by Sandra Bats
Jayden laughed, “Well, sorry to disappoint you. I’ve not once read a book like that. I’ll have you know, Romeo and Juliet is a classic. It’s a love story. Of sorts. Very tragic. Two young people fall in love, but their families are mortal enemies. They get married in secrecy after a few days, but before their wedding night the guy accidentally kills one of her relatives. He has to run away, and she’s supposed to be married off. She fakes her death but he never gets her letter explaining that she’s not dead. So he kills himself. When she wakes and finds him dead she offs herself as well.”
I snorted. “That’s … absolutely not what I expected you to read.”
“Kind of you to phrase it like that.” He smiled at me and I could make out the dimples on his cheeks. The one on his left side more pronounced than the one on his right. The silence stretched longer and he watched me curiously.
“Where’d you get it?” I asked, glancing away.
“School library,” Jayden explained.
“Wait, you have a library? Why have you never told me?”
Jayden sat up on his bed. “I didn’t know you were interested in it. Heck, there’s enough people here who’ve never been to school and can barely read. I didn’t know if you could. You want me to show it to you?”
“Yes!” I hurried to the door, impatiently waiting for him to get to his feet. “This is great. Do you think there’s books on farming there too?”
“Might be,” Jayden uttered, walking next to me. “I never checked.”
We stopped at a set of double doors across from the office, behind which I’d always assumed another storage room. When Jayden opened the doors, I stepped into the dark room. There was just enough light to make out the large bookcases. Jayden pulled open the curtains, revealing windows that looked out into the atrium. He explained that sunlight didn’t treat the books too well, as some of them were quite old.
I stood, frozen in awe. Books lined the shelves so that there wasn’t a single empty slot. I brushed my fingers over the spines, entranced by the dusty covers and the rich smell of ink and paper. I rounded the corner to find Jayden in front of me.
“I think if you’re looking for agricultural stuff you might be out of luck. It was a school library after all. Quite a few biology books though. And you might get lucky in the hobby section. They might have gardening stuff.” He pointed to the section at the far end of the wall, where the selection of books seemed to be less focused on academics.
I looked at the biology books in front of me and thumbed through one. “So really, don’t take this the wrong way but that book you were reading it sounded … a bit like an odd choice for you.”
Jayden leaned against the bookcase. “I don’t know. I just like the sentiment of it, you know. Falling in love like that. Falling so hard the thought of being without the other kills you.” He frowned, glancing down at his hands. “And I like that in the end the two families make peace. You know despite the drama and all, there’s something good that stems from all that. I like to believe that there’s always the possibility of something good developing from something awful.”
There was conviction in his words, as if he’d witnessed such a scenario before. I averted my eyes from his intense gaze and reached for another book from the shelf. It slipped from my fumbling fingers and Jayden reached out, catching it. Suddenly he was very close, his fingers just avoiding mine when he handed me the book. He didn’t lean back into his earlier position. His whole body was closer to mine than he had been before.
He stared at me for a moment, close enough I could make out the darker blue circle around the crystal blue of his irises, when I looked up at him.
“Elin, what would you do if I kissed you?” He swallowed hard and his voice was raspy.
I was acutely aware of how close our faces were and of his breath brushing past my cheek. For the tiniest moment I considered indulging his idea, but my heart raced in panic.
“Don’t. Please don’t.” I broke eye contact, unable to take the tension and stepped back.
I looked at the book in my hands, didn’t dare look up at Jayden as he retreated towards the door, telling me to simply close the curtains when I left.
When the door closed behind him, I flinched. He’d wanted to kiss me and maybe, deep down, I might’ve wanted that, too. That deep-down part had been overpowered by the fear sitting in every other cell of my body, leaving me petrified. Since the moment was over, I felt stupid and worried I’d hurt his feelings with my rejection. I knew why I couldn’t trust others, I just hadn’t known how much I wanted to. Not trusting was painful. Lonely.
◆◆◆
As it turned out Jayden didn’t seem to be hurt. When I met him in his office to head out into town that night he looked up with the same smile as always.
“Let me just finish this plan for next week’s patrols,” he said, and I used the moment to watch him as he focused on his papers.
As he worked, his brows pulled together, creating a little crease on his forehead and, occasionally, he’d run his hand through his hair or strum his fingers against the tabletop. He did that awfully often, it struck me.
“Why do you keep staring at me?” he addressed me, finally getting to his feet.
“I do not,” I responded, averting my eyes at his accusation.
“Yeah, right.” He slipped his arms into his jacket and took his gun. “You do know I’m perfectly capable of focusing on more than one thing at once, right? I know you’ve been watching me.”
We walked out, side by side and I kept sneaking glances at him. I just wished I understood what made him tick. Then I suddenly realized if he knew I’d been sneaking glances at him that meant …
“Wait a sec, you stared at me, too!”
He had the decency to look briefly embarrassed, then grinned at me, shaking his head. “I did not!”
“Liar,” I muttered, but smirked as we kept walking. At least my having caught him had gotten him off the topic because we walked in silence for a while.
We walked into town to save gasoline and because we were more flexible when we didn’t have to return to wherever we would’ve parked the motorcycle.
Jayden led us to one of the town’s poorest areas. In such a place, we wouldn’t be the only ones carrying weapons and likely wouldn’t be given a second look. I paused to pluck a large shard of glass out of my boot. Luckily, the soles were thick enough the glass hadn’t punctured my foot. I glanced upwards at the streetlamp the glass had fallen from. Like most of the other lamps on this street it was no longer functioning. It probably had been shot out on purpose by the rebels.
Even the military didn’t cross into that part of town often. The beggars there were mostly left to their own devices. I heard a child wail in the distance, wondering if it had somebody to care for it or if it was alone in the world; everybody who could’ve loved it having passed away.
Jayden stopped suddenly, inclining his head towards the only stone building on the street. While all the other huts were built from wood and sheet metal, that building was made from yellow brick. It stuck out like a sore thumb, screaming “government-run facility”. I knew the glass doors would be bullet proof, as well as the small sliding window the clerk could pass medicine through after hours.
Other than the bullet proof glass, those kinds of pharmacies had the worst security systems in place. Usually there’d only be one clerk working, especially at the time we visited, in the late evening hours. His job was handing out flu vaccines and medicine to keep the spreading of epidemics like flu and pneumonia in check during the winter. Of course, those meds were only distributed in exchange for showing a valid ID, another way the government had of keeping an eye on everybody. It was the same as the shelters, only valid ID got you anything in a place such as that, because it meant the government knew where you were via the trackers imbedded in the ID cards. If you didn’t have an ID or the government was looking for you, you had no chance at help.
“Do you think we could bribe the clerk
?” I asked Jayden. Sometimes the badly paid clerks tended to make money through shady under-the-counter-deals.
Jayden squinted, trying to make out what was going on inside the pharmacy. “We could try. Do you have a plan?”
“How about I go in and check it out? If I can’t talk him into taking a bribe we can still take him out. I could just pull my gun on him, overwhelm him and then you come join me to gather the meds.”
Jayden rolled his eyes. “Right. I meant a solid plan. Not just going in there and winging it.”
I examined my fingernails. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a coward.”
“I’m not a coward,” Jayden responded, then fixed me with a stare. A hint of a smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. “I see what you’re doing. Gloating won’t work. I literally just healed from a near death experience. Maybe we could try not doing anything too insane on my first day back. I’d rather not rush back to being on bedrest.”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “Let me go in and scout the place. I’m not as suspicious as you are.”
“I’ll come in after you if anything so much as seems off.”
I didn’t give him much time to reconsider. I handed him my rifle and hid the smaller handgun under my jacket. Jayden may have wanted to play it safe, but I figured that if I just got the ball rolling, he’d have to get on board.
The air inside the pharmacy was warm and exceedingly dry. Sluggishly, the clerk behind the counter stretched and looked at me, pure boredom on his face. I politely greeted him and strolled through the few aisles lined with shelves and eventually approached him with a sweet smile on display. I asked him whether the security system picked up sound, or just video — implying I had an offer that he’d love to hear. After contemplating for a second, he told me there was only video recording. I clapped my hands.
“Great. So let me be honest: this is a robbery. You have two options, though, which is good, right? You can help me, and I’ll definitely reward you by splitting the goods or you can be a nuisance which means things will get a little uglier.”
His jaw dropped, but after a second he shook his head, laughed and told me we wouldn’t be making a deal any time soon. I huffed in fake sadness and swiftly pulled my gun on him. I gave him a disappointed look when he did the same. Behind him, at the door to the back rooms, I could make out an all too familiar shadow.
“Hate to break it to you, but you won’t stand a chance,” I told the clerk, who was so focused on me that he didn’t notice Jayden had joined us.
“Not so sure about that. I could very well shoot you first,” he calmly objected.
“True. But the guy behind you would put a bullet in your brain.”
Jayden pressed the barrel of his gun against the clerk’s head. “If I were you, I’d listen to the lady and put the gun down.”
I met Jayden’s eyes past the clerk. I couldn’t suppress a sneer while the clerk seemed insecure but held his ground.
“If I put the gun down, you’ll shoot me anyway. This way I can at least take your girlfriend with me.”
“Valid point,” Jayden stated. “Two flaws, though. First, she’s not my girlfriend. Second, I’m quicker than you.”
Before even finishing his sentence, Jayden turned his gun around and knocked the guy on the back of his head. Poor idiot instantly dropped to the ground, unconscious.
I searched through the medicine, and Jayden praised me for stumbling upon flu vaccines, stating that Jane was going to love me for bringing those home. Meanwhile, he short-circuited the cash register, bypassing the safety code usually required by the opening mechanism and took out stacks of Nation Dollars.
“Am I a freaking genius, or what?” Jayden asked, holding the money up.
“Modest, too,” I joked, shoving more boxes into my bag.
When we’d taken everything of value to us, we retreated towards the back door. I glanced at the console recording and streaming the security footage. Cut wires hung from it and when I glanced at Jayden he smirked. That must have been what had taken him so long to join the clerk and me earlier.
I was about to step into the street when MPs rushed by, running towards the front entrance of the station. Maybe we’d triggered a silent alarm of sorts or somebody had noticed the unconscious clerk and called for help. Whatever it was, it was time to get out of there. Jayden pulled me into the shadow of the back room. We waited a few more seconds before we rushed through the back door and along the first few blocks until we were at a safe distance. Only then did he let go of my hand. As we walked home I caught him smiling at me.
“What?”
“If that’s your way of scouting, we have some serious misunderstandings,” he said, laughing. “I knew you wouldn’t stick with the plan. I snuck in from the back right after you went in the front.”
“What else did you find?” I asked, inclining my chin towards the second plastic bag I hadn’t seen him fill up. Instead of an answer, he held it out for me to check. I glanced inside, felt my cheeks grow hot, then handed the bag back to him.
“What the … Why would you need that many condoms?”
He raised an eyebrow. “For protection. They’re not for me. I’ll give them to Jane so she can make sure people can get some if they need them.”
I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t understand. Sex meant a person risked pregnancy. “Who would need them? Everybody knows every woman who gets pregnant dies in childbirth. It's not like when we were born and Persephone's virus was just mutating from Demeter virus. Why would anyone risk bleeding out after giving birth for this? For what even? A few minutes of fun?” I sputtered.
“Chill, it’s just condoms. The more we have, the less likely someone dies from unwanted pregnancies. No big deal.” Jayden kept walking but his mouth drew to a thin line.
“No big deal? Jayden, there are women out there every day, dying because they got pregnant. Kids being orphaned right at birth because of it. I mean, Infection rate is 100%. People are infected at birth by now.” I huffed. “But of course, you don’t care. You’re a guy. You only carry the virus but you can’t die from it. Sex is just fun for you. The consequences don’t matter. If you knock up a girl, what’s it to you? It’s her issue. Would you even know if there’s some orphan out there that you fathered?”
Jayden spun around, facing me, his eyes glinting in the dim light the full moon shed on us. “Don’t you dare! My aunt raised my sister and me because our father didn’t care enough to do it. I’m not like him.” I kept silent as he inhaled a deep breath, then turned to keep walking as he spoke again.
“If people want to have sex, they can do as they damn well please. It’s not my job to tell them not to. I, for one, make sure to always stay safe so something like what happened to my mom doesn’t happen to any of the women I’m with.”
I scoffed. “I don’t even understand where you’d find women taking that risk freely.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Are you implying I’m forcing myself on anyone? Because fuck, Elin, if that’s what you think of me, I’m starting to wonder why you’re even still out here, walking home with me in the damn dark.” His words left his mouth like they tasted bitter and he actually had to force them past his lips.
“No,” I uttered. I hadn’t considered that my words could be interpreted as such an accusation. “I don’t think that. I just don’t understand. I mean, yeah, guys say it’s fun. They say it is for both sexes, but I have yet to meet a girl who isn’t terrified of walking outside at night or who doesn’t know at least one person who’s been kidnapped by the labs. I have yet to meet one girl who doesn’t have some horror story to tell about guys forcing themselves on her or of having to fight off unwanted attention.”
Jayden stayed silent, and for a while I only heard the snow crunching under our boots and the sounds of our breath mixing with the rustling of the meds in our bags. Eventually I noticed Jayden glancing over at me as he walked.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry you know only of
those horrible stories. But …. Look, it’s not the way you seem to think it is. Sex isn’t just the raping that happens in the streets or the labs. If it’s consensual, it’s fun and it helps you relax. I mean, they say if it’s with someone you care about it’s even intimate and gentle. I mean there has to be a reason people used to call it making love in older times.”
I blew out a breath and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Maybe that was before the whole world went to shit.”
“Well, if you want to believe that, fine by me. I’m surely not going to try to convince you otherwise. Just let everyone do what they want, ok? Live and let live you know?”
I chewed on the inside of my lip. It still seemed insane to me that people would forget about a fatal risk for a bit of fun. I huffed, my breath evaporating in a tiny white cloud. “It’s their lives, I guess. If they want to throw them away …”
Jayden chuckled. “Yeah, that’s the spirit of tolerance.”
Twelve
Elin
“Hey.” Jayden smiled when I entered his office. “You slept through breakfast, but I saved you some.”
It had been almost three months since I first set foot inside the school. My nightmares had diminished, and sometimes I slept through the night without waking at all.
Unsure whether I should stay, I picked up the small bowl on Jayden’s desk and returned to hover by the door, listening to Cam and Jayden until Jayden looked up and scoffed.
“Don’t just stand there. Sit.”
I relaxed into the chair and listened as they discussed the best black market spots to check out for trading that night. I absentmindedly nibbled on my bread, which was covered in a watery layer of stew, but bits and pieces of their conversation gradually sunk in. It seemed as if everyone had gotten vaccinated with the flu vaccines Jayden and I had stolen last night. Everyone, except for me.
I froze at the prospect of a vaccination. My morning meal was heavy in my stomach. As much as I’d gotten to know and trust Jane by then, I couldn’t control the fear at the thought of a needle puncturing my skin. Jayden watched me warily when I asked if I really had to get vaccinated.