Elin.
“Stay out here,” I told Elin, but didn’t wait for her to respond before rushing inside. There was a crowd in the hallway. Cam was amongst them. He tried to calmly talk to Alex. Alex didn’t seem to listen. I pushed past the people in the hallway. Alex stood in front of my bedroom. He tried the handle and kicked the door when it wouldn’t open. His rifle was in his hand.
“Alex,” I called his name as I inched closer.
Cam shut up and instead turned towards other people, leaving it to me to handle the situation. I hoped he’d try to get the people out of the hallway. Aware of our audience, I asked Alex what he was doing. Maybe I could get him to turn towards me.
“None of your business,” he slurred. He glanced past me and then pointed at someone in the crowd. “Ever since that bitch arrived, I’ve been a joke for all of you,” he spat. I knew right away he was staring at Elin. Had I really expected her to stay outside? I hoped she’d be smart enough to let me handle things. Instead, she cussed him out. I didn’t really pay attention to her words. Alex’s finger twitching around his gun distracted me.
“Alex, I’d feel a lot better if you’d put the gun down.” I took a step forward, close enough that I could’ve grabbed the rifle from him.
“I don’t give a shit what makes you feel better.” He slurred horribly and that had me worried, too. His eyes were unfocused. There were far too many people in the hallway. Too many possible casualties. Kids, even.
The moment Alex lifted his arm, I dashed forward. I barreled into him and knocked him off balance. A shot rang out, echoing through the hallway. I grabbed the barrel and pushed it towards the ceiling. We wrestled over it for a second. Dull pain spread through my right arm. Eventually, I managed to slide the rifle away, across the floor. People stared in shock as I held Alex’s hands on his back. Cam helped me drag Alex to his feet, still restrained.
“Is anyone hurt?” I called out to the petrified bystanders.
Silence.
“You’re the one who’s bleeding,” Cam pointed out.
“Just a graze. I’ll be fine.”
I had Ray and Cam put Alex in detention and then search his room for alcohol.
By the time I reached the office, my arm was throbbing. Moving to take off my sweatshirt was gruesome. The sleeve was torn and blood seeped through my T-shirt. It didn’t look too bad, but it was smarter to let Jane be the judge of that. Elin was waiting in front of the door
way.
“You just couldn’t have stayed outside like I told you to, could you?” I asked her.
“He called me a bitch. I did nothing wrong!”
“Well, you didn’t do anything right, either. You don’t anger people with guns.” I left her in the hallway. Stormed into Jane’s room. Why was it so hard for Elin to just swallow her pride in order to stay safe?
When Jane saw my arm, I had her full attention. It had always been like that with her. People skills weren’t exactly her strong suit. If you showed up with your arm grazed by a bullet, though, she was all ears. She hurried to do her best. Mainly cleaning and bandaging, telling me to keep an eye out for infections. She was vastly overqualified since our lack of resources offered her no chance to treat the simplest wounds properly.
“You got lucky, you know? It didn’t even need stitches.” I glanced at Jane and pretended I agreed.
Didn’t feel like I was lucky. The adrenaline was wearing off and the pain worsened. A hot throbbing sensation traveled outward from the epicenter of the injury. Moving my arm the tiniest bit hurt.
I could make out Elin through the door’s tiny glass inlet. She was waiting out there. Likely to chew me out for having yelled at her. I closed my eyes for a second then stepped into the hallway.
Elin stared at me. I stared right back. Wasn’t sure whether she was angry or not. She was the first to break the silence.
“Is it bad?”
I shook my head. “I’ve had worse. It’s just a graze.”
I stepped a little closer, looking for words. Elin stared down at her hands. I knew I shouldn’t have shouted at her the way I had. Most of my anger had just been shock. About Alex being as crazy as he was. About being grazed by a bullet. Maybe about the possibility of Elin getting hurt.
I was still looking for words when she spoke. “I know it wasn’t the smartest thing to yell at him, but he made me so angry. I had to defend myself.”
“I get that.” I instinctively tried crossing my arms in front of my chest but the movement hurt like hell. I grimaced and inhaled sharply, waiting for the pain to pass. “I’m not saying what you did was wrong, but it wasn’t exactly the best thing you could’ve done. It would’ve been better if you’d stayed back and let me handle it. It doesn’t make you weak, it’s just smart. There were a ton of people. Anyone could’ve gotten hurt. He could’ve shot you!” As an afterthought I added: “Sorry I shouted, though.”
“You really think he planned to shoot me?” Elin asked.
She looked at me like she was trying to decipher my possible reaction. Like she didn’t trust me to tell her the truth. Like I could’ve. I wasn’t sure myself what had been going through Alex’s head.
For a brief moment my fingers twitched with the sudden urge to reach out and squeeze her hand. Would’ve been easy. I shoved my hand into my pocket.
“I don’t know. He’s not himself,” I said.
“You mean he wasn’t always a sociopathic asshole?”
I walked into the office and closed the door behind us. It was a conversation best had in privacy. It was Alex’s story, not mine to tell, but Elin had to know so she could better judge if and how much danger she was in from Alex.
“He used to be our friend. He had a girlfriend, Mary. He adored her. I remember when she was mugged in town once, he wouldn’t leave her side for days. A few weeks later, she got sick. We all thought it was some stomach bug, but it turned out she was pregnant. Alex was at a loss. She died — of course — but we’d hoped the baby would help him keep it together. Sadly, he died as well only a few hours later. Jane never found out why. It was four months ago. Alex hasn’t been the same since and has only gotten worse. Cam and I are hoping he’ll get better, but it doesn’t seem like he will.”
There had been no way to prevent Mary’s death. Persephone’s virus was a curse that had fallen upon mankind. There was no cure. I remembered the day Alex found out about it. How he had begged Jane to do anything to save Mary. He asked Jane if there was any way to save Mary; any way for Mary to have an abortion. Everyone always asked about abortion, even if they knew that Persephone’s virus took ahold of the body so early in the pregnancy that an abortion would result in death the same way a birth would. Jane once explained it to me though I only understood about half of it. It had to do with the placenta attaching to the uterus, that caused severe bleeding when removed. An abortion would only work if the pregnancy was discovered before a placenta was formed. It had simply been too late for Mary.
Elin cleared her throat, pulling me back into reality. “So he has a sob story. We all do. It doesn’t make what he does right.” Elin’s voice was harsh. She pointed out what had gone through my mind as well. We didn't keep Alex around simply out of pity or because he had once been our friend.
“You’re right. I don’t want you feeling like I’m prioritizing his safety and well-being over yours or everyone else’s. Problem is, considering how Alex is behaving right now, I can’t just kick him out. If I did, he’d need food and shelter. The easiest way for him to get that would be returning to the military. He used to work for them before he came here. He deserted but he might think they’d take him back if showed up there with information on a place like this. Military police would be here within twenty-four hours. So, stupid as it seems, we keep him here for the safety of the group.”
Elin stared at me, her mouth agape. Cam suddenly shoved open the door. He put two bottles of booze on my desk.
“Found them in his room. There’s more,” Cam started, then glanced sideways at Elin. I motioned for him to go on. I had no issue with her hearing whatever Cam found. As a response, Cam tossed me a small plastic bag and I instinctively tried catching it with my injured arm. I sucked in a sharp breath at the pain.
The bag was filled with small round tablets embossed with the state issued imprint.
“Morphine,” I muttered. “I’ll check with Jane whether it’s from her stash. If not, we’re really fucked.”
When I entered the room, Jane was just fixing up Nigel, who had a scraped knee. Cam immediately moved to the kid’s side. He crouched down beside him, asking what happened. Turned out, Nigel had tripped playing catch.
Nigel seemed to be in good spirits, smiling widely as he left the room with a band-aid on his knee. Jane finally paid me attention and I handed her the bag of morphine. She shook her head. “That’s not mine. My cabinets are always locked. Plus, these are much higher doses than we’ve had in a while. He must’ve gotten them somewhere else.”
I ran a hand through my hair. If Alex got them from a dealer, it could have been just a regular trade. Or he could have had a government sponsor who dealt pills for information. I’d find out. I was itching to interrogate Alex, but I suspected there wouldn’t be much use in doing so if he was drunk and high.
◆◆◆
I waited until the next morning for Alex to sober up. He’d spent the night in the basement where we had a detention cell for possible intruders or bandits. I’d never expected to use that cell for one of our own.
I put the gigantic rusty key inside the lock. After some resistance, the lock turned, and the door’s metal hinges creaked open only when I pulled with all my might. Three stairs led down to where I found Alex laying on a cot. He glowered at me. He had a bucket in his cell, along with a plate of half-eaten mush. I unlocked his cell and stepped inside.
“Get up!” I ordered. Of course, he didn’t listen. I grabbed the front of his shirt and dragged him to his feet. “What the hell is wrong with you? If you have any explanation for your behavior, I want to hear it now.”
He slouched and gave me a bored look. As if the situation was so far beneath him.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’ll stay down here for three more days. Consider it as time to think about your future here. After that, you’ll be off guard duty, no access to weapons. I’ll assign you another job. Cleaning might be more up your alley. You’ll check in with Cam or me before each mealtime. That makes three ti
mes a day. Any questions?” I endured his wordless stare without blinking.
“Did you understand me?” I asked again.
Like a stubborn child, he remained silent until I took a step forward. He flinched back the tiniest bit, then muttered agreement.
“Great. Now, let’s talk about where you got your pills.”
For the briefest moment, anger flickered through his eyes. Then he caught himself. “No idea what you’re talking about.”
“The morphine we found in your room. It’s not from Jane’s stash. So where did it come from?”
I continued to glare at him. His hands curled into tight fists. His nostrils flared and he ground his teeth. “You had no right to go through my stuff!” he yelled. His eyes narrowed to slits.
He was furious. Just as I wanted him to be. Furious people slipped up, made mistakes. Told you things they’d rather keep to themselves.
“I had every damn right! You went nuts yesterday. You’re a safety hazard for the people I’m responsible for. You’re lucky your bullet hit me and not anybody else. If it had, if somebody had been killed, you could have kissed your stupid little life goodbye. Don’t make me ask again. Where did you get the pills from?”
“Some dude in town!” he grunted.
“What did you give him in exchange? Was he a dealer or did you give him information?”
“Nothing!” Alex said.
“Do you think I’m stupid? What did you give him in return?”
Alex stared sullenly. I shoved him once, making him stumble against the wall. “Answer! Now!”
“Ok, ok. I took some of the ammo and traded it.”
I was inclined to believe him. While I was pissed he’d stolen from us, it was much better than the possibility of him having traded information.
“Just ammo? No information? You know I’ll track him down and find out anyway.”
He shook his head. Since I didn’t want to go and look for his dealer, I had to believe him. For the time being, at least. I left him in his cell and locked the door. I was going to go back later for more details, but at the time I could barely even look at Alex.